View source for Quest Log/Antiquated

{{Retired}}

Here follows the quest text on the [[Quest Log]], as it appeared prior to an unannounced update sometime shortly before May the 20th, 2014 - or, at least, what of it we got around to documenting. By this update, most of the original text was replaced with that from the [[Interface_Options#Character_Pane_Options|Quest Tracker]].

==Quest Text==
===Council Quests===
*'''[[Spooky Forest Quest|Looking for a Larva in All the Wrong Places]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council of Loathing wants you to bring them a mosquito larva, for some reason. They told you to look for one in the Spooky Forest, in the Distant Woods.
::How can a woods contain a forest? Suspension of disbelief, that's how.
:*'''[Completed]''' You delivered a mosquito larva to the Council of Loathing. Nice work!

*'''[[Typical Tavern Quest|Ooh, I Think I Smell a Rat]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The owner of the Typical Tavern is having a bit of a rat infestation problem.
::The Tavern is in the Distant Woods.
:*'''[Completed]''' You solved the rat problem at the Typical Tavern. Way to go!

*'''[[Boss Bat Quest|Ooh, I Think I Smell a Bat.]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council wants you to make your way to the chamber of the Boss Bat, and slay him.
::His chamber can be found deep within the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains.
::*'''(In between)''' You're getting closer to the Boss Bat's chamber. Keep searching the Bat Hole until you find it.
::*'''(In between)''' You're getting very close to the Boss Bat's chamber. Keep exploring.
::*'''(In between)''' You've discovered the Boss Bat's chamber -- now go in there and clean his clock. Then beat him up. Unless he doesn't have a clock, in which case just go straight to the beating.
::*'''(In between)''' Now that you've defeated the Boss Bat, you should go back to the Council for your reward.
:*'''[Completed]''' You have slain the Boss Bat. Huzzah!

*'''[[The King of Cobb's Knob Quest|The Goblin Who Wouldn't Be King]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council of Loathing wants you to infiltrate Cobb's Knob and take out the Goblin King.
::Kill him, that is. Not, like, take him out on a date.
:*'''[Completed]''' You have slain the Goblin King. Good job!

*'''[[Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest|Trial By Friar]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council of Loathing wants you to assist the Deep Fat Friars. They can be found in their copse in the Distant Woods.
:*'''[Completed]''' You have cleansed the taint of the Deep Fat Friars. Congratulations!

*'''[[Undefile the Cyrpt Quest|Cyrptic Emanations]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council of Loathing wants you to find the source of the extreme Spookiness emanating from the Cyrpt. You can find it in the Nearby Plains.
::*'''(In between)''' You've defeated the Bonerdagon -- now take his skull back to the Council, and claim your reward!
:*'''[Completed]''' You've undefiled the Cyrpt, and defeated the Bonerdagon. Hip, Hip, Hooray!

*'''[[Mt. McLargeHuge Quest|Am I My Trapper's Keeper?]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council wants you to go talk to the Trapper on Mt. McLargeHuge. Mt. McLargeHuge is, unsurprisingly, in the Big Mountains.
::*'''(In between)''' The Trapper would like for you to gather up some cheese and ore for him so he can fix his ski lift. You're not exactly sure where the cheese comes in.
::*'''(In between)''' The Trapper would like you to investigate the summit of Mt. McLargeHuge, but you'll need to find some way to protect yourself from the cold.  Perhaps the punk-ass kids on the eXtreme Slope could be persuaded, through the application of violence, to give you some of their warm duds.
::*'''(In between)''' You're ready to ascend to the Icy Peak of Mt. McLargeHuge and investigate the source of all the chaos and mists and whatnot.
::*'''(In between)''' You're very close to figuring out what's going on at the Icy Peak of Mt. McLargeHuge...
::*'''(In between)''' You have slain Groar, the source of the mists and chaos. Take his fur back to the Trapper, who is sure to give you some sort of reward.
:*'''[Completed]''' You have helped the Trapper, and brought (relatively speaking) peace to Mt. McLargeHuge. Shazam!

*'''[[Orc Chasm Quest|There Can Be Only One Topping]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council has gotten word that there's something bothering Black Angus, the Highland Lord.

::You should seek him out, in the Highlands beyond the Orc Chasm, in the Big Mountains. 
::*'''(In between)''' You've built a bridge over the Orc Chasm, and now you should go talk to Black Angus, the Highland Lord.

::He's in a tower in the Highlands. It's in the Big Mountains, past the Orc Chasm. 
::*'''(In between)''' The Highland Lord wants you to light his three signal fires in the Highlands.

::You should check out A-Boo Peak and see what's going on there./You should keep clearing the ghosts out of A-Boo Peak so you can reach the signal fire. It is currently X% haunted./You've lit the fire on A-Boo Peak.

::You need to solve the mystery of Twin Peak and figure out how to light the signal fire/You need to solve the mystery of Twin Peak and figure out how to light the signal fire./You've lit the fire on Twin Peak.

::You should go to Oil Peak and investigate the signal fire there./You should keep killing oil monsters until the pressure on the peak drops enough for you to reach the signal fire. The pressure is currently Y microbowies per Mercury./You've lit the fire on Oil Peak. 
::*'''(In between)''' You've lit all the signal fires! Go see Black Angus, the Highland Lord, in his tower in the Highlands. 
:*'''[Completed]''' You helped Black Angus, the Highland Lord, get a pizza delivered to his stupid tower in the stupid Highlands. Yaaaaay. 

*'''[[Giant Trash Quest|The Rain on the Plains is Mainly Garbage]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council of Loathing wants you to investigate the source of the giant garbage raining down on the Nearby Plains.
:*'''[Completed]''' You have stopped the rain of giant garbage in the Nearby Plains. Slick!

