Slow Talkin' Elliot

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Slow Talkin' Elliot
Monster ID	511
Locations	The Battlefield (Frat Warrior Fatigues)
Hit Points	200
Attack	190
Defense	171
No-Hit	200
Initiative	20
Meat	120-180
Phylum	hippy
Elements	stench
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	head, arm, leg, torso
Drops	bullet-proof corduroys, Lockenstock™ sandals, Slow Talkin' Elliot's dogtags, green clay bead
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting Slow Talkin' Elliot

At the base of a heavily-contested hill, you encounter a bearded hippy bent over tying his shoe. You catch a glimpse of his dogtags, and recognize him as Slow Talkin' Elliot, one of the most lauded soldiers in the hippy army. Legend says that the only reason he's not one of the top generals in the Army of One Love is that when his superiors asked him if he wanted the promotion, he took so long to answer that they had all been killed in battle before they had a chance to give him the rank.

"Hey... you..." he says, in his trademark drawl/crawl. "You're... one... of... those... frat... infidels."

You lay back on the grass and take a little nap while he pauses between sentences.

"I'm... going... to... squash... you... into..."

At this point, you get tired of waiting around, and charge at him, weapon at the ready.

Hit Message(s):

He slowly stands up, wanders over, and gives you a big ol' hug. You gag as his arms come up -- it smells like death in there. Ow! Ouch! Ugh! (stench damage)

He darts forward and smacks you on the <solar plexus>. He may talk slow, but his hands are pretty damn fast. Argh! Eek! Ugh!

He tells a very long story. Well, actually it's a knock-knock joke, but it takes him four hours to finish it. You fall asleep and hit your head on a rock. Oof! Ouch! Ugh!

He tells you a story full of folksy humor and homespun wisdom. Around sentence three, you fall asleep standing up and fall over. Ugh! Oof! Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

He starts to attack you, but notices that there's a loose thread on his shirt. He slowly pulls on it, muttering slowly under his breath, then sighs and looks up, blinks... you finally get so bored you attack yourself. Ooh! Ouch!

Miss Message(s):

He tries to give you a big ol' stinky hug, but you easily dodge.

He tries to smack you, but his hands don't move any faster than his mouth.

He tells you a story full of folksy humor and homespun wisdom. You applaud politely.

He starts to insult you, but you easily move a couple miles away before he finishes.

Fumble Message:

not known

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After Combat

You gain 130? Meat

You acquire an item: bullet-proof corduroys (? chance)*

You acquire an item: green clay bead (? chance)*

You acquire an item: Lockenstock™ sandals (? chance)*

You acquire an item: Slow Talkin' Elliot's dogtags (100? chance)*

You gain 45 <substat>.

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Occurs at The Battlefield (Frat Warrior Fatigues).

References

• This character, and the entire description, are a reference to famous comedy bit called "Slow Talkers of America" by the radio comedians Bob Elliott & Ray Goulding, known as Bob and Ray. They worked principally from the 1950s to the 1990s. In the bit, Bob Elliott left infuriatingly long pauses between his words while Ray constantly interrupted and finished his sentences for him, which had no effect on Bob's glacial delivery.
• The idea and rhythm of this routine appeared in the 2005 movie MirrorMask during the Orbiting Giants scene. Knock-knock jokes also figure in that story, so the reference to knock-knock jokes may be an indirect nod to the movie.