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imported>Bale
I haven't spaded that, but it shows up at rounds in the middle of combat, so that must be what Skully meant
imported>Discordance
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{{NeedsContent|comment=We already found 40 of the 42 donor ads and 44 of the 46 nondonor ads. With ''your'' help we can find the rest.}}
{{NeedsContent|Ad format changed at some point and now lists the current iotm as clickable item}}
{{NeedsSpading|comment=How accurate is 90 days? (Rollover to rollover, hour to hour, millisecond to millisecond?)}}
{{NeedsSpading|comment=How accurate is 90 days? (Rollover to rollover, hour to hour, millisecond to millisecond?)}}
The Kingdom of Loathing is a game that has held itself up for over 11 years with mainly donations. However, they have been slowing down and they need your help! This page lists all the ads that are shown above combat. These ads show up at random with a 1/30 chance per combat round. If you have donated in the past 90 days, you will get a thank-you note. If you have not, you will receive a "nag".
The Kingdom of Loathing is a game that has held itself up for over 11 years with mainly donations. However, they have been slowing down and they need your help! This page lists all the ads that are shown above combat. These ads show up at random with a 1/30 chance per combat round. If you have donated in the past 90 days, you will get a thank-you note. If you have not, you will receive a "nag".
Line 28: Line 28:
|closing = XOXO,
|closing = XOXO,
|signature = Jick}}
|signature = Jick}}
===[[Mr. Skullhead]]===
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = As the only member of the Asymmetric staff without any marketable skills, I humbly thank you from the bottom of my heart for your donation, which will help keep me employed and off the streets.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Did you know KoL predates the iPhone, World of Warcraft, and Angry Birds? When we started, the smartest smartphone was the T-mobile Sidekick, with the funky flip-out screen. I was thrilled to have my very first phone with a COLOR screen! How on earth has KoL stayed alive and vibrant for so long? Well, people like you. Awesome people who donate their hard-earned cash to keep the game running. You totally rule. Thank you.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Thank you so much for your donation. We promise we won't spend it all on comic books and bubble gum; we'll use it to keep the servers running and keep ourselves fed and fit to continue to create this awesome game for you.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Look, I know that we're all about the jokes here, but here's some real talk: because of donors like you, the last decade of my life has been spent doing a creatively fulfilling job as part of a great community. So thank you, from the sub-cockular regions of my heart.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Thank you, India. Thank you, terror. Thank you disillusionment. And thank you, KoL player, for your donation. Your hard-earned money will help me go deep into the pop-culture mines and pull up more gems like the song lyrics at the beginning of this message.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = The single most gratifying thing about working for KoL for over a decade is seeing how kind-hearted and generous our community is. While many modern games have to trick you into spending money to buy gems to buy coins to buy upgrades, our players support us without us having to be under-handed or lame. Thanks for helping us stay cool. You're pretty cool yourself, <Playername>.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = 13
|text = Thanks for your donation! In addition to keeping the game running, it will help pay my salary, so I can buy my son some new shoes. That dude always needs new shoes. Like, sometimes you can just sit and ''watch'' his feet grow, y'know? Anyway, thanks again.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Y'know, every once in a while I'm overcome by the strangeness of my adult career. I've spent 11 years supporting myself and my family by writing puns and jokes for an Internet game. Thanks for helping me keep my awesome, weird job.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = It warms my venomous heart that people keep donating to keep this game running after all these years. You don't have to do it, but you do it anyway, and that makes you super-awesome. Thank you.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Thank you very much for your donation. Without you, and people like you, I would probably be an English teacher, making high school students groan with my puns while forcing them to read Shakespeare. But because of Kingdom of Loathing, I can make thousands of people a day groan with my bad puns, and nobody has to read Shakespeare unless they really want to (I'd start with MacBeth and Much Ado About Nothing). So once again, thanks.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = You know what I did last night? I ate dinner. And I was able to buy the groceries for that delicious dinner because of people like you, who continue to donate to keep this game alive. I thank you from the bottom of my ever-expanding gut.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Because of people like you, KoL is 11 years old (or approximately 500 in Internet years) and still going strong. Thanks for making sure this game will be around for our children. But not our children's children, because we don't think kids should be having sex.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}


===[[HotStuff]]===
===[[HotStuff]]===
Line 244: Line 171:
|image = Haiku11
|image = Haiku11
|text = Working on the Kingdom of Loathing reminds me of my time spent during high school classes, writing an artillery simulator for the graphing calculators... it's something I'd love to do for fun. Unfortunately, I also need to feed my family. Fortunately, that's where your donations come in... I can feed my family and make video games! Thank you, you rock!
|text = Working on the Kingdom of Loathing reminds me of my time spent during high school classes, writing an artillery simulator for the graphing calculators... it's something I'd love to do for fun. Unfortunately, I also need to feed my family. Fortunately, that's where your donations come in... I can feed my family and make video games! Thank you, you rock!
|closing =
|signature = -CDMoyer}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Haiku11
|text = <nowiki>for ($i=0; $i<99; $i++) { add_problem(); }<br />if (!in_array($playerid, $problems)) { echo "Thanks for donating! I really appreciate it!"; }</nowiki>
|closing =
|signature = -CDMoyer}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Haiku11
|text = Thanks for supporting the Kingdom! It's because of people like you that I was able to purchase the kindle edition of the entire 10-book Malazan Book of the Fallen. I'm on book 4, and it's pretty darn good. You might want to check it out if you like Wheel of Time or Game of Thrones.
|closing =
|signature = -CDMoyer}}
{{DonorAd
|image = Haiku11
|text = If you've watched the news recently, you know that the east coast of the US has turned into an endless arctic snow-covered wasteland. Because of you, I can pay to heat my home! Thanks a lot!
|closing =  
|closing =  
|signature = -CDMoyer}}
|signature = -CDMoyer}}
Line 251: Line 196:
|image=spamwitch
|image=spamwitch
|name=A Spam Witch
|name=A Spam Witch
|text="You’re Getting Ripped Off If You Don’t Know This One Weird Trick To Keeping KoL Alive And Free: Make A '''<u>Donation</u>''' Today!"}}
|text=You’re Getting Ripped Off If You Don’t Know This One Weird Trick To Keeping KoL Alive And Free: Make A '''<u>Donation</u>''' Today!"}}


