Modular, Dude
The death ray completely subverts all of your previously held prejudices about death rays by self-destructing. Wait, did I say "subverts?" I meant, "confirms."
Just as you're about to explore the rest of the ship, a voice booms from the intercom overhead. "So, adventurer," it says, "have you been a good little boy this year? Or are you on my naughty list? Maybe you should walk through that door over there and sit on my lap." A door you previously hadn't noticed slides noiselessly open to your left.
"Oh, I'm coming in there," you shout at the intercom, "but not to sit on your lap. I need information, and I'm going to pump you for it! I'm going to pump you until I'm satisfied!" You take a minute and reflect. "On second that, forget I just said that; it could have been phrased better!"
>Get In There And Pump!
You walk through the door and see a massive Crimbo ornament, taller than you are, that takes up most of the room. The top half of it glides upward as you watch, to reveal a figure within, seated in shadow.
"Wait," you say, "I know this one. It's been done to death. You are my father, and if I search my feelings, I'll know it to be true. Whatever. Man, half the monsters in the Kingdom claim they're one of my parents."
"I am a father," the figure says, "but I'm not your father." He stands up and strides into the light. You see he's wearing a red rubber suit with white trim, he's got a broad face and a little round belly, and he has a white beard and a laser sight instead of one eye. "I'm Father Crimbo."
"Okay, woah," you say. "Can you give me a paragraph or so of exposition, please?"
"Certainly," he says. "The cyborg ship crash-landed directly into my gravesite. They exhumed my body, reanimated me, and gave me a new artificial heart. The only one they had was two sizes too small, but I don't mind much. Then they tried to assimilate me into their collective!" He shakes his head and laughs mirthlessly. "Me, Father Crimbo, at the time of year where the Crimbo magic is at its most powerful! Well, as you can see, I'm assimilating them, instead."
He leans closer to you, almost blinding you with his laser eye. "You have eliminated my 12 Days of Mayhem cyborgs, and that is most irritating, but it will do you no good. The elves have already been assimilated, and soon Uncle Crimbo and his ridiculous farce of a holiday will be no more. Nothing can stop me! Well, I suppose if somebody pulled that lever right over there and activated the ship's EMP, that would pretty much destroy me and everything else on the ship, but besides that, no one can stop me! Ho! Ho! Ho!"
"Great, thanks," you say, and reach for the lever.
"Ah," Father Crimbo says, "but why would you want to pull that lever? Are you some kind of born lever-puller or something? Think about it, adventurer. Every Crimbo my brother has opened Crimbo Town to adventurers, made toys for them, caused nothing but trouble. Everything he does is a disappointment! Nothing he will ever do is good enough! Wouldn't it be better to have Crimbo the way it used to be? No Crimbo Town, endless tired iterations of the same toys, no enemies to fight. Just a message from me with one present for every girl and boy in the Kingdom. That, my friend, is the true spirit of Crimbo. Nothing elaborate, nothing messy, and nothing labor-intensive." Crimbo pauses and takes a swig of eggnog from a nearby eggnog-infusion tube. "Besides," he adds, "my brother is a belligerent, combative, unprofessional pain in the neck."
You know, he's got a point, doesn't he? As Father Crimbo's laser eye begins to twirl hypnotically, you relax your grip on the lever.
>Pull The Lever >DOOOOOON'T PULL THE LEVER!
