View source for Fancypants Scarecrow Messages (A-F)

The [[Fancypants Scarecrow]] familiar has different functions depending on what [[pants]] it wears.

===1===
*''[[1337 7r0uZ0RZ]]:''
{{useitem|item=1337 7r0uZ0RZ|text="I think I remember a little of the parlance of the quaint inhabitants of the Valley of Rof'Lm'Fao," <Name> says. "Let's see . . . you there! I 0wnz0r j00! I will r0x0r your b0x0rz!" Your opponent steps back, confused.|type=combat}}

===A===
*''[[alpha-mail pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=alpha-mail pants|text="As you can see, I am a man of many letters, but I need only two to communicate the appropriate sentiment here," <Name> says, "and they are F and U." Your opponent looks insulted and demoralized.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=alpha-mail pants|text="These trousers have a wealth of letters on them," <Name> says, "but I cannot spell 'assault' without U!" and he kicks him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Angelhair Culottes]]:''
{{useitem|item=Angelhair Culottes|text="I beg your pardon, you blackguard," <Name> says, "but did I rightly hear that you feel my Culottes look like a grass skirt? Perhaps we should settle the matter like gentlemen! I remember some of my wrestling moves from my days at the preparatory academy!" Then he puts him in a half-nelson so he can't attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Angelhair Culottes|text="You know, <Player>, I do believe there is traction to this idea of edible clothing," <Name> says. You rest a while as the two of you discuss whether edible undergarments or hats would be a more profitable line of inquiry.|type=combat}}
*''[[antique greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=antique greaves|text="Back away, ruffians!" <Name> sneers. "These greaves are priceless antiques, and I'll not have you smudging them with your filthy, greasy fingerprints!" Your opponent blushes and looks abashed.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=antique greaves|text=""Have you ever had tetanus, old boys?" <Name> asks. "It's frightfully painful to get rid of. Here, I'll show you:" and kicks them for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[antique nutcracker pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=antique nutcracker pants|text=Emboldened by his appropriately fancy pants, %familarname% forcefully insists that your foe not attack you this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=antique nutcracker pants|text=<Name> smiles, having finally been given some sufficiently formal pants. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[astral shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=astral shorts|text="I am slightly concerned," <Name> says, "about my continued fortunes should I keep wearing these short pants. After all, cheetahs never prosper, eh?" He nudges you in the ribs, and you enjoy a rejuvenating laugh together.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[astral trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=astral trousers|text="I say, <PlayerName>, I wonder if the bear spirit in these trousers is the one that I killed years ago on a hunting expedition," <Name> says. "On a similar note, I wonder if this blackguard can be stuffed and mounted when we're through with him?" Your opponent steps back a few paces.|type=combat}}  
*''[[astronaut pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=astronaut pants|text="I can stare unblinking into the vast void of space, and look good doing it, when I'm wearing these pants," <Name> says. "Are you sure you wish to start a row with me?" Your opponent takes a minute to think it over.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=astronaut pants|text="These trousers remind me of my zeppelin trips beyond the moons," <Name> says, smiling wistfully.|type=combat}}

===B===
*''[[baggy rave pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=baggy rave pants|text="Hold, knave!" <Name> shouts. "I'm sure I have the instrument of your slow and painful death hidden somewhere in these trousers." Your opponent fidgets nervously.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=baggy rave pants|text="These trousers remind me of the times I would sneak down to the servants' quarters and dance the night away in a socially transgressive fashion," <Name> says, smiling at the memory.|type=combat}}
*''[[bakelite breeches]]:''
{{useitem|item=bakelite breeches|text=<Name>, immobilized by his heavy pants, spews a stream of outmoded obscenities, dealing {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[bankruptcy barrel]]:''
{{useitem|item=bankruptcy barrel|text=<Name> scowls at his barrel and says "I... never." Then he scowls at your opponent, who is briefly stunned by the disgust in his eyes.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=bankruptcy barrel|text=<Name> 's eye twitches involuntarily. He is ''really'' angry about that barrel.|type=combat}}
*''[[bark boxers]]:''
{{useitem|item=bark boxers|text="I shall demonstrate beyond a shadow of a doubt," <Name> says, "that my bite is far worse than my bark." He demonstrates by kneeing him, then biting him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=bark boxers|text="I say, <PlayerName>, jolly good show!" <Name> grins at you. "We'll make short work of these blighters, knock on wood!" He knocks on the front of his boxer shorts, with a hollow clonking sound.|type=combat}}