*'''[[Quest for the Holy MacGuffin|<Player Name> and the Quest for the Holy MacGuffin]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council has instructed you to collect your father's archaeology notes from Distant Lands, and use them to hunt down the Holy MacGuffin. Your first step is to find the Black Market, to get some forged ID.
::*'''(In between)''' You've found the Black Market... now to hit the Travel Agency and get yourself on a slow boat to China. I mean, Distant Lands.
::*'''(In between)''' You've picked up your father's diary, and things just got a whole lot more complicated. Oh dear.
:::*'''Gotta Worship Them All'''
::::*'''[Current]''' You father seemed to think the hidden temple in the Distant Woods might be guarding part of the Staff of Ed. I hope you've got your lucky fedora with you.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You've cunningly evaded one of the Hidden Temple's traps. But what else lies in store? ''cue ominous music''
:::::*'''(In between)''' Having proved that you ain't no hollaback girl, there's just one more trap to go. Pity dad never got around to translating that last passage...
:::::*'''(In between)''' Awesome, you've evaded all of the temple's traps! Of course, it turned out that getting the piece of the Staff of Ed isn't going to be nearly that easy, but you were probably expecting that anyway. If you weren't, well, sorry.
::::*'''[Completed]''' You've defeated the ancient ghost of an ancient mummy of an ancient high priest and claimed his ancient amulet! Go you!
:::*'''In a Manor of Spooking'''
::::*'''[Current]''' Your father's notes indicate that the gem from the Staff of Ed is probably hidden in a Seaside Town mansion. At a guess, you figure Spookyraven Manor is probably your best bet.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You've unlocked the wine cellar in Spookyraven Manor. What are the chances there's a secret door hidden somewhere? Yeah, probably about one in one.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You've found Lord Spookyraven's secret black magic laboratory. When you're done with him, he'll be doing ''black and blue'' magic.
::::*'''[Completed]''' You've defeated Lord Spookyraven and claimed the Eye of Ed! Huzzah!
:::*'''Never Odd Or Even'''
::::*'''[Current]''' If you're going to get the Staff of Fats, it looks like the first step is to get into the Palindome. Maybe it has something to do with that amulet your father mentioned in his diary? That password looks important, too.
:::::*'''(In between)''' Congratulations, you've discovered the fabulous Palindome, rumored to be the final resting place of the legendary Staff of Fats! Now all you have to do is find it...
:::::*'''(In between)''' Well, you found the Staff of Fats, but then you lost it again. Good going. Looks like you're going to have to track down this Mr. Alarm guy for help...
:::::*'''(In between)''' Mr. Alan Alarm has agreed to help you nullify Dr. Awkward's ineptitude field (patent pending), but wants some wet stew in return. Those ingredients again: lion oil, a bird rib, and some stunt nuts. Sounds delicious!
::::::You could also check party boobytraps in the palindome -- Mr. Alarm says those are sometimes baited with the stuff.
:::::*'''(In between)''' Oh yeah, you've got the Mega Gem, and are ready to deliver some pain to Dr. Awkward. They call you the bus driver, because you're gonna beat the hell out of that guy.
::::*'''[Completed]''' Congratulations, you've recovered the long-lost Staff of Fats!
:::::Nice Work!
:::*'''A Pyramid Scheme'''
::::*'''[Current]''' Your father's diary indicates that the key to finding the Holy MacGuffin is hidden somewhere in the desert. I hope you've got your walking shoes on.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You've managed to stumble upon a hidden oasis out in the desert. That should help make your desert explorations a little less... dry.
:::::*'''(In between)''' The fremegn leader Gnasir has tasked you with finding a stone rose, at his abandoned encampment near the oasis. Apparently it's an ancient symbol of his tribe or something, I dunno, whatever. He's not gonna help you unless you get it for him, though.
:::::*'''(In between)''' Gnasir has asked you to prove your honor and dedication to the tribe by painting his front door black. A menial task to be sure, but at least it's not dangerous.

::::::Well, unless you're really allergic to paint fumes or something.
:::::*'''(In between)''' Gnasir seemed satisfied with the tasks you performed for his tribe, and has asked you to come back later.

::::::...

::::::Okay, that's probably long enough.
:::::*'''(In between)''' For your worm-riding training, you need to find a 'thumper', something that produces a rhythmic vibration to summon sandworms.

::::::It's unlikely that we're talking about bunny rabbits here.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You need to find fifteen missing pages from Gnasir's worm-riding manual. Have fun!
:::::*'''(In between)''' One worm-riding manual page down, fourteen to go.
:::::*'''(In between)''' Two worm-riding manual pages down, thirteen to go. Sigh.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You've found all of Gnasir's missing manual pages. Time to take them back to the sietch.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You've earned your hooks and are ready to ride the worm. Literally, not in the South-of-the-Border sense.
:::::*'''(In between)''' One excitingly-described worm-ride later, you've found the little pyramid with the map of Seaside Town inside. Looks like you're going to need the Staff of Ed to get the location of the Holy MacGuffin's hiding place.
:::::*'''(In between)''' You've found the hidden buried pyramid that guards the Holy MacGuffin. You're so close you can almost taste it! (In a figurative sense, I mean -- I don't recommend you go around licking things you find in ancient tombs.)
::::*'''[Completed]''' The mighty Ed the Undying has fallen! You recovered the Holy MacGuffin! Jolly good show, mate!
:*'''[Completed]''' You've handed the Holy MacGuffin over to the Council, and enjoyed a ticker-tape parade in your honor. That quest was so ridiculous, it wasn't even funny, and now it's over! Hooray!

*'''[[Mysterious Island Quest|Make War, Not... Oh, Wait]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council has gotten word of tensions building between the hippies and the frat boys on the Mysterious Island of Mystery.
::They suspect that the two factions are about to go to war, and they want to make sure it's a '''big''' war. They want you to head down there and see if you can't stir up some trouble.
::*'''(In between)''' You've managed to get the war between the hippies and frat boys started, and now the Council wants you to finish it.
:::You can aid the war effort by fighting on the Battlefield, or you can help out some of the other residents of the island in the hopes that they'll aid the side you're fighting for.
:*'''[Completed]''' You led the filthy hippies to victory in the Great War. For Gaia!
:*'''[Completed]''' You led the Orcish frat boys to victory in the Great War. For The Horde!
:*'''[Completed]''' You started a chain of events that led the pirates to annihilate both the hippies ''and'' the frat boys in the Great War. Toasty!

