Mysterious Island Arena

This page is in need of content. Relation between ML and number of posters needed, reward effects, Frat distribution messages

Description

Mysterious Island Arena is a sidequest in the Mysterious Island Quest. The concert promoters needs your help spreading the word about the upcoming concerts. The Mysterious Island Arena can initially only be accessed while wearing Frat Warrior Fatigues. It becomes available while wearing the War Hippy Fatigues after a sufficient number of Frat Boys have been killed.

Tasks

• Once you have rock band flyers or jam band flyers, simply adventure anywhere in the kingdom (with the exception of The Battlefield) and slap flyers on monsters in combat.
• Be aware, monsters don't like having posters stuck to them. They will always hit you after getting stuck.
• The stronger the monsters you distribute posters to, the fewer you'll need to hand out. Alternately, the weaker the monsters you distribute posters to, the more you'll need to hand out.
• You can check your progress by returning to the Arena and talking to the promoter-- their message will indicate your progress.

Rewards

• If you distributed jam band flyers, you can...
  • "Party with the free spirits" to gain Moon'd for twenty adventures, which may increase the effects of the moons (unconfirmed).
  • "Investigate a curious cloud of smoke" to gain Dilated Pupils for twenty adventures, which may boost item drops (unconfirmed).
  • "Join a drum circle" to gain Optimist Primal for twenty adventures, which increases your familiar's weight by 5 pounds.

• If you distributed rock band flyers, you can...
  • "Try to get into the music" to gain Elvish for twenty adventures, which boosts all stats by +10%.
  • "Bust a move" to gain Winklered for twenty adventures, which boosts meat drops (unconfirmed).
  • "Pick a fight" to gain White-boy Angst for twenty adventures, which does something (currently unknown).

Text

Initial visit:

You wander up to the amphitheater, mentally picturing yourself pouring your heart out in front of millions of screaming fans (but don't worry, we won't tell anyone). You see two guys scuffling in front of the bulletin board where upcoming acts can post their flyers. One has carefully disheveled hair, a polo shirt with a popped collar, and a general air of smug superiority. The other is dressed like your basic trust fund hippy -- really expensive clothes designed to look like you just dug them out of a trash can. Both men are frantically papering over each other's posters as fast as they can.

"Uh, what's the problem here, guys?" you ask.

Without wearing war fatigues:

They both turn and say "hey, could you help me --" in unison, but then they both look disappointed. "Never mind," the hippy says. "I thought you might want to help promote an awesome, organic, cruelty-free jam band."

"Whatever," Mr. Popped-Collar replies. "I thought you might want to promote a sensitive, screaming, weepy band that makes chicks think you're all deep and emotional when you sing along. But you don't look like you're into that."

"Yeah," the hippy says. "You don't look like you're into twelve-minute guitar solos, either. I guess we'll have to wait until someone comes along who is more sure of who they are."

"You mean," you say, "someone who is so sure of who they are that they've completely adopted a group identity?"

"Something like that," they both say, and turn back to their poster war.

In War Hippy Fatigues

The hippy struggles to get out of a headlock, sees how you're dressed, and says "I'm trying to promote a holistic, cleansing, uplifting concert from The Goat Cheese Occurence, Loathing's premiere jam band. They always put on a great show -- they play for at least four hours, and even longer if they decide to play more than one song!"

"Uh, that sounds great..." you say, while meaning the opposite.

"It would really help me out if you could take this stack of flyers and put 'em up all over the Kingdom. You could even just stick them right on the enemies you fight! I'm sure they won't mind. Help me out, and you'll be rewarded with the greatest gift the world can offer you."

"Phat meatz?" you ask.

"Great, consciousness-raising music."

"Oh."

You acquire an item: jam band flyers

First distribution message:

You check in at the amphitheater and see the hippy promoter rigging together two tin cans and a length of string. "Y'know," he says, "it's not that I don't appreciate your help, but I don't think you've been promoting as hard as you might could. I mean, with the current popularity of this band, these two cans and the string are going to be our P.A. system."

"I thought you were going to promote this show, bra," he says. "You see that guy over there? Unless we can get some financial backing for the show, he's the opening act. And to get financial backing, we need buzz, bra! Go out there and get the word out, or I'll frat-paddle you myself."

