The Horror... (A-Boo Peak)

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The Horror...

First time

You follow the map to the ancient battle site and see a pair of Whatsian ghosts dueling fiercely with a couple of Claybender wizard ghosts. The ghost of ionic energy zaps the air from the Whatsian's ionic pliers, and the ghost of magic erupts from the Claybender wands.

The more you watch, the more a question burns in your mind, just begging to be asked.

---

Flee the scene

You've had enough of this horror. You turn tail and run.

(The adventure ends. Or you can:)

---

Ask the Question

"Okay, here's what I don't get, you guys," you say, "the ionic pliers can pretty much do anything you want, without explanation, right? So isn't the Professor just a wizard, and the ionic pliers just a form of magic wand?"

One of the Whatsian ghosts howls in rage at your question, and flies shrieking away from you. Er, I mean, flies shrieking away through you. It's pretty damn freaky.

You lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you lost all your hit points:

That's all the horror you can take. You flee the scene.

If you survived:

You follow the map of the battle site to a crypt that glows with alternating red and blue light. You hear more ghosts getting their fight on in there. It looks dangerous, and it sounds dangerous, and it quacks like a duck, but you should probably check it out if you want to continue.

---

Enter the Crypt

You see two ghostly followers of Duke Starkiller and his Galaxy Battles backed into a corner and fighting furiously, great flashes of red and blue light coming out of their Light Savers. They're cornered by a trio of Dusken Radars, screeching about how dreamy Jared the Duskwalker is while slashing with their fingernails.

"I don't know what your deal is with Jared the Duskwalker," you say. "I read some of his Gospel, and it was the worst-written thing I've ever read. I couldn't stop laughing."

With a shriek, two of the Dusken Warriors descend on you, raking your soul with their ghostly nails, then moaning and wailing into the night.

You lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

In the back of the crypt there's an ancient stone door with Space Tourist runes carved onto it. You open the door and see a stone staircase descending as far as the meager light lets you see. You're sure that it leads somewhere awesome and fun, like stone steps vanishing into the gloom always do.

---

Go down the Steps

You walk down and down and down (and down) the steps. At the bottom, in a vast underground chasm, there's a ring of Space Tourist ghosts in a circle chanting. "Reverse the polarity of the neutron shield array," they chant, in monotone, "funnel the dilithium signature through the hexonium matrix..."

"Wow, your religion is really complicated," you say.

"RELIGION?" one of the Tourist responds. This is SCIENCE, okay?" Then three ghosts take turns scaring the crap out of you and then fly away, like a very condensed and more painful version of A Christmas Carol.

You lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You explore the vast underground chasm further, until you come to a place where stalactites and stalagmites have grown together, making a spooky underground petrified forest. You see flashes of light through the trees and hear the occasional shouted Latin phrase. Apparently some Claybenders are reenacting a battle down here.

You follow the sounds and see a whole squad of Claybender wizards waving their wands and hurling spells at some Battlie ghosts, with shouts of "Explodum Gonadia!," "Slicem Intestino!," and "Removio Pantsem!"

---

Hurl Some Spells of Your Own

"I guess it's not too hard for you guys to come up with new spells, eh?" you say. "Punchio Facem!" "Insultus Yourmotherii!" "That's not funny," a Claybender ghost says. The whole squad raises their wands, turns to you, and in unison chants "Scareus Halftodeatho!" What follows is terrifying, but at least the Claybenders leave after they've done their deed.

You lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

At the end of the underground cavern, there's a long stone staircase leading up and back onto A-boo Peak, and wow, there must have been a heck of a battle at this site, because there are a ton of ghosts here. Between the flashes of Battlie Light Savers, the spells of the Claybenders, the Duskwalker's twitches and shrieking, the hum of Space Tourist phasers, and the buzz of Whatsian ionic pliers, you can barely think straight. On a plinth ahead of you, you see a dusty leatherbound book with no name on the cover, just a single slash across it.