*''[[barskin loincloth]]:''
{{useitem|item=barskin loincloth|text=	"Good gods, man!" <Name> says, "my entire wedding tackle is flopping in the breeze in this thing!" He demonstrates, and your opponent catches a glimpse for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=barskin loincloth|text="This loincloth rather puts me in mind of the summer I spent building a treehouse in the forest behind our estate home," <Name> says. "Well, technically, I ordered the servants to build it for me. But I wore a loincloth much like this one." He smiles at the happy memory.|type=combat}}  
*''[[basic meat kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=basic meat kilt|text=<Name> says, "Right-o! Which one o'yee schemie bastards wants tae try this on fer size?" Then he laughs as your opponent retreat.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=basic meat kilt|text=<Name> does a little highland fling that he picked up in his world travels by dirigible.|type=combat}}  
*''[[basic meat pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=basic meat pants|text=<Name> says, "You may not have heard, old chap, but red meat can be hazardous to your health!" and kicks him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=basic meat pants|text=<Name> says, "do let's be clear on one thing: these pants are made of meat. So are you. Do you really want to engage in fisticuffs with us?" He has to stop and think it over for a minute.|type=combat}}  
*''[[Basic meat skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=basic meat skirt|text="You know, <PlayerName>, I don't care much for this skirt," <Name> says. "Be a dear and go skin that ruffian over there and make me some proper trousers." Your opponent look horrified and step back a bit.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=basic meat skirt|text="Would you believe no one invited me to the Sadie Hawkins dance at my preparatory academy? I mean, it was an all-boys school, but I look fetching in a skirt, don't I?" <Name> says, swaying back and forth.|type=combat}}  
*''[[bauxite boxers]]:''
{{useitem|item=bauxite boxers|text=<Name> hipchecks your opponent, causing X damage with his stone shorts.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=bauxite boxers|text=<Name> shoots you a sassy grin and crotch-chops his bauxite boxers. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[big pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=big pants|text="I'm huge! I'm huge!" shouts <Name>, as he pummels your foe for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[biomechanical crimborg leg armor]]:''
{{useitem|item=biomechanical crimborg leg armor|text=<Name> snorts derisively at him. "Resistance is useless, old chap," he says. "Then again, so is everything else about you, I have no doubt." He looks a little demoralized.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=biomechanical crimborg leg armor|text=<Name> sings you a festive Crimbo carol about the rich king who looks out the window and sees a guy stealing his firewood, and has that guy arrested and sent to prison. Well, at least you got a chance to rest a little.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[black greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=black greaves|text="YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" <Name> intones thunderously, then instructs you to "cut this filthy ruffian's arms and legs off, as an example to others." Your opponent seems rather taken aback.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=black greaves|text="Let's see you write this one off as a mere 'flesh wound,' knave," says <Name>, sniffing derisively as he kicks him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[bloodied surgical dungarees]]:''
{{useitem|item=bloodied surgical dungarees|text=<Name> does a little dance that you think you recognize from <i>Sweeney Todd</i>.|type=combat}}
*''[[bloody clown pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=bloody clown pants|text="What is the meaning of this fool's motley you've dressed me in?" <Name> sneers. "Am I meant to caper and jape for your amusement? I have people who do that for me!" He points a finger at your opponent, and shouts "You there! Caper and jape! Immediately!" Your opponent does a puzzled little jig.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=bloody clown pants|text="Oh, very well," <Name> sighs. "It is the provenance of kings and captains of industry to play the fool when it suits them. See, manservant, I shall dance for you." You decide to let the 'manservant' thing slide, and enjoy the show.|type=combat}}
*''[[boneana hammock]]:''
{{useitem|item=boneana hammock|text=<Name> says, "I say, I feel so liberated in this garment! Look how high I can kick!" Your opponent makes the mistake of looking, and suffers {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=boneana hammock|text=<Name> grins widely for some reason, but you're being very careful not to look directly at him while he's wearing what he's wearing.|type=combat}}
*''[[Boss Bat britches]]:''