*'''[[Naughty Sorceress Quest|The Final Ultimate Epic Final Conflict/The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Council of Loathing has instructed you to make your way to the top of the Naughty Sorceress' Tower and defeat her.

::Inside the entrance to the Lair, you've encountered three strange gates. An inscription provides a clue on how you might pass through them...
::*'''(In between)''' Having made it through the three gates, you've encountered a giant mirror that blocks your way deeper into the Lair.
::*'''(In between)''' You've come to an odd junction in the cave leading to the Sorceress' Lair. It seems that in order to proceed, you'll need to solve a really convoluted and contrived puzzle involving a cloud of gas, a locked door, and three statues of mariachis.
::*'''(In between)''' The Council of Loathing has instructed you to make your way to the top of the Naughty Sorceress' Tower and defeat her. Currently, you're stuck in a hedge maze, Don't beat around the bush, get through it!
::*'''(In between)''' You've passed through the gates, solved a fiendish puzzle, beat the hedge maze like a psychotic landscaper, and now you're facing a fiendish monster on the {level number} level of the sorceress's tower.
::*'''(In between)''' You've solved many puzzles, and now are confronted with the most frustrating puzzle yet. Can you figure out the code to get through the heavy door?
::*'''(In between)''' You're almost to the final epic showdown battle countdown of fate and destiny and whatnot! Get in there and kick some tail!
::*'''(In between)''' You thought you were finally going to fight the Sorceress, but you're still stuck battling her minions. This one seems to be a shadowy, evil version of you, except it doesn't have a goatee.
::*'''(In between)''' You find yourself fighting one of the Sorceress's freakishly overgrown familiars. What is she feeding them, anyway?
::*'''(In between)''' This is it, sparky -- the big showdown with the Naughty Sorceress. I just wanted to say, "good luck - we're all counting on you."
::*'''(In between)''' You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress! Whoohoo! You left the king in his prism, though.
::*'''(Completed - not really)''' You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and freed the King! What are you hanging around here for?

===Guild Quests===
*'''[[Bitchin' Meatcar Quest|My Other Car Is Made of Meat]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Since your Guild's meat car has been lost due to somewhat sketchy circumstances, you need to build a new one. You might be able to find some parts at Degrassi Knoll.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've built a new meat car from parts. Impressive!

*'''[[White Citadel Quest|<Player Name> and <Familiar Name>/Kumar Go To White Citadel]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You've been charged by your Guild (sort of) with the task of bringing back a delicious meal from the legendary White Citadel. You've been told it's somewhere near Whitey's Grove, in the Distant Woods.
:**'''(In between)''' You've discovered the road from Whitey's Grove to the legendary White Citadel. You should explore it and see if you can find your way.
:**'''(In between)''' You're progressing down the road towards the White Citadel, but you'll need to find something that can help you get past that stupid cheetah if you're going to make it any further. Keep looking around.
:**'''(In between)''' You've made your way further down the Road to the White Citadel, but you still haven't found it. Keep looking!
:**'''(In between)''' You've found the White Citadel, but it's at the bottom of a huge cliff. You should keep messing around on the Road until you find a way to get down the cliff.
:**'''(In between)''' You have discovered the legendary White Citadel. You should probably go in there and get the carryout order you were trying to get in the first place. Funny how things spiral out of control, isn't it?
:**'''(In between)''' You've got the Satisfaction Satchel. Take it to your contact in your Guild for a reward.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've delivered a satchel of incredibly greasy food to someone you barely know. Plus, you can now shop at White Citadel whenever you want. Awesome!
*'''[[The Wizard of Ego]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You've been tasked with digging up the grave of an ancient and powerful wizard and bringing back a key that was buried with him. What could possibly go wrong?
:**'''(In between)''' Well, you got the key and turned it in -- mission accomplished. How much do you wanna bet, though, that they won't be able to find anyone else to search the tower, and you'll be stuck with the dirty work again?
:**'''(In between)''' Much as you expected, you've been given back the key to Fernswarthy's tower and ordered to investigate.
:**'''(In between)''' You've unlocked Fernswarthy's tower. Now you just have to find something to show your guild leaders, to prove you haven't just been slacking off this whole time.
:**'''(In between)''' You've found some stairs in Fernswarthy's tower, but they don't lead to much. Better keep looking.
:**'''(In between)''' You've found a trapdoor to Fernswarthy's basement, which is potentially interesting and/or dangerous. It's probably not what your Guild is interested in, though, so you should probably keep looking.
:**'''(In between)''' You found some kind of dusty old book in Fernswarthy's tower. Hopefully that's enough to keep that guy in your guild off your case.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've turned in the old book, and they said they didn't want it and for you to go away. A bit anticlimactic, but I suppose it still counts as a success. Congratulations!

*'''[[Me and My Nemesis]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' One of your guild leaders has tasked you to recover a mysterious and unnamed artifact stolen by your Nemesis. Your first step is to smith an Epic Weapon.

::Two parts of the Epic Weapon can be had from the two oldest and wisest men in the kingdom, one of whom runs the casino. You weren't told where the third part is.
::*'''(In between)''' To unlock the full power of the Legendary Epic Weapon, you must defeat Beelzebozo, the Clown Prince of Darkness, in The "Fun" House.
::*'''(In between)''' You've finally killed the clownlord Beelzebozo -- you should head back to your guild and let them know!
::*'''(In between)''' You've successfully defeated Beelzebozo and claimed the last piece of the Legendary Epic Weapon -- congratulations! Now you just have to wait for your Guild to find out where your nemesis is hiding. Unfortunately, this might take a while.
::*'''(In between)''' Your class leader back at the guild has ''finally'' discovered where your Nemesis is hiding. It took long enough, jeez! Anyway, turns out it's a Dark and Dank and Sinister Cave in the Big Mountains. Time to sort this jerk out, proper.
::*'''(In between)''' You have successfully shown your Nemesis what for, and claimed an ancient hat of power. It's pretty sweet.