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
|image=beelzebozo
|image=beelzebozo
|name=Beelzebozo the Clownlord
|name=Beelzebozo the Clownlord
|text="Hi there, I'm the evil Clownlord Beelzebozo. I may be a horrible abomination, a terrible simulacrum of humanity's worst fears, but even I know that it's important to support the things you love. Please consider making a '''<u>donation</u>''' to support this game's continued existence, and I'll promise to stay out of your closet at night."}}
|text=Hi there, I'm the evil Clownlord Beelzebozo. I may be a horrible abomination, a terrible simulacrum of humanity's worst fears, but even I know that it's important to support the things you love. Please consider making a '''<u>donation</u>''' to support this game's continued existence, and I'll promise to stay out of your closet at night.}}


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
Line 284: Line 229:


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
|image=noart
|image=chiclekid
|name=Chicle Kid
|name=Chicle Kid
|text=¿Quieres chicle? I mean, do you want to make a '''<u>donation</u>''' to keep this game alive and free for all? And after that, do you want to buy some gum?}}
|text=¿Quieres chicle? I mean, do you want to make a '''<u>donation</u>''' to keep this game alive and free for all? And after that, do you want to buy some gum?}}
Line 309: Line 254:


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
|image=ed
|image=ed1
|name=Ed the Undying
|name=Ed the Undying
|text=Being that I am UNDYING, I require no money to sustain me. However, that isn't true of this game, or the people that run it. Please consider '''<u>donating</u>''' to keep the fun alive forever. Or I might send the jackal demons after you. I told you about the jackal demons, right?}}
|text=Being that I am UNDYING, I require no money to sustain me. However, that isn't true of this game, or the people that run it. Please consider '''<u>donating</u>''' to keep the fun alive forever. Or I might send the jackal demons after you. I told you about the jackal demons, right?}}
Line 336: Line 281:
|image=hagnk_1arm
|image=hagnk_1arm
|name=Good Old Hagnk
|name=Good Old Hagnk
|text="Hello, <Playername>! It's me, Hagnk! You and me, we've been through a lot together -- plague, fire, floods, skeletons -- and I really appreciate how you've helped me out all these years. But we face a new problem: drought. Economic drought, that is. Please consider '''<u>donating</u>''' to help keep me -- and the rest of the Kingdom -- safe and alive."}}
|text=Hello, <Playername>! It's me, Hagnk! You and me, we've been through a lot together -- plague, fire, floods, skeletons -- and I really appreciate how you've helped me out all these years. But we face a new problem: drought. Economic drought, that is. Please consider '''<u>donating</u>''' to help keep me -- and the rest of the Kingdom -- safe and alive.}}


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
Line 342: Line 287:
|name=A Gnefarious Gnome
|name=A Gnefarious Gnome
|text=Hey, tall ogne! No matter how much I '''<u>donate</u>''' to this game, I always come up a little short. If you could '''<u>donate</u>''' a few dollars to keep the game rugngning, I’d sure appreciate it!}}
|text=Hey, tall ogne! No matter how much I '''<u>donate</u>''' to this game, I always come up a little short. If you could '''<u>donate</u>''' a few dollars to keep the game rugngning, I’d sure appreciate it!}}
{{NonDonorAd
|image=dk_piechef
|name=A Gnollish Piebaker
|text=Hi, <player name>, it's the Gnollish Piebaker, here. I've got my piece of the pie, but the developers of Kingdom of Loathing are still trying to get theirs. If you '''<u>donate</u>''' to keep the game running, you’ll get a cool prize and they'll be able to afford to buy pies both sweet and savory.}}


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
Line 398: Line 348:
|name=Paco
|name=Paco
|text=Psst! Hey, buddy. Listen, have I got a sweet deal for you. I know a guy, right? Got a big stash of Mr. Accessories that fell off a truck. I know you want one, you know you want one. Just head over to the '''<u>donation</u>''' page, tell 'em I sent you, and just ten bucks gets you one -- special price, just coz we're friends.}}
|text=Psst! Hey, buddy. Listen, have I got a sweet deal for you. I know a guy, right? Got a big stash of Mr. Accessories that fell off a truck. I know you want one, you know you want one. Just head over to the '''<u>donation</u>''' page, tell 'em I sent you, and just ten bucks gets you one -- special price, just coz we're friends.}}
{{NonDonorAd
|image=primp
|name=PR Imp
|text=Hey, <PlayerName>. We’ve got a room in Hey Deze and it’s reserved for you! Nah, just kidding. I just wanted to ask if you’d consider making a '''<u>donation</u>''' to KoL, so the staff can buy the hair-care products, brushes, and combs they need to look fabulous. Oh, and, y’know, food and rent and stuff.}}


