View source for Fancypants Scarecrow Messages (G-O)

{{NeedsContent|messages for Leapin' Trousers, old school Mafia knickerbockers}}
The [[Fancypants Scarecrow]] familiar has different functions depending on what [[pants]] it wears.

===G===
*''[[gabardine gaiters]]:''
{{useitem|item=gabardine gaiters|text=<Name> admires his fancy trousers so much that your opponent begins to feel self-conscious.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=gabardine gaiters|text=<Name> slaps you heartily on the back, proud of his fancy pants.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Galapagosian Cuisses]]:''
{{useitem|item=Galapagosian Cuisses|text="<PlayerName>," <Name> says, "these cuisses are transmitting a message from your ancient turtle gods."

"Oh really?" you ask. "What message?"

"Slay this filthy rapscallion immediately."

"That doesn't sound like something the ancient turtle gods would say," you reply.

"And then fix me a cup of tea."

Your opponent is a bit perplexed by all this.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Galapagosian Cuisses|text="You know, <PlayerName>, I have seen the mystical Tortoise Graveyard at Galapagos. But I can never return. Allow me to tell you the tale . . ." The air seems to crackle with mystical energy as <Name> tells the story.|type=combat}}
{{MP|gain=X}}
*''[[gauze shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=gauze shorts|text="You think you have a hard life, simply because you're a chitlin-less pauper?" <Name> scoffs. "I'm one of the most powerful scarecrows in the world, yet this joker has me wearing a diaper!" Your opponent looks a little cowed by the scarecrow's rage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=gauze shorts|text="You know, I once fell in love with a nurse," <Name> says, "but it turns out she was only into me for my sterile cotton stuffing." You unwind for a while as <Name> tells you the sad story.|type=combat}}
*''[[genie's pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=genie's pants|text=<Name>'s pants are so swooshy, your foe gets kicked twice before they can figure out when to dodge.|type=combat}}
*''[[ghast iron codpiece]]:''
{{useitem|item=ghast iron codpiece|text=<Name> says, "this ghast iron codpiece costs more meat than you make in a year! If you scratch it, I shall sue you for damages!" Your foes seem a little less eager to fight.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=Y}}
{{useitem|item=ghast iron codpiece|text=<Name> says, "this is an excellent chance to practice the groin-bump attack father's capoeira instructor taught me!" He codpiece-smacks your foe for a spooky X damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[giant discarded torn-up glove]]:''
{{useitem|item=giant discarded torn-up glove|text="I must protest at this treatment," <Name> says. "These trousers smell like a chimney-sweep's bumhole!  Wouldn't you agree?" And he sticks his leg out to your opponent, who take {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage from the smell.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=giant discarded torn-up glove|text="So it's come to this, has it?" <Name> seethes. "Forced to wear disgusting cast-off trousers that aren't even trousers at all! I'm mad enough to disembowel -- oh, say, that fellow over there, for no reason at all!" Your opponent stay well back while pondering options.|type=combat}}
*''[[gingerbread trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=gingerbread trousers|text=<Name>, feeling haughty in his fancy pants, gives your foe a thorough dressing down.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=gingerbread trousers|text=<Name> fishes some extra Meat out of the pockets of his fancy pants.|type=combat}}
*''[[gnauga hide chaps]]:''
{{useitem|item=gnauga hide chaps|text="Gaze upon the proud and unfettered buttocks of a scarecrow superior to you in every way!" sniffs <Name>. Your opponent looks a little demoralized.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=gnauga hide chaps|text=""Hallo there, chaps! Chaps! I say, hallo... chaps!" <Name> waggles his eyebrows. "Yeah, I get it," your opponent says, rolling its eyes.<br/><br/>"Why, you uncultured plebeian! Take this!" <Name> says, kicking it for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[gnauga hide kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=gnauga hide kilt|text="Eurgh!" <Name> does a little jig of disgust. "What is this horrible kilt made of? Gnauga? ''Please!''"|type=combat}}
