Pair of burnouts

Pair of burnouts
Monster ID	1578
Locations	The Road to the White Citadel
Hit Points	25
Attack	34
Defense	30
Initiative	0
Meat	12-18
Phylum	dude
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	head, arm, leg, torso
Drops	poppy, poppy
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting a pair of burnouts

It appears that you've run into two motorcyclists -- one with a flag painted on his jacket, the other dressed in primitive-style buckskins -- who are out searching for Freedom and the Loathingian Dream. They seem like decent guys, and it's a shame that you've got to pummel them senseless, but maybe this way they'll miss their appointment with that pickup truck.

or

It's a pretty typical story: two friends get deported to Mexico, and in their efforts to get back in time for the Battle of the Bands, they fail to realize that the van they've borrowed is made entirely out of weed. It happens to all of us at one time or another, am I right? Although most of us manage to get through it without peeing on the cop's leg.

or

This thin, tightly-wound man in a Hawaiian shirt and aviator sunglasses, and his large swarthy Samoan attorney seem a bit confused as to what they're doing here, but they're rolling with the punches admirably despite what God has done to them. They've taken a hell of a detour from their intended destination, but that's how it goes: once you get locked into a serious road trip, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.

or

These two guys just wanted to get to the White Citadel like you, but a famous child doctor stole their car, and after a ride on a stoned cheetah and a puzzling animated sequence, they've ended up here, in this field of intoxicating poppies, and incidentally blocking your path. It's a shame that you're going to have to beat them up to get by, but, in the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should.

or

These heterosexual life-partners seem to be attempting to ask you for directions, but the thin one can't stop his foul-mouthed ranting long enough to express the question, and the fat one seems to have given up on ever getting a word in edgewise. At least they appear to have ditched the orangutan somewhere -- those things can rip your skin off like a banana peel if they get riled up, and spending a day hitchhiking with these two guys is enough to make anyone see red.

Hit Message(s):

One of them puffs a cigarette and exhales gross smoke in your face. You cough until you taste blood. Eek!

One of them throws a largely ineffectual punch, but you stub your toe dodging it. Ouch!

An orangutan leaps out of the bushes and breaks your arm. Didn't see that one coming. Ooh!

One of them asks if you've ever, like, really looked at your hands. You hold your hand up in front of your face, and he whacks it so you smack yourself. Argh!

One of them lights a funny-smelling cigarette and puts it out on your <knee>. Eek! (hot damage)

One of them pulls out a glass sculpture and smacks you with it. Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

They take turns pummeling you like you'd said bad things about them on the Internet. Man, when these guys get some initiative, they're unstoppable. Ugh!

Miss Message(s):

One of them puffs cigarette smoke at you, but you avoid the secondhand smoke.

One of them throws a kind of half-assed punch, but you whole-assedly dodge.

An orangutan leaps out of the bushes, hugs one of the stoners, and runs away. That was a non sequitur.

One of them asks if you've ever, like, really looked at your hands. You respond that you look at your hands all the time.

One of them tries to put a cigarette out on you, but you've heard that smoking is bad for you, so you stay away.

One of them pulls out a weird glass sculpture and inhales some sweet-smelling smoke out of it. Wonder what that was all about?

Fumble Message:

They're too busy making some nachos to attack this round. Especially because they keep arguing whether or not to put peanut butter on them, which one of them thinks sounds amazing. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You gain 12-18 Meat (average: 15, stdev: 1.58)*

You acquire an item: poppy (30% chance)*

You acquire an item: poppy (10% chance)*

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Occurs at The Road to the White Citadel.

Notes

• This monster counts as a group (of size 2). It takes manifold damage from area-of-effect skills such as Wave of Sauce.

References

The various burnout pairs are famous duos from stoner road trip buddy films.

• The two motorcyclists (and their "meeting" with the pickup truck) are Wyatt and Billy from the 1969 film Easy Rider.
• The deported friends with a van made out of weed are Cheech and Chong in their first feature-length movie, the 1978 film Up In Smoke.
• The tightly-wound man and Samoan attorney are Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo from the 1998 film Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
• The two guys who had their car stolen by a "famous child doctor" are Harold and Kumar (and Neil Patrick Harris) from the 2004 film Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (the inspiration for the previous version of the White Citadel quest).
• The heterosexual life partners, one foul-mouthed and one fat, are Jay and Silent Bob; the orangutan is specifically from the 2001 film Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.