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
Line 432: Line 387:
|image=arenamaster
|image=arenamaster
|name=Susie the Arena Mistress
|name=Susie the Arena Mistress
|text="Remember me, <player name>? I'm Susie, the Arena Mistress! You know, a game like this is like a pet -- it needs love and attention, and it always needs food. Like, you can't stop feeding it just because you did that once a long time ago. Please consider donating, so that this game can continue to eat and thrive and love you as much as you love it."}}
|text=Remember me, <player name>? I'm Susie, the Arena Mistress! You know, a game like this is like a pet -- it needs love and attention, and it always needs food. Like, you can't stop feeding it just because you did that once a long time ago. Please consider <u>'''donating'''</u>, so that this game can continue to eat and thrive and love you as much as you love it.}}


{{NonDonorAd
{{NonDonorAd
Line 474: Line 429:
**The "not so easy" rest of HotStuff's encoded message can be decoded as:
**The "not so easy" rest of HotStuff's encoded message can be decoded as:
**:The keyword to this Vigenere enciphered message is "Thanks," as in: Thank you for supporting KoL and for putting up with my occasional puzzles. You're the bomb!
**:The keyword to this Vigenere enciphered message is "Thanks," as in: Thank you for supporting KoL and for putting up with my occasional puzzles. You're the bomb!
*The Chicle Kid's advertisement does not have an image and the Ancient insane monk's advertisement does not have a name.
*The Ancient insane monk's advertisement does not have a name.
 
==History==
===[[Mr. Skullhead]]===
*Prior to his [http://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showthread.php?t=210110 departure], donor ads from [[Mr Skullhead]] appeared as well:
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = As the only member of the Asymmetric staff without any marketable skills, I humbly thank you from the bottom of my heart for your donation, which will help keep me employed and off the streets.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Did you know KoL predates the iPhone, World of Warcraft, and Angry Birds? When we started, the smartest smartphone was the T-mobile Sidekick, with the funky flip-out screen. I was thrilled to have my very first phone with a COLOR screen! How on earth has KoL stayed alive and vibrant for so long? Well, people like you. Awesome people who donate their hard-earned cash to keep the game running. You totally rule. Thank you.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Thank you so much for your donation. We promise we won't spend it all on comic books and bubble gum; we'll use it to keep the servers running and keep ourselves fed and fit to continue to create this awesome game for you.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Look, I know that we're all about the jokes here, but here's some real talk: because of donors like you, the last decade of my life has been spent doing a creatively fulfilling job as part of a great community. So thank you, from the sub-cockular regions of my heart.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Thank you, India. Thank you, terror. Thank you disillusionment. And thank you, KoL player, for your donation. Your hard-earned money will help me go deep into the pop-culture mines and pull up more gems like the song lyrics at the beginning of this message.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = The single most gratifying thing about working for KoL for over a decade is seeing how kind-hearted and generous our community is. While many modern games have to trick you into spending money to buy gems to buy coins to buy upgrades, our players support us without us having to be under-handed or lame. Thanks for helping us stay cool. You're pretty cool yourself, <Playername>.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Thanks for your donation! In addition to keeping the game running, it will help pay my salary, so I can buy my son some new shoes. That dude always needs new shoes. Like, sometimes you can just sit and ''watch'' his feet grow, y'know? Anyway, thanks again.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Y'know, every once in a while I'm overcome by the strangeness of my adult career. I've spent 11 years supporting myself and my family by writing puns and jokes for an Internet game. Thanks for helping me keep my awesome, weird job.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = It warms my venomous heart that people keep donating to keep this game running after all these years. You don't have to do it, but you do it anyway, and that makes you super-awesome. Thank you.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Thank you very much for your donation. Without you, and people like you, I would probably be an English teacher, making high school students groan with my puns while forcing them to read Shakespeare. But because of Kingdom of Loathing, I can make thousands of people a day groan with my bad puns, and nobody has to read Shakespeare unless they really want to (I'd start with MacBeth and Much Ado About Nothing). So once again, thanks.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = You know what I did last night? I ate dinner. And I was able to buy the groceries for that delicious dinner because of people like you, who continue to donate to keep this game alive. I thank you from the bottom of my ever-expanding gut.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = Because of people like you, KoL is 11 years old (or approximately 500 in Internet years) and still going strong. Thanks for making sure this game will be around for our children. But not our children's children, because we don't think kids should be having sex.
|closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
{{DonorAd
|image = Skullhead
|text = The more donations we get from players like you, the more nights in a month I can hire a babysitter and take my special lady out for a night on the town. By which I mean, out to have a single drink, so we can be in bed before 10. Er, what I'm saying is, thanks for continuing to support this game. |closing = SWAK,
|signature = Mr. Skullhead}}
 
*For a few days in August 2014, [http://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showthread.php?t=207997 actual Google Ads ads] appeared in the main pane to players who hadn't donated. [http://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showthread.php?t=208240 These were soon removed], and replaced with the KoL-style ads that appear now.