{{useitem|item=Boss Bat britches|text=<Name> says, "I say, look what I found in the pockets of these britches," and throws two bat-shaped boomerangs at it for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Boss Bat britches|text=You relax for a spell, while <Name> tells you about the mating habits and eating patterns of the order Chiroptera, learned during his many travels to bat-centric locations around the world.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[bottoms of the barrel]]:''
{{useitem|item=bottoms of the barrel|text=%familiar% face twitches with revulsion at the sight of his pants. For a minute, it almost looks like he's winking and smiling.|type=combat}}
*''[[bounty-hunting pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=bounty-hunting pants|text="Send in the hounds, lads!" <Name> shouts. "We've run our prey to ground! Tally-ho!" He blows into a bugle he acquired from somewhere, and your opponent is too panicked to attack this round..|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=bounty-hunting pants|text="These trousers remind me of the long days I spent tracking big game on the Savannah," <Name> says, searching the ground for hidden treasures.|type=combat}}  
*''[[bowlegged pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=bowlegged pants|text="If I had a bowler to go with these bow-legged trousers, I would stomp over there and bloody well bowl you over, blackguard!" <Name> shouts. Your opponent are too scared to attack this round.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=bowlegged pants|text="Have you met Uncle Crimbo?" <Name> asks. "He's not really our type of people, is he? I mean, his brother, Father Crimbo, now he was an excellent chap. Really decent sort." You relax while <Name> regales you with tales of Crimbo past.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[BRAINS shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=BRAINS shorts|text="This kind of provocative attire is precisely why it is a mistake for men and women to be co-educated in the same facility," <Name> says. "Although my posterior does look rather shapely in them, don't you think?" He wiggles for your opponent, devastating its sense of propriety for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=BRAINS shorts|text="I know these short pants were intended for zombie co-eds," <Name> says, "but I think it's rather droll when a scarecrow wears them as well! Now if only we could find a lion and a metal man to wear COURAGE and HEART respectively . . ." you doze off while <Name> muses, and wake up refreshed.|type=combat}}
*''[[BRICKO pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=BRICKO pants|text="Stand where you are, or I shall disassemble you with the same easy by which I assembled these pants!" <Name> shouts, making your opponent freeze.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=BRICKO pants|text="Ah, I fondly remember the time father helped me build a life-sized house out of BRICKO bricks," <Name> says, blinking and smiling wistfully. "And then we made the servants live there all winter. Good times, indeed."|type=combat}}
*''[[Brimstone Boxers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Brimstone Boxers|text="I say, I could practically boil noodles in these undergarments!" <Name> says. Then he smiles, winks, and says, "and honestly, how do you know I'm not?"|type=combat}}  
*''[[Brogre brorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=Brogre brorts|text=<Name> says, "I say, let me show you how we used to initiate the pledges in father's fraternity!" and paddles your opponent for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Brogre brorts|text=<Name> regales you with tales from his father's weird fraternity and their seriously sadistic hazing rituals. You have a good laugh at people who would willingly submit to that, and feel refreshed.|type=combat}}
*''[[brown paper pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=brown paper pants|text=<Name>'s eye twitches involuntarily as he scowls angrily at the pants you've forced him to wear.|type=combat}}
*''[[bugbear bungguard]]:''
{{useitem|item=bugbear bungguard|text=<Name> says, "see here, villain, I'm wearing smelly old ''bugbear'' pants and I'm more stylish than you are!" <It> looks embarrassed.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
*''[[bullet-proof corduroys]]:''
{{useitem|item=bullet-proof corduroys|text="Ugh," <Name> sniffs. "These trousers you've given me positively ''reek'' of hippy, <PlayerName>. Go ahead and strew this wretched creature's guts about the battlefield -- I suppose the stench won't be any worse." Your opponent gives you a worried look.|type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=bullet-proof corduroys|text="I can't even ''think'' with this stench, and I don't even have a nose! These pants reek of socialism and wealth redistribution!" <Name> says. Then he takes off his trousers and hits it for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage with them.|type=combat}}
*''[[buoybottoms]]:''
{{useitem|item=buoybottoms|text="I say," <Name> says, "these trousers put me in mind of my first yacht. Anchors aweigh, and all that, what? Cabin boy!" he shouts at your opponent, "Bring me another glass of sherry!" <It> just stands there, nonplussed.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=buoybottoms|text="I remember one of my last sea voyages when we found the Isle of the Leprechauns," <Name> says. "It was a good voyage, to make a long story short." He winks to make sure you got the joke.|type=combat}}