:::Probably you should go tell your guild about this.
:*'''[Completed]''' You showed the Epic Hat to the class leader back at your guild, but they didn't seem much impressed. I guess all this Nemesis nonsense isn't quite finished yet, but at least with your Nemesis in hiding again you won't have to worry about it for a while.

::That counts as a success, I think. Hooray!

::*'''(In between (after losing to menacing thug))''' It appears as though some nefarious ne'er-do-well has put a contract on your head!

:::Gee, I wonder who it could be...
::*'''(In between)''' You handily dispatched some thugs who were trying to collect on your bounty, but something tells you they won't be the last ones to try. 
::*'''(In between (after losing to mob penguins))''' Whoever put this hit out on you (like you haven't guessed already) has sent Mob Penguins to do their dirty work. Do you know any polar bears you could hire as bodyguards? No? Looks like you're on your own, then.
::*'''(In between)''' So much for those mob penguins that were after your head! If whoever put this hit out on you wants you killed (which, presumably, they do) they'll have to find some much more competent thugs.
::*'''(In between (after losing to the third Nemesis assassin))''' Your suspicious{{sic}} have been confirmed: your Nemesis has put the order out for you to be hunted down and killed, and now they're sending their own guys instead of contracting out. Good luck!
::*'''(In between)''' Bam! So much for your Nemesis' assassins! If that's the best they've got, you have nothing at all to worry about.

:::You sure hope that's the best they've got.
::*'''(In between (after losing to the fourth Nemesis assassin))''' You had a run-in with some crazy mercenary or assassin or... thing that your Nemesis sent to do you in once and for all. A run-in followed by a run-out, evidently, but you're going to have to deal with this sooner or later. 
::*'''(In between)''' Now that you've dealt with your Nemesis' assassins and found a map to the secret tropical island volcano lair, it's time to take the fight to your foe. Booyah.
::*'''(In between)''' You've arrived at the secret tropical island volcano lair, and it's time to finally put a stop to this Nemesis nonsense once and for all. As soon as you can find where they're hiding. Maybe you can find someone to ask.
::*'''(In between)''' Congratulations on solving the lava maze, which is probably the biggest pain-in-the-ass puzzle in the entire game! Hooray! (Unless you cheated, in which case: Boo!) Now you just have to defeat <nemesis>. Again. 
::*'''(In between as a Seal Clubber)''' Well, you defeated Gorgolok, but he got away. Again. Funny how he keeps escaping from you when he can't really run with those flippers. Looks like you'd better get after him, I guess. 
::*'''(In between as a Turtle Tamer)''' Well, you defeated Stella, but she got away. Again. Is ninja training part of the standard poacher skill-set? Looks like you'd better get after her, I guess. 
::*'''(In between as a Pastamancer)''' Well, you defeated the Spaghetti Elemental, but it got away. Again. Never have you met such an elusive noodle. Looks like you'd better get after it, I guess. 
::*'''(In between as a Sauceror)''' Well, you defeated Lumpy, but it got away. Again. Curse his viscous nature! Looks like you'd better get after it, I guess.
::*'''(In between as a Disco Bandit)''' Well, you defeated the Spirit of New Wave -- I mean, Rave -- but he got away. Again. Who would've thought it was so difficult to kill a non-corporeal personification of a particular style of music? Looks like you'd better get after him, I guess.
::*'''(In between as an Accordion Thief)''' Well, you defeated Lopez, but he got away. Again. Man, that guy is as hard to kill as ''la cucaracha''. Looks like you'd better get after him, I guess. 
::*'''(In between)''' You defeated <nemesis>! Again! Hooray! Were you expecting him/her/it to have some sort of crazy powerful and hideous final form? I was, but then I wrote all of this, so, y'know.

::I just want to say: good luck. We're all counting on you. 
:*'''[Completed as a Seal Clubber]''' Despite being aided by <demon name>, the Demonic Lord of Revenge, the Infernal Seal Gorgolok has fallen beneath your mighty assault. Never again will the people of the Frigid Northlands be terrorized by this foul beast! Your mother must be very proud of you. Well done!
:*'''[Completed as a Turtle Tamer]''' Despite being aided by <demon name>, the Demonic Lord of Revenge, Stella the Turtle Poacher has fallen beneath your mighty assault. Never again will the helpless Testudines of the Kingdom be terrorized by her horrible poachery! Your mother must be very proud of you. Well done!
:*'''[Completed as a Pastamancer]''' Despite being aided by <demon name>, the Demonic Lord of Revenge, the evil Spaghetti Elemental has fallen beneath your mighty assault. Never again will the people of the Kingdom of Loathing be terrorized by whatever it was that the Pasta Cult was actually doing (probably human sacrifices and stuff)! Your mother must be very proud of you. Well done!
:*'''[Completed as a Sauceror]''' Despite being aided by <demon name>, the Demonic Lord of Revenge, Lumpy the Sinister Sauceblob has fallen beneath your mighty assault. Now the people of the Kingdom of Loathing are safe from whatever horrible (and probably really gross) scheme it was that Lumpy had in store! Your mother must be very proud of you. Well done! 
:*'''[Completed as a Disco Bandit]''' Despite being aided by <demon name>, the Demonic Lord of Revenge, the Spirit of New Wave has fallen beneath your mighty assault. Now the disco-loving people of the Kingdom of Loathing are free to groove the night away, safe from his insidious machinations! Your mother must be very proud of you. Well done!
:*'''[Completed as an Accordion Thief]''' Despite being aided by <demon name>, the Demonic Lord of Revenge, the dread mariachi Somerset Lopez has fallen beneath your mighty assault. Now the eons-long war between the Accordion Thieves and the mariachis is finally at an end, and the streets of the Kingdom of Loathing are safe for cat-burglars and sneak-thieves like yourself and your cronies! Your mother must be very proud of you. Well done!
*'''[[A Dark and Dank and Sinister Quest]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Finally it's time to meet this Nemesis you've been hearing so much about! The guy at your guild has marked your map with the location of a cave in the Big Mountains, where your Nemesis is supposedly hiding.

