Uncle Crimbo (2010)
| Uncle Crimbo | |
|---|---|
| Monster ID | 1052 |
| Locations | Mr. Mination's Office: A Show-ho-ho-down |
| Hit Points | 250 |
| Attack | 50 |
| Defense | 50 |
| No-Hit | ∞ |
| Initiative | 100 |
| Meat | None |
| Phylum | Indeterminate |
| Elements | None |
| Resistance | Soft damage cap: 50 |
| Monster Parts | Indeterminate |
| Drops | coal paperweight |
| Manuel Entry | |
| refreshedit data | |
You're fighting Uncle Crimbo"Hey, Uncle Crimbo!" you shout. "Here's hoping you're as bad at fighting as you are at running a holiday!"
"Watch your mouth, kid," Uncle Crimbo snaps back, as he tries to keep Mr. Mination's tentacle arm from strangling him. "Anyway, I seem to remember you, or someone like you, choosing me over my cyborg brother a few Crimbos ago."
"That wasn't a choice! That was a narrative device! I can't wait to finally take you out for good!" you shout. You grab a box of paperclips and hurl it at Uncle Crimbo, but he deftly dodges them.
"All right, junior, if you think tall, slimy, and ugly can run Crimbo better than I can, I'll have to beat some Crimbo cheer into both of you!"
Hit Message(s):
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Uncle Crimbo sinks to his knees, bruised and battered. "So that's it?" he says, breathing raggedly. "No more Crimbo magic? No one's going to wear the Crimbo hat ever again? I thought for sure the hat's magic would come through for me. . ."
"Pah," Mr. Mination says, making a rude gesture with his tentacle arm. "There's no such thing as magic in that old silk hat you found. In fact, if you want it, keep it."
"Um, excuse me," you say, raising your hand, "but I don't think that's such a great idea."
"Shut up!" Mr. Mination says. "Crimbo has become Holiday, and Holiday does not need a red hat with fur trim. In fact, red is offensive to the color-blind, and fur is offensive to naked mole rats!" Mr. Mination rummages in his desk, grabs the hat, and rams it down on Uncle Crimbo's head. "See?"
"Ho?" Uncle Crimbo starts to rise from his knees, seeming to grow taller by the minute, his face beginning to glow. "Ho." He stands up, grazing the ceiling, towering over Mr. Mination. "HO!"
"Aw. . . no, freakin' way!" you and Mr. Mination say, at the same time. Uncle Crimbo sticks out his pointer finger and lays it aside of one of Mr. Mination's noses.
"HAPPY CRIMBO!" he booms. There's a flash of light, and where Mr. Mination was standing are a half-dozen very confused elves.
"What happened?" one of them whispers. "Last thing I remember, we were making toys in an unshielded atomic factory."
"Uh, that was . . . a dream!" Uncle Crimbo says, blushing. Then he turns to glare at you. "Thanks for nothing, kid," he says, "and to all a good night." He tosses you a small gift, flips you the bird, and flies straight up through the ceiling of the CRIMBCO building.
Inside the box is a present and this note:
"CRIMBCO is undergoing a period of right-sizing -- aw, screw it. You're fired, kid. Everyone's fired. Finish up whatever work you were doing and get out. Love, Uncle C."
 | You acquire an item: coal paperweight (100% chance)* |