*''[[burning paper jorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=burning paper jorts|text="Dear me!" <Name> exclaims. "My pantaloons are aflame!"<br />"Those are jorts," you say. "Not pantaloons. What even is a pantaloon? Oh look, here's some meat on the ground."}}
*''[[burnt snowpants]]:''
{{useitem|item=burnt snowpants|text=The smoke pouring off of <Name>'s pants causes your opponent to double over coughing instead of attacking you.}}

===C===
*''[[Can-Can skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=Can-Can skirt|text="Here is a dance I learned at a brothel half a world away from here," <Name> says, and mesmerizes your opponent with his flailing limbs.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Can-Can skirt|text=You avert your eyes as <Name> begins to dance, kicking his legs high. "Tally ho, eh what?" he shouts exuberantly.|type=combat}}
*''[[cane-mail pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=cane-mail pants|text=<Name> says, "I say, do you think diagonal stripes are slimming? I daresay they are. I cut quite a fine figure in these pants! It's a shame that ruffian over there don't have a pair, eh?" <Him> looks a little demoralized at the insult.|type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=cane-mail pants|text="These trousers remind me of the time father took me to see Salton "The Doctor" Pepper in a bare-knuckle boxing match," <Name> says. "Boy, could that man hit! Here, let me demonstrate." He puts his fists up Marquis de Queensbury style, then hits <him> for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Cargo Cultist Shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=Cargo Cultist Shorts|text=	<Name> speaks in a forbidden tongue, which licks your foe for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=Cargo Cultist Shorts|text=<Name>'s eyes turn black for a moment. It makes your skin crawl, but... in a good way.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Cerebral Culottes]]:''
{{useitem|item=Cerebral Culottes|text=<Name> says, "you may have heard that those of my tribe have no brains. Well, look upon this and tremble! I have extra brains in my SHORT PANTS!" Your opponent looks unprepared for the mental challenge to come.|type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Cerebral Culottes|text=<Name> says, "you know, I used to belong to an organization for geniuses. Every week we would attempt to solve one of the great mysteries of the universe." He tells you of their hours-long deliberation about missing socks in the dryer, and you feel refreshed and edified.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Chain-mail monokini]]:''
{{useitem|item=Chain-mail monokini|text="Mother of the Gods, man, these barely qualify as 'pants' at all!" <Name> shouts. "Why, my stuffed posterior is plainly visible, and I'm afraid this blackguard can see my carrot!" Your opponent avert its eyes, embarrassed. |type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Chain-mail monokini|text="Well, if I must be exposed to the world, then I shall make the most of it! Look your fill!" <Name> shouts. Your opponent does, and takes {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage from the sight.|type=combat}}  
*''[[chalk chinos]]:''
{{useitem|item=chalk chinos|text=<Name> tries desperately to dust off his pants, but the pants are essentially made of dust. Your foe coughs from the dust.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
*''[[cheerful pajama pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=cheerful pajama pants|text=<Name> grumpily rubs the legs of his furry pants together and then pokes you, delivering a powerful static shock.|type=combat}}{{MP}}
*''[[Chester's cutoffs]]:''
{{useitem|item=Chester's cutoffs|text="These short pants seem to be lacking something in the bum-covering department, don't you think, old bean?" <Name> says, turning around to show your opponent, who takes {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage from embarrassment.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Chester's cutoffs|text=Well, I suppose you can't spell "embarrassing defeat" without an ass, eh wot?" <Name> says. You enjoy a hearty chuckle at his clever pun.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Clingfilm trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Clingfilm trousers|text="If no one is going to expose me to a better class of trousers to wear, I shall have to expose myself!" <Name> says. Your opponent takes {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage from the sight.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Clingfilm trousers|text="God's bones, man, I look like a leftover haunch of beef in these trousers!" <Name> says. "You there, tell me honestly: can you see my naughty bits?" Your opponent declines to answer, or to attack this round.|type=combat}}  
*''[[Cloaca-Cola fatigues]]:''
