The Odd Jobs Board

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Choice adventure number: 985

The Odd Jobs Board

You look at the Odd Jobs Board to see what weird tasks people are currently hiring for.

Slight Jobs

Wanted: Chip Stacker The Head Croupier at the Thatch-Roof Casino needs someone to sort the poker chips by color and weight, then stack them neatly. It's an obsessive-compulsive's dream job. Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You sort the chips and stack the chips and sort the chips and stack the chips. It requires a little dexterity, a little muscle, and a touch of brains to make sure you stack the right amount of each denomination of chip.

Wanted: Fountain Cleaner The Council of Loathingneeds[sic] someone to fish out all the little bits of meat people keep throwing in the town fountain for some reason. You can keep what you find. Wages: 350 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You strain some meat out of the fountain and stuff it in your meatpouch. It's gross, but it still spends fine.

Wanted: Graffiti Transplanter The Sleazy Back Alley is covered in gross and explicit graffiti. The Council is outraged, and wants someone to erase all of that filth--and painstakingly transcribe it onto the Graffiti Wall, where it belongs. Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You brush a coat of flat white paint over the Graffiti Wall. Unsurprisingly, there's new graffiti on it before you've even finished. Some of the discarded spraypaint cans littering the area still have some life in them, so you claim them as a bonus.

Wanted: Gutter Polisher The Council of Loathing is looking for a hard-working entrepreneur to clean up the gutters of Seaside Town[sic] Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You grab a rag and canvas the streets of Seaside Town (it's a canvas rag) until the gutters are all as clean as it is possible for a gutter to be.

Wanted: Hovel Sweeper The Pretentious Artist needs someone to sweep his dirt-floored hovel. Maybe it's some kind of art project on the ironic futility of life, or something? Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You spend a few hours sweeping the dirt around in the hovel. Finally, the Artist nods approvingly and says you're done.

Wanted: Knob Polisher The doorknobs in Spookyraven Manor have become tarnished with age, and the Loathing Historical Society is looking for someone to restore them to their former luster. The ideal candidate will not snicker about the job title. Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You polish all the external knobs on the Manor, and all of the internal ones you can get to without fighting some weird ghost/appliance hybrid.

Wanted: Manor Painter The exterior of Spookyraven Manor needs a fresh coat of whitewash, to cover the horrors that lurk within (and the dry rot that lurks without). Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You spend a few hours whitewashing the Manor, wishing there were some gullible kids around you could trick into doing the job for you.

Wanted: Museum Cleaner The Museum docents need someone to help dust the various memorials and plaques, and to repair damage caused by adventurers trying to carve their names on leaderboards after the fact. Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You spend a few hours in the museum with a featherduster and a can of Bondo.

Wanted: Stock-Taker The General Store's General needs someone to take inventory for him, so he knows how much of which goods he will need to reorder. Upon reflection, this is more of a regular job than an odd job. Wages: 200 chewing gum on a string (3) Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You count the items on the General's shelves. It takes a while, because he appears to have an infinite quantity of everything. Pleased to know that he won't need to re-order, he gives you some gum as a bonus. So that's what was odd about it.

Wanted: Wall Repainter The Council of Loathing needs someone to give the Graffiti Wall a fresh coat of paint, so the town's budding young artists will have a fresh canvas for their various obscentities. Wages: 250 spray paint (3) Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You brush a coat of flat white paint over the Graffiti Wall. Unsurprisingly, there's new graffiti on it before you've even finished. Some of the discarded spraypaint cans littering the area still have some life in them, so you claim them as a bonus.

Wanted: Window Breaker The Council of Loathing wants able-bodied Adventurers to break a bunch of the windows on the Wrong Side of the Tracks in Seaside Town, so that all of the windows will match, making the derelict buildings more aesthetically pleasing. The Broken Windows Theory suggests that this will reduce crime. Wages: 300 Do This Job (3 Adventures)

You grab a handful of loose baseballs from a playground and hurl them one by one through the few remaining unbroken windows on the Wrong Side of the Tracks.

Staunch Jobs

Wanted: Apple Harvester Molly Applecore, the owner of Loathing's only apple orchard, needs a hired hand to help harvest and crate her daily apple crop. Once all the apples have been loaded into crates, she'll ship all of them to Distant Lands, because everyone knows there's no market for apples in the Kingdom. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend the day harvesting apples, hauling apples, even squeezing apple cider. You're tempted to taste the forbidden fruit, but that never works out well in the stories you've read.