---

Read the Book

You pick up the book and read it aloud. "Professor What laid down his ionic pliers and regarded the newcomer, Jared Duskwalker, with barely-concealed enthusiasm. 'Molto bene, you're a fine-looking specimen, what!' he said, arching an eyebrow.

'Not as fine as I am,' said Duke Starkiller, stepping out of the shadows, clad only in a white bathrobe..." You continue reading as the prose in the slashed book grows ever more purple, leading to all five Heroes from all five factions doing anatomically improbable things with one another.

The ghosts circle around you, shrieking, moaning, gazing into your soul with empty eyes, anything to stop you reading, but you keep it up until they can take no more and every ghost has flown away.

You lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You drop the book, trying to scrub from your mind the things you've just read. That was really scary, and a part of you may never be the same, but man did you ever just banish a whole lot of ghosts!

Second time

You follow the map to another ancient battleground, where the ghosts of the five factions are doomed to reenact their conflict for all eternity. You see a Battlie with his Light Saver facing off against the phurious phaser of a Space Tourist, one on one. The Light Saver blinks red and blue, the phaser phases, but neither one can keep the upper hand long.

---

Talk to the Ghosts

"Hey," you shout, "you guys shouldn't be fighting each other. You can coexist! I mean, the Galaxy Battles of Duke Starkiller aren't even the same type of story as Captain Kerkard's Space Tours. Galaxy Battles is just the ancient hero's journey monomyth, just with spaceships instead of dragons, and Space Tours involves actual science."

The Battlie ghost turns to you, his jaw opening wider and wider with the force of his furious screech. Then he flies away, leaving you more than a little freaked out.

You lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You see a trio of Dusken Raiders fiercely battling . . . well, each other. "Jared the Duskwalker likes ME the best!" one shouts. "He told me that I was his own personal brand of heroin!"

"No, he likes ME the best!" another shouts. "He told me that I was his own personal flavor of corn chip!"

"Well, that's fine, but he told ME that he couldn't even kiss me because he was so passionate about me that he would accidentally give me two black eyes instead!"

---

Try to Talk Some Sense into Them

"Look, ladies, I know Jared is dreamy, with his shiny skin and his totally not being a real vampire and all, but have you stopped to think that your relationship with him is fundamentally unhealthy?" you ask.

HE LOVES ME!!!" the ghosts shout, in unison, their voices suddenly deep and terrifying, like a well that's full of spiders instead of water. Then a couple of them fly away, weeping.

You lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Behind a row of tombstones, there's a squad of five Whatsian ghosts plotting their next move against a squad of Space Tourists. "We could use the ionic pliers to agitate the groundwater underneath them and boil them all!" one says.

"No!" another says, "we have to give them a choice! Think, what would the Professor do?"

---

Make a Suggestion

"Well, if the Professor is a time traveler," you say, "he would probably just never travel to this particular set of space-time coordinates, so he didn't get caught up in the fight. Or he would stop the whole war before it starts, and save everyone at once! That sounds like a real Hero of the Peak to me."

"You don't understand! There are points in time that are fixed, and some that are blibbly-blobbly, and some that . . . look, you can't just . . . AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the Whatsian ghosts rise up and fly through you and into the sky, shrieking. It's pretty terrifying.

You lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

A little ways uphill from the battleground, there's a group of Space Tourist ghosts struggling to defend their high ground under a combined Whatsian/Battlie assault. "Set phasers on . . . uh . . . " the Space Tourist's ranking officer says, stuttering.

---

Take Command

"Set phasers on Sudden Realization that Faster-Than-Light Space Travel and Time Travel of Any Kind Are Most Likely Scientifically Impossible!" you shout. "Make it so!" The Space Tourists adjust their weapons and fire at their opponents. There's a brief moment of silence, like an indrawn breath, and then complete chaos as the opposing forces suffer a crisis of faith. Their moaning and shrieking is absolutely terrifying, but at least you've thinned out the ranks a little bit.

You lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You finally see a break in the ferocious fighting, and head towards the gap. There's a whole squadron of Galaxy Battle ghosts sitting around, apparently reenacting the time where they stopped fighting to have a healthy and nutritious lunch. It's a nice change to see them just relaxing and chatting instead of rabbiting on about Duke Starkiller and wiping out the infidels.

