The Council of Loathing/Zombie Slayer

This page is in need of content. Text for various quests

In the Zombie Slayer special challenge path, The Council of Loathing have bunkered down in their panic room, waiting for someone to put a stop to the zombie apocalypse.

Initial text:

You enter the Council building, and are unsurprised to find the meeting room empty -- and a little disappointed, because the sight of a bunch of zombies sitting at the Council table would have been pretty amusing.

Since most of the building is off-limits to the public under more normal circumstances, you take the opportunity to explore a bit. It turns out you weren't really missing anything, unless you're a big fan of offices and file rooms.

Then, down in the basement, you discover a heavy iron door. Light shines from underneath it, and you hear a faint mutter of voices. Could this be the Council's panic room?

You bang on the door. "Hello! Hello in there? Is that the Council?"

"Who's there?" a voice calls back. "This area of the building is not open to the public!"

"It's <player name>, the adventurer! Let me in, I want to help put a stop to the zombie apocalypse!"

"Oh do you now? Well, how do we know you're actually an adventurer, and not a zombie who wants to eat our delicious brains?"

"Well, I..." you pause. "...Are they really delicious?"

"What?"

"How delicious are they?"

"Hah!" the voice shouts. "I knew it! You're a zombie!"

"No! No, I'm just curious! I mean, you were the one who brought up how delicious your brains are..."

"You're a zombie, and we're not letting you in!"

"Look, I'm an adventurer, honest! I just want to help save the kingdom!"

You hear the voices muttering to each other for a moment, then: "All right, we've voted to permit you to aid us, with the proviso that you won't actually be permitted into the room until your identity is thoroughly verified. Frankly, given the levels of paranoia that some of us are showing lately, you'd better get used to shouting through this door."

"All right, fine," you sigh. "So what can I do to help?"

The voices mutter amongst themselves for a while longer.

If you haven't visited the Toot Oriole:

"We've decided that your first order of business should be to visit the Toot Oriole," calls the voice behind the panic room door. "If he's still around, he may have some useful wisdom or advice."

"Okay, I'm on it," you shout back.

Once you have visited the Toot Oriole:

"We don't have any tasks for you just yet," calls the voice behind the heavy iron door. "We're still running some proposals through committee."

"So what should I do in the meantime?" you ask.

"Just do a general reconnoiter, I suppose? Check out the situation in town; I'd start with The Sleazy Back Alley on the Wrong Side of the Tracks, and the Haunted Pantry on the Right Side of the Tracks. You might also want to check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains, and see if the Knob Goblins are up to anything unusual."

"Okay then."

When no quests are available:

"We're having a debate on Undead-Related Emergency Plan-Proposal Protocol," the Councillor calls from behind the panic-room door.

"Come back a little later, maybe we'll have a task for you then."

Quests

Level 2 - Spooky Forest Quest

Initial text:

"All right, we've decided on a task for you," says the voice. "We happen to have one of our scientific advisers in here with us..."

"Hello!" calls a second voice.

"...And he thinks there's a fair possibility of devising an antidote, if we can figure out where the plague actually originated."

"Well, that sounds quite sensible," you nod.

"So, to that end, we want you to bring us a mosquito larva."

"A... for real?"

"Yes. Mosquitoes spread all kinds of diseases, after all. Go get one in the Spooky Forest, which is within the Distant Woods. Here, push your map under the door, and I'll mark the location for you."

"Well, all right, if you say so."

Subsequent times:

"We still need a mosquito larva for testing," calls the voice of the Councillor. "Don't delay!"

"All right," you say, "I'm on it."

When returning with the mosquito larva:

"Hey in there!" you call out. "I found you a mosquito larva."

"Great," the voice calls back. "Just push it under the door, and we'll get right on having the scientist analyze it. Here, I'll give you some Meat for your troubles. Good luck finding anywhere to spend it, though."

You gain 500 Meat.