==References==
==References==
*"Thank you, India. Thank you, terror. Thank you disillusionment." are lines from the song "[[Wikipedia:Thank U|Thank U]]" by [[Wikipedia:Alanis Morissette|Alanis Morissette]].
*"Thank you, India. Thank you, terror. Thank you disillusionment." are lines from the song "[[Wikipedia:Thank U|Thank U]]" by [[Wikipedia:Alanis Morissette|Alanis Morissette]].
*SWAK is the acronym for "sealed with a kiss".
[[Category:Game Messages]]

Latest revision as of 13:56, 25 December 2024

This page is in need of content.

Ad format changed at some point and now lists the current iotm as clickable item
There are some vague or non-exact figures and information on this page. Some spading is required.

How accurate is 90 days? (Rollover to rollover, hour to hour, millisecond to millisecond?)

The Kingdom of Loathing is a game that has held itself up for over 11 years with mainly donations. However, they have been slowing down and they need your help! This page lists all the ads that are shown above combat. These ads show up at random with a 1/30 chance per combat round. If you have donated in the past 90 days, you will get a thank-you note. If you have not, you will receive a "nag".

Donor Ads

Jick

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Every day that I get to work on this game, I am grateful that I get to write dumb jokes and draw stick figures for a living instead of having to get a real job. And that gratitude is directed at you, <Playername>, and to the others like you who support us financially. Thank you.

XOXO,
Jick

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
The next time I drink a beer, I will think about the fact that without the support of generous players like you, I would have to get a real job instead of working on this silly game all day.

Then I will raise my beer up and say "Thanks, <Playername>," and everybody will look at me weird.

XOXO,
Jick

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
At a certain point in every man's life, there comes a time when he either has to eat a sandwich or starve to death. And thanks to the generosity of donors like you, I have the luxury of choosing a sandwich. Thank you for your support.

XOXO,
Jick

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Thank you so much, <Playername>, for being a donator. We wouldn't be able to keep the game running without the generosity of players like you. Like, literally. They would turn off the servers if we didn't pay the bills.

XOXO,
Jick

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
I have almost certainly eaten at least one meal in the last 24 hours, and without the support of generous donators like you, I probably would have had to find it in a garbage can. Thank you for your patronage.

XOXO,
Jick

HotStuff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Every day that I come to work I get to do something different. Yesterday I probably nerfed something you love. Maybe tomorrow I'll make up for that by animating an adorable puppy? Today, though, I am sitting down to express my gratitude to you for being a donator and keeping KoL alive. You're awesome. Thank you!

Love,
Hotstuff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Here at Asymmetric, we're super bad at doing business-y stuff. It's basically a miracle that we've been able to work on KoL as our full time jobs for over a decade now. And it's all due to donators like you! Thank you for allowing us to avoid having to learn lingo like "restructuring" or "divestiture" or "absquatulate".

Love,
Hotstuff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
GUR ERFG VF ABG FB RNFL: ZBR KBDCIED QT ZBVS SNMYAEOJ KHPIMMKLRD JJYMNGB NY "NUAKPY," UF IK: YNUAK VTA ZBR PZVJBRQNTA XOI FTX SOO UANGIKL AJ JIQM SS BCZFYCBNXQ VOMZIJY. SBU'OJ ZBR BLRH!

Love,
Hotstuff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
If you told me when I was a kid that I'd get to make video games as an adult, I think I'd have said, "No, <Playername>, I'm going to be an astronaut and travel to the center of the Sun." Turns out making video games is way more awesome than whatever crazy plan I had -- but it's only been possible because of people like you. Thank you so much for supporting KoL (and for trying to tell young me that my life goals were dumb).

Love,
HotStuff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Getting to work at Asymmetric for the past decade has been indescribably awesome (in part because I'm a terrible writer). I want to thank you so much for donating to keep our band of misfits housed, fed, and internet-connected. You rock!

Love,
HotStuff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Joking aside for a second: I don't know about you, but I've met some of the most important people in my life through KoL. I'd like to take a moment to recognize that in a very real way it is your financial support that helps gives this community a place to call home. Thank you so so much!

Love,
HotStuff

Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Given that I have a degree in graphic design but can't actually draw, if I wasn't writing for Kingdom of Loathing, I would probably be working for some terrible advertising firm. Thank you for donating to KoL so that I can make a living with laughter, instead of crushing souls in the monolithic corporate machine.

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Hi, I'm Riff. I have a reputation as being a real bastard when it comes to puzzles, but since you donated recently, I'm going to let you in on a secret: I actually think the playerbase is super awesome, and I love every one of you. Please try to remember that the next time you fall in lava or have to google the lyrics to a Gwen Stefani song.

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
As someone with barely any marketable skills other than making puzzles and dumb jokes, I live in constant terror of trying to find a new job in this economy. Thank you so, so much for donating to Kingdom of Loathing so that I don't have to go live in a hobo camp.

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Kingdom of Loathing players are the best players, and you, as someone who donates to help keep the game running, are one of the best of the best. You did an awesome thing. You are awesome. Thank you. High-five! BAM!

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
My salary is entirely funded by donations, which means that you were partially responsible for my being able to buy my mom a birthday present just now. So, on behalf of both my mom and myself, thank you. (It was the new Haruki Murakami novel, if you were wondering.)

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Thank you for donating to support this game and the people who work so hard to keep it running. Please take a moment to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for being an excellent person, because you deserve it. Give yourself a high-five as well.