---

Join the Conversation

"You know the best thing about Duke Starkiller?" one of the ghosts says. "It's the way he will stop at nothing to avenge the death of his father at the hands of the evil Death McDaddySire!"

"Uh... well...actually, Death McDaddySire is his father," you say.

"Oh. Well, my favorite thing about Duke Starkiller is that he's the last of his line, an only child, sustained by the deep romantic love he has for Princess Lady," another ghost says.

"Um...I hate to break it to you, but Princess Lady is his sister," you say.

"Ew,but they had that kiss, and...aw, man," a ghost responds. "But my favorite thing about Duke Starkiller is Death McDaddySire anyway, even is he is Duke's father. I mean, he's such a badass! You don't know anything about him, how he got to be that way, or what his childhood was like, or anything. It's great."

You sigh and explain the history of Death McDaddySire as you've learned it from the various monuments in the graveyard. By the eighth or ninth time you say "Yippeee!" the ghosts are furious. They scare the everloving crap out of you and depart the Peak in disgust.

You lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Well, it wasn't easy, and it wasn't pleasant, and it wasn't fun, and it wasn't -- you know, I don't know where I was going with that. The point is, you cleared the battle site completely!

Third time

You follow the map to another famous battle site in the Five Factions War. It looks like all the factions are taking a break from the fighting, though, and just sitting around talking amongst themselves. You eavesdrop on two Whatsian Commandos talking.

"What do you think true love is, then?" one says. "I think it's, like, being devoted to an emotionally distant man who keeps comparing you to his last girlfriend, who wound up missing under mysterious circumstances."

"Nonsense!" the Whatsian replies. "True love is being a constant companion to someone, taking them on incredible adventures through time and space and constantly endangering their life, and then leaving them when they get too old."

They see you watching and turn to you. "What do you think true love is, random alive person?" one asks.

---

I Wanna Know What Love Is

"I think that true love is telling someone to keep her eyes closed so God doesn't melt her face off when the bad guys open the religious artifact you've been chasing across all of Europe," you say. "That's the kind of love that one usually doesn't have time for."

"Preposterous!" one Whatsian says. He places his ionic pliers to your temple and blasts you with a jolt of pure terror, then flies away in a huff.

You lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Next you find a few Dusken Raiders sitting around talking about the only thing they ever seem to talk about, Jared Duskwalker and how in love they are with him. "I'll tell you what true love is!" the Dusken Raider says, twitching slightly. "It's when someone won't leave you alone, ever, all the while insisting that you stay away from him. And threatening to hurt you if you don't do exactly what he says. That's true love." The other Raiders nod, while gulping and looking like a cat trying to throw up a hairball.

---

Put Your Two Cents In

"I think true love is a genuine give-and-take between equals, not giving up your own identity," you say, "like, if you don't have your own personality and will, if you can't disagree with the people you love, is it really love at all?"

Of course the Dusken Raiders don't take kindly to your description of love, and their arguments grow ever shriller until they're full-on banshee wails that chill you to the bone. By the time they fly away in disgust, it feels like the hairs on your neck will never go back down.

You lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You duck between the warring ghost factions and huddle behind a tombstone, where you overhear a squad of Duke Starkiller devotees talking with each other. "I think that true love is when you're about to go away for a long time, and the person you love says 'I love you,' and you say 'I know,'" one of the ghosts says. "I mean, you want her to know that you know that she loves you, right?"

"Nah," another ghost says, "I think true love is when you're ten years younger than a girl, and you fall in love with her so hard that the next time anyone sees you, you're only two years younger than she is. That's what love can do."

---

Tell Them About True Love

"I think," you say, "that true love is when you're so worried about your pregnant girlfriend's safety that you murder an entire building full of kids. I mean, think about it."

"Gah, what's the matter with you?" one of the Battlies says. He holds out his ghostly hands and blue lightning streaks out of them, transfixing you with terror from beyond the stars.

