View source for The Council of Loathing/Zombie Slayer

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In the [[Zombie Slayer]] [[special challenge path]], [[The Council of Loathing]] have bunkered down in their panic room, waiting for someone to put a stop to the zombie apocalypse.

*''Initial text:''
:You enter the Council building, and are unsurprised to find the meeting room empty -- and a little disappointed, because the sight of a bunch of zombies sitting at the Council table would have been pretty amusing.

:Since most of the building is off-limits to the public under more normal circumstances, you take the opportunity to explore a bit. It turns out you weren't really missing anything, unless you're a big fan of offices and file rooms.

:Then, down in the basement, you discover a heavy iron door. Light shines from underneath it, and you hear a faint mutter of voices. Could this be the Council's panic room?

:You bang on the door. "Hello! Hello in there? Is that the Council?"

:"Who's there?" a voice calls back. "This area of the building is not open to the public!"

:"It's <player name>, the adventurer! Let me in, I want to help put a stop to the zombie apocalypse!"

:"Oh do you now? Well, how do we know you're actually an adventurer, and not a zombie who wants to eat our delicious brains?"

:"Well, I..." you pause. "...Are they really delicious?"

:"What?"

:"How delicious are they?"

:"Hah!" the voice shouts. "I knew it! You're a zombie!"

:"No! No, I'm just curious! I mean, you were the one who brought up how delicious your brains are..."

:"You're a zombie, and we're not letting you in!"

:"Look, I'm an adventurer, honest! I just want to help save the kingdom!"

:You hear the voices muttering to each other for a moment, then: "All right, we've voted to permit you to aid us, with the proviso that you won't actually be permitted into the room until your identity is thoroughly verified. Frankly, given the levels of paranoia that some of us are showing lately, you'd better get used to shouting through this door."

:"All right, fine," you sigh. "So what can I do to help?"

:The voices mutter amongst themselves for a while longer.

*''If you haven't visited the Toot Oriole:''
:"We've decided that your first order of business should be to visit the Toot Oriole," calls the voice behind the panic room door. "If he's still around, he may have some useful wisdom or advice."

:"Okay, I'm on it," you shout back.

*''After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:''
:"Were you able to find the Toot Oriole?" the Councillor calls out.

:"No, he's gone. He left me a letter, though."

:"What's it say?"

:"Dunno. I haven't read it yet."

:"Perhaps you should get on with doing that?" the voice suggests dryly. "I mean, I'm sure it's not important or anything, but you know, just to be certain..."

:"Okay okay, jeez."

*''After reading King Ralph's note:''
:"We don't have any tasks for you just yet," calls the voice behind the heavy iron door. "We're still running some proposals through committee."

:"So what should I do in the meantime?" you ask.

:"Just do a general reconnoiter, I suppose? Check out the situation in town; I'd start with The Sleazy Back Alley on the Wrong Side of the Tracks, and the Haunted Pantry on the Right Side of the Tracks. You might also want to check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains, and see if the Knob Goblins are up to anything unusual."

:"Okay then."

*''When no quests are available:''
:"We're having a debate on Undead-Related Emergency Plan-Proposal Protocol," the Councillor calls from behind the panic-room door.

:"Come back a little later, maybe we'll have a task for you then."

*''When wearing the [[V for Vivala mask]]:''
:You knock loudly on the metal panic-room door. "Hey! What do you think of my sweet mask?"

:"I'm not falling for that one," comes the Councillor's reply.

==Quests==
===Level 2 - [[Spooky Forest Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"All right, we've decided on a task for you," says the voice. "We happen to have one of our scientific advisers in here with us..."

:"Hello!" calls a second voice.

:"...And he thinks there's a fair possibility of devising an antidote, if we can figure out where the plague actually originated."

:"Well, that sounds quite sensible," you nod.

:"So, to that end, we want you to bring us a mosquito larva."

:"A... for real?"

:"Yes. Mosquitoes spread all kinds of diseases, after all. Go get one in the Spooky Forest, which is within the Distant Woods. Here, push your map under the door, and I'll mark the location for you."

:"Well, all right, if you say so." 

*''Subsequent times:''
:"We still need a mosquito larva for testing," calls the voice of the Councillor. "Don't delay!"

:"All right," you say, "I'm on it."