{{useitem|item=Cloaca-Cola fatigues|text="Wait, are these the trousers of a conscripted military man?" <Name> says, alarmed. "We don't fight in wars. We have people for that. You there! Come and fight and die in my stead!" Your opponent walks a few paces backwards, confused.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Cloaca-Cola fatigues|text="My great-grandfather actually did disguise himself as a commoner and serve in the Cola Wars," <Name> says, conspiratorially. You relax while he tells you the whole story.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Clockwork pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Clockwork pants|text="I feel like a proper gentleman automaton in these trousers," <Name> says, looking pleased. "They could do with a few more extraneous cogs though, eh what?" Then a jet of steam blasts out of his crotch, stunning your opponent for all sorts of reasons.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Clockwork pants|text=<Name> regales you with stories of the protocol automata employed in his household when he was a youth. "They were prissy, and they complained a lot, but if they got too unruly father would simply disassemble them," <Name> says, and the two of you share a hearty laugh.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[cool iron greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=cool iron greaves|text=<Name> says, "these pants are iron, man, but if I took them off, I'd still be a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. Your opponent looks intimidated.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=cool iron greaves|text=<Name> says, "here's a move the medieval fighting instructor father hired taught me. You simply lock your legs around your opponent and squeeze until you hear a cracking noise." Your opponent suffers X damage from being squozen.|type=combat}}
*''[[Conspicuous lack of pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Conspicuous lack of pants|text=|type=combat}}  
*''[[Corroded breeches]]:''
{{useitem|item=Corroded breeches|text=<Name> says, "if I must wear these corroded monstrosities some laughingly call 'pants,' I shall share this corrosion with you! On days like this, in times like these, I feel an animal deep inside!" He leaps upon your opponent and beats it for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Corroded breeches|text=<Name> shouts, "I warn you, should you even try to harm the adventurer in my employ, my corroded breeches shall sue your pants off, for breech of contract!" It is too concerned about legal ramifications to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Crappy Mer-kin tailpiece]]:''
{{useitem|item=Crappy Mer-kin tailpiece|text="If I were to become a mer-man, I would much rather have the top half of a fish instead!" <Name> says, then slaps his fake tail against the ground, startling your opponent severely.|type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Crappy Mer-kin tailpiece|text="Although they're a bunch of dirty little buggers, the music of the Mer-kin people is actually quite intoxicating. I swear I can hear it now," <Name> says, swaying back and forth.|type=combat}}
*''[[Crimbo pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Crimbo pants|text="If I am to suffer a thousand paper cuts from these ill-conceived trousers, the least I can do is share the pain," <Name> says, slicing it with his cuff for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}  
*''[[Crimbylow-rise jeans]]:''
{{useitem|item=Crimbylow-rise jeans|text=Your foe is distracted by <Name>'s sassy jeans.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=Crimbylow-rise jeans|text=<Name>, in trying to wriggle out of the jeans, inadvertently does a very sassy dance.|type=combat}}  
*''[[Crotchety pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Crotchety pants|text="Get off my lawn, you bloody whippersnapper!" shouts <Name>. He thumps your opponent with a brass-handled walking-stick, making <it> see stars.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Crotchety pants|text="I do hate to be one of those curmudgeons who is always complaining, but these trousers remind me of the good old days, when I was growing up," <Name> says. You take a breather while he regales you with tales of his youth.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Cursed breeches]]:''
{{useitem|item=Cursed breeches|text=<Name> says, "the stench that clings to these disgusting trousers is nothing compared to the stench of failure that clings to your shoulders, you blackguard!" Then he kicks <it> for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Cursed breeches|text="These disgusting pants carry with them a terrible curse!" <Name> howls spookily at your opponent. "I curse you to be a filthy working-class peon for the rest of your miserable liiiiife! Whoooooooo!" Your opponent, simultaneously saddened and frightened, forgets to attack you.|type=combat}}

===D===
*''[[Daisy's unclean bloomers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Daisy's unclean bloomers|text=Your opponent retches from the stench of <Name>'s pants.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=Y}}
{{useitem|item=Daisy's unclean bloomers|text=You get as far away from <Name>'s foul-smelling pants as you can, which turns out to be a vista at the end of a pretty relaxing hike!|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Danglin' Chad's loincloth]]:''
{{useitem|item=Danglin' Chad's loincloth|text="Faugh! This thing smells like the south end of a north-bound hippopotamus!" <Name> shouts, then takes it off and garottes it with it for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Danglin' Chad's loincloth|text="Ah, to be a primitive man, eh wot?" <Name> says, grinning. "Think of all the exciting public urination possibilities alone!"|type=combat}}  
