A Jukebox

This jukebox has a staggering four songs available for play. Which one would you like to hear?

Material Orc

You press the button, but nothing happens. You shout "Heyyyyyy!" and hit the jukebox with your elbow, and it abruptly starts playing. You feel a brief urge to put on a white undershirt and a leather jacket, but it passes.

The jukebox plays the 1980's-era tune "Material Orc." You put on some legwarmers and listen while you dance like a maniac, maniac on the floor. It's a song all about how women don't like men who aren't wealthy. It's sung by a woman, though, so it's okay. You sing along with the chorus: "for I am wielding a material spork / And I am a material orc." It makes you more determined than ever to get as much meat as you can.

You acquire an effect: Material Witness (duration: 10 Adventures)

It's Okay, Don't Stress Out

You press the button, but nothing happens. You shout "Heyyyyyy!" and hit the jukebox with your elbow, and it abruptly starts playing. You feel a brief urge to put on a white undershirt and a leather jacket, but it passes.

The jukebox plays the happy-go-lucky song, It's "Okay, Don't Stress Out." You relax in a chair, get a goofy grin on your face, and listen to a novelty song about how you shouldn't ever let life get you down. You sing along with the chorus: "So you say you lost a race / and took an anvil to the face / It's okay, don't stress out." You feel like life is just fine and can only get better.

You acquire an effect: No Worries (duration: 10 Adventures)

Boom Boom Boom Boomboom Boom

You press the button, but nothing happens. You shout "Heyyyyyy!" and hit the jukebox with your elbow, and it abruptly starts playing. You feel a brief urge to put on a white undershirt and a leather jacket, but it passes.

The jukebox plays the techno classic "Boom Boom Boom Boomboom Boom." The repetitive, electronic beat fills your ears and your booty in equal proportions. You sing along with the vocal sample: "Please tell me why / Giants live in the castle in the sky / Please tell me why / Are those hippies always high..." You know what would be amazing right now? Some Angry Farmer candy. It's just so... so amazing how good that candy tastes. It's the best candy ever.

You acquire an effect: Techno Bliss (duration: 10 Adventures)

Awrrashalla Hummboodaba

You press the button, but nothing happens. You shout "Heyyyyyy!" and hit the jukebox with your elbow, and it abruptly starts playing. You feel a brief urge to put on a white undershirt and a leather jacket, but it passes.

The jukebox plays the speed-metal song "Awrrashalla Hummboodaba." You thrash around wildly, banging your head as the double-pedalled bass drum booms like a machine gun. Er, one of those new, fancy machine guns that booms. You sing along with the lead singer, who is apparently a Knott Yeti: "Awrrashall hummboodaba fleemabola harakrishna / Sharanella combuchata klatubaratanikto!" The song gives you an adrenaline rush -- you're itching to get into a fight.

You acquire an effect: Metal Speed (duration: 10 Adventures)

After hearing a song (resets at rollovers) or if in Hardcore

You press the button, but nothing happens. You shout "Heyyyyyy!" and hit the jukebox with your elbow. Nothing continues to happen, but now your elbow hurts. Guess the thing is actually broken.

You lose 1 hit point.