*''[[gnauga hide skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=gnauga hide skirt|text=<Name> does a petulant little dance of disgust. "I can't believe you're making me wear this," he complains. "Is there a sign posted on my buttocks, reading 'Dead Gnauga Storage'?"|type=combat}}
*''[[gold lamé pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=gold lamé pants|text="I say," <Name> says, "these trousers are so bright I could blind someone with them! For example, that ruffian about to attack you!" Your opponent squints, unable to see to attack you.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=gold lamé pants|text="These trousers put me in mind of the time I played Stoney Terror in our preparatory school's annual musical. I'm sure you're familiar with the Stony Terror Show, that ribald old thing, eh?" <Name> says, winking.
|type=combat}}
*''[[government-issued slacks]]:''
{{useitem|item=government-issued slacks|text=<Name> walks up to your opponent with a bored look on his face, and kicks them for X. Good enough for government work.|type=combat}}
*''[[grass skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=grass skirt|text="Allow me to demonstrate the battle hula of a small tribe I encountered on one of my many jaunts around the globe," <Name> says, savagely attacking him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=grass skirt|text="Hmph!" <Name> sniffs as he dances a lackluster hula. "In my day we used genuine grass in these skirts. That was craftsmanship, let me tell you!"|type=combat}}
*''[[Greatest American Pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Greatest American Pants|text=<Name> says, "I do believe you mean 'Greatest Colonial Pants,' and I believe you mean 'trousers,' not 'pants,'" and then tips you a wink and a smile so you know he's joking.|type=combat}}
*''[[Great Wolf's beastly trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Great Wolf's beastly trousers|text=<Name> says, "you ain't got nothing to worry about. I'm on this mammajamma," and stops your opponent from attacking.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Great Wolf's beastly trousers|text=<Name> blasts you with a refreshing spray from a nearby hose, and doesn't even make you strip first.|type=combat}}{{HP}} {{MP}}
*''[[Greaves of the Murk Lord]]:''
{{useitem|item=Greaves of the Murk Lord|text="<Name> says, "These greaves were a gift to my father from the Murk Lord himself! Do you KNOW who my father is?" He looks a little cowed.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Greaves of the Murk Lord|text=<Name> says, "I say, the servants should have polished at least a little of the murk off of these greaves," and rubs some on <him> for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Grimacite gaiters]]:''
{{useitem|item=Grimacite gaiters|text="By thunder, these fancy greaves have got me aching for a good row!" <Name> shouts. "Have at thee, uncultured swine! I'll kick you to the moons!" Your foe looks a little cowed by that outburst.{{Delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Grimacite gaiters|text="<Name> regales you with a tale of his adventures among the moon-people, after he flew his dirigible up to Grimace. It's a delightful and refreshing diversion.|type=combat}}{{HP}} {{MP}}
*''[[Grimacite greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=Grimacite greaves|text="I fear this opponent may have the better of us, <PlayerName>, though it ''greaves'' me to say so," <Name> says. "Ha! Ha! No, seriously, it's a doddle. Just slay the filthy peon." Your opponent looks dismayed and confused.{{Delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Grimacite greaves|text="I say, old bean, did I tell you of the time I had dinner with the Godpenguin himself?" you relax as <Name> regales you with the story.|type=combat}}{{HP}} {{MP}}
*''[[Guzzlr pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Guzzlr pants|text=<Name> grimaces at his tacky pants. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[gym shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=gym shorts|text=<Name> says, "I declare, these shorts leave rather little to the imagination! See?" and flashes your opponent for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=gym shorts|text=<Name> regales you with tales of his high school gym class, where he was constantly bullied. Which is weird, because he was home-schooled.|type=combat}}{{HP}} {{MP}}