*''When returning with the mosquito larva:''
:"Hey in there!" you call out. "I found you a mosquito larva."

:"Great," the voice calls back. "Just push it under the door, and we'll get right on having the scientist analyze it. Here, I'll give you some Meat for your troubles. Good luck finding anywhere to spend it, though."
{{meat|amount=500}}

===Level 3 - [[Typical Tavern Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"So what's next?" you call through the panic-room door.

:"Well, the next likeliest source for a plague would be rats," the Councillor replies.

:"So, Typical Tavern, then? In the Distant Woods?" 

:"Yes, the cellar there is generally swarming with them. No need to bring us back a sample this time, just clean the place out and report back. Let us know if any of the rats are behaving... strangely."

:"Eating each others' brains, you mean?"

:"That would count as 'strange', sure."

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Any luck in the Typical Tavern?" calls the voice behind the door.

:"Oh right. Yeah, I'm still working on that," you reply.

===Level 4 - [[Boss Bat Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"The next potential plague-vector we need you to check out is the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. Go kill the Boss Bat and bring us back some kind of sample for us to test."

:"Okay," you reply, "but do you really think it's likely that the zombie plague started this way? It seems like there's probably a more... I dunno, ''magical'' source."

:"Yes, probably," says the Councillor, "but it's more expedient to check out the simplest options first."

:"Fair enough."

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Have you killed the Boss Bat yet?" the Councillor calls out.

:"Still working on it," you reply, making a mental note to get around to doing that.

*''After defeating the Boss Bat:''
:"Okay, I brought you a sample from the Boss Bat," you say, pushing the bandanna under the door.

:"Great," says the voice. "We were kind of assuming you'd bring his head or at least an ear or something, not clothing, but this is probably good enough. Hold on one second while I have our scientific adviser look at it."

:After a moment, the voice returns: "Okay, this turned out weird. Did you know that bandanna was made of the skins of other bats?"

:"What, really?" you ask. "That is a little weird."

:"Anyway, it checked out disease-free. Well, free of the disease we're interested in, anyway. Here, the scientist made a belt out of it for you."

:"Err... thanks, I guess."
*''When done prior to the August 14, 2014 update:''
{{acquire|item=batskin belt}}

===Level 5 - [[The King of Cobb's Knob Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"Okay," says the Councillor, "our investigation into the source of the plague isn't getting much of anywhere, it seems. We've got something more important for you to check out in the meantime, though."

:"What's that?" you ask.

:"The little information we've received from outside indicates that the Knob Goblins aren't affected by the plague, or at least not in significant numbers. 

:Normally they mind their own business, but with our defenses weakened to the point of non-existence, it's certain that they'll be planning an attack. We've got enough on our hands with the zombies, so dealing with a Knob Goblin invasion as well is right out."

:"So you want me to stop them?"

:"Correct. And to do that you'll have to go right to the top -- neutralize the Goblin King. We have a map here, but unfortunately it's encrypted with some kind of Knob Goblin cypher, so you'll need to figure that out first."

:He pushes the map under the door for you.

*''Subsequent times, before accessing the inside of the Knob:''
:"Any luck with the Knob Goblins?" the Councillor asks.

:"I haven't managed to get into Cobb's Knob yet."

:"You'll need to decrypt that map I gave you. Try looking around the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob for some sort of clue."

*''After accessing the inside of the Knob:''
:"Have you managed to take out the Goblin King yet, adventurer?" 

:"I need a little more time," you say. "He's pretty well defended."

*''After defeating the King:''
:"Okay," you call through the panic-room door. "I killed the Goblin King." 

:"Good work!" comes the reply.

:"You know, I'm not sure that he was actually planning..."

:"You can leave the diplomatic implications to us, <player name>. Don't worry about it."

:"Okay, if you say so..."

===Level 6 - [[Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest]] ===
*''Initial text:''
:"We've just received a radio transmission from the Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods," the Councillor says. "Some kind of distress signal."

:"Well, that's hardly unexpected, under the circumstances," you say. "It's tough all around."

:"Their wisdom and magical knowledge will make them powerful allies against the zombie hordes, so we can't just ignore their cry for help. Go and check it out, see what assistance you can provide them."