Second distribution message:

You check in at the amphitheater and see the hippy promoter dropping brown food coloring onto a sheet of little, colorful stickers. "Hey," he says, "you're doing a decent job promoting, but the band's still not popular enough for me to find financial backers for the show. As it is, we can't afford brown acid; hopefully nobody will notice these are just regular stickers that I stole from some little girl's backpack."

Third distribution message:

You walk up to the amphitheater and see the hippy promoter sitting on the steps with his head in his hands. "What's wrong?" you ask. "I thought I was doing a pretty good job of getting the word out."

"Oh yeah," he says. "You've done a great job so far, but I just did an informal survey at the hippy camp and everyone said the exact same thing..."

"What?"

"'Oh yeah... I remember that concert. It was totally awesome, man... what was the name of that band again?' I mean, half of the hippies think they already went to the concert, and the other half don't remember what date it is. I mean, in addition to what day it is TODAY, they don't remember what date the concert is. You're really going to have to redouble your efforts to pound this event into their greasy, filthy heads.

Fourth distribution message:

You check in at the amphitheater and see the hippy concert promoter talking with a couple of guys in three-piece suits and monocles. "Hey!" he says, when he sees you. "You're doing a great job promoting the concert. There's enough advanced buzz that these gentlemen have agreed to invest in the show! We'll get to have a real sound system and concessions now. Thanks a lot!" Then he pulls you closer and whispers "the thing is, though, if the attendance at the concert isn't as big as what I promised these guys, they're going to remove my spleen through my nostrils. So keep up the good work, okay?"

Fifth distribution message:

You check in at the amphitheater and see the hippy promoter busily barking orders at a swarm of roadies and lackeys. He sees you and walks over, holding up his hand for a hi-five.

"Man, you've done an awesome job!" he says. "Even people who have never heard of The Goat Cheese Occurence are calling them the 'only band that matters' and saying if you don't come to the show, you're a rectangular object! It used to be more people knew about goat cheese and cottage cheese than The Goat Cheese Occurence, but now they're more popular than cheeses! Keep up the good work and this show is going to be the event of the century!"

Sixth and final distribution message:

You wander over to the amphitheatre and see that people are starting to arrive for the concert. There's a kind of silence around the place that's made up of a bunch of roadies who have been working very hard finally sitting still for a change. You see the hippy concert promoter kicking back on the steps up to the stage. He's inhaling some kind of smoke from a rolled-up tube of paper.

"Hey, man," he says laconically. "You did a, like, totally awesome job promoting the concert, man. If you have any flyers left, I'll take 'em; we can use them at the next show. Speaking of which, they're hitting the stage in just a couple of minutes -- you should come back in a few and check 'em out. It's a totally awesome show, man."

Once per day after finishing distribution:

You roll up to the amphitheater and see that the Goat Cheese Occurence is well into the first song of their four-hour, one-song set. You stand and listen for about twenty minutes waiting for the first verse to start, but the lead singer is more interested in shouting into the pickups on his guitar than singing. After a while you get a little bored, and glance around to see what other forms of entertainment present themselves.

Choosing to "Party with the free spirits:

Sadly, selecting this option doesn't mean you get booze without having to pay for it. We were talking about people with few inhibitions -- sorry for the confusion.

You decide to hang out with a fun-loving, anything-goes group of concert-goers. You kick around a hacky-sack for a while, dance to the music, and talk about souls and fate and whatnot. Then one of the free spirits takes her top off, which is pretty okay, and one of the dudes takes his shirt off, which isn't bad -- then suddenly everyone's naked, covered in mud, and wrestling around. You decide your spirit isn't quite as free as all that, and you beat feet. Unfortunately, the vision of the moonslight reflecting off some guy's hairy, naked butt refuses to be scrubbed from your mind's eye.

You acquire an effect: Moon'd (duration: 20 Adventures)

Choosing to "Investigate a curious cloud of smoke:

You see a cloud of smoke wafting up from somewhere in the stands at the amphitheater. You decide to go see if some hippies have caught fire, since that's usually good for a few minutes' entertainment. You wander over and see a funk of hippies standing over a fire, inhaling the smoke.