===H===
*''[[hardened slime pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=hardened slime pants|text="I'm so irritated by these unfashionable trousers that I could smack someone!" <Name> says, then smacks her for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=hardened slime pants|text="These trousers are simply ''abominable''," <Name> moans. "I cannot bear to wear such repulsive, disgusting garb for another second! You there," he says, pointing at your opponent, "help me take these trousers off, immediately!" Your opponent backs away nervously, hands (or hand-analogues) upraised.|type=combat}}
*''[[hep waders]]:''
{{useitem|item=hep waders|text=<Name> says, "in the parlance of the ruffians who wore these pants, drop your mitts, palooka, or it's splitsville!" Your opponent is too intimidated to attack.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=hep waders|text=<Name> says, "I say, in these darb trousers I feel like a million samoleans{{sic}}!" and smiles widely.|type=combat}}
*''[[hippopotamus kilt]]:''
{{useitem|item=hippopotamus kilt|text=	"Ah, yes, I remember old Hippopotamus Kilt," <Name> says. "Quite the explorer, was ol' Kilt. Why, he could make a man writhe in pain with just his pinky finger. Watch!" He demonstrates on your opponent for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus kilt|text="Hippopotamus kilt?" <Name> asks as he does a little jig. "Well, I certainly hope they kilt it before they made this skirt out of it! Ho ho! Quite droll, eh what?"|type=combat}}
*''[[hippopotamus pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus pants|text="These trousers rather remind me of when I would go on safari with old Lord Montague," <Name> says, then raises an eyebrow at your opponent. "How do you suppose this creature's head would look, mounted on the sitting-room wall?" It looks too afraid to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus pants|text="Shall I demonstrate for you the oral hygiene tips I learned while on safari with the hippopotami?" <Name> asks. You relax as he cleans your teeth.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[hippopotamus skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus skirt|text="It's only sporting to warn you, old bean," <Name> says, "that I intend to thrash you from top to bottomus!" Your opponent look unnerved by the threat, or possibly confused about what a 'bottomus' is.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Hippopotamus skirt|text=<Name> does a little interpretative dance about the time he went on safari and shot so many hippopotami, the local natives assumed he was some kind of malevolent thunder demon.|type=combat}}
*''[[hobo dungarees]]:''
{{useitem|item=hobo dungarees|text="My uncle Mortimer sold pencils during the Great Depression, you know," <Name> says, "Or more precisely, he sold a ''lack'' of pencils. People would give him money to not stab pencils in their eyes. Quite an entrepreneur, was Uncle Morty. Hey you!" he calls to your opponent, pulling a couple pencils from the pocket of his dungarees. "Can I interest you in a lack of pencils?" Your opponent backs away nervously.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=hobo dungarees|text="You know, there is something noble and romantic about the life of the wandering vagrant. Provided, of course, he wanders far away from my palacial estate." <Name> smiles, thinking of the grandeur of his personal wealth.|type=combat}}
*''[[Hodgman's lobsterskin pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Hodgman's lobsterskin pants|text="Don't mess with the lobster if you're not prepared to feel the pinch!" <Name> shouts, pinching her for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Hodgman's lobsterskin pants|text="You know, lobsters mate for life," <Name> says, "and my extensive travels and world experience means there are at least three lovely lady crustaceans pining away for me." Your opponent is too confused by that statement to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[honeybritches]]:''
{{useitem|item=honeybritches|text="I say, my legs are sticking to one another in a most unpleasant fashion! I daresay these short pants are not entirely to my liking!" <Name> kicks your opponent, getting him all sticky and freaking him out for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=honeybritches|text="These britches remind me of my carefree summer days spent eating the honeycomb that the servants harvested for us," <Name> says. "Did I ever tell you about the time we made the butler dress like a bee and dance to show us where dinner was?" You relax as he regales you with the story.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[hot daub stand]]:''
{{useitem|item=hot daub stand|text=<Name> says "I absolutely refuse to wear these pants. They smell like a potter's privy! Or perhaps a printer's potty. Mmm. Mmmhmmhmm." He attempts to kick them free, but only manages to kick your opponent, dealing {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}

===I===
*''[[ironic jogging shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=ironic jogging shorts|text="Now, see here!" Panty says, "I demand you fetch me an appropriate pair of woolen running trousers this instant, or I shall disembowel one of those blackguards over there!" Your opponents quiver with fear.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=ironic jogging shorts|text="When I was a lad, I took quite a bit of exercise," <Name> says, "only it's unseemly for a gentleman to sweat, so father hired a boy to exercise in my stead. He certainly looked invigorated after each workout session!" You take a little nap as <Name> reminisces, and awaken refreshed.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}

