Essence of Tofu

Essence of Tofu
Monster ID	966
Locations	The Electric Lemonade Acid Parade‎
Hit Points	60
Attack	20
Defense	27
Initiative	80
Meat	None
Phylum	elemental
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	cube
Drops	essential tofu
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting the Essence of Tofu

In the beginning was the Curd. And the curd was formless, and flavorless, and it hovered over the waters. And the Curd became a substitute for flesh, and dwelt among us, and it was eaten by those who would not eat another living thing. And the Curd took on the flavor of all that was cooked near it.

What you face now is the tofu's true nature, of which the tofu that you know is the palest of imitations. Its blandness is so complete, so ideal, that it could probably blow your tongue out the top of your head.

Hit Message(s):

not known

Critical Hit Message:

It forms itself into the Platonic ideal of a tofurkey, complete with dairy-free gravy, gelatin-free cranberries and gluten-free dinner rolls. Your brain simply can't contain all of the beauty, or all of the hippy. Argh!

Miss Message(s):

It increases your estrogen production. Your eyelashes get thicker and more luxurious.

It floats toward you, but you edge backwards.

It tries to bonk you with one of its cubes, but you duck under. Looks like your To Fu is stronger than its.

It floats off to find the platonic ideal of soy sauce, with which to flavor itself.

It tries to crush you between its cubes, but they're too gelatinous to do any damage.

Fumble Message:

It floats off to find the platonic ideal of soy sauce, with which to flavor itself. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You acquire an item: essential tofu

References

• The description alludes to several biblical verses, most notably Genesis 1:2 and John 1:14.

• The miss message about estrogen production refers to soy containing naturally occurring estrogen-like compounds called phytoestrogens, and their exaggerated effect on the human body.