View source for The Duchess' Cottage

{{adventuretop|image=duchess.gif|name=The Duchess&#39; Cottage|num=450}}
You follow the map -- as well as the smell of pepper and the sound of breaking pottery -- to the Duchess's Cottage. You knock on the door, but no one answers.

After a few minutes the door cracks open and a footman in livery (which is much fancier than a liverman in footlery) comes running out. "Screw this!" he shouts. "Life is too short to --" he stops abruptly as a huge soup tureen shatters against the back of his head, knocking him out cold.

"I'll just let myself in," you say, and walk through the door. It's dark and stuffy inside, but you can see the Duchess sitting at the head of table, and it's enough to make you wish it were even darker. She's profoundly, deeply, indelibly ugly, with a giant head, beady little eyes, a sharp chin, and pointy knees.

You tiptoe up to the table and sit down. She hasn't chucked a plate at you yet, so maybe you're welcome to stay. After what seems like an eternity, she finally fixes her piggy eyes on you and shouts, "where's my supper, then?"

"Um . . . well, I guess I can whip something up," you say, nonplussed.

"Fine," she says. "We'll want at least five courses. Pig!"

Before you can say, "well, you don't have to call me names," a piglet runs over your toes and out the door, squealing all the way.

"Now, let us eat!" she says.

{{button|Feed the Duchess, If You Know What I Mean}}

*''With [[beautiful soup]], [[Lobster qua Grill]], [[Missing wine]], [[walrus ice cream]] and [[Humpty Dumplings]]:''

You shrug your shoulders. "The only thing I don't have is this bottle of wine," you say, and hand the missing wine to the Duchess. "Capital!" she shouts. "Saves one the trouble of drinking it, and the moral of that is, 'too many cooks spoil the broth!'" Now, let's have something to whet my appetite!"

You give the Duchess your bowl of Beautiful Soup. She tastes it, adds about a wheelbarrow full of pepper, then lifts the bowl and drinks it down. "Delectable and pulchritudinous!" she cries. "But the next course should have some substance to it, and the moral of that is, 'only cowgirls get the blues!'"

You give the Duchess your plate of Humpty Dumplings. "Capital!" the Duchess says. "I would have eaten up your candy and your licorice, but these will do!" Then she smacks her lips and rubs her stomach in a spectacularly off-putting fashion. "Ah, nothing like dumplings to put one in the mood for crustaceans. And the moral of that is, 'let sleeping dogs lie.'"

You hand your Lobster qua Grill to the Duchess. She cracks open the shell with her chin and gobbles the meat inside. "Nothing hits the spot quite like sea-bug!" she shouts. "It doesn't even need any pepper! But I added some, anyway, and the moral of that is, 'never trust Whitey!' And now, for dessert!"

You hand your dish of walrus ice cream to the Duchess. She buries her face in it, snorfling it down in a most unladylike fashion. "Needs more pepper, but still a perfect end to a perfect meal!" she shouts.

After she finishes the ice cream, the Duchess leans back and belches, contented. "A most acceptable feast!" she cries. "For your reward, you may have the Gratitude of a Duchess, and you may touch my hair if you like!"

"Thanks a whole heap," you say, and pat the Duchess's head. Then you head for the door, and on your way out you steal the first reasonably expensive-looking thing you can lay your hands on.

{{acquire|item=ittah bittah hookah}} 

*''For any subsequent visit with [[beautiful soup]], [[Lobster qua Grill]], [[Missing wine]], [[walrus ice cream]] and [[Humpty Dumplings]]:''

You shrug your shoulders. "The only thing I don't have is this bottle of wine," you say, and hand the missing wine to the Duchess. "Capital!" she shouts. "Saves one the trouble of drinking it, and the moral of that is, 'too many cooks spoil the broth!'" Now, let's have something to whet my appetite!"

You give the Duchess your bowl of Beautiful Soup. She tastes it, adds about a wheelbarrow full of pepper, then lifts the bowl and drinks it down. "Delectable and pulchritudinous!" she cries. "But the next course should have some substance to it, and the moral of that is, 'only cowgirls get the blues!'"

You give the Duchess your plate of Humpty Dumplings. "Capital!" the Duchess says. "I would have eaten up your candy and your licorice, but these will do!" Then she smacks her lips and rubs her stomach in a spectacularly off-putting fashion. "Ah, nothing like dumplings to put one in the mood for crustaceans. And the moral of that is, 'let sleeping dogs lie.'"

You hand your Lobster qua Grill to the Duchess. She cracks open the shell with her chin and gobbles the meat inside. "Nothing hits the spot quite like sea-bug!" she shouts. "It doesn't even need any pepper! But I added some, anyway, and the moral of that is, 'never trust Whitey!' And now, for dessert!"

You hand your dish of walrus ice cream to the Duchess. She buries her face in it, snorfling it down in a most unladylike fashion. "Needs more pepper, but still a perfect end to a perfect meal!" she shouts.

After she finishes the ice cream, the Duchess leans back and belches, contented. "A most acceptable feast!" she cries. "For your reward, you may have the Gratitude of a Duchess, and you may touch my hair if you like!" 

"Thanks a whole heap," you say, and pat the Duchess's head. On your way out the door, you see a hookah just like the one you already have. You try to grab it -- I mean, you can't have too many of these things, right? -- and the hookah lifts its hose into the air and points it at you. "One per customah, fellah," it says, and blows a cloud of smoke in your face.

{{acquireEffect|duration=20}}

*''Without the above meals:''

The Duchess taps her foot impatiently while you show her what foodstuffs you have, then turns up her nose. "Come back when you can provide proper food for someone of my station, pig!" (Okay, this time, she was totally calling you names.)

{{button|Walk Away}}

----

Occurs at choice in [[A Moment of Reflection]].

{{Duchess_Feast}}