Interview With You/Isabella
A small bell chimes above the door of Isabella's as you enter. You look around for the shop's owner, but the place seems deserted. Finally you see a little sign on the wall that says, "Please Brood Intensely For Service." You narrow your eyes, pout your lips, and ponder the endless delicious torment you suffer as a child of the night. You almost throw up in your mouth a little, choking on your own existential angst. But finally the shop's proprietor steps around a curtain in the back and walks toward you.
"Greetings, oh dweller of the night," she says, through lips bizarrely large and thick. It's like her face has a little too much -- well, face. "How may I serve you? Would you have some eyeliner for your dark eyes? Some glitter for your fierce predator's skin? Some --" and she crashes to the ground, unconscious. After an uncomfortable few seconds of silence, she gets up again.
"Sorry, I forgot to breathe for a minute there. Didn't realize it until I passed out! Anyway, you seem to be new to the Dark Family, so you'll want the full kit."
Over your mild protests, Isabella squeezes you into some skinny jeans, spikes your hair with a five-gallon tub of hair gel, outlines your eyes with eyeliner, and douses you in body glitter. Then she shows you to a mirror, and you're very grateful that vampires don't have reflections. "Uh. What do I owe you?" you ask.
"Oh, just order me around and say mean things to me. That's payment enough!" Isabella responds.
"No. I'm not doing that. That's not sexy. That's demeaning. You should have a little self-respect," you growl.
"Thanks, dear!" Isabella says. "Now go have fun. And make sure you only bite women, even if you're not usually into that sort of thing! I'll be waiting up all night until you come back. I'll probably be crying." And she shoos you out of the shop.
| See Where the Night Takes You |
You step out the door, breathing deep of the night, feeling it wrap you like a cloak of infinite darkness. Your dark eyes flash as you ponder the endless pleasures that await you in the darkness, and how none of those pleasures could compare to going to someone's high school Prom.
You decide to go hunt for human prey, for someone you can snap at, or threaten with violence, or maybe just watch sleep for a while. But before your hunt can begin, you smell the most delicious blood you've ever smelled. It's like your own personal heroin. You've never wanted to drink any blood as bad as you want to drink this blood. It's awesome smelling blood, is what I'm saying.
You follow the intoxicating scent and find a pale, twitchy, mousy teenaged girl, who is furiously scribbling in a journal. She looks up as you approach, and her face convulses oddly. Which, you'll soon find, is not a rare or significant thing. "Who are you?" she snaps. "What do you want? I'm busy brooding because I'm the new girl at school and everyone loves me and wants to be my best friend or date me, or whatever. It's like, 'LEAVE ME ALONE! Can't you see I'm tormented?'"
For some reason, every word she says makes you want that irresistible, delicious blood all the more.
| Drain Her Dry |
| Redirect Your Desire |
| Tell Her How You Feel |
| Interview With You/Drain Her Dry |
"Is it cool if I drink all of your blood?" you say.
The girl shrugs and goes back to scribbling in her journal. There's an extended awkward silence, which is probably meant to convey some undercurrent of emotion, but fails utterly.
Then you leap on the girl, sink your fangs into her neck, and drink until she finally, blessedly, stops twitching. Her blood races like fire through your veins, only the kind of fire that makes you feel stronger -- not like literal fire in your veins, which would kill the crap out of you.
As you let her limp body fall to the ground, you hear a snarl behind you. You spin around and see another skinny-jeaned, hair-gelled vampire baring his fangs at you. "Damn it!" he shouts. "I was going to do that, eventually, after we danced together, and I almost made her kill herself, and she almost made me kill myself, and after we were properly married! The way you did it was just . . . immoral! And it looked totally satisfying and awesome!" Then he bursts into tears and runs away.
| You gain X Muscleboundness. |
| Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire |
"I, uh --" you say, and there's an excruciatingly long and awkward silence.
"Yeah, I --" she says, staring blankly at you, and there's another long, painful silence.
"I better go," you say, and run off to find something else to sink your throbbing fangs into.
Eventually you see a rat scurrying around in the darkness, and grab it. But before you can chow down, another vampire steps from the shadows and grabs your arm. He has glowing eyes, long, blond hair, and blue veins visible beneath his translucent cheeks.
"Louis. . ." he says, disapprovingly, "what did I tell you about eating vermin? You're a hunter! You're a predator. Humans are our prey! What would Xenu think if he saw you reduced to this?"
"Who what now?" you ask, distracted by the vampire's huge, freakishly white teeth.
"Come on, I'll give you the choice I never had: let's go to a party and eat some people! Or we can go to that vampire bar that just opened down by the swamp! For Xenu's sake, Louis, at least enjoy being a vampire a little bit before you chow down on a rat!"
You're not sure who Xenu or Louie are, but the vampire may have a point.
| Go Party |
| Go to the Bar |
| Enjoy your Vampness |
| Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Go Party |
| Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Go to the Bar |
The two of you walk due south. You pass decaying plantation houses where women in frilly dresses sip mint juleps under magnolia trees, walk through trailer parks where filthy toothless children play in the mud, and sneak around a bonfire where a voodoo priest performs a deadly rite with chicken teeth and gerbil bones. When you've finally seen every cliche you could possibly see, you arrive at a little bar next to a swamp.
It looks like a pretty ordinary bar and grill: rustic in a generic way, deer antlers on the walls, cheap beer on tap. You grab a table and a waitress walks over. "How y'all doin' today, y'all?" she asks, offering you a slice of pie.
"Um, we all are doing fine, I guess." you say.
"Well, y 'all, that's just right nice as a pig in a poke, y'all," the waitress says, grinnin'. "Y'all want to get naked and screw?"
"What?"
"Y'all want to get all buck nekkid and have freaky sex? It's what weuns do for fun around these parts!"
"Uh, no thanks," you say. "Actually, I heard --" you lower your voice to a whisper -- "I heard this was a vampire bar. I'm looking for some human prey."
The waitress laughs. "Well, y'all won't have much luck here, y'all! I'm actually a fairy, and that guy over there's a werewolf. The brunette over there's a dryad, and that feller in the corner is actually a will o' the wisp."
"Huh," you respond. "And what about that skinny lady at the bar?"
"She's secretly a mop," the waitress says. "Shut my mouth! Come to think of it, there ain't a single human here at all! But y'all don't have to drink nobody's blood to quench your thirst, honey-child. That's what RealBlud's for!"
She pops open a bright-red bottle and slides it across the table to you. "Kiss my grits, y'all, it's just what the vampire ordered!"
| Drink the RealBlud |
You down the bottle of RealBlud. It's less filling than regular blood, but it tastes -- well, less satisfying than regular blood. Still, it hits the spot, and you feel good about getting your fix without hurting anyone. Now you just have to resist the urge to get buck nekkid and get your freak on with everyone in a ten-mile radius.
| You gain X Smarm. |
| Interview With You/Redirect Your Desire/Enjoy your Vampness |
| Interview With You/Tell Her How You Feel |
Notes
Stats gained are equal to 4*mainstat, capped at 500
References
- The bar is a large reference to the HBO series True Blood. It features an ever-growing number of non-human characters, plenty of Deep South clichés, the titular synthetic blood, and, yes, lots of gratuitous sex.