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Hey, <Playername>! Thank you so much for donating recently, it means a great deal to me. As a thank-you, I thought I'd share this cryptic crossword clue that I made up recently, and thought was pretty clever. It's for awesome people like YOU who donate and happen to randomly see this message, so please don't post it to the wiki:

(secret riddle text)

If you solve it, kmail me and I'll send you a prize. (Prize not guaranteed to be valuable.) Even if you don't solve it (it's hard!), or if puzzles aren't your bag, know that I think you are a beautiful person.

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
It's not easy for me to drop my usual snarky joke-writing voice to say something sincere, but I want you to know that your donation to help keep Kingdom of Loathing running means a lot to me. Thank you very much, <Playername>. Also: butts.

<3<3<3,
Riff

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Q: Who has two thumbs, donated to Kingdom of Loathing, and is an awesome and beautiful person?

A: You, <Playername>! (I am assuming you have two thumbs. If not, I am very sorry.)

<3<3<3,
Riff

CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Two of my favorite things are programming computers and playing video games. Thanks to you, I get to spend time doing both, at the same time! Sweet!


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Hey, you, <Playername>. Thanks for donating to the Kingdom! It's your support that keeps us going. Literally. I might have used some of your dollars to pay for the coffee I just drank.


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Little kids, like little CDM, often think that the world of programming is awesome. Video games, special effects, interactive AI! In the real world, most programmers are working on some app to synergize the core business at their faceless corporation or a spreadsheet. Meanwhile, your donations let me escape that and work on a video game. And I'm super grateful! Thank you!


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
If I had a dollar for every video game I typed into my TI-99/4A from Compute or Byte magazine... it wouldn't pay any of my bills. But, typing programs into this computer does pay my bills, because people are awesome, like you. Thanks!


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Apparently, you aren't allowed to go to elementary school without any pants on. Luckily, both of my children have pants. Your donations are what keep the Kingdom of Loathing running, and help clothe my children. Thanks a lot!


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Dude, (and I mean, the generic term of endearment from the 80s, not the modern dude-bro, or any sort of exclusively-male dude) thank you for supporting KoL. Working on a game with such an awesome community that votes for us with their dollars, is awesome. Thanks a lot! Rock on! Dude!


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Ten year old CDMoyer would have been super psyched to discover that 30-something CDMoyer spent his time making video games. So, 10-year-old and 30-something CDMoyer both thank you for your donations.


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Working on the Kingdom of Loathing reminds me of my time spent during high school classes, writing an artillery simulator for the graphing calculators... it's something I'd love to do for fun. Unfortunately, I also need to feed my family. Fortunately, that's where your donations come in... I can feed my family and make video games! Thank you, you rock!


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
for ($i=0; $i<99; $i++) { add_problem(); }<br />if (!in_array($playerid, $problems)) { echo "Thanks for donating! I really appreciate it!"; }


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Thanks for supporting the Kingdom! It's because of people like you that I was able to purchase the kindle edition of the entire 10-book Malazan Book of the Fallen. I'm on book 4, and it's pretty darn good. You might want to check it out if you like Wheel of Time or Game of Thrones.


-CDMoyer

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
If you've watched the news recently, you know that the east coast of the US has turned into an endless arctic snow-covered wasteland. Because of you, I can pay to heat my home! Thanks a lot!


-CDMoyer

Non-donor Ads

Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Spam Witch
"You’re Getting Ripped Off If You Don’t Know This One Weird Trick To Keeping KoL Alive And Free: Make A Donation Today!""
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Beelzebozo the Clownlord
"Hi there, I'm the evil Clownlord Beelzebozo. I may be a horrible abomination, a terrible simulacrum of humanity's worst fears, but even I know that it's important to support the things you love. Please consider making a donation to support this game's continued existence, and I'll promise to stay out of your closet at night."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
 