::Of course, one does not simply walk into the Dark and Dank and Sinister Cave.
::*'''(In between)''' Having opened the first door in your Nemesis' cave, you are now faced with a second one. Go figure. 

:::Like the first one, it's carved with elaborate... carvings. I'd tell you what they were, but honestly I've forgotten, so you'll have to go back to the cave and look for yourself.
::*'''(In between)''' Having opened the second door in your Nemesis' cave, you are now ''of course'' faced with a third one. Hopefully this is the last one.
::*'''(In between)''' Woo! You're past the doors and it's time to stab some bastards.  

:::Oh, and figure out how to gain access to your Nemesis' Inner Sanctum. So to speak.
::*'''(In between)''' The door to your Nemesis' inner sanctum didn't seem to care for the password you tried earlier. Perhaps you should give the henchmen a stern talking to. And by "talking to" I mean... well, you know what I mean.
::*'''(In between)''' Hear how the background music got all exciting? It's because you opened the door to your Nemesis' inner sanctum, and now it's time for a big dramatic fight! Good luck!
:*'''[Completed]''' Your Nemesis has scuttled away in defeat, leaving you with a sweet Epic Hat and a feeling of smug superiority. Well done you!
*'''[[Dwarven Factory Quest|<Player Name>'s Delivery Service]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' A guy in your guild has offered you some meat if you'll grab his package for him.

::Oh stop laughing, you know perfectly well what I mean! Honestly...

::Anyway, you should be able to find it in the 7-Foot Dwarves' factory complex, which can supposedly be reached through their mine. 
::*'''(In between)''' You've found the entrance to the factory complex of the 7-Foot Dwarves. Hopefully it won't take you too long to find the thing. You know, that thing you're trying to find, for that guy.
::*'''(In between)''' Nice going, you've found an envelope addressed to that guy back at your guild. Maybe you should go take it back to him now. Sure, there's a lot of other interesting stuff in this factory, but you can always come back.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've successfully delivered a package, and been rewarded with an amount of meat that was more-or-less proportional to the difficulty of the task. Hooray! Of course, there's obviously a bit more going on in that factory, but whether or not you want to mess around with all that is up to you.

===Miscellaneous Quests===
*'''[[Untinker Quest|Driven Crazy]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Untinker in Seaside Town wants you to find his screwdriver. He thinks he left it at Degrassi Knoll, on the Nearby Plains.
:*'''[Completed]''' You fetched the Untinker's screwdriver. Nice going!

*'''[[Pretentious Artist Quest|Suffering For His Art]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Pretentious Artist, who lives on the Wrong Side of the Tracks in Seaside Town, has lost his palette, his pail of paint, and his paintbrush.
::He told you that he thinks the palette is in the Haunted Pantry, the pail of paint is somewhere near the Sleazy Back Alley, and the paintbrush was taken by a Knob Goblin.
:*'''[Completed]''' You helped retrieve the Pretentious Artist's stuff. Excellent!

*'''[[Mayor Zapruder#Quests|A Bugbear of a Problem]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Mayor Zapruder of Degrassi Knoll wants you to investigate the Gnolls' bugbear pens, located in the Distant Woods.
::*'''(In between)''' Mayor Zapruder wants you to find your way to the spooky gravy fairies' barrow, but first he needs you to bring him a flaming/frozen/stinky mushroom from the mushroom fields deep within Degrassi Knoll.
::*'''(In between)''' Now that you've got a powerful Gravy Fairy, Mayor Zapruder wants you to investigate the Spooky Gravy Barrow in the Distant Woods.
::*'''(In between)''' Now that you've slain Queen Felonia, you should go back to Mayor Zapruder for your reward.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've helped Mayor Zapruder of Degrassi Knoll with his spooky gravy fairy problem. Nice going!

*'''[[What's Up, Doc?]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Doc Galaktik wants you to collect some herbs for him. This is what he told you:
::"First, I'll need three swindleblossoms. I'm not sure where they grow, but I know that the harem girls of Cobb's Knob like to wear them in their hair.

::After that, I'll need three sprigs of fraudwort. It's used by ninja assassins from Hey Deze to make poisons.

::Finally, I'll need three bundles of shysterweed -- it only grows near the graves of liars. Or so I've been told. The guy might've been lying, I guess."

:*'''[Completed]''' You found some herbs for Doc Galaktik, and he rewarded you with a permanent discount on Curative Nostrums and Fizzy Invigorating Tonics. Nifty!

*'''[[Defend the Gourd Quest|Out of Your Gourd]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Captain of the Gourd, on the Right Side of the Tracks in Seaside Town, needs you to help him defend the gourd. He's asking you to bring back 5 [Knob Goblin firecrackers|razor-sharp can lids|spider webs] from the [Outskirts of Cobb's Knob|Haunted Pantry|Sleazy Back Alley].
:*'''[Completed]''' You've helped out the Captain of the Gourd. ''Urp!''

*'''[[Harold's Hammer Quest|Hammer Time]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You were approached in the Sleazy Back Alley by a guy named Harold, who wants you to repair his favorite hammer for him.
:*'''[Completed]''' You handily helped Harold with his hammer. Hallelujah!

*'''[[Baker Quest|Baker, Baker]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' A guy near the Haunted Pantry gave you a cake, and asked if you could figure out some way to light the candles on it. He says that normal fire won't work, because they're "hilarious" novelty candles.
:*'''[Completed]''' You helped the anonymous baker prepare his cake for Claude. What a Samaritan!