Wanted: Barge Lifter/Bale Toter The East Loathing Trading Company's barge from the Distant Lands has finally arrived at the Docks of Loathing. Now they require someone to lift the barge out of the water and tote the bales of Distant Lands merchandise off of the barge. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You lift that barge. Then you tote that bale. Then you rest. Then you do it again.

Wanted: Forge Bellower The Meatsmith wants to hire someone to work the bellows at his forge. Not, he wants to make clear, to stand around shouting loudly, which is apparently a miscommunication that has happened before. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You stand next to the Meatsmith's forge, working the bellows for a while. It's hot and tiring work, but it beats customer service.

Wanted: Hercules Wannabe Susie the Arena Mistress needs an Adventurer with a strong back and a stronger stomach to clean out the stables at the Cake-Shaped Arena. Bring your own hand sanitizer. Wages: 900 Pine-Fresh air freshener (1) Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You grab a shovel with one hand, hold your nose with the other, and get to work. It takes twice as long as it would have if you had used both hands. You should really learn to shovel better.

Wanted: Hod Carrier The Pretentious Artist has come up in the world a bit, and is adding a layer of mud to his dirt-walled hovel. He needs someone to kneel before a hod(a flat board with a carrying handle, piled high with mud), lift the hod into the air, and hold it while an artisan daubs mud onto the hovel. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

Sweating and straining, you lift the hod and hold it until it's emptied, then slop more mud on it and hoist it again. Children of a lesser hod would've given up halfway through.

Wanted: Janitor's Aide Olaf at the Brotherhood of the Smackdown needs someone to spot him while he organizes and polishes the Brotherhood's barbell collection. Wages: 900 strongness elixir (3) Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You help Olaf rearrange the Brotherhood's barbells and strength-enhancers. As a bonus, he gives you a bottle of elixir that's just past its expiration date, but it's probably still good.

Wanted: Paper Adult The Loathing Herald-Times-Tribune-Messenger needs muscle-bound persons to stack giant bundles of newspapers into semi-tractor-trailers to be hauled all over the Kingdom. The ideal candidate won't comment on what a waste of time and resources it is to print news on dead trees every day. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You haul and hoist and heft huge bales of newspaper, until your fingers are stained black with newsprint and your muscles are aching.

Wanted: Squirrel Defense Specialist One of the local parks reports gangs of squirrels becoming over-agressive and mugging picnickers for their sandwiches. The Council wishes to hire someone to… do something about that. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend a few hours glaring at squirrels and warning them to be polite if they want to keep their nuts uncracked. It seems like you made a strong impression.

Wanted: Stockroom Assistant Warren, the Armorer and Leggerer, needs someone to help him rearrange his stockroom, for obvious reasons. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend a couple hours hauling weapons and armor down off of high shelves and arranging them in piles that Warren can get to with his mouth. It's a pretty good workout.

Wanted: Tracks Cleaner Kids keep putting bits of meat on the Tracks. The Council doesn't understand why anyone would do that, but needs someone to go clean up the mess. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend some time mopping and polishing the Tracks. It's fiddly work, and and a real workout for your back. Fortunately, you manage to finish before a train comes. Wait, do trains even use these tracks?

Wanted: Weight Re-racker The musclebound lunks at the gym in Degrassi Knoll aren't putting the free weights back. Anyone who asks them to be more courteous ends up with a broken eye or a black arm. The gym's owners are sidestepping the problem by hiring someone to constantly put the weights away after they've been used. Remember to lift with your knees. And, y'know, your hands. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend hours walking back and forth carrying weights and sorting them on pegs. It's not thrilling, but it's good for your trikes, bikes, quads, and lutes.

Sagacious Jobs

Wanted: Crossword Editor Mysticality Mynthly needs a copy-editor to make sure none of the ancient, forbidden words in this month's crossword will cause dimensional rifts to alternate realities full of betentacled elder gods. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You check each crossword clue, rolling around the black speech in your head until you feel like you could summon an eldritch horror to lay waste to the entire Kingdom. I mean, you're not going to, but you feel like you could.

Wanted: Genie Bottler Wizard Novelties & Boffo Laffs, Inc., just received a new shipment of genies from Distant Lands. Unfortunately, due to a translation error, the genies were shipped unbottled. Instead of waiting around to be released, they're threatening to rend the very fabric of reality. Bottling genies isn't technically challenging, but it is mentally exhausting. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You recite the proper incantations to put each genie into a bottle, then perform a series of hexes on each individual bottle to keep the genie imprisoned until the bottle's rubbed the right way. It's pretty mind-expanding work.

