Spam Witch

She shows you a picture of her pet goat. "This is my goat, see?" she says. Dear god, the horror. Ugh! Ugh! Oof! Ouch! Ugh! (bad spelling damage)

She offers you a million meat (which she embezzled from the Council of Loathing) if you'll hit yourself in the head. You do. Ugh! Eek! Argh! Ugh! (bad spelling damage)

She decides to forgo the scamming and just poke you in the <ear> with her pointy hat. Ow! Ugh! Ow! Argh!

She turns you into a newt! You get better, but it's pretty painful. Ugh! Ugh! Oof! Ouch!

She scratches you with her nails while screeching "the chief fuciks the secretaryhave!" You don't know what that means, but you do know her voice hurts your ears, and her fingernails are really, really sharp. Ouch! Eek! Ow! Oof!

She tries to cloud your mind with interesting pictures, but you avert your eyes.

She tries to give you a virus, but you keep your distance.

She tries to poke you with her pointy hat, but fails.

She turns you into a newt, then offers you a career in newt pr0n. You turn her down, and quickly get better.

She once again tries to mesmerize you with her charms, but suddenly a great wall of fire springs up between the two of you. "Goodness, gracious!" you say. You don't know where the fire wall came from, but it seems to stop her cold.

You gain 24−38 Meat (average: 30.3, stdev: 2.9)*

You acquire an item: 30669 scroll (32.0% chance)*

You acquire an item: Spam Witch sammich (51.4% chance)*

You gain 17 <substat>.

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Occurs at The Valley Beyond the Orc Chasm.

References

• "This is my goat, see?" is a reference to the Internet shock site goatse.cx.
• The comment about turning you into a newt (and subsequently getting better) is a direct usage of dialogue from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. During a witch persecution, a peasant claims that the woman turned him into a newt. When the other peasants look at him with confusion, he replies "I got better."
• The fumble text is a pun on a firewall, which is a computer security measure that prevents unauthorized and unwanted access to a computer system, hence the wall of fire preventing the Spam Witch from attacking you. Your saying "Goodness gracious!" also makes it a play on the classic 1950s rock song "Great Balls of Fire", which features the lyrics "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!"