:"All right."
*''Subsequent times:''
:"The Deep Fat Friars are still transmitting their distress signal from the Distant Woods," the Councillor says. "Go and lend them your assistance."

:"I'm on my way," you reply.

===Level 7 - [[Undefile the Cyrpt Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"All right," the Councillor says, "it's time to get back on track with this whole zombie thing."

:"Yeah, I was gonna say," you reply.

:"After some debate, we've decided that the most constructive location for you to investigate next would be the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary in the Nearby Plains."

:"Well sure. That probably should have been the ''first'' place that I..."

:"Here," the voice interrupts. "Our scientific adviser says this gizmo should aid you."

:He pushes an object under the door to you.
{{acquire|item=Evilometer}}

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Have you finished exploring the Cyrpt, adventurer?" the Councillor asks from behind the door. "Did you discover the source of the zombie plague?" 

:"Well, not as such," you reply. "I'm still checking it out."

:"I must remind you that time is of the essence. Don't dawdle!"

:"Okay, okay."

*''After defeating the Bonerdagon:''
:"I've cleared out the Cyrpt," you tell the Councillor through the locked door. "There wasn't anything unusual going on there, though. Or, well, nothing ''unexpected''. I brought you the Bonerdagon's skull just in case, though. But it's not going to fit under the door, so you'll have to open up and let me in." 

:"Nice try, but no," the voice replies. "Just roll the teeth under there."

:With a sigh, you push the teeth under the door and throw the rest of the skull away. After a while, the voice returns:

:"Nope," he says, "totally ordinary giant undead dagon skull. Here, the science guy made you another thing. He's a fan of crafts, I guess." He pushes a little bone trinket underneath the door to you.
*''When done prior to the August 14, 2014 update:''
{{acquire|item=dragonbone belt buckle}}

===Level 8 - [[Mt. McLargeHuge Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"We've gotten another SOS call for you to check out," the Councillor says. "This one's from John the Trapper. He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big Mountains. Push your map under the door and I'll mark it for you."

:"Is he... important in some way?" you ask. "Because..."

:"''All'' of the Kingdom's citizens are important," he interrupts, coldly. "And it's frankly offensive that you would suggest that we abandon this man in his time of need."

:"Wow, okay, sorry! I just..."

:"Plus, my wife will kill me if I can't get her a yeti-skin coat for her birthday this year."

:"Oh."

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Did you help out John the Trapper with whatever his problem was?" asks the Councillor.

:"Oh, right," you reply. "Yeah, uh... I'll be right back."

===Level 9 - [[Orc Chasm Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"We've gotten another urgent distress call," says the voice. "This one is from Black Angus"

:"Who?"

:"Black Angus. He's one of the Kingdom's minor nobles. It's not really surprising that you haven't heard of him, he's kind of out in the middle of nowhere." 

:"And I imagine his problem isn't particularly zombie-related, is it?" 

:"Well, maybe? He didn't specify. But he's... well, he's not ''un''important, so we can't just ignore him. His tower is in the Highlands, on the other side of the Orc Chasm." 

:"All right, I'm on it," you say, as you pass your map under the door to be updated.

:"Hey," the Councillor says from behind the panic room door, "Did you say your name was <playername>? Some mail came for you."

:"Mail? How are you guys getting mail in there?" you ask.

:"We have one of those pneumatic tube dealies, like they used to have at the drive-thru at banks."

:"Oh man! I love those things!"

:"Yeah, it's pretty sweet." He pushes your mail underneath the door.
{{acquire|item=strange leaflet}}

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Did you fix whatever the deal was with Black Angus?" calls the voice from behind the door. 

:"Oh, right, Black Angus," you reply. "Yeah, I'm on it. No problem. Have that wrapped up any time now."

===Level 10 - [[Giant Trash Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"<Playername>, we've just received some grave and urgent news."

:"About the source of the zombie plague?" you ask.

:"Well, no. Apparently there are giant piles of garbage falling out of the sky at the Nearby Plains," replies the Councillor. "We need you to find out what's going on, and put a stop to it."

:"Garbage? Okay, littering is ''lame'', sure, but don't we have bigger problems right now?"

:"Look, when we eventually do figure out a cure for the zombie plague, do you think the Kingdom's citizens are going to want to live underneath piles of giant banana peels? It needs to be taken care of now, before it gets out of hand!"