===J===
*''[[Jeans of Loathing]]:''
{{useitem|item=Jeans of Loathing|text=<Name> says, "my word, these trousers do have a bit of a whiff about them, wot?" and lets it smell them for {{element|Stench=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Jeans of Loathing|text=<Name> says, "I say, I feel like a common dime-store ruffian in these trousers. It makes me want to physically dominate this foe!" and throws a half-nelson on it so it can't attack.|type=combat}}
*''[[Jodhpurs of Violence]]:''
{{useitem|item=Jodhpurs of Violence|text=<Name> says, "ordinarily, I would have the servants do this, but I gave them the day off," and violently restrains your opponent from attacking.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Jodhpurs of Violence|text=<Name> says, "they say nothing kicks harder than an angry horse. Shall we test that theory, old chap?" and kicks him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[junk trunks]]:''
{{useitem|item=junk trunks|text=<Name> regards his motley trunks with disdain. "I should pummel to a paste the man who created this garment!" he shouts. "But you'll do in a pinch!" He leaps at your opponent and thrashes it for X damage.|type=combat}}

===K===
*''[[Knob Goblin elite pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin elite pants|text="Elite?" <Name> sniffs. "''Hardly''. Tell me, my good man, do you think a pair of trousers worn by such a boorish, uncivilized lout as a Knob Goblin guard could ever be described as 'elite'?"<br/><br/>"Ummm..." your opponent replies.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin elite pants|text="Well, if you insist on dressing me like a lowly Goblin, I shall indulge my base instincts as if I were one!" <Name> says, and kicks <her> for '''X''' damage.}}
*''[[Knob Goblin harem pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin harem pants|text=<Name> does a provocative dance that he learned on one of his many trips around the world. <It> cannot unsee what <it> has seen, and takes {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin harem pants|text=<Name> says, "in these pants, I am still more manly than you'll ever be, and more woman than you shall ever possess!" <He> looks too demoralized to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Knob Goblin pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin pants|text=<Name> says, "very well, if you're going to treat me like a goblin, I shall act like one! Have at you, blackguard!" and kicks <him> in the shins.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin pants|text=<Name> shouts at <him>, "stop looking at me like I'm some ruddy GOBLIN, will you?" <He> is too startled to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Knob Goblin Uberpants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin Uberpants|text=<Name> says, "these uber-pants remind me of my days playing Rugby at the Uni," and tackles him, holding him down for a round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Knob Goblin Uberpants|text=<Name> says, "allow me to show you a traditional Knob Goblin dance I learned on my many world travels," and dances what looks like the Macarena with the hiccups.|type=combat}}
*''[[Krakrox's Loincloth]]:''
{{useitem|item=Krakrox's Loincloth|text="You know, <Player>, I once had my family tree traced, and it went all the way back to Krakrox himself," <Name> says. "That would explain my occasional compulsion to bathe in the blood of my enemies. I say, I feel it coming on now. . ." Your opponent backs away slowly.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Krakrox's Loincloth|text="A man is never truly a man until he has worn a loincloth, I always say," <Name> says, smiling broadly.|type=combat}}

