Mr. Mination's Office

Mr Mination's Office is located in CRIMBCO Headquarters at The Big Mountains.

First visit

You walk through the office door, bracing yourself for whatever creepy mutant lair lies beyond it.

To your surprise, you see a regular ol' executive office -- you know, big wooden desk, a wet bar in the corner, a window with breathtaking views of Mt. McLargeHuge. On the desk is a placard that reads "Mr. Crimbo Mination, CEO," and behind that placard sits a mild-looking man in a business suit, who is idly flicking an expensive-looking desk toy.

Okay, so he's got two heads and his skin is green, but other than that, he's your basic executive-looking guy.

"Welcome, <playerhonorific>. . . . <playername>, is it? I've just been going over your resume."

"I don't remember giving anyone a res --"

"It looks like you have an extensive background in monster-fighting and treasure-looting, is that right? Well, I'm sure we can find a position for you that will allow you to utilize those skills."

He taps a few keys on his computer, then smiles at you with both heads. "We have an opening for an entry-level file clerk, data processor, and butt monkey," he says. "I'm sure you'll find it stimulating. Welcome to the team." He extends a gnarled claw for you to shake.

"Um. Thanks?" you say.

"Human Resources will set you up to get paid after every job you do. You can spend your earnings in the CRIMBCO store on the first level," Mr. Mination says, standing up to show you out.

"Oh, and one more thing: the H.R. Department, or possibly H.R. Pufnstuf, determined that the best way to maintain employee morale is to coerce each employee into buying random gifts for total strangers. As such, we've instituted a Covert Crimbo program. CRIMBCO HR will be in touch to let you know who your Covert Crimbo recipient is. Once that happens, make sure to spend your hard-earned CRIMBCO scrip buying presents for them, if you know what's good for you. That'll be all."

After receiving the "Uh oh..." noncombat adventure (Requires 50 or 100 Adventures in the CRIMBCO cubicles, depending on date)

You walk into the office and see Mr. Mination shuffling a stack of papers. He glances up at you, then takes off both pairs of reading glasses and motions for you to sit. "It's time for your quarterly performance review," he says. "Tell me: do you enjoy your job here at CRIMBCO?"

"I can honestly say I've never been happier earning CRIMBCO scrip," you say, with a straight face.

Mr. Mination smiles and slaps you on the back (without getting up from behind the desk -- man, that's a long arm!). "I like you, <playerhonorific>. <playername>," he says. "I think you have a real future here at CRIMBCO, if you keep your nose clean and to the grindstone. I'm giving you a promotion. As of now, you're no longer an entry-level butt monkey."

"Wow, thanks a lot, Mr. Min --"

"You're now a 2nd-order butt monkey. That means you get to do a lot more work for a little more pay. Enjoy!"

(Unlocks the hideous slide show combat adventure.)

After receiving the "Climbing That Ladder" noncombat adventure (Requires a further 49 Adventures in the CRIMBCO cubicles)

You walk in and find Mr. Mination practicing his golf swing in front of some complicated contraption designed to suck money out of people with too much of it -- er, that is, to measure the speed and accuracy of a golf swing. He looks up and smiles when he sees you.

"Ah, <playerhonorific> <playername>, it's always a pleasure to see you." He points at two tiny, vestigial heads growing out of the two heads he already has. "The boys upstairs are pretty impressed with your performance so far. They're promoting you to second assistant vice sub regional shift manager! Congratulations!"

(Unlocks the endless conference call combat adventure)

Subsequent Visits

As you start to head into Mr. Mination's office, a Crimbo elf wearing a headset blocks your way from the knees down. "Do you have an appointment with Mr. Mination?" she asks.

"Well, no, but --"

"And what is the nature of your business with Mr. Mination right now?"

"Well, I just -- y'know, wanted to just --"

"That's what I thought," snapped the elf. "I'll make sure to report to Mr. Mination that you were trying to bother him instead of working."

"Listen, lady," you say, "do you know who I am?"

"No," she says, sniffing haughtily.

"Good!" You run back to the cubicles. That was a close one!

A Show-ho-ho-down

You gingerly (y'know, as if you had orange hair and freckles) nudge open the office door and peek inside. You see that one wall of the office is lined with hobo elves, and one is lined with elfployees. They're eyeing each other uneasily, and there are cries of "Security!" and "Put down my pancakes, consarn it," respectively, but the fight hasn't turned physical yet.

Squaring off in the middle of the room are three familiar faces. Two of them belong to Mr. Mination, who has pulled himself up to his full height and unfurled his tentacle arm. The other one is Uncle Crimbo's face, all eye-bag, gin blossoms, and boozy red nose. Crimbo's cobbled together a Crimbo suit out of scraps of red cloth and construction paper, and raided the bathroom for toilet paper to use as the white trim. It ought to look pathetic -- and it totally does.

"What have you done with my holiday?" Uncle Crimbo says. "I mean, you're not even wearing the hat!"

"Yes, well," Mr. Mination says, mildly, "when I put the hat on, I had these wild thoughts of giving things away for free, of peace in the Kingdom and goodwill toward everyone, and that was contrary to our business plan and mission statement. So I put it in the top drawer of my desk, right over there, for safekeeping.

"I think you need to take a look at the world around you," Mr. Mination continues. "Holiday isn't just for fat white guys in red suits anymore. We've moved on. We're inclusive; we're hip; we're now. We're beyond Crimbo. CRIMBCO is a global brand, Holiday is the new celebration, and my faces are the faces of the future."

"Look," Uncle Crimbo says, "I'm all for mutant rights. I'm all for everyone feeling included in the celebration. But it's not being 'inclusive' to water Crimbo down until it doesn't mean anything, make everything vague and bland, and then use it to make a quick buck! What's the point of Crimbo if you don't even call it Crimbo anymore? What makes it special? What makes it more than just an opportunity to shovel meat into CRIMBCO's coffers?"

"Exactly," Mr. Mination replies. "It's perfect, especially if you're a CRIMBCO employee. Earn scrip! Spend it here! Work to spend and spend so you have to work! Business is booming. We may even have to hire some more help and expand. What if Oyster Day were Holiday, too? You could leave your decorations up! I mean, you won't, because you'll buy new ones from CRIMBCO. The future's looking pretty bright, and I should know, because I can see seven colors unmutated eyes can't! Welcome to the future!"

"Welcome to the future? That's the best cliche you have?" Uncle Crimbo spits on the floor and grinds it in with his boot. "Well, Crimbo is about the past, present and future, Junior, and I'm at least two out of three of those!" And with that, Uncle Crimbo leaps towards the desk where the Crimbo hat of power lies. Mr. Mination leaps to stop him, and soon the two of them are locked in mortal -- okay, locked in a kind of sissy scuffle. What you wanna do?

Help uncle Crimbo = Jingle bell Help mr Mination = coal paperweight You don't want some of this = leave (you can go back)

References

• The names of the promotions could be a reference to the fake positions given in The Office.