Wanted: Library Organizer The Librarian who runs the library across the street from the Sleazy Back Alley is looking for someone to organize and reshelve a few stacks of returned books. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

It turned out "a few" stacks of returned books meant nearly the library's entire collection, and it's not like you have the Dewey Decimal System memorized. Fortunately, the judicious application of magic makes the task go by quicker (or more specifically, compresses a week of time spent inside the library into a few hours outside it).

Wanted: Love-Potion Brewer The Love Potion Brewers Union #9 is on strike, and Wizard Novelties & Boffo Laffs, Inc. is calling in scabs to brew a batch of their new love potion. It says something about the wizarding world that a beverage with the power to negate someone's free will is considered a "novelty" or a "boffo laff." Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend all day mixing up a draught of devotion, a libation of loyalty, a potion of perversion--well, maybe not that last one. The fumes from the process leave you a little more magically-inclined, and slightly attracted to Erlenmeyer flasks.

Wanted: Lunacy-Tolerant Scribe The Captain of the Gourd needs someone to help him transcribe his insane ramblings from a teetering stack of old composition books into a teetering stack of fresh composition books. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend several hours making copies of the Captain's innermost thoughts. They are similar to his outermost thoughts: crazy.

Wanted: Meal Deliverer A local restaurant has begin a program of delivering meals to the elderly and shut-ins, and needs someone to make deliveries. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

Not wanting to spend all day lugging food around town and up fourth-floor walk-ups and so on, you enchant the food containers to grow actual little legs and do it themselves. Hopefully they have enough of a self-preservation instinct to run from stray dogs.

Wanted: Salad Spinner A local health-food restaurant wants to increase awareness of their location by hiring someone to stand outside the restaurant juggling vegetables. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend a few hours outside the restaurant, tossing salad. The application of levitation and prestidigitation spells allows you to sit and read a magazine while you're doing it, so it's a little boring, but not overwhelming. The hardest part is keeping the dressing from splashing passers-by.

Wanted: Salve Taste-Tester Doc Galaktik is working on a new batch of medicinal salve, and needs someone to help choose the tastiest combination of ingredients. Wages: 900 Doc Galaktik's Restorative Balm (3) Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You help Doc Galaktic refine the taste of his new batch of salve. It's actually meant to be a topical salve, not taken internally, but Doc G says, "Nobody ever reads the label, so it might as well taste good."

Wanted: Staff Polisher The League of Chef-Magi seeks a strongly mystical applicant to polish the staves in the Ancient Mystical Artifact collection. No one who snickers at the job title will be considered for the position. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend an afternoon polishing staffs. Some of them have stains that aren't composed of materials found on this mortal plane, and some of them are very animated and averse to being cleaned at all. It takes all your mystical will to get the job done.

Wanted: Transmutation Subject The League of Chef-Magi needs someone for trainees to practice transformation spells on. Strong stomach required, must not be allergic to animal dander. Wages: 900 magicalness-in-a-can (3) Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You hang out at the League for a while, letting students turn you into various animals, mainly cats. Gorgonzola assures you that the urge to use a box of sand as a bathroom will go away within a couple hours, and gives you something to help with that.

Wanted: Wall Shaver One of the broom closets in Spookyraven Manor has become a hellish, obscenely biological nightmare, its wallpapered walls transfigured into human flesh. Even worse, that flesh is covered in gross hair! The ideal applicant will be able to shave the walls without going mad from the tortured whispering leaking under the doorway. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend hours shaving the walls, using your mystical training to avoid focusing on the fact that you're shaving the walls. By the time you're done, you feel like climbing the walls.

Suave Jobs

Wanted: Artist's Model The Pretentious Artist wants to do some nude paintings, and needs a model who won't object to being looked at by a naked man. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend some time in the Pretentious Artist's hovel, standing very still with your eyes averted and steadfastly keeping a straight face.

Wanted: Ballroom Blitzer The musicians in the Spookyraven Manor ballroom have gotten bored of playing the same waltzes for several hundred years, and would like someone to come teach them some new tunes. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You go jam with the Spookyraven Ballroom musicians for a while. They're not quite ready for anything too modern, but you teach them some swing, some jazz, and a few light rock ballads. Arranging swing music for harpsichord and viola is an interesting new experience.