"I have a bad feeling about this," one of the other ghosts says, "c'mon, let's get out of here!" The ghosts fly away while you lie there and twitch.

You lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

As you walk through the battle site, there's a glimmer in the air and a group of Space Tourist ghosts appear around you. "Set phasers on 'Terrify'," one says.

"Wait! Hold on, guys! I've been wandering around listening to the different factions talk about love. What do you think true love is?"

"True what?" one of them says. "Is that one of those illogical human emotions?"

"Um...nailing some alien chick without getting an intergalactic virus?" one says.

---

Lose Your Patience

"Are you seriously telling me that not one of you guys has ever had a meaningful long-term romantic relationship?" you ask. "Next thing you'll be telling me that Captain Kerkard himself is more into his duty to his ship than he is about finding a stable significant other." The Space Tourists look at you meaningfully for a minute, definitely offended, then blast you with terror rays before beaming out again.

You lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You duck into a crypt to get out of the way of the constantly warring ghosts, only to find the crypt full of Claybender Sorcerers taking a break from the action. "So, what do you guys think true love is?" you ask, since you've already established a theme and might as well run with it.

"I think true love is watching the love of your life marry some dumb jock, and pining away for her for years, and eventually saving her son's life," says one ghost.

"Nah," another one says, "true love is constantly squabbling with someone for seven straight years, and ending up together once you've both exhausted all other options."

---

Speak of the Pompatus of Love

Well, if you ask me," you say, pausing for effect, "true love is nailing your best friend's sister."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" one of the Sorcerers says. "Terrorem Halftodeathicus!" A beam of light bursts from his wand, and the next ten minutes are the most terrifying of your life. By the time the spell runs out, though, all the Claybenders are gone.

You lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You survey the deserted battle site, still shivering a little bit from your terrifying journey. Phew!

Fourth time

You follow the map to the battle site. This one is close to a frozen mountain lake, with stunted and twisted trees grasping at the cold, indifferent sky.

Oh yeah, and a bunch of dead nerds still fighting their eternal battle. So there's that. You see a Claybender ghost throw its head back, howl at the moon, and turn into a werewolf ghost, which is pretty awesome. But his howl seems to have awoken something deep in the ancient lake, as tentacles start to whip the surface of the water. Soon a giant tooth-lined maw is resting just on the surface of the lake, but the Battlie ghost (currently haunting a full suit of green and red armor) nearby doesn't notice.

---

Tap Him on the Back

You try to pat the ghost on the back, but of course he's non-corporeal, so you can't. His armor, on the other hand, is solid enough, so you end up tapping it instead. . . right on a big red button. The button activates the armor's jetpack, and the ghost flies through the air out of control, directly into the lake creature's maw. The lake creature follows up the horrific scene with an absolutely gratuitous and lame burp, but it's still incredibly terrifying.

You lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You make your way around the frozen lake, but run into a Whatsian ghost on the other side. He's got a face like--well, you know how when you take a big bite of spaghetti and all the noodles are hanging down, and your date is embarrassed but you've already decided you don't like them anyway, so you just kind of slurp everything in? Yeah, his face looks like the first part of that. There's a cable running out of the mass of tentacles that he's got instead of a mouth, ending in a little sphere that lights up when he talks.

---

Talk to the Ghost

"I beg your pardon, sir," he says, "but have you any orders for me? I exist only to serve."

Before you can respond, another Whatsian ghost rolls up, the one that looks like a tin can with delusions of grandeur. "Negative! I require orders! Give me orders now! Obey!"

"I must insist that you give me orders first," the first ghost says.

"Negative! I order you to give me orders!" the metal ghost shouts in his metallic voice.

The argument goes on, getting scarier and scarier, until you can barely stand to watch. At the end of it, both ghosts disappear, still shrieking at each other to give each other a command.

You lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You veer away from the frozen lake to a dirt path back to the graveyard proper. You see a light in the distance, and then hear the roaring of an engine. You see a Dusken Raider ghost on a motorcycle, driving seemingly straight at you. She throws on the brakes and squeals up to you in a cloud of dust.

