A Show-ho-ho-down
You gingerly (y'know, as if you had orange hair and freckles) nudge open the office door and peek inside. You see that one wall of the office is lined with hobo elves, and one is lined with elfployees. They're eyeing each other uneasily, and there are cries of "Security!" and "Put down my pancakes, consarn it," respectively, but the fight hasn't turned physical yet.
Squaring off in the middle of the room are three familiar faces. Two of them belong to Mr. Mination, who has pulled himself up to his full height and unfurled his tentacle arm. The other one is Uncle Crimbo's face, all eye-bag, gin blossoms, and boozy red nose. Crimbo's cobbled together a Crimbo suit out of scraps of red cloth and construction paper, and raided the bathroom for toilet paper to use as the white trim. It ought to look pathetic -- and it totally does.
"What have you done with my holiday?" Uncle Crimbo says. "I mean, you're not even wearing the hat!"
"Yes, well," Mr. Mination says, mildly, "when I put the hat on, I had these wild thoughts of giving things away for free, of peace in the Kingdom and goodwill toward everyone, and that was contrary to our business plan and mission statement. So I put it in the top drawer of my desk, right over there, for safekeeping.
"I think you need to take a look at the world around you," Mr. Mination continues. "Holiday isn't just for fat white guys in red suits anymore. We've moved on. We're inclusive; we're hip; we're now. We're beyond Crimbo. CRIMBCO is a global brand, Holiday is the new celebration, and my faces are the faces of the future."
"Look," Uncle Crimbo says, "I'm all for mutant rights. I'm all for everyone feeling included in the celebration. But it's not being 'inclusive' to water Crimbo down until it doesn't mean anything, make everything vague and bland, and then use it to make a quick buck! What's the point of Crimbo if you don't even call it Crimbo anymore? What makes it special? What makes it more than just an opportunity to shovel meat into CRIMBCO's coffers?"
"Exactly," Mr. Mination replies. "It's perfect, especially if you're a CRIMBCO employee. Earn scrip! Spend it here! Work to spend and spend so you have to work! Business is booming. We may even have to hire some more help and expand. What if Oyster Day were Holiday, too? You could leave your decorations up! I mean, you won't, because you'll buy new ones from CRIMBCO. The future's looking pretty bright, and I should know, because I can see seven colors unmutated eyes can't! Welcome to the future!"
"Welcome to the future? That's the best cliche you have?" Uncle Crimbo spits on the floor and grinds it in with his boot. "Well, Crimbo is about the past, present and future, Junior, and I'm at least two out of three of those!" And with that, Uncle Crimbo leaps towards the desk where the Crimbo hat of power lies. Mr. Mination leaps to stop him, and soon the two of them are locked in mortal -- okay, locked in a kind of sissy scuffle. What you wanna do?
| Help Uncle Crimbo |
| Mr. Mination -- (edit metadata) | |
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| Help Mr. Mination |
| Uncle Crimbo -- (edit metadata) | |
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| You Don't Want Some of This |
You decide you're not quite ready for some kind of climactic showdown, and slink back to the cubicles to work some more. My hero!
- Occurs in Mr. Mination's Office.
Notes
- Deciding you don't want some of this does not use an adventure, and allows you to come back later in the day to receive this adventure again.
- If you choose to help one of the two patrons of Crimbo, and you win the fight, you will not receive this adventure again. Ascending doesn't reset any of the flags.