*'''[[Wounded Guard Quest|When Rocks Attack]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' A wounded guard near Cobb's Knob wants you to go to Doc Galaktik's Medicine Show, in the Market Square of Seaside Town, and get him a container of Doc Galaktik's Pungent Unguent.
:*'''[Completed]''' You helped out a wounded Knob Goblin guard by bringing him some unguent. You're a regular Florence Nightingale Jr.!

*'''[[Azazel, Ma Belle|Angry <Player Name>, this is Azazel in Hell.]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Azazel, one of the ArchDukes of Hey Deze, has "lost" several of the talismans of his evil power. If you find them, he'll probably reward you. Probably. He's kind of a jerk.
:*:He lives in the City of Pandemonium, on the other side of the Deep Fat Friars' Gate in the Distant Woods.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've found Azazel's unicorn, his lollipop, and his tutu. This peek into the nature of evil is disturbing, but the reward was gratifying. Go you!

*'''[[Save Uncle Crimbo!]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You must try to find a way to break Lady Linnea's bewitching spell on Uncle Crimbo and return him to his factory in time for Crimbo by finding the three magical things that remind him who he is.
::*'''(In between)''' You've found Uncle Crimbo, but he doesn't seem to want to leave. You're going to have to try to find the two other things that he likes to convince him to come back.
::*'''(In between)''' You've given Uncle Crimbo two things he likes, but it doesn't seem to be enough. The old lout was a notorious drunkard -- maybe some booze will ply him.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've saved Uncle Crimbo! Fantastic!
:*:Uncle Crimbo is sure to give you something cool on Crimbo for your hard work.

*'''[[Going Postal]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Gnorbert, elder of the gnomish gnomads, wants you to collect some comic books from a sk8 gnome named Gnathan, who usually hangs out at The eXtreme Slope.
:*:Sounds pretty simple; this shouldn't take long.
::*'''(In between)''' Gnathan the Sk8 Gnome refuses to give up the comic books unless you bring him some fingerless hobo gloves. That's kind of a pain, but still, not a big deal, right?
::*'''(In between)''' A hobo named All-but-Dissertation Tucker Dummychuck has agreed to give you his gloves, but only if you can find him some demonic harmonica lessons. Demonica lessons? Well, anyway, that shouldn't be difficult.
::*'''(In between)''' The Archfiend Marble has offered to trade you a book of harmonica lessons in exchange for the Boock of Darck Magicks. Apparently it was last seen in the collection of some occult-hobbyist nobleman.
::*:Are you starting to get a bad feeling about this quest? I know I am.
::*'''(In between)''' Lord Spookyraven's librarian, Alice, has agreed to give you the Boock of Darck Magics, if you'll find her some fresh ectolpasm. I mean, ectoplasm.
::*'''(In between)''' A slick lihc named Rick has agreed to swap you some ectoplasm if you'll bring him something slicker than he is. Something from a nearby kitchen?
::*'''(In between)''' Kevin'x, one of the chefs in Cobb's Knob, has offered you some of his Knob Butter in exchange for a couple of pointed wooden sticks. That sounds pretty simple -- surely, someone will be willing to just give you a couple of sticks, right? They won't need you to trade something else for them, right?
::*'''(In between)''' Cindy the Vampire Slayer will trade you her marinated stakes for an all-powerful evil-slaying weapon. If you ask me, that's not exactly an equitable trade, but what are you gonna do?
::*:She also said something about a prophecy: "Under the bug-eyed, winged pedagogue, the uber-weapon slumbers."
::*'''(In between)''' An ancient wise woman named Glorificus Steinemus has agreed to give you an ancient but mysteriously shiny weapon of evil-destroying, in exchange for a cup of ''really good'' herbal tea.
::*'''(In between)''' A hippy with some ridiculous name has agreed to give you a cup of her all-natural organic herbal tea in exchange for some white whine vinaigrette dressing. She was pretty emphatic about the 'white' part, for some reason.
::*'''(In between)''' The White Wizard Gannongast says he'll give you his special white wine vinaigrette dressing if you'll bring him the fifteen shards of the mystic Non-Essential Amulet that he sent some spiky-haired kid to collect.
::*'''(In between)''' A spiky-haired protagonist named Mist Angst has agreed to swap you the Non-Essential Amulet in exchange for a Really Big Tiny House. He said something about a guy with a carrot in his nose, or on his nose, or something... sorry, I wasn't really listening.
::*'''(In between)''' to give you a house
::*:the snowman first requires
::*:one red paperclip
::*'''(In between)''' Man, how long has this quest been going on? Well, at least it's nearly over. Well, half over. ''Sigh.''
::*:Better get that paperclip back to the ninja snowman who wanted it, so he can give you whatever the next thing was.
::*'''(In between)''' Tang Lung the Ninja Snowman has given you a Really Big Tiny House for that protagonist kid with the ridiculous hair.
::*'''(In between)''' The spiky-haired protagonist has given you the Non-Essential Amulet that that wizard guy was looking for.
::*'''(In between)''' Gannongast the White Wizard has given you a bottle of white wine vinaigrette. Who was it that wanted that? I think it was that hippy chef, right?
::*'''(In between)''' Ethereal Koi Blossom has brewed you up a cup of herbal tea for... um... oh, it was that old woman, the one in the cave. Right?
::*'''(In between)''' You've obtained the ancient evil-smiting weapon that the vampire-slaying chick wanted. Don't quit now, you're coming up on the home stretch!
::*'''(In between)''' Cindy the Vampire Slayer gave you a couple wooden stakes. Who was it that wanted the stakes? Lemme check my notes...
::*:Oh, the chef. The Knob Goblin guy.
::*'''(In between)''' Kevin'x the Knob Goblin chef has given you some of his knob butter. Yeah, yeah, har-de-har. Look, just take it back to that spectre or whatever it was that wanted it so we can be done with this, okay?
::*'''(In between)''' Rick the Slick Lihc has given you some ectoplasm for the ghostly librarian. Aren't you glad you've got me to remember all this stuff for you?
::*'''(In between)''' Alice the Ghostly Librarian has given you the Boock of Darck Magick. That goes to... um... to...
::*:Hell, I've forgotten. Sorry!
::*'''(In between)''' The Archfiend Marble traded you a book of harmonica lessons for that boock you brought him.
::*'''(In between)''' All-but-Dissertation Tucker Dummychuck swapped you his fingerless gloves for a book of harmonica lessons. Don't you need fingers to play the harmonica properly? Well, whatever. At least this is nearly done with.
::*'''(In between)''' Gnathan the Sk8 Gnome gave you back Chomsky's comic books. Hurry! Take them back to Gnorbert, the elder! For the love of god, make this quest be over!
:*'''[Completed]''' You did it! You successfully returned the comic books and were rewarded with some sort of gnomitronic gizmo. All I can say is, it'd better be a damn good gizmo.

