Spam Witch

She shows you a picture of her pet goat. "This is my goat, see?" she says. Dear god, the horror. Argh! Ooh! Oof! Oof! Ooh! (bad spelling damage)

She offers you a million meat (which she embezzled from the Council of Loathing) if you'll hit yourself in the head. You do. Ooh! Ugh! Ow! Oof! (bad spelling damage)

She decides to forgo the scamming and just poke you in the <shins> with her pointy hat. Eek! Ugh! Oof! Ouch! (bad spelling damage)

She turns you into a newt! You get better, but it's pretty painful. Ugh! Oof! Argh! Ouch!

She tries to cloud your mind with interesting pictures, but you avert your eyes.

She tries to give you a virus, but you keep your distance.

She tries to poke you with her pointy hat, but fails.

She turns you into a newt, then offers you a career in newt pr0n. You turn her down, and quickly get better.

You gain 24−38 Meat (average: 30.3, stdev: 2.9)*

You acquire 32.0% chance 30669 scrolls

You acquire 51.4% chance Spam Witch sammiches

You gain 17 <substat>.

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Occurs at The Valley Beyond the Orc Chasm.

References

• "This is my goat, see?" is a reference to the Internet shock site goatse.cx.
• The comment about turning you into a newt (and subsequently getting better) is a direct usage of dialogue from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. During a witch persecution, a peasant claims that the woman turned him into a newt. When the other peasants look at him with confusion, he replies "I got better."