:"Good grief," you sigh. "All right, fine."

*''Subsequent times:''
:"So," says the Councillor, "I hear the garbage is still raining on the Plains. We really need you to do something about that. Maybe you can find a clue in amongst all that trash?"

:"I'm looking into it," you grumble.

*''After completing the quest:''
:"So," the Councillor asks, "were you able to find out what was going on with the garbage?"

:"Yeah," you say, "it turned out to be the Giants that live in the Castle in the Clouds."

:"Hmm. Zombie giants?"

:"No, just the regular sorts."

:"Oh well, good job all the same. All of our maintenance crews are, ah, occupied at the moment -- would you mine{{sic}} helping with the clearing up?"

:"No need," you reply. "The zombies have eaten most of the garbage already. All that was left was this sweet thing I found."

:"Well, enjoy it," the Councillor says. "You earned it, after all."

{{acquire}}

===Level 11 - [[Quest for the Holy MacGuffin]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"We've gotten some more mail for you," says the Councillor. "I went ahead and read it; hope you don't mind."

:"Not at all," you say, rolling your eyes.

:"Long story short, your father, the famed archaeologist, has gone missing. He left behind his diary, with instructions that it be sent to you, but he didn't leave enough postage, so you'll have to go pick it up yourself. You can get there via the Travel Agency at the Shore, but you'll need a passport. Naturally, our passport offices are closed at the moment, what with the zombie apocalypse and all, but you might be able to get some forged papers at the Black Market, which is somewhere in the Black Forest..."

:"Hold it, hold on." you say. "What has this got to do with anything? Can't it wait until ''after'' we've stopped the zombie apocalypse?"

:"As it happens," he replies, "your father was researching an ancient artifact known as the Holy MacGuffin. Now, I don't know anything about it myself, but it seems to me that something called the Holy MacGuffin is probably pretty handy to have when there's a plague of undead on your doorstep, wouldn't you say?"

:"Well... okay, yeah. I guess."

:"So there you go. And off you go."

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Back, are you?" calls the voice behind the vault door. "Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy Whatchamacallit?"

:"MacGuffin. Not yet, I'm working on it."

*''After completing the quest:''
:"You've recovered the Holy MacGuffin?" the Councillor asks. "Quick, shove it under the door!"

:You do so, and after a few minutes of quiet discussion, you hear a lot of cheering and celebratory noises, including the popping of champagne corks.

:"Hey in there!" you shout, banging on the door. "What's going on? Is the Holy MacGuffin the secret to stopping the zombie plague?"

:"Oh, well, maybe?" says the voice. "Honestly, we've got no idea what it is or how to use it. But we've been jonesing for a reason to open this champagne we've had sitting around and have a party, and this seemed like as good a time as any."

:"Terrific," you say. "Can I join you?"

:"Nope! And if I try to put a glass of champagne under the door, it'll spill. You can have some confetti, though."

:"Thanks a bunch," you reply.
{{acquire|item=handful of confetti}}

===Level 12 - [[Mysterious Island Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"I've gotten some reports of trouble brewing on the Mysterious Island of Mystery," the Councillor says. "It sounds like the hippies and frat boys are gearing up for war."

:"And I suppose you want me to drop my investigations into the zombie plague and go negotiate a peace accord or something?"

:"Good heavens, no. We ''want'' them at war."

:"...Come again?"

:"Look, reports say that the hippies and frat boys are more-or-less unaffected by the plague. Maybe because of the amounts of patchouli and alcohol in their respective systems, or maybe because they're quarantined on that little island, or whatever, but..."

:"Wait, 'quarantined'? Do you mean that literally?"

:"...But whatever the case, at our current strength, we'd be ripe for the picking if one of them decided to attack us. So we want them ''distracted'', you see?"

:"Yeah, I get it," you say. "So you want me to go play 'Let's you and him fight.'"

:"Indeed. And if you're caught or killed, my secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions."

:"Fair enough."

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Have you managed to trick the Mysterious Island hippies and frat boys into going to war yet?" the Councillor asks.

:"Not yet. Got any advice?"

:"Well, I believe assassinating Franz Ferdinand was a popular method of starting a war. I'm sorry, to be honest I never paid much attention in my History class in school."