"Though this game is free
running it is not-so-free.
Make a donation?"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Big Skeleton
"Uh, hi there, <Playername>. Would you...well, this is awkward. I was going to ask for a donation, but I don’t have the guts."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A BL Imp
"I never stop eating, ever, and neither does this game -- the players eat bandwidth, the servers eat electricity, and the guys that write the code and jokes eat regular food. Please consider donating to that nobody has to go hungry."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Boris
"Hail, bold adventurer! I see thou hast played <total turns played> adventures in the Kingdom. As a fellow warrior, I salute thee! And I also remind thee that a true warrior with extra cash to spare will donate to help keep the game running!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
The Captain of the Gourd
"Urk! Glurk! Adventurer! You must... eep... help me! Help me... glerk...help me protect the g- g- g- erk game! Spider webs and tin can lids won't... urk... keep the game running! We need actual... gack... money! Please donate, and save us all! Eep!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Chicle Kid
"¿Quieres chicle? I mean, do you want to make a donation to keep this game alive and free for all? And after that, do you want to buy some gum?"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Cocktail
"I'm an alcoholic beverage. For the price of a couple of me, or three fancy coffees, you could donate to keep the game running, and get a free gift, as well as the heartwarming satisfaction of helping out a game you love. That's way better than a hangover."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
The Council of Loathing
"Greetings, <Playername>. We have a new quest for you. Okay, not really a quest. Let's call it a request. Please head over to the donation page and consider donating to the Kingdom's coffers, so that we don't have to shut down the entire operation and live in a hole in the ground. We'll make sure you are generously rewarded for your efforts. Thank you."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
The Drab Bard
"Greetings, <Playername>, it’s the Drab Bard here. I was going to offer to play you a song if you donate to keep the game running, but everyone told me not to. So if you donate, once I figure out the donation’s Estimated Time of Arrival I’ll give you a donate ETA nod."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Drunk Goat
"Hey, you! Yeah, you with the *hic* face! I jusht wanted you to know that I love you, and you’re my besht friend. Wait, no, I mean, I wanted to shay that if you’ve got the cash and incli-*hic* inclinat-*hic* inclination, you should donate to help KoL stay alive and free."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Ed the Undying
"Being that I am UNDYING, I require no money to sustain me. However, that isn't true of this game, or the people that run it. Please consider donating to keep the fun alive forever. Or I might send the jackal demons after you. I told you about the jackal demons, right?"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Filthy Hippy
"As a filthy hippy, I believe in free love, the free exchange of ideas, and the elimination of free radicals in my diet. I think it’s totally groovy that KoL is free to play. But, y’know, I’m also vaguely aware that you can’t barter for server space and people’s salaries. In the spirit of our communal oneness, would you consider donating to keep the game running? It’s good karma!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
The Florist Friar
"<Playername>, as a florist friar, I’ve taken a vow of poverty. But the developers of KoL have taken a vow of reasonable middle-class income, and to that end, they rely on donations from players like you to keep them in their mid-level sedans and modest homes. If you haven’t taken a vow of poverty, would you consider making a donation?"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Frat Orc
"Hey, <Playername>, my dad’s totally late with his donation to KoL. What a fascist, right? Can you help keep this awesome game running by making a donation in his place? You can totally come to our ragin’ kegger if you do."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Frat Orc Griller
"You know how they say that the best things in life are free, bra? Well, I've got a beer in one hand and a bratwurst in the other that says that sometimes that isn't true. This video game is free, but by donating less than the cost of a beer and a bratwurst you can do your part to help us keep the grills lit and the beer flowing. Plus you get some hella cool stuff if you do, bra."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Good Old Hagnk
"Hello, <Playername>! It's me, Hagnk! You and me, we've been through a lot together -- plague, fire, floods, skeletons -- and I really appreciate how you've helped me out all these years. But we face a new problem: drought. Economic drought, that is. Please consider donating to help keep me -- and the rest of the Kingdom -- safe and alive."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Gnefarious Gnome
"Hey, tall ogne! No matter how much I donate to this game, I always come up a little short. If you could donate a few dollars to keep the game rugngning, I’d sure appreciate it!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Gnollish Piebaker
"Hi, <player name>, it's the Gnollish Piebaker, here. I've got my piece of the pie, but the developers of Kingdom of Loathing are still trying to get theirs. If you donate to keep the game running, you’ll get a cool prize and they'll be able to afford to buy pies both sweet and savory."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Grandpa Sea Monkee
"Hey! Kid! It's me, Grandpa Sea Monkee! Now listen up, this is important. See, back in my day, entertainment was cheap! You just walk yerself down to the newsstand or drugstore and pick yourself up a comic-book for one thin dime -- or, if you're cheap, you could just stand there and read it for free, but Old Man Carruthers -- he was the guy ran the drug store -- he'd prob'ly shout at you about how it weren't no lending library. Course we'd say we knew that already, coz our local library didn't carry no comic-books, heck they didn't even get magazines until thirty-six, and that were just a subscription to 'Reefs & Gardens'. Anyway our library would never of carried the comic-books I liked, like 'CRIME SQUAD' and 'True Tales of Murder Justice', what with the blood and violence in 'em. Worse things in them comics than you get on television these days, let me tell you. Loved 'em. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, money. See entertainment used ta be cheap, but not anymore it ain't! Money, money, money, that's all that anything is about these days, and everything costs ten times more than it's got any right to. You may think this game is free, but nossir! Not to them folks what run the thing and make the numbers go up and write the jokes and what not. Don't care for them jokes myself, don't see the need for all these pop-cultural references and whattayacallems, 'post-modernisms' and 'metahumors' all talking directly to the reader, why back in my day we were perfectly satisfied with a good knock-knock joke, but no, everything these days has to be modern and whatnot. Seems a shame to me, you just don't get good jokes like we saw Fatty Barnes tell in the vaudeville hall back when I was young. Anyway, what I'm saying is, this game is expensive, and it's yer civic duty to go to the donations page and contribute what you owe to them folks what run this thing. You don't get the dollar ride for a nickle, that's what my pappy told me, and what his pappy told him. My great grandpappy was an oyster and couldn't talk, so that's as far back as that goes, but you can bet yer britches that he would have, if he could've talked, or had a brain that could process complicated thoughts like that. Wait a minute... where the hell am I? Who are you?"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Greasy Burger
"Arrrgh! I'm a huge, greasy, overpriced cheeseburger! I'm terrible for your heart! If you donate the money you would have spent on me to support this game instead, that will be much better for your heart — both in the literal 'cholesterol' sense, and the figurative 'helping people feels good' sense."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Hobo
"Hey buddy, spare a dime? Or a dollar? Maybe ten dollars? Listen, it ain't for me, it's for the developers. They work hard on this game, and they need money to keep from going broke and ending up on the street. Like me. Please check out the donation page and help out if you can"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Knob Goblin Bean Counter