---

Scold the Ghost

"Hey! Watch where you're going! I'm alive, here, and I'd like to stay that way!"

"Oh. My. God," the ghost says, licking her lips. "You sound just like Jared the Duskwalker when you scold me like that. That's why I have to keep misbehaving; you see, since he left us, the only time I feel near to him is when I imagine him scolding me. Watch!"

And with that, she revs her motorcycle again and runs it straight into a squad of her own soldiers, bowling them over every which way. At least three of them fly away from the Peak in disgust. Then she revs the engine again and tries to run you down, enthusiastically and repeatedly, until you're so out of breath and terrified you can't even see straight.

You lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You leave the dirt path so you don't suffer another paranormal drive-by, and strike off into the headstones again. You see a group of Space Tourist ghosts sitting in a circle, their phasers connected to each other by cables.

"What are you geniuses doing?" you ask.

"Shhh," one of the ghosts replies. "We're trying to boost the power of our communicator badges so we can beam down reinforcements. It's a delicate operation and we need to concentrate."

---

Fail to Stifle a Sneeze

You try your best to ignore the tickling in your nostrils, but just as one ghost says "transport in 3, 2..." you WACCHHOOOOO louder than you've ever done before. There's a bang and a flash of light, and the Space Tourists are gone. In their place is a hideous monstrosity formed by randomly recombining all of them into a single terrifying creature. It looks at you with a dozen weeping eyes, and one of its mouths says, "Ge...sund..heit..." before it raises a phaser in a twisted claw and offs itself. Brrrr, man.

You lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You head further into the tombstones, or possibly tomb further into the headstones, to see that the Claybender ghosts have set up some kind of a sports pitch and are playing a game, flying on broomsticks high above you.

"Guys!" you shout. "You're ghosts! You can fly without brooms!" but they don't seem to hear you.

---

Ask What's Going On

You find the Claybender ghost that's refereeing the game and ask her what the point is. "Well, the game's called Crunchitch," she says. "You see, there's the Gigolo, he tries to throw a huge boulder through that hoop over there. Then the Pulverizer tries to destroy the boulder, or the Gigolo, before he can score, the Maimer tries to dismember the other team's Pulverizer, and the Turncoat flies around trying to find a missing contact lens. Whichever Turncoat finds the lens first, that team wins."

"Sounds brutal," you say, and sit and watch for a while. It's a pretty entertaining game, right up until all the players somehow smack into each other simultaneously in a huge mid-air collision. Bits of broomstick rain down along with bits of wailing ghosts. The overall effect is absolutely terrifying.

You lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You toss the map aside with a smile. It wasn't easy, but you made it through, and you seriously cleared some ghosts off of the peak!

Fifth time

You follow the map to a huge crypt in the middle of a stone plaza. In the middle of the plaza there's a statue of an angel with huge stone wings, covering her face. You watch the statue warily, ducked behind one of the benches around the plaza. So you're a little surprised when a very non-ghostly couple comes running up to the statue. "Really, baby? Right here up against this statue? You're sooo freaky," the female half of the couple says.

You blink, and while your eyes are closed, you could swear you hear the statue say "help me."

You blink again, and the statue says "For god's sake look awa--"

Oh, that's not a statue, it's one of those Whatsian ghost statue warrior thingies, and it can't move because you're looking at it! You feel worse and worse for the statue as the couple gets more and more squelchy.

---

Avert Your Eyes

You turn away from the statue ghost thing. There's a pair of very short screams and the fluttering of huge stone wings, and when you turn back, the ghost statue is gone. There's nothing left of the couple but a few tatters of clothing. You get chills up and down your neck, and resolve to never blink again.

You lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You approach the crypt, but are stopped by the ghosts of a couple of normal-looking young men.

"Are you guys part of the Five Factions War?" you ask. "You look way too normal to be in on this craziness."

"Actually," one of the guys says, taking off his shirt, "we're Dusken werewolves."

"Yeah," the other says, taking off his shirt, "we're werewolves. Any time we want, we can transform into giant talking dogs."