"Remember, kids, smoking is very, very bad for you," you say.

"Not this smoke, man," a hippy replies. "This fire is made from a bunch of wooden sticks that I used to use to display my collection of hemp ties. You've never smoked until you've smoked some tie stick, man."

You lean over and inhale deeply. Your sinuses let out a brief wail of terror, but once you're done coughing, you feel pretty groovy. Man.

You acquire an effect: Dilated Pupils (duration: 20 Adventures)

Choosing to "Join a drum circle:

You wander off to where a funk of hippies is having a drum circle; they're banging all kinds of percussion almost (but irritatingly not quite) in time with the music on the stage. You borrow a drum from one of the hippies -- he doesn't mind, since no one can own anything, anyway -- and pound away for a while.

The simple joy of hitting something that can't hit back puts you in touch with your primal instincts; you feel a kinship with all forms of animal life, as well as a cautious hope for the future of life everywhere.

You acquire an effect: Optimist Primal (duration: 20 Adventures)

Subsequent visits that day:

You roll up to the amphitheater and see that Radioactive Child has already taken the stage. After listening for a few minutes, you really wish they'd give it back. Their lead singer's voice is pitched somewhere between a moan, a whine, and a hiccup through a mouth full of marbles. The concert-goers seem to be into it, though: they're all busy looking sensitive and disinterested to hide the fact that they want to dance.

You start to get bored and look around for something with which to entertain yourself.

Unfortunately, you think you've pretty much tapped out this event's entertainment potential for today.

In Frat Warrior Fatigues

"Trendy McPopped-Collar stops kicking the hippy in the ribs and glances over at you. When he sees how you're dressed, he says "hey, I'm trying to promote a really sensitive, but totally angsty, concert by Loathing's best screaming-crying band, Radioactive Child."

"I've never heard of them," you say.

"Surely you've heard their hit single, 'If You Want to Tell People the Truth, Make Them Laugh, Otherwise They'll Kill You (Royale With Cheese)?'"

"Uh, no... what's it about?"

"It's about when the lead singer's girlfriend left him for another guy. But to show they're clever and hip, screaming-crying bands use famous quotes and pop culture references for their song titles, and make sure that the title never has anything to do with the song."

"Wow, that certainly isn't the dumbest thing I've ever heard," you say, while meaning the opposite. I mean, everyone knows there's no future in pop culture references.

"Anyway, it would really help me out if you could take this stack of flyers and put 'em up all over the Kingdom. You could even just stick them right on the enemies you fight! I'm sure they won't mind. Help me out, and you'll be rewarded with the greatest gift the world can offer you."

"Massive piles of loot?"

"Really getting to know the soul of a sensitive, tortured young vocalist."

"Why is he so tortured?" you ask.

"Well, he's the lead singer of a rock band, but he was born with only half a tongue and no nostrils."

"Wow."

You acquire an item: rock band flyers

First distribution message:

You wander by the amphitheater to see how things are going and see a crazy hobo sitting behind a keyboard. He's singing some nonsense song about vampire birds and banging on three chords, to the accompaniment of the keyboard's "Demo 3" setting. You try not to look directly at him and look around for the concert promoter. You see him sitting nearby, looking at the hobo and holding his head in his hands. Uh, his *own* head, that is. Not the hobo's.

"I thought you were going to promote this show, bra," he says. "You see that guy over there? Unless we can get some financial backing for the show, he's the opening act. And to get financial backing, we need buzz, bra! Go out there and get the word out, or I'll frat-paddle you myself."

Second distribution message: n/a (unimplemented?)

Third distribution message: n/a (unimplemented?)

Fourth distribution message: n/a (unimplemented?)

Fifth distribution message: n/a (unimplemented?)

Sixth and final distribution message:

You wander over to the amphitheater and see that people are starting to arrive for the concert. There's a kind of silence around the place that's made up of a bunch of roadies who have been working very hard finally sitting still for a change. You see the popped-collar concert promoter kicking back on the stairs leading up to the stage, enjoying an ice-cold beer and a plate of wings.