*'''[[Cap'm Caronch Quest|I Rate, You Rate]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' A salty old pirate named Cap'm Caronch has offered to let you join his crew if you find some treasure for him. He gave you a map, which causes you to wonder why he didn't just go dig it up himself, but oh well...
::*'''(In between)''' Now that you've found Cap'm Caronch's booty (and shaken it a few times), you should probably take it back to him.
::*'''(In between)''' Cap'm Caronch has given you a set of blueprints to the Orcish Frat House, and asked you to steal his dentures back from the Frat Orcs.
:::If you are caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
::*'''(In between)''' You have successfully swiped the Cap'm's teeth from the Frat Orcs -- time to take the nasty things back to him. And then wash your hands.
::*'''(In between)''' You've completed two of Cap'm Caronch's tasks, but (surprise surprise) he's got a third one for you before you can join his crew. Strange how these things always come in threes...
:::Anyway, the Cap'm wants you to defeat Old Don Rickets, the current champion of Insult Beer Pong, at his own game.
::*'''(In between)''' You have successfully joined Cap'm Caronch's crew! Unfortunately, you've been given crappy scutwork to do before you're a full-fledged pirate.
:::Your tasks: scrub the mizzenmast, polish the cannonballs, and shampoo the rigging.
:*'''[Completed]''' Congratulations, you're a mighty pirate! Time to man the poop deck and sail the eleven seas!
::Oh, and also you've managed to scam your way belowdecks, which is cool.

*'''[[An Old Guy and The Ocean]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Old Man, by The Sea, wants you to retrieve his boot. He says he dropped it off the side of his boat while he was fishing.
::*'''(In between)''' You've bought the Old Man's boot back from Big Brother. You should take it back to him.
:*'''[Completed]''' You helped the Old Man retrieve his boot from The Sea. Marvelous!

*'''[[Sea Monkees Quest|Hey, Hey, They're Sea Monkees]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You rescued a strange, monkey-like creature from a Neptune Flytrap. He marked the location of his sea-floor home on your map -- maybe you should go talk to him.
::*'''(In between)''' Little Brother, the Sea Monkee, has asked you to find his older brother. He says he last saw him near the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzsimmons, on the sea floor.
::*'''(In between)''' You've rescued Little Brother's big brother, Big Brother. You should go talk to him. The big brother, I mean. This is all sort of confusing. 
::*'''(In between)''' You've rescued Big Brother, who has agreed to sell you some stuff as a "reward." You don't like him nearly as much as you like Little Brother. Maybe you should go talk to ''him'', instead.
::*'''(In between)''' Little Brother has asked you to rescue his grandpa. He says that Grandpa has been spending a lot of time talking about The Marinara Trench/Anemone Mine/The Dive Bar lately -- that would probably be a good place to start looking for him.
::*'''(In between)''' You've rescued Grandpa, and he's got lots and lots of stories to tell.
:*'''[Completed]''' ''Currently, the quest is removed from your Quest Log.''

*'''[[Primordial Fear]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You remember floating aimlessly in the Primordial Soup. You wanted to do it some more.
::*'''(In between)''' You kept floating in that Soup. It was starting to get kinda boring.
::*'''(In between)''' You remember finding your way to a higher, warmer, oranger part of the Primordial Soup. You were hungry for adventure. And for food.
::*'''(In between)''' You remember finding your way to a higher, warmer, oranger part of the Primordial Soup. You were hungry for adventure. And for food.
:::Every time you tried to swim upward, you ran into a virus named Cyrus. That guy was a real jerk.
::*'''(In between)''' You remember finding your way to a higher, warmer, oranger part of the Primordial Soup. You were hungry for adventure. And for food.
:::Every time you tried to swim upward, you ran into a virus named Cyrus. That guy was a real jerk.

:::You remember inadvertently making him <adjective>.
::*'''(In between)''' You remember finding your way to a higher, warmer, oranger part of the Primordial Soup. You were hungry for adventure. And for food.
:::Every time you tried to swim upward, you ran into a virus named Cyrus. That guy was a real jerk.

:::You remember inadvertently making him <adjective> and <adjective>.
::*'''(In between)''' You remember finding your way to a higher, warmer, oranger part of the Primordial Soup. You were hungry for adventure. And for food.
:::Every time you tried to swim upward, you ran into a virus named Cyrus. That guy was a real jerk.

:::You remember inadvertently making him <adjective>, <adjective> and <adjective>.
:*'''[Completed]''' You remember creating an unstoppable supervirus. Congratulations!