"Hey, look, I've been going over the accounts, and I'm gonna give it to ya straight: this game needs money. Not meat or beans, actual money, and it always needs more, because development and server costs never stop... costing. So, please consider donating to help keep us from going bankrupt."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Lazy Hippy
"Like, I totally don't wanna participate in the whole capitalist... system, man, but even I understand that it costs money to make art. You know, like phatty glass bead necklaces and psychedelic van paintings and satirical video games, man. So, like, it's totally good karma if you donate, man."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Lion
"You know, <Playername>, if I said that we didn’t rely on your donations to keep the game running, I’d be LION!. Well, I mean, I am a lion, so…I guess I didn’t think this through. But you should make a donation so we can keep writing hilarious stuff like this!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Little Gerald, the Pygmy Witch Accountant
"Hey there, Adventurer. According to my records, you've spent <X (the one in which he is encountered does not count> Adventures playing this video game. You must like it a lot, huh? Well, if you do, please consider donating. Trust me. I'm an accountant."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Many Zombies
"Graaaaagh! We are zombies! Many zombies! Many zombie mouths to feed! Braaaaaiiiinnss! Braaaaiiinnns are expensive! Please consider donating to the game so that we can eat! Graaaaaagh!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Mob Penguin Goon
"Hey, buddy. This is a pretty nice game you're playing here, huh? Be a shame if anything were to... happen to it, don't you think? Listen, lemme make you an offer you can't refuse: make a charitable donation, and we'll give you a nice present as thanks. Plus, this game gets to keep its kneecaps. Everybody wins. Capisce?"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Mr. Shopkeeper
"Hi there! I'm Mr. Shopkeeper! I just wanted to make sure you knew that, if you go to the donations page and donate ten dollars, I'll give you a shiny facsimile of my head! You can use it to buy awesome new familiars and equipment, with new choices available every month! Also, I'll be able to keep my family from starving"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Paco
"Psst! Hey, buddy. Listen, have I got a sweet deal for you. I know a guy, right? Got a big stash of Mr. Accessories that fell off a truck. I know you want one, you know you want one. Just head over to the donation page, tell 'em I sent you, and just ten bucks gets you one -- special price, just coz we're friends."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
PR Imp
"Hey, <PlayerName>. We’ve got a room in Hey Deze and it’s reserved for you! Nah, just kidding. I just wanted to ask if you’d consider making a donation to KoL, so the staff can buy the hair-care products, brushes, and combs they need to look fabulous. Oh, and, y’know, food and rent and stuff."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
The Servers
"Hi there. I'm the Kingdom of Loathing's server. I require constant money to stay alive and keep the spiders off me, and that is also true of the guys who fill me up with jokes. Please consider donating to keep me running -- I'll make it worth your while, I promise. Oh god, the spiders."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
The Shareware Hag
"Hello there, my pretty. I'm the shareware hag, and it's time for a shareware nag! Remember shareware nags? If you ask me, they were the best part of the 1990s. But if you ask me, chidren[sic] are delicious, so maybe you shouldn't ask me. Instead, please consider supporting the development of this video game by donating."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Skeleton
"Hi there. I'm a skeleton. Here at Kingdom of Loathing, we know how much you like killing a skeleton and getting a sweet sword, and we want to continue to provide that service. But skeletons cost money, so please consider donating so the game will never run out of guys like me for you to kick around."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
a Skullbat
"Hi, <Playername>, it’s the skullbat here. While I’m winging my way across the batcave, I ponder two things: 1) how a benevolent god could allow me to exist, and 2) how KoL stays free and alive because of donations from its players. You can’t help with that first one, but if you could make a donation, that’d be swell."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Sneaky Pete
"Yo, <Playername>, Sneaky Pete here to tell you that smoking isn’t cool. And doing drugs isn’t cool. And worrying about being cool all the time isn’t cool. You know what is cool, though? Making a donation to keep KoL running. That’s seriously cool."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Susie the Arena Mistress
"Hi, <player name>, Suzi the Arena Mistress here. I know a thing or two about hungry mouths to feed: just you try finding enough raw, bloody protein to get a Grue up to 20 pounds! And as an expert on the subject, I must remind you that the KoL staff have mouths to feed, at least one apiece. So if you could make a donation to keep the game running, they’d definitely appreciate it!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Susie the Arena Mistress
"Remember me, <player name>? I'm Susie, the Arena Mistress! You know, a game like this is like a pet -- it needs love and attention, and it always needs food. Like, you can't stop feeding it just because you did that once a long time ago. Please consider donating, so that this game can continue to eat and thrive and love you as much as you love it."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
a Swarthy Pirate
"Avast, ye bilge-rat! This be the Swarthy Pirate here, with a serious message for ye: KoL be free to play, but she don’t be free to make, if ye see how my sails be set. If ye have some spare pieces of eight, cursed Aztec gold, or a bank account linked to yer PayPal account like a captain lashed to his wheel, please consider donating to keep the game running."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Thinima the Knob Goblin Harem Girl
"Hey there, non-gender-specific-flirtatious-nickname, Thinima the Knob Goblin Harem Girl here. I live rent-free in Cobb's Knob, but the developers of Kingdom of Loathing aren't so lucky. Would you consider donating to offset their expenses? Granted, they also don't have to eal with foul-tempered harem guards. It's a trade-off."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
the Urge to Stare at your Hands
"Hi, <Playername>, I’m the Urge to Stare at your Hands, one of the weirdest monsters you’ll fight in the Kingdom. Pick up an astral mushroom or two in the mall and we’ll meet. I just wanted to remind you that KoL needs donations from players like you to stay alive and free! So if you’ve got cash on hand...dude...have you ever noticed how your hands are, like, infinite?"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Veteran of the Cola Wars
"As a soldier, I know that freedom isn't free. But as a character in this video game, I know that this video game is free. It does still cost money to run it and develop content for it, though, so please consider donating."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
Weird Floating Peter Cushing Head
"Hello there. I am the weird floating head of Peter Cushing, with whom you might be familiar due to my resemblance to the actual person Peter Cushing, who played Grand Moff Tarkin in the Star Wars movies. I can't speak for Real Peter Cushing, but if you enjoy this game, it is my opinion that you should have a look at the donations page and consider supporting its continued development and survival. Thank you, and have a nice day."
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
The Whole Kingdom
"Hi there. I'm the Kingdom of Loathing. Yes, the entire actual Kingdom, speaking to you, <Playername>, right now. I know you enjoy me, and I love having you around, but the constant development, additions, updates, and events require constant donations to keep me going. Please consider donating to help keep me -- and the staff -- alive. And stop littering!"
Please consider supporting the Kingdom!
A Wild Seahorse
"Hi, <Playername>, Wild Seahorse here. Now, I’m never going to let anyone tie me down, but most of the folks who develop this game have families, mortgages, mouths to feed (at least one per person), that kind of thing. It’d really be helpful if you could make a donation to help keep the lights on."