*''[[demonskin trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=demonskin trousers|text="These trousers really are top-notch. Capital, even," <Name> says. "Why, the tail bit can be used as a red-hot whip! Watch!" He whips your opponent for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=demonskin trousers|text="It's not so much that I object to wearing other creatures' skin for trousers," <Name> says, "it's just that I prefer to do the skinning myself. On a related note, come a little closer, ruffian!" Your opponent backs away, unnerved.|type=combat}}
*''[[depleted Grimacite shinguards]]:''
{{useitem|item=depleted Grimacite shinguards|text=<Name> says, "<PlayerName>, do you suppose residual background radiation from these ruddy great shinguards will be detrimental to our opponent's health? I mean, moreso than the beating you're about to give it?" Your opponent look a little nervous.|type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=depleted Grimacite shinguards|text="It is fitting that Grimace has blessed us with these shinguards," <Name> says, "because Grimace is precisely what you are about to do, you badly-dressed knave!" Then he kicks <it> for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[dice-print pajama pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=dice-print pajama pants|text=<Name>'s eye twitches involuntarily as he glares at his garish pants.|type=combat}}
*''[[Dinsey's pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dinsey's pants|text=%%|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Dinsey's pants|text=<Name> performs some uncharacteristically stylish dance moves.|type=combat}}
*''[[discarded swimming trunks]]:''
{{useitem|item=discarded swimming trunks|text=<Name> tries in vain to remove the nasty trunks, only succeeding in banging his moist knees against your opponent and dealing '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[distressed denim pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=distressed denim pants|text="Just look at these stains!" <Name> moans. "Why this is -- it smells like -- it is! ''Bacon grease'' on my trousers! Inconscionable!" He rubs some of it on your opponent for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Distressed denim pants|text="Faugh! These trousers make me look like a peasant!" <Name> complains. "Did you steal these from my gardener? Or stableboy? Or from that filthy reprobate over there?" "Hey," your opponent protests, feelings too hurt to attack this round.|type=combat}}  
*''[[double-ice britches]]:''
{{useitem|item=double-ice britches|text="I do hope you won't find it cold-hearted of me should I, rather than giving you the cold shoulder, give you a cold knee in your sensitive bits," <Name> says, kicking it for {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=double-ice britches|text="You may rest assured that even with the considerable shrinking effect at play, here, I am still rather impressively endowed for a scarecrow," <Name> says, winking and grinning.|type=combat}}    
*''[[drafty drawers]]:''
{{useitem|item=drafty drawers|text=<Name> says, "stay your hand, you blackguard, or I shall ventilate you as thoroughly as I did these undergarments!" He is too scared to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=drafty drawers|text=<Name> says, "these undergarments are rather freeing! I feel as giddy as when I was a young boy and father would have the servants fight each other for my amusement." He smiles, caught up in the happy memory.|type=combat}}
*''[[Dress pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dress pants|text="These pants remind me of the days when we used to dress up as ladies and have a night on the town. What crazy lads we were!" <Name> says, demonstrating his soft-shoe technique.|type=combat}}
*''[[drippy khakis]]:''
{{useitem|item=drippy khakis|text=<Name>'s left eye twitches as he regards his nasty shorts.|type=combat}}
*''[[Drunkula's silky pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Drunkula's silky pants|text=<Name> says, "I say, this cool silk is rather refreshing! Do give it a try!" He rubs a pant-leg against you, soothing your wounds and shocking you with static electricity.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
{{useitem|item=Drunkula's silky pants|text=<Name> says, "these silken trousers remind me of the karate lessons father used to give me," and chops your opponent in a couple of strategic pressure points, incapacitating it.|type=combat}}
*''[[dubious loincloth]]:''
{{useitem|item=dubious loincloth|text=<Name> says, "we used to wear loincloths like these at our annual Caveman Cotillion! There was always a club-bashing contest which I always won. Allow me to demonstrate." He clubs your opponent for X damage, grunting monosyllabically.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=dubious loincloth|text=<Name> says, "this loincloth reminds me of the time father's yacht capsized and we were stranded on a desert island. We hunted several native species to extinction." He smiles wistfully at the memory.|type=combat}}
*''[[Duct tape dockers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Duct tape dockers|text=<Name> says, "I say, these pants are all sticky, and I don't mean that in a good way." He peels a strip off of the pants and uses it to bind your opponent for a round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Duct tape dockers|text=<Name> peels a piece of duct tape off and applies it to one of your wounds.|type=combat}}{{HP}} 
