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| {{button|[[The Field of Strawberries]]}} | | {{button|The Field of Strawberries}} |
| | | (Leads to one of three adventures, depending on class: [[The Field of Strawberries (Seal Clubber)]] makes [[Walrus ice cream]] available as a [[Seal Clubber]], [[The Field of Strawberries (Pastamancer)]] makes [[eggman noodles]] available as a [[Pastamancer]], otherwise [[The Field of Strawberries]] yields [[yellow matter custard]]) |
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| {{button|The Caucus Racetrack}} | | {{button|The Caucus Racetrack}} |
| | | (Leads to one of three adventures, depending on class: [[A Caucus Racetrack (Sauceror)]] makes [[Vial of jus de larmes]] available as a [[Sauceror]], [[A Caucus Racetrack (Accordion Thief)]] makes [[missing wine]] available as an [[Accordion Thief]], otherwise [[The Caucus Racetrack]] yields [[delicious comfit?]]) |
| You wander down to the caucus racetrack. The participants are lining up down on the track, doing various improbable stretches to warm up. You see that the stands are packed with people-- well, various off-putting and absurd anthropomorphic animals -- waiting for the main event to start.
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| The Dodo sees you walk in, and impatiently waves you down to the track. You quickly find a place at one of the starting blocks so the Dodo'll quit staring at you with his creepy reptilian eyes. "Hey," you whisper to the racer next to you (an anthropomorphic badger, if you must know), "how does this work? What are the rules?"
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| "Well," the badger replies, "we all run around and around in a circle, claiming that we're doing the best we can to get to the goal. Meanwhile, we trip the runners next to us, and then complain that they haven't run far enough."
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| "But who wins?" you ask.
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| Before the badger can answer, the Dodo fires the starting pistol, and you take off running. You assure the crowd that you'll reach your destination any minute now, as you go around and around the track. You manage to trip a few other runners, and manage to make it look like it's their fault they haven't gotten farther.
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| The whole process leaves you a little sick to your stomach, and you're not sorry to see the Dodo fire the pistol again to end the race. "Congratulations!" the Dodo says. "You've all worked very hard together to accomplish nothing! You all lose! Here are your consolation prizes!" | |
| {{acquire|item=delicious comfit?}}
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| ''As an Accordion Thief:''
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| You wander down to the caucus racetrack. The participants are lining up down on the track, doing various improbable stretches to warm up. You see that the stands are packed with people-- well, various off-putting and absurd anthropomorphic animals -- waiting for the main event to start. You wonder if maybe you're a little too moxious to take part in the race itself; there don't seem to be any other accordion-toting badasses on the starting line.
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| {{button|Find a seat}}
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| You find an empty seat next to one of the patrons, an anthropomorphic pig. It looks like the pig's been out in the sun too long; the back of his neck is bright red.
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| "So," you say, "I've never been to one of these before. How does it work?"
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| "Whooo-eee!" the pig shouts. "It's the most excitin' thing you'll ever hope to see! They get on the track, and they wave a checkered flag, and then they go round and round and round and round and round and round for hours! The first one to go around five hundred times wins!"
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| "Sounds fascinating," you say, and then you get up and wander off. You end up at the White Rabbit's house, but no one seems to be home.
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| You sneak inside and find that nearly every flat surface is covered with bottles of liquor. Huh, so that's why he's late all the time.
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| You go to steal a bottle of wine, but something about the weird vibe of this place is throwing off your thief-y groove. You steal the wine so hard that you end up with a bottle full of wine that isn't there. Freaky, man.
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| {{acquire|item=missing wine}}
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| {{button|Head to the starting line}}
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| {{button|The Croquet Grounds}} | | {{button|The Croquet Grounds}} |
| | | (Leads to one of three adventures, depending on class: [[The Croquet Grounds (Turtle Tamer)]] makes [[beautiful soup]] available as a [[Turtle Tamer]], [[The Croquet Grounds (Disco Bandit)]] makes [[Lobster qua Grill]] available as a [[Disco Bandit]], otherwise fight a [[croqueteer]] for a [[croquet hedgehog]] or [[flamingo mallet]]) |
| You follow the map past the Coffee Grounds, past the Grounds for Dismissal, and finally find yourself on the Croquet Grounds. You join a line of surreal and off-putting anthropomorphic animals waiting for their flamingos and hedgehogs.
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| As you wait in line, you notice that your foot is tapping out a complicated little rhythm, seemingly of its own accord. You concentrate hard, and realize you can hear beautiful music coming from the far side of the grounds. Your hips start to sway back and forth a little as you hum along.
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| {{Button|Follow your hips}}
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| [[image:quadrille.gif|center]] | |
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| You figure that your hips don't lie, so you follow where their swaying leads you. You find a little beach behind the croquet grounds, and there are all manner of aquatic creatures lined up, doing a complicated dance.
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| "Hey," you ask a passing sea lion, "what're you guys doing?"
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| "It's the Lobster Quadrille," the sea lion says. "Hurry and grab a lobster, or there won't be any left!"
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| You quickly snag a partnerless lobster, and you and the crustacean dance for what seems like hours.
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| You look up to see that it's gotten dark, and that your lobster is nowhere to be found. You see the same sea lion you saw before, and grab his flipper. "Where'd everybody go?"
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| "It's the post-Quadrille dinner! Yeesh, what're you, new?" he says.