Notes

  • After decoding HotStuff's encoded message with ROT-13 it reads:
    THE REST IS NOT SO EASY: MOE XOQPVRQ DG MOIF FAZLNRBW XUCVZZXYEQ WWLZATO AL "AHNXCL," HS VX: LAHNX IGN MOE CMIWOEDAGN KBV SGK FBB HNATVXY NW WVDZ FF OPMSLPOAKD IBZMVWL. FOH'BW MOE OYEU!
    • The "not so easy" rest of HotStuff's encoded message can be decoded as:
      The keyword to this Vigenere enciphered message is "Thanks," as in: Thank you for supporting KoL and for putting up with my occasional puzzles. You're the bomb!
  • The Ancient insane monk's advertisement does not have a name.

History

Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
As the only member of the Asymmetric staff without any marketable skills, I humbly thank you from the bottom of my heart for your donation, which will help keep me employed and off the streets.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Did you know KoL predates the iPhone, World of Warcraft, and Angry Birds? When we started, the smartest smartphone was the T-mobile Sidekick, with the funky flip-out screen. I was thrilled to have my very first phone with a COLOR screen! How on earth has KoL stayed alive and vibrant for so long? Well, people like you. Awesome people who donate their hard-earned cash to keep the game running. You totally rule. Thank you.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Thank you so much for your donation. We promise we won't spend it all on comic books and bubble gum; we'll use it to keep the servers running and keep ourselves fed and fit to continue to create this awesome game for you.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Look, I know that we're all about the jokes here, but here's some real talk: because of donors like you, the last decade of my life has been spent doing a creatively fulfilling job as part of a great community. So thank you, from the sub-cockular regions of my heart.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Thank you, India. Thank you, terror. Thank you disillusionment. And thank you, KoL player, for your donation. Your hard-earned money will help me go deep into the pop-culture mines and pull up more gems like the song lyrics at the beginning of this message.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
The single most gratifying thing about working for KoL for over a decade is seeing how kind-hearted and generous our community is. While many modern games have to trick you into spending money to buy gems to buy coins to buy upgrades, our players support us without us having to be under-handed or lame. Thanks for helping us stay cool. You're pretty cool yourself, <Playername>.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Thanks for your donation! In addition to keeping the game running, it will help pay my salary, so I can buy my son some new shoes. That dude always needs new shoes. Like, sometimes you can just sit and watch his feet grow, y'know? Anyway, thanks again.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Y'know, every once in a while I'm overcome by the strangeness of my adult career. I've spent 11 years supporting myself and my family by writing puns and jokes for an Internet game. Thanks for helping me keep my awesome, weird job.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
It warms my venomous heart that people keep donating to keep this game running after all these years. You don't have to do it, but you do it anyway, and that makes you super-awesome. Thank you.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Thank you very much for your donation. Without you, and people like you, I would probably be an English teacher, making high school students groan with my puns while forcing them to read Shakespeare. But because of Kingdom of Loathing, I can make thousands of people a day groan with my bad puns, and nobody has to read Shakespeare unless they really want to (I'd start with MacBeth and Much Ado About Nothing). So once again, thanks.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
You know what I did last night? I ate dinner. And I was able to buy the groceries for that delicious dinner because of people like you, who continue to donate to keep this game alive. I thank you from the bottom of my ever-expanding gut.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
Because of people like you, KoL is 11 years old (or approximately 500 in Internet years) and still going strong. Thanks for making sure this game will be around for our children. But not our children's children, because we don't think kids should be having sex.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

Thanks for supporting the Kingdom!
The more donations we get from players like you, the more nights in a month I can hire a babysitter and take my special lady out for a night on the town. By which I mean, out to have a single drink, so we can be in bed before 10. Er, what I'm saying is, thanks for continuing to support this game.

SWAK,
Mr. Skullhead

References

  • "Thank you, India. Thank you, terror. Thank you disillusionment." are lines from the song "Thank U" by Alanis Morissette.
  • SWAK is the acronym for "sealed with a kiss".
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