---

Tell Them What Werewolves Are

"But werewolves change by the light of the full moon, you guys," you say, "and they change into wolf-creatures, and they can't talk. They're a metaphor for the animal nature that lies within us all! You doofuses are just male models with a furry fetish!"

The two 'werewolves' transform in front of you and circle you, yapping and snarling. They manage to scare you pretty badly before they go bounding off.

You lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You circle the exterior of the crypt, trying to see what you might find in there, but you trip over a piece of pipe lying on the ground. You pick it up and see that it's curved like the letter J, and it has some kind of greasy nastiness stuck in the middle part.

---

Examine the Pipe

You squint into one end of the pipe, trying to figure where it might have come from. "What is this thing?" you ask yourself.

"It's a trap!" a voice says. You look up and see a Galaxy Battles ghost in uniform, with a head that looks like something you'd expect to find on a plate in a sushi restaurant.

"Oh, y'know, you're right," you say. "It's a trap to keep gunk in a pipe from washing into the sewer system.

"Well, yeah," the ghost says, "but I meant that this is a trap!" Then you're ambushed by three more Galaxy Battle ghosts, who scare the crap out of you before flying away.

You lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You try the door of the crypt, but it's locked. As you tug fruitlessly on the handle, some Space Tourist ghosts in bright red uniforms come floating up.

---

Ask for Help

"Hey, guys," you say, "could you get this door open? I'd certainly believe Captain Kerkard was the Hero of the Peak if you could pull that off!"

The ghosts talk amongst themselves, then approach the door, various sciencey implements at the ready. "Well, we could probably invert the polarity of the neutrino funnel," one says, "the only downside is if we don't calibrate the Hawking compensator correctly, we'll open a metaphysical rift that will suck us in and tear us to shreds!"

"Sweet, let's try it!" one of the other ghosts says.

Predictably, there's a sizzle and a snap and a rift in space full of Lovecraftian horror, and then there are no more red-uniformed ghosts, and you can't stop shaking.

You lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You finally walk into the crypt, only to find it full of ginger-haired Claybender ghosts. One of them's addressing the rest, and he doesn't sound happy. "Gary Claybender was not a hero!" the ghost says. "I know, it sounds like heresy, but hear me out. He may have defeated Lord Muertodeath, but most of the problems he solved, he created in the first place! If it hadn't been for our nerdy friend Octavia, he'd have snuffed it a dozen times! Not to mention how much I helped him!"

"Oh, you mean all those times you got really scared? Or the times you screwed up doing a spell and hurt someone? Or are you talking about the time you bailed and went sulking for a couple of months?" another ginger ghost says.

"Okay, fine," the speaker says, annoyed. "But lest we forget, he totally banged our sister!"

"Oh, right! Down with Gary Claybender!" the other ghost shouts, and soon all the ginger horde is shouting along with him.

---

Interrupt the Rally

"Guys! Guys!" you shout. "Maligning Gary Claybender isn't going to put your souls to rest. Assuming, of course, you have souls..."

"Anti-ginger racist!" one shouts. "Of course we have souls! Most of us have several! We took them from racists like you!" The gingers descend upon you and tear your soul to shreds before vanishing into the night. You manage to escape with your hide and most of your soul, but you won't stop shaking for a good long while.

You lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Unlike your mom, it wasn't easy, and like your mom, it wasn't pretty, but you've cleared all the ghosts off of this part of the map! Whew!

Sixth time

You follow the map to the skirmish site. This particular battle is commemorated with an outsize statue of Jared the Duskwalker, from his soppy puppy-dog eyes to his ridiculous hair. It's even covered in glitter so it will be sparkly just like Jared.

As you'd expect, the statue plaza is absolutely crawling with Dusken Raiders.

---

Approach a Raider

You walk towards a Raider, who regards you with the same glassy-eyed stare as all her compatriots. "Have you seen Jared? He promised he would make me a Duskwalker like him, so we can finally be together for all time!"

"Wait a minute," you say, "didn't you consider the ramifications of letting some random dude bite your neck and suck your blood?"

