The Pool Table

You step up to the pool table, and notice a sign:

NO PLAYING
FOR FUN

Looks like if you're gonna play pool, you're gonna have to play for Meat. You survey the crowd for potential opponents:

Moonbeam Earthsong, Dippy Hippy

Play Pool (1)

(maximum 50 Meat)

• Upon victory

Moonbeam squints at you curiously as you place your bet on the side rail. "Wow, man," she says, "your aura is really amazing. Like, every time you move, there are these trails of light coming off of you! It's totally amazing, man."

Moonbeam lets you break, but you don't sink anything. She leans over the table, and sends the cue ball flying past all the balls onto an empty rail. Then she starts to line up another shot.

"Uh, I think it's my turn," you say.

"I sunk the ultraviolet ball!" Moonbeam says, pointing at the empty pocket.

"Uh, there's no ultraviolet ball," you say.

"Oh. Huh. Far out," she says, stepping back from the table.

Even though Moonbeam manages to sink the infrared, octarine, and paisley balls, you still win by sinking all of your regular balls and the 8-ball. Moonbeam pays her debt and you leave her staring at the light trails she insists are coming from her fingertips.

You gain some Meat.

Chet Chesterson, Orcish Frat Boy

Play Pool (1)

(maximum 200 Meat)

• Upon defeat

Chet makes sure that both of his collars are properly popped, sprays on a little more body spray, and accepts your bet. "Now, let's make this a fair match, Bro-meo and Juliet," he says. You promise to play fair, and he lets you break.

As you lean over the table, though, something taps you on the butt. You jump up, your shot going wild and dropping the cue ball in a side pocket. You spin around and Chet's holding his frat paddle, smirking. "Oh, did I tap you, Bro-setta Stone? Sorry 'bout that. But, I guess it's my turn now, huh?"

He hands his paddle to a nearby sorority orc, chalks his cue, and proceeds to run the entire table. He sinks the 8-ball and walks away counting his winnings, leaving you with a lighter wallet and two sets of red cheeks. What a jerk!

You lose some Meat.

or

Chet grins at you over his douchebag shades as you pick up your pool cue. "This one's gonna be over pretty quick, Bro-seph," he says. "You break."

You sink a few balls on the break, and his cocksure grin gets a little less cocky. "Okay, bro-mide," he says, "you're not bad. Let's see what else you got."

You miss the next shot, and he sinks a few before missing again.

"Your turn, bro-tisserie chicken," he says.

You're a little unnerved by his bro-quaciousness, but you manage to hold your own until only the 8-ball is left on the table.

"Your shot, bro-man a clef," he says, as you're lining up your shot. You're so distracted by that last pun that you miss, enabling him to pocket the last ball and win the game.

"Better luck next time, Neutral Milk Bro-tel," he says, taking your meat and walking away.

You lose some Meat.

• Upon victory

Chet looks over the top of his shades at you. "What's up, bro-deo clown? You ready to get spanked?"

"Uh, I'd rather just play some pool, thanks," you say.

"Suits me, parsley-sage-BRO-semary-and-thyme," he replies. "I'll break." He lines up a shot and sinks one on the break, then hits two more before he misses a shot.

It turns out you're pretty evenly matched with Chet -- in pool skills, hopefully not in personality or intellect -- and by the end of the game, you're both chasing the 8-ball. You miss your shot and leave Chet wide open to win the game.

"Tough luck, bro-tunda," he says. At that point, though, another frat orc taps Chet on the shoulder and hands him a mug full of some milky-looking liquid.

"You've been riced, bro!" the other orc shouts.

"Uh, what?" you say.

"It's fermented rice milk, bro-a constrictor," Chet says, rolling his eyes. "I have to drink this right now, even though it's disgusting, or I'll be a laughingstock."

You keep your opinion on that to yourself, and wait for Chet to finish the drink. He's a little unsteady on his feet by the time he's done, and he misses his shot by a country mile.

You line up your shot and easily sink the 8-ball. "We'll have to never do this again sometime, BRO-ken husk of an orc," you say, pocketing your winnings.

You gain some Meat.

or Chet smirks at you from above his popped collar. "All right, Mon-BRO-lian Beef," he says, "let's see what you got."

You break, but don't sink any balls. Chet steps up to the table, lines up his shot -- but before he makes the shot, another frat orc rushes up to him.

"Hey, BRO-magnon," he says, "we just got some new pledges! We've already stripped them naked, covered them in chocolate sauce, and tied their hands together, and now we're going to paddle them!"

"Awesome! What a normal and not-at-all homoerotic thing for us to do!" Chet says. "Looks like I'll have to school you on pool later, a-bro samurai."

Chet takes off so fast that he leaves his bet on the table. You figure that this counts as a forfeit, so you keep all the meat for yourself.

You gain some Meat.

Scratch "Amblin' Stick" Rackonteur, Pool Neophyte

Play Pool (1)

(maximum 500 Meat)

• Upon defeat

Scratch nods at you, tipping his fedora. "Well, I suppose I can take that bet," he says, "but I warn you, I'm pretty new at this. Foosball is more my game. I imagine you'll wipe the floor with me. Are you sure you don't want to double that bet?"

You decline, and he chuckles. "All right, then. I'll break." He opens a little case and pulls out a pool cue in three parts, which he screws together. Then he deftly swipes the tip with chalk, lines up his shot, and sinks half of the balls on the break.

"See? I told you I wasn't very good at this," he says. "Sure you don't want to double down? Easy money!"

You decline to say that while he's a good pool player, he's the world's worst hustler, and let the bet stand. Scratch quickly runs the table and pockets your meat with a satisfied nod. "Now, if you want to see a real game, you should hit me up at the foosball table, just as soon as the Tavern gets one," he says, and walks off to find another sucker to part from some meat.

You lose some Meat.