Level 3 - Typical Tavern Quest

Initial text:

"So what's next?" you call through the panic-room door.

"Well, the next likeliest source for a plague would be rats," the Councillor replies.

"So, Typical Tavern, then? In the Distant Woods?"

"Yes, the cellar there is generally swarming with them. No need to bring us back a sample this time, just clean the place out and report back. Let us know if any of the rats are behaving... strangely."

"Eating each others' brains, you mean?"

"That would count as 'strange', sure."

Level 4 - Boss Bat Quest

Initial text:

"The next potential plague-vector we need you to check out is the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. Go kill the Boss Bat and bring us back some kind of sample for us to test."

"Okay," you reply, "but do you really think it's likely that the zombie plague started this way? It seems like there's probably a more... I dunno, magical source."

"Yes, probably," says the Councillor, "but it's more expedient to check out the simplest options first."

"Fair enough."

When returning with the Boss Bat bandanna:

"Okay, I brought you a sample from the Boss Bat," you say, pushing the bandanna under the door.

"Great," says the voice. "We were kind of assuming you'd bring his head or at least an ear or something, not clothing, but this is probably good enough. Hold on one second while I have our scientific adviser look at it."

After a moment, the voice returns: "Okay, this turned out weird. Did you know that bandanna was made of the skins of other bats?"

"What, really?" you ask. "That is a little weird."

"Anyway, it checked out disease-free. Well, free of the disease we're interested in, anyway. Here, the scientist made a belt out of it for you."

"Err... thanks, I guess."

You acquire an item: batskin belt

Level 5 - The King of Cobb's Knob Quest

Initial text:

"Okay," says the Councillor, "our investigation into the source of the plague isn't getting much of anywhere, it seems. We've got something more important for you to check out in the meantime, though."

"What's that?" you ask.

"The little information we've received from outside indicates that the Knob Goblins aren't affected by the plague, or at least not in significant numbers.

Normally they mind their own business, but with our defenses weakened to the point of non-existence, it's certain that they'll be planning an attack. We've got enough on our hands with the zombies, so dealing with a Knob Goblin invasion as well is right out."

"So you want me to stop them?"

"Correct. And to do that you'll have to go right to the top -- neutralize the Goblin King. We have a map here, but unfortunately it's encrypted with some kind of Knob Goblin cypher, so you'll need to figure that out first."

He pushes the map under the door for you.

After accessing the inside of the Knob:

"Have you managed to take out the Goblin King yet, adventurer?"

"I need a little more time," you say. "He's pretty well defended."

After defeating the King:

"Okay," you call through the panic-room door. "I killed the Goblin King."

"Good work!" comes the reply.

"You know, I'm not sure that he was actually planning..."

"You can leave the diplomatic implications to us, <player name>. Don't worry about it."

"Okay, if you say so..."

Level 6 - Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest

Initial text:

"We've just received a radio transmission from the Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods," the Councillor says. "Some kind of distress signal."

"Well, that's hardly unexpected, under the circumstances," you say. "It's tough all around."

"Their wisdom and magical knowledge will make them powerful allies against the zombie hordes, so we can't just ignore their cry for help. Go and check it out, see what assistance you can provide them."

"All right."

Level 7 - Undefile the Cyrpt Quest

Initial text:

"All right," the Councillor says, "it's time to get back on track with this whole zombie thing."

"Yeah, I was gonna say," you reply.

"After some debate, we've decided that the most constructive location for you to investigate next would be the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary in the Nearby Plains."

"Well sure. That probably should have been the first place that I..."

"Here," the voice interrupts. "Our scientific adviser says this gizmo should aid you."

He pushes an object under the door to you.

You acquire an item: Evilometer

Subsequent times:

"Have you finished exploring the Cyrpt, adventurer?" the Councillor asks from behind the door. "Did you discover the source of the zombie plague?"

"Well, not as such," you reply. "I'm still checking it out."

"I must remind you that time is of the essence. Don't dawdle!"