"Hey, bra," he says, "you did excellent work promoting the show. If you have any flyers left, I'll take them; we can use them at the next show." He leans closer to you and says, in almost a whisper, "actually, the band's pretty horrible. But the kids seem to like it, so we give them what we want. Well, actually, we tell them what they want and then we give it to them. That's showbiz, y'know? Anyway, the show's going to start in a few minutes; you should come back then. Well, really, you shouldn't. Bring earplugs if you have 'em."

Once per day after finishing distribution:

You roll up to the amphitheater and see that Radioactive Child has already taken the stage. After listening for a few minutes, you really wish they'd give it back. Their lead singer's voice is pitched somewhere between a moan, a whine, and a hiccup through a mouth full of marbles. The concert-goers seem to be into it, though: they're all busy looking sensitive and disinterested to hide the fact that they want to dance.

You start to get bored and look around for something with which to entertain yourself.

Choosing to "Try To Get Into The Music:

You edge closer to the front of the stage and try to understand what the vocalist is singing. "Ab I bor-danube arg'n foor" he sings, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "Ah! Bedryin' dodellya anythee juwannaheer, cuz dats joost whoeye yamdis wee..." Suddenly it hits you -- the reason you can't understand the lyrics is because they're not English words, but the ancient language of the Pork Elves! And hear you had thought Elvish was dead! You're not well-versed in the language, but you translate enough to unravel the spell that's hidden in the song.

You acquire an effect: Elvish (duration: 20 Adventures)

Choosing to "Bust a move":

You look around briefly for a pair of dragons arranging brightly-colored spheres, but can't find any, so you direct your attention to the stage. The lead singer looks frustrated -- as the next song begins, he screams "Tits! Tits!" into the mic, then looks frustrated again, then screams "Tits! Tits!" again. You finally figure out that he's trying to say "Dance! Dance!"

You take pity on him and start bobbing your head in time with the music. A particularly attractive person -- you know, someone with whom you'd like to have horizontal relations -- sees your funky moves and drops you a salacious wink. It's a wink that is so full of sensual suggestion that it reverberates in your mind long after the winker has disappeared.

You acquire an effect: Winklered (duration: 20 Adventures)

Choosing to "Pick a fight:

Suddenly it hits you -- you're at a concert with a ton of frat boys! Surely there's somebody here who's ready to get into a nice, big, entertaining brawl. After all, how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? You shove a big frat-boy in front of you, and he spins around.

"Hey, I don't think you considered how your actions might affect me," he says, tears welling in his eyes. "I mean, I'm pretty fragile right now. My girlfriend left me, and my parents don't understand me, and...oh....just everything. Why don't you sit down with me and we can have a good talk and a good cry?"

You walk away disgusted and try again. And then again, with the same result -- all these frat boys are too busy being sensitive to start something. Your pent-up rage grows with every weepy pair of eyes above a popped collar that you encounter. Ironically, you feel like finding something to break; apparently, that was only suitable frat-boy behavior a couple years ago.

You acquire an effect: White-boy Angst (duration: 20 Adventures)

Subsequent visits that day:

You roll up to the amphitheater and see that the Goat Cheese Occurence is well into the first song of their four-hour, one-song set. You stand and listen for about twenty minutes waiting for the first verse to start, but the lead singer is more interested in shouting into the pickups on his guitar than singing. After a while you get a little bored, and glance around to see what other forms of entertainment present themselves.

Unfortunately, you think you've pretty much tapped out this event's entertainment potential for today.

References

• The band which the hippie is trying to advertise for in the arena, The Goat Cheese Occurrence, is a reference to the jam band The String Cheese Incident.
• Radioactive Child is a thinly-disguised parody of the band Fall Out Boy.
• "If you don't come to the show, you're a rectangular object" is a play on the phrase "Be there, or be square". A similar gag was used in the Discworld novel Soul Music.
• The hippy promoter's remark about the jam band being "more popular than cheeses" is a reference to a famous controversial remark by John Lennon, who said that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus".
• The "two dragons arranging brightly-colored spheres" from the "Bust a Move" choice is a reference to the game Puzzle Bobble, which is known in most English-speaking countries as "Bust-A-Move".
• "The lead singer screaming into the pickups of his guitar" is a reference to Modest Mouse--Jick once avowed that they were the worst live act he had ever seen, mostly due to the lead singer spending the better part of an hour screaming into his guitar pickups.