===L===
*''[[lava-proof pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=lava-proof pants|text=Steam shoots out of <Name>'s ears as he tries to move around in the thick, stiff pants. It burns your opponent for {{element|Hot|X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[leather chaps]]:''
{{useitem|item=leather chaps|text="What ho, chaps!" <Name> says gleefully. "Get it? Chaps? Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, I do love a bit of droll punnery from time to time." Your opponent blinks at you, and you sort of shrug your shoulders in response.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=leather chaps|text="I say, old man, there appears to be something of a FULL MOON out tonight!" <Name> turns and wags his stuffed straw butt at him for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Lederhosen of the Night]]:''
{{useitem|item=Lederhosen of the Night|text="My ears may be made of cloth, dear fellow, but they function just fine, and I believe I heard you snickering at my majestic Lederhosen. Have at you!" <Name> says, kicking him for '''X''' damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Lederhosen of the Night|text="These majestic short pants remind me of my days as a youth, when father would build a castle out of chocolate for me to live in all through the winter," <Name> says. You rest as he tells you the most delicious thing was the expression on the peasant children's faces as they stood outside his castle's gates.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[leggings of the Spider Queen]]:''
{{useitem|item=leggings of the Spider Queen|text=<Name> looks on in horror as he accidentally sprays your opponent with spider silk.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=leggings of the Spider Queen|text=<Name> is unable to suppress an undignified grin at the ludicrousness of his pants. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[lemon drop trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=lemon drop trousers|text=<Name> says, "don't you just hate that feeling when your trouser legs stick to your hairy, sweaty thighs?" Your opponent gulps and take {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage from the mental image.|type=combat}}
*''[[leotarrrd]]:''
{{useitem|item=leotarrrd|text=<Name> glares at your opponent and shouts, "come closer, you blackguard, and I daresay I shall buckle your swashes!" He is too wary of getting swashbuckled to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=leotarrrd|text=<Name> strikes a Robin Hood-esque pose, hands on hips and grinning widely. "The very model of a Renaissance gentleman!" he exclaims. "Quick, bring me a quilted doublet and ruffled collar!"|type=combat}}
*''[[liar's pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=liar's pants|text="I must say I'm perplexed that these trousers haven't vanished in a puff of steam by now! But since they're still here, might as well make the most of them," <Name> says, kicking him for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} {{element|Cold|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[los chinos]]:''
{{useitem|item=los chinos|text="Ah, these are those trousers that are designed to look like those worn by menial laborers, but priced far higher than they would ever be able to afford, right?" <Name> says. "Something like that," you respond, as your opponent looks on nonplussed.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=los chinos|text="These trousers do remind me of the summer I spent actually -- gasp -- working with my hands, after father cut me off of my allowance in a fit of pique," <Name> says, stifling a sob. You rest a moment while he composes himself.|type=combat}}
{{HP}}
*''[[lynyrdskin breeches]]:''
{{useitem|item=lynyrdskin breeches|text=<Name> says, "I say, ruffian! I am the king of the wild frontier! Go not one step further!" <She> is too intimidated to attack.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=lynyrdskin breeches|text=<Name> says, "I remember when we had a lynyrd-hunting day back home on the plantation. Father shipped them in specially, and then had the servants hunt them down..." you listen and feel refreshed when the story's over.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}