*''[[Dungeoneer's dungarees]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dungeoneer's dungarees|text="Well then, if I'm to be saddled with these grotesque, reeking trousers, I shall at least share the pain!" <Name> kicks it for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Dungeoneer's dungarees|text="Oh, lovely," <Name> sniffs, "dungarees. Tell me, are they made of actual dung? Because at this point, nothing would surprise me. Merciful heavens, what you common folk wear. You there! Did you ever wear pants made out of human waste?" Your opponent looks around, nonplussed.|type=combat}}
*''[[Dwarvish war kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dwarvish war kilt|text="I do so appreciate dwarvish culture -- from a respectful distance, of course," <Name> says. "For example, I learned a Dwarvish war cry: 'K'CKYR BL'DY TI'ITH'N!'" your opponent looks startled.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Dwarvish war kilt|text=<Name> begins to dance a traditional Dwarvish war jig. "Excellent people, the dwarves, you know," he comments. "Fine nose for wealth. Of course, I'd never let my sister marry one of the blighters."|type=combat}}
*''[[Dyspepsi-Cola fatigues]]:''
{{useitem|item=Dyspepsi-Cola fatigues|text="You know, I never truly understood the Cola Wars," <Name> says. "Both of those beverages taste like malted battery acid. They're for ruffian low-lifes like that fellow over there," he says. Your opponent is too offended to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Dyspepsi-Cola fatigues|text="Ah, yes, what could be better than to fight and die for a cause you are sworn to defend? I mean, other than sending some peasant off to fight in your stead, of course," <Name> says, chuckling.|type=combat}}

===E===
*''[[eelskin pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=eelskin pants|text=<Name> rubs his hands vigorously on the legs of his eelskin pants, then tases your opponent with a crack of electricity. It appears that your foe is too busy twitching on the ground to attack you.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=eelskin pants|text="Should you forgive a horrible pun, I find the level of fashion and utility in these pants to be -- ''shocking!''" <Name> says, then shocks you with a refreshing jolt of electricity.|type=combat}}{{MP}}
*''[[eldritch pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=eldritch pants|text=<Name> smiles, and considering the pants he's wearing, you aren't sure you like the implications of that smile.|type=combat}}
*''[[Electronic dulcimer pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=electronic dulcimer pants|text=<Name> plays a rockin' noter-drone rendition of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" on the dulcimer pants. He is too busy head-banging to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=electronic dulcimer pants|text=<Name> regales you with a tale of the time he made a giant hammered dulcimer that used helmet-wearing servants instead of hammers. You laugh and feel refreshed.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[El Vibrato leg guards]]:''
{{useitem|item=El Vibrato leg guards|text="Look at this ruffian," <Name> sneers. "I wager it wouldn't even recognize a pair of genuine El Vibratos if it saw them! What will you wager me, <PlayerName>? Hmm?" Your opponent looks somewhat confused.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}} 
{{useitem|item=El Vibrato leg guards|text="Did I ever tell you of the time I met El Vibrato himself, old bean?" <Name> asks. You relax while he regales you with the story.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[exo-servo leg braces]]:''
{{useitem|item=exo-servo leg braces|text=<Name> smiles contemptuously as he stomps around in his powered leg braces. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[extremely skinny jeans]]:''
{{useitem|item=extremely skinny jeans|text="I say, these trousers are hugging my intimate regions in a fashion that is invasive, unpleasant, and downright painful," <Name> says. "I have half a mind to put them on that blackguard over there!" Your opponent backs away slowly.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=extremely skinny jeans|text="Faugh! See, the miserable things have fallen down again!" <Name> complains, and has to do a little shimmying dance to pull the pants back up again.|type=combat}}

===F===
*''[[fancy party pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=fancy party pants|text=It is too distracted by <Name>'s garish pants to bother attacking you this round.|type=combat}}  
*''[[fancy tuxedo pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=fancy tuxedo pants|text="Now see here" <Name> sneers at your opponent, "this battle is a black-tie affair, and you've come woefully underdressed! How... uncouth!" Your opponent looks too ashamed to attack this round.|type=combat}}  
{{useitem|item=Fancy tuxedo pants|text="Ah, I remember the halcyon days of my youth, when father would have the tailor come over to make me a new tuxedo before dressing for dinner every evening," <Name> says, grinning wistfully.|type=combat}}  
*''[[filthy corduroys]]:''