"Ewww, gross!" the Raider replies. "Duskwalkers create other Duskwalkers by injecting them with some of their spit."

"Holy crap, can't Jared get anything about being a vampire right?"

"He's a DUSKWALKER!" the Raider shrieks, and swoops through you, wailing. Yipe!

You lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You hear moaning and screaming coming from behind the Jared the Duskwalker statue. You figure there's got to be a few ghosts back there worth busting, so you investigate, ignoring the goosebumps making all the hairs on your arms stand straight up.

You see a ghost lying on the ground, screaming, with another ghost, a rare male Raider, gnawing on the first one's huge distended stomach.

---

Scream in Terror

"Aw, man, what the heck? What the holy CRAP?" you scream.

The male raider stops for a minute and looks up. "Don't mind us. We're doomed to re-enact a moment of our lives together, wherein she was pregnant with my Duskwalker baby and I had to chew her open to do a Cesarean section."

"Oh, I suppose that makes--what?"

"You know, I had to chew her stomach open, chew the umbilical cord in half, that kind of thing. It's a Duskwalker thing, like sparkling in the sunlight and falling in love with women 200 years younger than we are." He resumes gnawing on his screaming girlfriend. "Ah, there we go. Our freaky mutant baby's been chewed free, so we won't trouble you any longer." All three nod to you and disappear, leaving you completely skeeved out. You thought Jared the Duskwalker's chronicles were for young adults, man!

You lose 25 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 25 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

A Dusken Raider ghost flits up to you and sits beside you. She mumbles under her breath, twitches, gulps, rocks back and forth, and stares blankly into space for long enough that you start to get uncomfortable. "So, that's a great Jared the Duskwalker statue," you say.

"That's no statue," the Raider says, starting to cry. "That's Jared himself!"

---

Say What?

"Say what?" you ask, but the Raider's sobbing too hard to talk. Another Raider swoops in. "You see, when a Duskwalker becomes a Duskwalker, every bodily fluid is turned to venom, and their body is turned to stone," she says, and starts crying herself. Another couple of Raiders fly up to help. "Venom is a Duskwalker's spit, blood, bile, you name it," she says. "It even lubricates their eyeballs." She breaks down in tears and another Raider picks up the story. "When Jared the Duskwalker's venom was drained from him, he couldn't move. But he's still in there, he's just stone."

"Wait. . .I thought a Duskwalker was like a vampire. You're telling me they're some kind of poison-lubricated golem?"

The Raiders nod and sob their eyes out, moaning and shrieking until you think you're going to go crazy. By the time they fly off to mourn in peace, you're freaked out and confused.

You lose 50 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 50 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

At one end of the statue's plaza, a group of Dusken Raiders are setting up a basketball hoop and picking sides for a game. "You guys play basketball?" you ask.

A Dusken Raider rolls her eyes. "We play DUSKWALKER Basketball," she says.

---

Ask How Duskwalker Basketball Is Played, Against Your Better Judgement

"Against my better judgment, I'm apparently going to have to ask how Duskwalker Basketball is played," you say.

"Oh, it's just like regular basketball," the Raider assures you. "We even have uniforms!"

"But WHY?"

"Why would we play basketball?"

"No, why would you think anyone would care that you played basketball? You expect me to sit here and watch this?"

"Hey, instead of playing basketball just this once," a Dusken Raider Ghost says, "how about we just scare the crap out of this adventurer and then go watch TV?"

As the ghosts fly away, leaving you dazed and freaked out, you wish you would have just watched the basketball game.

You lose 125 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 125 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You look up into the vacant eyes of Jared the Duskwalker's statue, and see a Dusken Raider ghost has climbed up there and is clinging to the statue's back. "Hey, come down there before you hurt yourself," you say, then mentally facepalm as you remember she's already a ghost.

---

Ask What She's Doing Up There

"So, how come you're on Jared's back?" you ask.

"He's BACK? Jared's BACK? Oh, I get it. Sorry. I'm just reliving one of the best days of my life, where Jared took me on his back and he ran as fast as a horrible special effect, and we jumped from tree to tree..."