Wanted: Barrel Arranger The mysterious… organization? Cult? Whatever, that owns the Barrel Full of Barrels needs someone to sweep up all the splinters and metal hoops, and line up some fresh barrels to replace the broken ones. Wages: 1000 fine wine (1) Do This Job ( Adventures)

You spend a few hours rolling out the barrels. It's a barrel of fun, and now you've got the blues on the run. No, just kidding, it's hard, tiring, back-breaking work. But it pays. Also, you find an unbroken bottle of wine that someone overlooked.

Wanted: Card Shuffler The Thatched-Roof Casino, in an attempt to make games play more quickly, has decided to hire card shufflers to keep a stock of pre-shuffled decks of cards on-hand. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend some time shuffling decks of cards and wrapping them with paper ribbons stamped "Shuffled by #<player ID>". This is apparently a safeguard to keep people from stacking the decks for their or their friends' advantage later. Not that you'd ever consider doing such a thing. Certainly not.

Wanted: Cobweb Hanger Some genius at the Loathing Historical Preservation Society left the window open in the foyer of Spookyraven Manor, and all the cobwebs blew away. The Society seeks someone with an eye for interior decorating to artfully arrange imported cobwebs. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You spend a few hours figuring out how to drape cobwebs to provide the most foreboding and decayed atmosphere. It's hard work, but it's cool work.

Wanted: Death-Quip Writer Secret agent Ionic Bond (who always tells people his real, full name, because that's what a good secret agent does) seeks a moxious writer to write pun-based, badass quips he can make after offing a villain. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

Mr. Bond provides you with a bunch of death scenarios, and you write a cool quip for each of them. You're particularly proud of, "I guess he should have shuffled away before the cut," for someone stabbed to death with a deck of cards.

Wanted: Eyebrow Archer The Council of Loathing's Complaint Department seeks a qualified candidate to sit behind the Complaints desk silently, motionless, and with a sardonically-arched eyebrow. They figure it will cut down substantially on the number of complaints. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You sit and arch your eyebrow with an air of cool superiority. A few brave souls approach the complaints desk, but are unable to endure your withering contempt.

Wanted: Pocket Pickee The Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts needs someone to stand around while trainees steal their wallet over and over. Wages: 900 moxie weed (3) Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You stand around in the Department for a while, while neophyte pickpockets practice their skills on you. Fortunately, you left your real wallet with Shifty while you were there, and also fortunately, he gave you a receipt for it and all its contents. As you're leaving, you find a moxie weed in your pocket -- seems like one of the trainees had the wrong idea.

Wanted: Sleight-of-Foot Magician The Loathing Association of Soccer or Possibly Football (LASPF) seeks an entertainer for their halftime show. The desired applicant will be moxious enough to perform card tricks and close-up illusions without using his or her hands. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You manage to suavely guess cards, juggle scarves, and pilfer wallets using only your dexterous toes. You feel pretty moxious when it's all done.

Wanted: Sunglasses Model Handsome Hank's Modeling School is looking for a cool Adventurer to demonstrate to its students the proper way to wear sunglasses. Lunch is included. Wages: 800 martini (3) Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You put on sunglasses and lean casually against the wall of the classroom. Then you hold that pose for six hours.

Wanted: Twister The secret dance club in the Sleazy Back Alley is suffering from an empty dance floor. The club's mysterious owner seeks a moxious applicant to do the Twist on their dance floor, encouraging other patrons to join in. Wages: 1000 Do This Job (10 Adventures)

You do the Twist, complete with the little Batusi hand-movements, somehow managing to look cool doing it. The club's owners thank you, pay you, and then wipe your memory of the dance club's location.

Notes

• In addition to the specified rewards, each job yields substats based on its category.
• The Board shows one job of each category at once; slight, staunch, sagacious and suave. Slight jobs yield few substats in equal measure, whereas the others yield more, weighted towards their respective stats. Taking a job renews the jobs, although the same jobs may reappear.
• Trying to take a job with insufficient time elicits:

You don't have time to take that job.

• You are able take on an odd job while falling-down drunk.

References

• The job "Manor Painter" is a reference to when Tom Sawyer tricks the boys of the neighborhood into paying him to whitewash the fence.
• In the "Window Breaker" job, the mentioned "Broken Windows Theory" states the opposite of what the board claims, stating that broken windows encourage crime.
• The job "Death-Quip Writer" is a reference to James Bond and his frequent quips. It is also a reference to the Ionic Bond meme.

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Occurs at Seaside Town.