===M===
*''[[Makeshift skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=Makeshift skirt|text=<Name> says, "take a look at this, you blackguard! This is the scarecrow your scarecrow could smell like, if he were half the scarecrow I am! I'm on a horse!" Your opponent looks disheartened and confused by that statement.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Makeshift skirt|text="A towel around one's middle is much more appropriate garb for the sauna, rather than travelling," <name> complains, as he does a half-hearted little dance. "Still, any port in a storm, eh what? Nothing better than a glass of port after a good sauna, I always say."|type=combat}}
*''[[Manly bloomers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Manly bloomers|text=<Name> sneaks up behind your opponent and shouts, "I say, old chap! TIMBEERRRRRR!" It looks a little freaked out.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Manly bloomers|text=<Name> says, "I say, old bean, I will never understand modern haberdashery. Why, when I was a youth, the manliest thing one could wear was a floor-length ballgown with stunning decolletage, and matching diamond earrings and necklace! Now I see women wearing the same thing!" You chuckle to yourself and feel refreshed.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[marble maebari]]:''
{{useitem|item=marble maebari|text=<Name> looks extremely undignified in the maebari. Your foe is scandalized for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mariachi pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mariachi pants|text=<Name> says, "dear creature, if you expect me to do some 'ol´e;{{sic}} dance for your amusement, you are sorely misled." It is too disappointed to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mayor Ghost's khakis]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mayor Ghost's khakis|text=<Name> crinkles his nose in distaste at the pants you have him wearing, tears off a strip from the bottom, and makes you a bandage.|type=combat}} {{HP}}
{{useitem|item=Mayor Ghost's khakis|text=<Name> says, "I say, I'm dressed like a common day-labourer in these trousers! You there! Get me suitable leg coverings! Step lively!" Your opponent is too confused to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin gladiator tailpiece]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin gladiator tailpiece|text=<Name> says, "Gladiator? Well, I suppose he rather was," and chuckles while your opponent looks confused.|type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin gladiator tailpiece|text="Gladiatorial combat is really an intricate dance, you know, albeit one that ends with one partner bloodied and possibly dead. So it's rather like a high school dance, I suppose," <Name> says, hopping in a circle.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mer-kin scholar tailpiece]]:''
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin scholar tailpiece|text="I learned quite a few interesting tidbits of trivia on my world travels," <Name> says. "For example, did you know you can weaken an opponent simply by pressing right ''here with the second knuckle of your left pinky finger?" Your opponent does indeed look weaker after the acupressure.''{{sic}}|type=combat}}
{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Mer-kin scholar tailpiece|text="I remember a holiday I took amongst the Mer-kin people," <Name> says. "Quite pleasant, really, once you earn their trust. They had a hot crustacean band." He flops around in a circle, remembering the underwater dance.|type=combat}}
*''[[Miming corduroys]]:''
{{useitem|item=miming corduroys|text=<Name> hops around antsily, trying to get used to his strange pants. It almost looks like he's dancing...|type=combat}}
*''[[Miner's pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Miner's pants|text="By Fernswarthy's black heart, this is too much to bear! To be dressed in the filthy garments of a common day laborer? I won't have it, by thunder!" <Name> shouts, startling your opponent so much that it forgets to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Miner's pants|text="I can't bear a single minute more in these trousers!" <Name> shouts. "I'm suffocating in the stench of the sweat of the common man! Smell this, will you?" He holds up his leg to your opponent, doing {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Monster pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Monster pants|text="I say, this is a fairly convincing monster costume -- or, at least half of one," <Name> says. "Maybe we could skin that blackguard over there to make the top half, eh?" Your opponent is a little too frightened to attack this round.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Monster pants|text="These trousers put me in mind of when father hired a theater to put on a play with me as the star, and made all the servants play roles," <Name> says, smiling at the memory.|type=combat}}
*''[[Moonthril Greaves]]:''
{{useitem|item=Moonthril Greaves|text="These pants make me ponder the beauty and grace of the Pork Elves," <Name> says, "which only makes you look worse in comparison." Your opponent looks abashed after that insult.|type=combat}}{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}
{{useitem|item=Moonthril Greaves|text="I'm sorry, old bean, but I simply ''must'' do a traditional dance of the Pork Elves. It's pure poetry in motion, if I dare say so myself," <Name> says, interpretive-dancing his stuffed heart out.|type=combat}}
*''[[Mostly rat-hide leggings]]:''
{{useitem|item=mostly rat-hide leggings|text="I say, old chap, these trousers are nice, but I think I smell a rat, and I don't mean that idiomatically," <Name> says, kicking it for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=mostly rat-hide leggings|text="I say, these suede leggings are quite nice, actually," <Name> says. "What are they fashioned of? Calfskin? " "Don't tell him," you whisper to your opponent, who nod and keep <his> distance.|type=combat}}
*''[[muddy skirt]]:''
{{useitem|item=muddy skirt|text=<Name> turns up his painted-on nose. "This skirt is positively infused with disgusting mud," he says. "See?" he rubs off some mud and smears it on your opponent for {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=muddy skirt|text=<Name> says, "I say, this rather looks like the skirt that Buffy Kensington wore to her debutante ball. Father bribed one of the servants to push her into a mud puddle after she refused to dance with me. She wasn't too good to be seen with me after her skirt was muddied!" he does a little dance, entranced by the memory.|type=combat}}
*''[[mushroom pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=mushroom pants|text=<Name> grimaces at his spongy pants. (+'''X''' Stats)|type=combat}}
*''[[mutant legs]]:''
{{useitem|item=mutant legs|text="Ho there, miscreant!" <Name> shouts, and stomps toward your foe with his huge muscly legs. Your foe spends the round trying desperately to stay away from him.|type=combat}}

===N===
*''[[Newman's Own Trousers]]:''
{{useitem|item=Newman's Own Trousers|text="Ah, see here," <Name> says, "these stains are actually a rather potent hot sauce! Here, try a bit." He sticks his pants leg out to your opponents, doing {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Newman's Own Trousers|text="I must say, dear boy," <Name> says, "these trousers certainly have got me feeling . . . saucy." Your opponents are too demoralized by that pun to attack this round.
|type=combat}}
*''[[ninja hot pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=ninja hot pants|text=You shout, "Go ninja, go ninja, go!" as <Name> spin-kicks <them> for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=ninja hot pants|text="I say, <Player>, in these trousers I feel as though I could decapitate a hater with amazing ease!" <Name> says. Your opponents hang back, not willing to risk any vital appendages.|type=combat}}
*''[[ninjammies]]:''
{{useitem|item=ninjammies|text=<Name> chortles as he delivers a surprisingly fierce karate kick to your foe, dealing 12 damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=ninjammies|text=Your foe trips over <Name>, having not seen him due to the ninja pants.|type=combat}}