"He did that with you?" another Raider flies by, screeching. "He said I was his first horrible special effect run!"

"No, he said I was the first!" says another. Soon there's a big shrill group of them freaking out around the statue.

"You guys," you say, "Jared was hundreds of years old, right? Do you really think any of you were his first anything? He may look like a teenager, but he's really just an undead pedophile."

The ghosts gathered around the statue wail and try to cover their ears, but there's no denying the cold truth of your words. With hideous howls and murderous moans, they fly away, leaving you shivering.

You lose 250 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 250 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

You finally cleared all the ghosts from the square! You shiver a little with remaining terror, then resolve to have as little as possible to do with Duskwalker lore for the rest of your life.

Seventh time

You follow the map to the next battle site. This one's in the middle of a little grove of trees, with green leaves forming a canopy overhead and soft earth beneath your feet. It feels as isolated as a forest on a moon. Or maybe a moon that's all forest. A forest moon, some might say. As you wander beneath the trees, you hear a heated argument going on.

---

Approach the Argument

Eighth time

You follow the map to the battle site. This one's in a weird little box canyon on one side of the peak. The snow's melted here, revealing an otherworldly landscape of craggy red rocks. It looks like the surface of a planet unimaginably distant from this one, or possibly just somewhere in the Arid, Extra-Dry Desert.

There's a shimmer in the air in front of you, and a Space Tourist warrior appears. He's got pale skin and yellow eyes, but otherwise looks human.

---

Approach the Ghost

Rather than thrusting your fists against some posts and insisting you don't see him, you approach the ghost. "So, are you a human, or . . ." you ask.

I am an artificial life form," he responds, "what you might call a 'robot,' though I prefer the term 'android.' However, I assure you that I am fully functional."

"Um, congratulations," you say.

The android steps closer to you. "I believe you have failed to interpret my meaning. I am fully functional. Any operation, calculation, or sexy leisure activity that a human can do, I can do better."

"Uh, okay. What's the square root of 256?" you ask.

The android steps still closer and throws an arm around you. "No, I mean, I am fully functional. Do you clean your pants with glass-cleaning spray? Because I can certainly imagine myself taking them off of you."

"Oh. Woah. No thanks," you say."

The android stands there for a minute, head cocked at an unnatural angle, fully freaking you out, before it transports to a different quadrant.

You lose 13 hit points. (spooky damage)

You lose 13 hit points. (cold damage)

If you survived:

Further into the box canyon, you see two Space Tourist soldiers locked in battle with each other. One looks kind of like the apathetic lizardman, only less "apathetic" and more "full of rage," and the other's a bald, pudgy guy in a toupee and girdle.

Watch the Fight

Ninth time

You follow the map to the battle site. This battle took place in the ruins of a castle. A plaque on the wall says this was once the site of Pigherpes, the school of Wizardcraft and Sorcery. There are Claybender Sorcerer's ghosts flitting about all over the place, throwing spells from their wands. Well, all except for one ghost, who is sitting in front of an old-fashioned adding machine (the kind with a big lever on the side, y'know), and looking glum.

---

Approach the Accountant Ghost

Tenth time

You follow the map to the battle site. It looks like a cobblestone city street with abandoned housing flats on either side. You look around for ghosts, but there's only a little tow-headed boy wearing a gas mask. He turns to face you, which is a little creepy.

---

Ask if He's Lost

---

Occurs at A-Boo Peak with a A-Boo clue in your inventory, and hauntedness above 0%.

Notes

• Each time you force some ghosts to leave the Peak in a single adventure, hauntedness drops by 2%, then 4%, 6%, 8%, and 10%.
  • Getting beaten up results in only a 2% drop for that choice.
• Total hauntedness reduction is n*(n+1)% where n is the number of choices you have survived through (2%, 6%, 12%, 20%, 30%).
• The elemental damage dealt each time approximately doubles, and is affected by resistances.
• After the tenth time, the story starts over from the first time.