"Okay, okay."

After defeating the Bonerdagon:

"I've cleared out the Cyrpt," you tell the Councillor through the locked door. "There wasn't anything unusual going on there, though. Or, well, nothing unexpected. I brought you the Bonerdagon's skull just in case, though. But it's not going to fit under the door, so you'll have to open up and let me in."

"Nice try, but no," the voice replies. "Just roll the teeth under there."

With a sigh, you push the teeth under the door and throw the rest of the skull away. After a while, the voice returns:

"Nope," he says, "totally ordinary giant undead dagon skull. Here, the science guy made you another thing. He's a fan of crafts, I guess." He pushes a little bone trinket underneath the door to you.

You acquire an item: dragonbone belt buckle

Level 8 - Mt. McLargeHuge Quest

Initial text:

"We've gotten another SOS call for you to check out," the Councillor says. "This one's from John the Trapper. He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big Mountains. Push your map under the door and I'll mark it for you."

"Is he... important in some way?" you ask. "Because..."

"All of the Kingdom's citizens are important," he interrupts, coldly. "And it's frankly offensive that you would suggest that we abandon this man in his time of need."

"Wow, okay, sorry! I just..."

"Plus, my wife will kill me if I can't get her a yeti-skin coat for her birthday this year."

"Oh."

Subsequent times:

"Did you help out John the Trapper with whatever his problem was?" asks the Councillor.

"Oh, right," you reply. "Yeah, uh... I'll be right back."

Level 9 - Orc Chasm Quest

Initial text:

"We've gotten another urgent distress call," says the voice. "This one is from the Baron Rof L'm Fao. He says his valley has been invaded!"

"By zombies?" you ask.

"Maybe? He didn't specify. Go check it out -- the Valley is beyond the Orc Chasm, in the Big Mountains."

"Okay, I'm on it," you salute.

"Hey," the Councillor says from behind the panic room door, "Did you say your name was <playername>? Some mail came for you."

"Mail? How are you guys getting mail in there?" you ask.

"We have one of those pneumatic tube dealies, like they used to have at the drive-thru at banks."

"Oh man! I love those things!"

"Yeah, it's pretty sweet." He pushes your mail underneath the door.

You acquire an item: strange leaflet

Subsequent times, before being able to access The Valley Beyond The Orc Chasm:

"We're still picking up a distress signal from Baron Rof L'm Fao," says the Councillor. "If you're having trouble getting past the Orc Chasm in the Big Mountains, maybe see if the pirates on the Mysterious Island of Mystery can aid you."

"How would they be able to help?" you ask.

"Well, they're tricky, you know? Wily. They're good at getting into places."

"I suppose that's true."

Subsequent times:

"We're still getting that transmission from the Baron," the Councillor says, behind his iron door.

"Yeah. I got into the Valley, I just haven't made it to his keep yet," you reply.

"Yes, his keep is notably well-concealed. You'll need your wits about you if you're going to find him. Also your arithmetic skills."

"My... what?"

"Anyway, good luck! Keep at it!"

"Yeah, yeah." you sigh.

Level 10 - Giant Trash Quest

Initial text:

"<Playername>, we've just received some grave and urgent news."

"About the source of the zombie plague?" you ask.

"Well, no. Apparently there are giant piles of garbage falling out of the sky at the Nearby Plains," replies the Councillor. "We need you to find out what's going on, and put a stop to it."

"Garbage? Okay, littering is lame, sure, but don't we have bigger problems right now?"

"Look, when we eventually do figure out a cure for the zombie plague, do you think the Kingdom's citizens are going to want to live underneath piles of giant banana peels? It needs to be taken care of now, before it gets out of hand!"

"Good grief," you sigh. "All right, fine."

Subsequent times:

"So," says the Councillor, "I hear the garbage is still raining on the Plains. We really need you to do something about that. Maybe you can find a clue in amongst all that trash?"

"I'm looking into it," you grumble.