:"They say that if you don't study history, you'll be forced to repeat it," you say.

:"I was," he replies. "Twice."

:You hear the muffled sound of one of the other Councillors playing a rimshot on the panic-room drum kit.

*''After starting the war:''
:"Well, I did it," you tell the panic-room door. "The hippies and frat boys have started an all-out war."

:"Excellent job," the Councillor says. "Now, go help them finish it."

:"...I beg your pardon?"

:"Once we've got this zombie plague sorted out, people are going to be in need of some serious vacations. The Mysterious Island is one of the Kingdom's most popular tourist destinations, so we need to make sure this war doesn't drag out too long."

:"But you said you wanted the hippies and frat boys distracted, so that they wouldn't invade the mainland!"

:"Trust me, the winners will be just as distracted celebrating their victory as they ever were by the fighting," he replies. "Now go rack up some casualties, so they can get their party started. If it seems like slow going at first, try asking around the other people who live on the island."

:"All right, fine."

*''After defeating the hippies:''
:"Were you able to put an end to that war?" the Councillor asks.

:"Yep," you say. "The hippies are, like, history. Man."

:"Good work! I just hope I'll be able to get out of this panic room and join the party before the frat boys drink all the beer. Hey, Parkinson!" he calls to another Councillor. "Look in the supply crates and see if we have any medals or anything. Yeah, that'll do." He pushes a medal underneath the door. "There you are, now you're a decorated war hero. Congratulations."

:"Gee, thanks," you say.

{{acquire}}

*''After defeating the frat boys:''
:"Were you able to put an end to that war?" the Councillor asks.

:"Yep," you say. "The frat boys are totally wasted."

:"Good work! I just hope I'll be able to get out of this panic room and join the party before the hippies smoke all of the... ahem, anyway. Hey, Parkinson!" he calls to another Councillor. "Look in the supply crates and see if we have any medals or anything. Yeah, that'll do." He pushes a medal underneath the door. "There you are, now you're a decorated war hero. Congratulations."

:"Gee, thanks," you say.

{{acquire}}

*''After defeating both sides:''
:"Were you able to put an end to that war?" the Councillor asks.

:"Yep," you answer. "The hippies and frat boys wiped each other completely out, with a little help from yours truly."

:"Nicely done! Tourist revenue will go through the roof, with those miscreants no longer stinking and sleazing up the place. Of course, we'll have to do something about the zombies first, but I'm sure we'll have that solved in no time."

:"Sure thing," you say, though you're not so sure.

:"Here, allow me to bestow upon you the Kingdom's greatest military honor: The Order of the Silver Wossname," he says, pushing a shiny medal underneath the door to you. "Wear it proudly, %Name."

{{acquire|item=Order of the Silver Wossname}}

===Level 13 - [[Naughty Sorceress Quest]]===
*''Initial text:''
:"Well, <playername>," says the Councillor, "our science adviser has come up empty in his research into the zombie plague, and it seems that we have only one avenue of investigation left open to us."

:"Oh?" you say. "What's that?"

:"The Naughty Sorceress. Her lair is to the east of the Nearby Plains. You must seek her out and destroy her!"

:"Well, uh," you say, thinking back to the mocking voice you heard when you first awoke, and how it was a distinctly male one. "Don't ask me how I know this, but I'm pretty certain she's not behind the plague."

:"You'll have to go defeat her regardless," he replies, "because she took advantage of the chaos to kidnap King Ralph. If it turns out she's not behind the plague, well, maybe you can ask her if she knows who is."

*''Subsequent times:''
:"Please hurry and defeat the Naughty Sorceress, adventurer!" says the Councillor, behind the iron panic-room door. "I'm getting really sick of being locked in this little room. If I have to play even one more round of charades, I'll <font color="gray">-cough-</font> I'll lose my mind!"

*''After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:''
:"I did it!" you excitedly shout to the panic-room door. "I defeated the Naughty Sorceress, and oh man, just wait till I tell you what happened next!"

:"Did you <font color="gray">-cough-</font> free the King?" comes the response.

:"What? ...Oh!"

:"Yeah, maybe you should do that. <font color="gray">-cough-</font> No hurry or anything. <font color="gray">-cough-</font>"

:"Right. Sorry. Be right back."

[[Category:Game Messages]]