*'''[[Hyboria? I don't even...]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Your ancient ancestor, the mighty warrior Krakrox (and also, at the moment, yourself -- and I know that's confusing, but that's time-travel for you) is exploring the jungles of Loathing and an ancient city that has lain abandoned since even more ancient times. Sounds like good fun, eh?
::*'''(In between)''' Your ancient ancestor, the mighty warrior Krakrox (and also, at the moment, yourself -- and I know that's confusing, but that's time-travel for you) is exploring the jungles of Loathing and an ancient city that has lain abandoned since even more ancient times, to discover and hopefully eliminate the source of a mysterious and deadly plague that is affecting the Pork Elves before it spreads to Seaside Village.
::*'''(In between)''' Having defeated the High Priest of Ki'rhuss and prevented the terrible entity from achieving its full power, or entering our plane of existence, or whatever exactly it was planning, Krakrox has returned home to Seaside Village and, after burying the ruby eye of Ki'rhuss's statue and the Pork Elves' reward behind his hut, is taking a well-deserved rest. But hey, there's always more goblins and stuff to beat up on, should he (or you) be so inclined.
:*'''[Completed]''' You discovered and dug up the Pork Elves' reward to Krakrox in an abandoned lot at the Wrong Side of the Tracks. Congratulations! Ki'Rhuss's ruby eye was there as well, but your adventurer's intuition told you it was better left where it was.

*'''[[Future]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You've journeyed through time to a future megalopolis, and found out you aren't the savior of mankind. Oh, well. Who needs that kind of responsibility?
::*'''(In between)''' You've journeyed through time to a future megalopolis, and found out you're the savior of mankind, as if you didn't have anything ''else'' to do today. Apparently you're supposed to be on the lookout for the Supreme Being, and use your Ruby Rod to find elemental essences.
::*'''(In between)''' In a future megalopolis, you bought a multi-pass. It's a multi-pass. Mool-tee pass. It's a joke that never gets old.
::*'''(In between)''' You've used your multi-pass to get you and the Supreme Being on the Starship ''Bon Mot''. Now you just need to unite all five elements around the sixth, and more ludicrous and trippy stuff will happen.
::*'''(In between)''' You have laid your rod upon the Supreme Being's kitty, and harvested the essence of cute, the mysterious sixth element. You're almost done!
:*'''[Completed]''' You've used the power of all six elements to save the world, and came *this* close to makin' bacon with the Supreme Being. Congratulations! Check your inventory for a secret from the future!
*'''[[Map to The Landscaper's Lair|Scapegoat]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You must find and put a stop to whoever is controlling the army of lawn gnomes in The Landscaper's Lair.

::You've got a hunch that it's probably somebody called The Landscaper, and that he probably lives in the hut marked "The Landscaper's Hut" on your map.

::It's just a hunch, though.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've defeated The Landscaper and claimed his obnoxious leafblower as your own.

*'''[[Cell 37|The Pretty Good Escape]]
:*'''[Current] '''Subject 37, in the Cobb's Knob Menagerie, wants you to find out what the scientists in the Cobb's Knob Laboratory are planning to do to him.
::*'''(In between)''' Subject 37, in the Cobb's Knob Menagerie, wants a snippet of code from one of the BASIC elementals on level 1.
::*'''(In between)''' Subject 37, in the Cobb's Knob Menagerie, wants some spit from one of the weremooses on Level 2. He also wants to know the right way to pluralize "weremoose."
::*'''(In between)''' Subject 37, in the Cobb's Knob Menagerie, wants some blubber from one of the portly abominations on Level 3. The things this guy wants just keep getting grosser and grosser.
:*'''[Completed]''' You've done a good turn, and helped Subject 37 make his escape from the Cobb's Knob Menagerie.

*'''[[The Quest for the Legendary Beat]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' You must defeat Professor Jacking in order to gain access to his laboratory and search for the Legendary Beat.
::*'''(In between)''' You've defeated Professor Jacking and gained unfettered access to his laboratory. Now... where's that Beat?
:*'''[Completed]''' You've managed to find the Legendary Beat, which Professor Jacking had cleverly miniaturized and embedded in your own skin. Fresh!

*'''[[Repair the Elves' Shield Generator]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Explore Ronaldus and Grimacia to find out what happened to the elves. 
::*'''(In between)''' Use the Maps you've found to search for missing scientists. 
::*'''(In between)''' Escort Axel around the moons. 
::*'''(In between)''' Find and repair the shield generator on Hamburglaris. 
:*'''[Completed]''' Congratulations! You've saved a few of the elves! 

*'''[[Clancy (companion)|The Minstrel Cycle]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' Clancy would like you to take him to the Typical Tavern, so he can learn some new songs from the various angry, drunk patrons there.
::*'''(In between)''' Clancy would like you to take him to the Knob Shaft, so that he can learn how to play miner chords.
::*'''(In between)''' Clancy would like you to find the grave of The Luter, so that he can retrieve the lute the Luter looted long ago. Your keen adventuring instincts tell you that the grave is probably near a graveyard.
::*'''(In between)''' Clancy would like you to take him to the Icy Peak, so that he may hear the mournful mating call of the Knott Yeti.
::*'''(In between)''' Clancy would like you to take him to the Ancient Buried Pyramid, so that he can find an ancient piece of sheet music.
:*'''[Completed]''' You have taken Clancy on a whirlwind tour of the Kingdom, and he is now equipped with enough songs that his musical style will never be cramped again. 

*'''[[The Bounty Hunter Hunter's Shack|A Bounty Hunter Is You!]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The bounty hunter hunter wants you to collect <amount> <item> from <monster> in <location>.
::*'''(In between)''' The bounty hunter hunter wants you to collect <amount> <item> from <monster> in <location>. You currently have <count> of them.
:*'''[Completed]''' ''Currently, the quest is removed from your Quest Log.''

*'''[[Orc Chasm Quest|A Quest, LOL]]'''
:*'''[Current]''' The Highland Lord told you that the Baron Rof L'm Fao, in his valley in the Big Mountains, has been overrun by monsters. Maybe you should try to fight your way through them to the gates of the Baron's fortress.
:*'''[Completed]''' You have helped the Baron Rof L'm Fao with his monster problem. w00t!