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| Turns out dinner is a delicious lobster bisque, with lobster alfredo and lobster juice to drink. You're so stuffed that you can't finish your lobster tail.
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| {{acquire|item=Lobster qua Grill}}
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| {{Button|Stick to croquet}}
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| Fight a croqueteer
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| (Or, as a turtle tamer:)
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| You follow the map past the Coffee Grounds, past the Grounds for Dismissal, all the way to the Croquet Grounds. You join a line of surreal and off-putting anthropomorphic animals waiting to be requisitioned their flamingos and hedgehogs.
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| As you wait in line, your ears start to tingle. You close your eyes and listen hard, and you realize you can hear reptilian sobbing. It sounds like a turtle in distress, but there's a strangeness to the sound that makes you less sure of yourself.
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| {{Button|Investigate the noise}}
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| You follow the sobbing until you find a most unlikely creature sitting by itself on a log, crying its little eyes out. It looks like a turtle from the neck down, but from the neck up it has the head of a calf. You're pretty sure it's one of the signs of the apocalypse, but you figure it's at least part turtle, so it's your duty to help it.
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| "What's the matter?" you ask.
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| "Oh, it's just that I made this tureen of beautiful soup to share with everyone," it says, "but they wouldn't let me sit at the table with them! They said I'm not a real turtle -- that I'm some kind of mutant! So I knocked them all down with my nunchuks, and now no one will play with me!"
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| "There, there," you say, "it'll be all right. Just apologize for beating them down, and let them know that if they call you names again, you'll have to apologize again after you kick the crap out of them again."
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| "*sniffle Thanks," the mock turtle says. "Here, have some of my soup."
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| You accept the bowl of soup, and the mock turtle wasn't kidding: that's not just hot soup, it's beautiful. You would hit that soup like a freight train.
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| {{acquire|item=beautiful soup}}
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| {{Button|Get your head in the game}}
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| Fight a croqueteer
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| {{button|The Duchess' Cottage}} | | {{button|[[The Duchess' Cottage]]}} |
| | | (Exchange all five courses of the meal for an [[Ittah bittah hookah]]) |
| You follow the map -- as well as the smell of pepper and the sound of breaking pottery -- to the Duchess's Cottage. You knock on the door, but no one answers.
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| After a few minutes the door cracks open and a footman in livery (which is much fancier than a liverman in footlery) comes running out. "Screw this!" he shouts. "Life is too short to --" he stops abruptly as a huge soup tureen shatters against the back of his head, knocking him out cold.
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| "I'll just let myself in," you say, and walk through the door. It's dark and stuffy inside, but you can see the Duchess sitting at the head of table, and it's enough to make you wish it were even darker. She's profoundly, deeply, indelibly ugly, with a giant head, beady little eyes, a sharp chin, and pointy knees.
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| You tiptoe up to the table and sit down. She hasn't chucked a plate at you yet, so maybe you're welcome to stay. After what seems like an eternity, she finally fixes her piggy eyes on you and shouts, "where's my supper, then?"
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| "Um . . . well, I guess I can whip something up," you say, nonplussed.
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| "Fine," she says. "We'll want at least five courses. Pig!"
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| Before you can say, "well, you don't have to call me names," a piglet runs over your toes and out the door, squealing all the way.
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| "Now, let us eat!" she says.
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| {{button|Feed the Duchess, If You Know What I Mean}}
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| The Duchess taps her foot impatiently while you show her what foodstuffs you have, then turns up her nose. "Come back when you can provide proper food for someone of my station, pig!" (Okay, this time, she was totally calling you names.)
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| {{button|Walk Away}}
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| {{button|The Great Big Chessboard}} | | {{button|[[The Great Big Chessboard]]}} |
| | | (Play a puzzle for a chess cookie) |
| ou follow the map to a huge sunny meadow, meticulously landscaped and criss-crossed with sparkling brooks that divide the grassy plain into sixty-four squares, some of which are occupied by people in dark-colored clothing who appear to be waiting patiently for something. As you approach the first rank of squares, marveling at the strange beauty of the scene, you accidentally bump into someone dressed as a bishop who was running to occupy the same square. They fall over backwards with a surprised squawk and vanish mysteriously when they hit the ground. Even mysteriouser, you feel a strange tingle throughout your body, and find that your clothes have changed into a bishop's outfit. Huh.
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| Standing at the first rank of the chessboard, you see a large golden chest sitting just on the opposite side of the eighth rank. I believe the first rule of adventuring is "Anything in a treasure chest is yours, if you can grab it."
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| '''To complete the puzzle''': Play chess by moving pieces allowing the treasure to get to the other side of the board.
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| '''When other side of the board is reached''': Trumpets blast a fanfare as you advance to the eighth rank. You kneel to open the golden treasure chest, and it melts and shifts in your hands, turning into an elegant golden tea-tray. There's only one cookie (or 'biscuit', as people who own tea-trays are wont to say) left, but it looks like a particularly tasty one.
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| {{acquire|item=king cookie}}
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| OR
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| {{acquire|item=rook cookie}}
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| OR
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| {{acquire|item=bishop cookie}}
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| {{button|Put the map away}} | | {{button|Put the map away}} |
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| ==Notes== | | ==Notes== |
| *Choosing "Put the map away" does not consume the item. | | *Choosing "Put the map away" does not consume the item. |
| *Does not consume an adventure. | | *Uses one adventure unless "put away". |
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| | {{Duchess_Feast}} |
