Mysterious Island Arena

in neither Frat War Fatigues or War Hippy Fatigues You wander up to the amphitheater, mentally picturing yourself pouring your heart out in front of millions of screaming fans (but don't worry, we won't tell anyone). You see two guys scuffling in front of the bulletin board where upcoming acts can post their flyers. One has carefully disheveled hair, a polo shirt with a popped collar, and a general air of smug superiority. The other is dressed like your basic trust fund hippy -- really expensive clothes designed to look like you just dug them out of a trash can. Both men are frantically papering over each other's posters as fast as they can.

"Uh, what's the problem here, guys?" you ask.

They both turn and say "hey, could you help me --" in unison, but then they both look disappointed. "Never mind," the hippy says. "I thought you might want to help promote an awesome, organic, cruelty-free jam band."

"Whatever," Mr. Popped-Collar replies. "I thought you might want to promote a sensitive, screaming, weepy band that makes chicks think you're all deep and emotional when you sing along. But you don't look like you're into that."

"Yeah," the hippy says. "You don't look like you're into twelve-minute guitar solos, either. I guess we'll have to wait until someone comes along who is more sure of who they are."

"You mean," you say, "someone who is so sure of who they are that they've completely adopted a group identity?"

"Something like that," they both say, and turn back to their poster war.

in Frat War Fatigues, first visit

You wander up to the amphitheater, mentally picturing yourself pouring your heart out in front of millions of screaming fans (but don't worry, we won't tell anyone). You see two guys scuffling in front of the bulletin board where upcoming acts can post their flyers. One has carefully disheveled hair, a polo shirt with a popped collar, and a general air of smug superiority. The other is dressed like your basic trust fund hippie -- really expensive clothes designed to look like you just dug them out of a trash can. Both men are frantically papering over each other's posters as fast as they can. As you watch, they finally drop their posters and start grappling and sissy-slapping each other.

"Uh, what's the problem here, guys?" you ask.

Trendy McPopped-Collar stops kicking the hippy in the ribs and glances over at you. When he sees how you're dressed, he says "hey, I'm trying to promote a really sensitive, but totally angsty, concert by Loathing's best screaming-crying band, Radioactive Child."

"I've never heard of them," you say.

"Surely you've heard their hit single, 'If You Want to Tell People the Truth, Make Them Laugh, Otherwise They'll Kill You (Royale With Cheese)?'"

"Uh, no... what's it about?"

"It's about when the lead singer's girlfriend left him for another guy. But to show they're clever and hip, screaming-crying bands use famous quotes and pop culture references for their song titles, and make sure that the title never has anything to do with the song."

"Wow, that certainly isn't the dumbest thing I've ever heard," you say, while meaning the opposite. I mean, everyone knows there's no future in pop culture references.

"Anyway, it would really help me out if you could take this stack of flyers and put 'em up all over the Kingdom. You could even just stick them right on the enemies you fight! I'm sure they won't mind. Help me out, and you'll be rewarded with the greatest gift the world can offer you."

"Massive piles of loot?"

"Really getting to know the soul of a sensitive, tortured young vocalist."

"Why is he so tortured?" you ask.

"Well, he's the lead singer of a rock band, but he was born with only half a tongue and no nostrils."

"Wow."

You acquire an item: rock band flyers

Subsequent visits:'

You wander by the amphitheater to see how things are going and see a crazy hobo sitting behind a keyboard. He's singing some nonsense song about vampire birds and banging on three chords, to the accompaniment of the keyboard's "Demo 3" setting. You try not to look directly at him and look around for the concert promoter. You see him sitting nearby, looking at the hobo and holding his head in his hands. Uh, his *own* head, that is. Not the hobo's.

"I thought you were going to promote this show, bra," he says. "You see that guy over there? Unless we can get some financial backing for the show, he's the opening act. And to get financial backing, we need buzz, bra! Go out there and get the word out, or I'll frat-paddle you myself."

in War Hippy Fatigues

You can't fight through the frat boys to get to the Arena.