Principal Mooney

Principal Mooney
Monster ID	1425
Locations	The Naughty Sorceress' Tower
Hit Points	1000
Attack	220
Defense	210
Initiative	∞
Meat	unknown
Phylum	dude
Elements	None
Resistance	?
Monster Parts	arm, head, leg, torso
Drops	Thwaitgold bookworm statuette
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting Principal Mooney

You stride into the sorceress's chambers. She has her back to you and she's silhouetted in the moonlight. All you can see is long black hair, a bodice, and a long black skirt. "The time has come for you to face your destruction, foul sorceress!" You shout. "For too long you have plagued this land!" Slowly, the sorceress turns around.

"So, you're the beautiful but evil sorceress everyone talks about? I mean, I may not be a prize myself, but the orange mustache is a little much," you say, taken aback.

The sorceress pulls off her black wig to reveal short-cropped ginger hair. She glares at you. "Les jeux sont faints. Translation: the game is up. Your ass is mine," she says.

"You're...you're not a naughty sorceress at all! You're--"

"That's right! It's me, Principal Mooney! I've been watching you all through your high school career. You have an attitude problem. You think the rules don't apply to you. You fight with your teachers, students, and inanimate objects instead of learning."

"Hey, I went to class every day! I did my time!" you shout.

"The school board's not pleased with the way whippersnappers like you rule my school," Principal Mooney replies, "and I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind!"

"Leave your what out in the who?" you ask.

"I mean, I'm going to erase the problem by erasing you," he responds. "Your permanent record's looking a little more temporary these days."

"I have to fight you? Man. Could you do me a favor? Could you at least take off the bodice and the skirt?"

"No, and if you ask why, I'm giving you double detention," he responds.

"Okay, fine. You know, Principal Mooney, your life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, I'm going to end it!"

Hit Message(s):

He raps your knuckles with a ruler. Who would have thought a foot could hurt your hand so much?Ooh! Argh! Ow! Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

not known

Miss Message(s):

not known

Fumble Message:

not known

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After Combat

Principal Mooney falls to the ground. "NOOO!" he shouts. "I can't let you win! The example you set is a first-class ticket to nowhere!"

"You were supposed to be my princi-pal," you reply, "but this single-minded pursuit of a student who already graduated proves that you're not capable of doing your job! I have to take you out," you continue, pulling a pair of sunglasses out and putting them on, "it's a matter of--principle."

At which point the soundtrack tries to be all, "Don't you forget about me," and "YEAAAAAAAAAH" at the same time, and the combination of sounds makes poor Principal Mooney's head explode. But hey, if it's too loud, he's too old.

You know, you learned something today. Deep down, we're all a dweebo, a wastoid, a sporto, and a motorhead. And even deeper down, it's all blood and guts and stuff.

You acquire an item: Thwaitgold bookworm statuette

---

Occurs at The Sorceress's Chamber, if you are in the KOLHS path.

References

• "Don't You (Forget About Me)" is a song by Simple Minds, and the closing theme to 1985 highschool comedy-drama The Breakfast Club.
• "YEAAAAAAAAAH" is a reference to the Puts On Sunglasses meme, and comes from the song Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who.
• The image filename of Chalmers.gif is a reference to Superintendent Chalmers of The Simpsons.