{{useitem|item=filthy corduroys|text="Once again, I find myself clothed in garments that I wouldn't donate to the urchins huddling outside my mansion's gates, desperately seeking the warmth of my trash fire!" <Name> roars, startling your opponent out of attacking this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=filthy corduroys|text="These garments carry with them the undeniable stench of the enemy of a productive society: ''Communism!'' Oh, and also the stench of unwashed trust-fund ne'er-do-wells. See? Smell," <Name> says, forcing your opponent to sniff his pants leg for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[fire hose]]:''
{{useitem|item=fire hose|text=<Name> says, "I say, these remind me of the tights worn by father's servant Li Feng Shui. He taught me a most useful fire dragon kick," and kicks her for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=fire hose|text=<Name> says, "these tights remind me of my days trodding the boards at the Royal Academy of Fire-Jugglers," and smiles widely.|type=combat}}
*''[[floaty rock pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=floaty rock pants|text=<Name> hovers over the battlefield, held aloft by his floaty rock pants. "Filthy blighters spotted!" he shouts. "Prepare for bombardment!" Your opponent looks around frantically for a foxhole to dive into.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=floaty rock pants|text="I say," <Name> says, doing lazy circles in the air, "this rather reminds me of my adventures traveling across the world by dirigible." He regales you with a few travel tales while you rest.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[floral-print skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=floral-print skirt|text=<Name> says, "I declare, this skirt looks (and smells) like the kilt grandfather wore in the great war against the Trash People!" he flaps the skirt, wafting stench on your opponent for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=floral-print skirt|text=<Name> says, "this may not be a kilt, but I can still do the Highland Fling grandfather used to do when he was in his cups!" and demonstrates for you.|type=combat}} 
*''[[flowing hippy skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=flowing hippy skirt|text="I declare," <Name> says, "this skirt positively reeks of patchouli oil and excessive body hair! It is most unbecoming!" He wafts the skirt at <it> to prove his point, and to do {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Flowing hippy skirt|text="I declare," <Name> says, "although this skirt reeks of communism, it does waft about most enchantingly when I cut a rug, don't you agree?" You nod while he pirouettes.|type=combat}} 
*''[[foam naval trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=foam naval trousers|text=<Name> says, "I say, these trousers are rather revealing in a stiff wind, wouldn't you say?" and flashes it for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}} 
{{useitem|item=foam naval trousers|text=<Name> barks, "clap that man in irons, I say!" It is too frightened of being sent to the brig to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[frilly skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=frilly skirt|text=<Name> does a half-hearted little dance, grumbling. "Don't you have any proper trousers? If the lads from my club should witness this, I'd hear no end of it."|type=combat}}  
*''[[furry kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=furry kilt|text="I must say, I can't abide the plebeians who constantly ask me what is worn beneath a kilt. Incidentally, would you like to see what's beneath my kilt?" he asks, flashing your opponent for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=furry kilt|text=<Name> does a little dance in his furry kilt, and reminisces about the time Squiffy Farthington played a prank on the local fox-hunting club by replacing the fox with a man in a fox costume. Apparently a good time was had by all, although the taxidermist had to be paid extra to keep him from alerting the local constabulary. |type=combat}}
*''[[furry pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=furry pants|text="I can hardly move in these pants, and they smell like decades-old carpet," Panty complains. "You there! Fetch me some upholstery cleaner and a martini!" Your opponent blinks at him, confused.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=furry pants|text="I will say one thing for these unfortunate trousers," Name> says, "you can really work up a real cracker of a static charge with them! See?" He rubs his legs together and shocks you. It's surprisingly refreshing.|type=combat}}{{MP}}  
*''[[furry skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=furry skirt|text="I always have maintained," <Name> says, "that a bloke in a dress is one of the very building blocks of comedy. Of course, it rather depends on what the bloke is wearing beneath the dress. For example, have a gander at this," he says, flashing it for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=furry skirt|text=<Name> does a little dance in his furry skirt, but looks nervous. "Do keep an eye out for men in red jackets on horseback, won't you?" he asks. "It would be such a terrible nuisance if there were a misunderstanding." |type=combat}}

==References==

{{PantscrowMessages}}

[[Category:Familiars| {{PAGENAME}}]]