Eat Something

What's Bread?

You walk up to the counter at the Heavenly Golden Arches. You're not particularly hungry, but, then again you're not particularly anything. But you figure noshing on some food of the gods might be fun to pass the time.

"Welcome to the Heavenly Golden Arches. Have a celestial day!" The shade behind the counter says. For some reason, even though he's a noncorporeal idealized form, he still has a smattering of acne. Looks like that's a truly universal constant. "Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I'll have a nice, juicy Beelzeburger," you say.

"Beelzeburger?!" The counter jockey's voice squeaks. You didn't realize souls could go through puberty, but why not. "We don't have anything like that, sir. How about a tasty white bread sandwich on white bread?"

"What's 'bread?'"

"It's like toast, only without the toasting part. It's wonderfully soft and squishy."

"Okay, I'll take one."

The counter jockey hands you a stack of three pieces of white bread. You chew on it for a while. It tastes a lot like a sugar-free marshmallow, or a very clean white tube sock.

You gain Adventures.

Cleansing Smoothie

You walk up to the counter at the Heavenly Golden Arches. You're not particularly hungry, but, then again you're not particularly anything. But you figure noshing on some food of the gods might be fun to pass the time.

"Welcome to the Heavenly Golden Arches. Have a celestial day!" The shade behind the counter says. For some reason, even though he's a noncorporeal idealized form, he still has a smattering of acne. Looks like that's a truly universal constant. "Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I want something for dessert. How about a triple-thick bugbear-flavored shake?"

"Sir," the clerk says, adopting an air of self-righteous pedantry, "food like that only clogs the soul with impurities. We serve desserts that are designed to cleanse the celestial body. Here, have a wheatgrass, oat bran, and prune smoothie."

You alternatively slurp, sip, and chew the thick frozen beverage. It tastes like bugbear food, but afterwards you feel cleansed.

Well, slightly afterwards, and after a lot of doubling over in non-corporeal, metaphysical agony.

You gain Adventures.

Crunchy Air

You walk up to the counter at the Heavenly Golden Arches. You're not particularly hungry, but, then again you're not particularly anything. But you figure noshing on some food of the gods might be fun to pass the time.

"Welcome to the Heavenly Golden Arches. Have a celestial day!" The shade behind the counter says. For some reason, even though he's a noncorporeal idealized form, he still has a smattering of acne. Looks like that's a truly universal constant. "Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I'll take a Lord-of-the-Flies Sized Fries, please."

"Sir," the shade says, taking on an air of geeky smugness usually associated with comic book shops, "that is infernal food. We only serve celestial food here. Have some diet, flavor-light, organic rice cakes!"

He hands them over and you commence to munching. Through a mouth full of dry tastelessness, you say "Hey, this tastes like... like... crunchy air."

"I know!" The clerk says. "Aren't they heavenly?"

"Whatever."

You gain Adventures.

Got Water?

You walk up to the counter at the Heavenly Golden Arches. You're not particularly hungry, but, then again you're not particularly anything. But you figure noshing on some food of the gods might be fun to pass the time.

"Welcome to the Heavenly Golden Arches. Have a celestial day!" the shade behind the counter says. For some reason, even though he's a noncorporeal idealized form, he still has a smattering of acne. Looks like that's a truly universal constant. "Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I'll take a Jumbo Dr. Lucifer, please."

"L-l-lucifer!?" The clerk's voice squeaks. I guess immortal, eternal beings can still go through puberty. "We don't have anything like that, sir. Why not try the beverage of the celestial eternals? It's Caffeine-Free, Diet, Low-Carb, All-Natural Mountain Stream Soda."

"Oh yeah! I used to love Mountain Stream! I'll take one," you say. The clerk hands you a cup full of a clear liquid.

"Hey! This is just a cup of water!" You shout.

"Oh, yes. Fresh from a mountain stream. Enjoy!"

You drink it anyway. Even non-corporeal divine beings should hydrate.

You gain Adventures.

---

Occurs Beyond the Pale.

References

• All of these adventures are a riff on health food fanatics.
• The "Got Water" adventure refers to the popular "Got Milk?" advertising campaign.
• The Heavenly Golden Arches refers to the McDonald's logo. It also refers to the Evil Golden Arches; some of the adventures name foods you can get from the Evil Golden Arches.
• The cleansing the body adventure may be a reference to the SoBe brand of drinks.
• If you had noticed the descriptions and messages from eating Evil Golden Arches food, you will notice that they have some sort of hell-istic or infernal part to them. And because you are in HEAVEN, you can't have infernal food, just the healthier celestial food.