===O===
*''[[Oil slacks]]:''
{{useitem|item=Oil slacks|text=	<Name> sings a song the servants used to sing to put him to bed, about a man named Jed who discovered an oil spring. <It> looks too sleepy to attack this round.|type=combat}}
*''[[Ol' Scratch's ol' britches]]:''
{{useitem|item=Ol' Scratch's ol' britches|text="I cannot lie, old bean, I have a burning desire to kick these blackguards with my red-hot pants! Or possibly my red hot-pants? Well, either, really," <Name> says, kicking <them> for {{element|Hot|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Ol' Scratch's ol' britches|text="So I am to believe that I'm wearing the trousers of Ol' Scratch himself, eh? Well, that would explain my current desire to torture someone for all eternity," <Name> says. Your opponent nervously steps back a few paces.|type=combat}}
*''[[old patched suit-pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=old patched suit-pants|text="Where did you find these trousers?" asks <Name>. "I rather suspect they may be part of an old suit I once gave to a chimney-sweep in lieu of payment. Here," he says, holding a leg out to your opponent, "smell my leg. Does it smell like chimney-sweep to you?" Your opponent backs away, perplexed and repulsed.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=old patched suit-pants|text="Ah, I remember how the knees wore out of my favorite suit," <Name> says. "I was cutting a rug, and a fancy figure, at a fancy ball, and I slid on my knees across the marble floor. Here, allow me to demonstrate."|type=combat}}
*''[[old school Mafia knickerbockers]]:''
{{useitem|item=old school Mafia knickerbockers|text=|type=combat}}
*''[[old sweatpants]]:''
{{useitem|item=old sweatpants|text=<Favorite Name> says, "good god, man, how do you expect me to have a modicum of self-respect in these pants? I refuse to let <it> attack you until you let me change."|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=old sweatpants|text=|type=combat}}
*''[[Orcish cargo shorts]]:''
{{useitem|item=Orcish cargo shorts|text="I say," <Favored Name> says, "there are some rather remarkable things in these pockets. What's this individually packaged balloon for?" He shows it to <them>, causing <them> {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} points worth of embarrassment.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Orcish cargo shorts|text="I do believe that modern hazing rituals lack a certain ''je ne sais quoi''," <Name> says. "I mean, they focus almost exclusively on the buttocks and ignore the nipples!" You relax while he tells you about the good ol' nipple-torturing days at his prep school.|type=combat}}{{HP}}{{MP}}
*''[[Oscus's dumpster waders]]:''
{{useitem|item=Oscus's dumpster waders|text="Ordinarily, I would caution you to avoid befouling my expensive new shoes with this miserable creature's blood," Panty says, "But these waders should do a capital job of protecting me, so 'go to town', as they say!" Your opponent seems a bit taken aback by all this.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Oscus's dumpster waders|text="I say," <Name> says, somewhat reduntantly, "the only smell stronger than the stench of failure off of this creature is the stench of my trousers!" And he kicks it for {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
*''[[Oscus's flypaper pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=Oscus's flypaper pants|text="I must confess I frequently have sticky pants, but never for this particular reason," <Name> says. "And I'm covered in dead flies -- can you believe the smell of it! Here, sniff," he says, holding his leg out to your opponent and causing {{element|Stench|dmg=X}} damage.|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=Oscus's flypaper pants|text="Why are you looking at me in such a fashion?" <Name> asks. "Are my flies undone?" Your opponent doesn't seem to know how to respond to that.|type=combat}}

==Obsoleted Messages==
*''[[junk-mail pants]]:''
{{useitem|item=junk-mail pants|text="I say, <Player>," <Name> grumbles, inspecting his junk-mail pants, "these trousers are simply not the quality that I've come to... oh, I say! There's a sale at Marks and Sparks!" Your opponent glances at you, wondering what the heck is going on.{{delevel|att=X|def=X}}|type=combat}}
{{useitem|item=junk-mail pants|text=<Name> reads a particularly lurid advertisement off of the pants, sparing no detail. Your opponent takes {{element|Sleaze|dmg=X}} damage from blushing too hard.|type=combat}}

==References==

{{PantscrowMessages}}

[[Category:Familiars| {{PAGENAME}}]]