Command Tent

The Command Tent appeared in Crimbo Town during Crimbo 2023.

On December 15, 2023, when the pirates had control of the tent:

You peek into the command tent, and see (presumably) the commander of the pirate forces, standing on a chair and carving PIRATES RULE OK into the conference table with a stiletto. She has to stand on the chair to do this, because she's a tiny blonde elf -- in fact, she looks remarkably like Tammy, apart from the eyepatch. And the pirate captain hat, and big red coat, and lack of a tambourine.

"Yarrr!" she says, in a squeaky little voice. "Another adventurer come to join my crew, eh? Welcome, matey!"

"Join you?" you exclaim. "The Crimbo elves are my friends, and you're invading them! Why would I want to join you?"

"'Coz you're an adventurer, are ye not? An' what's a pirate, if not an adventurer o' the seas! We're comrades, you an' I!

"I guess, but..."

"Plus," she adds with a with a grin, her blue eye sparkling, "pirates are cool!"

"Pirates are pretty cool," you mutter.

"Yarrr! Much cooler than Crimbo elves!" she nods emphatically. "We're gonna plunder Crimbo and make it the coolest holiday! Maybe even cooler than Halloween! What's more, look at me!" She hops up onto the table and dances a merry little jig. "I'm Sammy the Pirate Elf! Ain't I the cutest li'l pirate cap'n ya ever seen? Won't it be delightful ta be a member o' my crew?"

"Y... you are pretty cute," you mumble.

"Aye!" She pulls a too-large cutlass from her belt and waves it in the air excitedly. "So get yerself a pirate outfit and join the fight, matey! You'll have to knock out a couple pirates an' loot their duds, but don't ya worry 'bout that," she giggles. "Those seadogs got remarkably thick skulls."

"Okay, well, no promises, but I'll think about it," you say, as you turn to leave.

On December 15, 2023, when the elves had control of the tent:

You peek into the command tent, where Tammy is standing on a chair, focused intently on a bunch of board games scattered across the conference table. She pushes a few chess pawns and Colonel Mustard into Irkutsk, apparently preparing to engage with an enemy force of two plastic mice, a little car crewed by a family of pink and blue pegs, and a Q10. Folding her arms, she squints at the board thoughtfully.

"Tammy?" you say. "Everything going okay?"

She throws her arms up in despair and wails, "I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know anything about running an army! I can't even remember how the horsies move!"

"Honestly," you say, "I think you're overthinking this. You manage worker shift rotations and stock quotas and stuff for Crimbo Town all the time, right? I don't remember exactly when you transitioned from tambourine-waving to middle-management, but I'm pretty sure we established that at some point. Just think of your army squads as factory crew, and the goods they're trying to make are dead pirates."

"Oh, huh!" Tammy's blue eyes sparkle as she considers this. "That makes a lot of sense! Thanks, <playername>!"

"Sure. Is there anything more concrete I can do to help?"

"Well, we could definitely use you out in the fighting. You'll need an elf uniform, though, so the other elves don't attack you. I had the cooks put a lot of extra nutmeg in their nog rations -- like, a lot, maybe too much. They're kind of going berserk out there. Still, they're holding their own against the pirates, so..."

"Do you have any spare uniforms here?"

"No, they've all been issued. I think you'll have to go to the battlefield and get a hat and pants off of the elves there. Try not to hurt them too much, okay? Just knock them out. They could probably use a nap, anyway!"

On December 16, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

Inside the command tent, the pirate captain -- whose name you'll remember is 'Sammy' if you met her yesterday, and if you didn't, now you know -- has stacked some old phonebooks on a chair so she can prop her feet up on the conference table insolently, without falling over backwards. "Ho there, matey!" she calls brightly when she sees you. "'Ave ye been helpin' out with the pillagin', then? Much obliged if so -- we've got them landlubbers on the ropes!"

"I'm pretty sure that's a boxing thing, not a nautical thing," you say. "Anyway, are you sharing this command tent with Tammy? I might have noticed that she was in here before."

"Aye, well, it ain't sharing exactly, it's just that winnin' has its perks -- like havin' the extra hands available to seize this tent. So if ye wanna talk to me more in the future, ye'll haveta pitch in and make sure we keep winnin'!" She shoots you a big sassy wink with her big blue eye.

On December 16, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

You enter the command tent to find Tammy pacing agitatedly. "How's it going, Tammy?" you ask.

"Ugh!" she complains. "I mean, we're winning. For now. Although I guess that's already clear, since I'm here in the command tent."

"Oh yeah, I may or may not have discovered yet that you and the pirate leader are sharing this tent. How's that work?"

Tammy shrugs. "Well, it's not like we have an agreement about it or anything. It's just that whichever side is losing doesn't have the elf-power or pirate-power spare to defend this tent. So we're kinda sharing it just by, y'know, happenstance. But she makes me so mad! Look! She carved a rude word into the conference table! With a knife!"

You take a look. It says BUNS.

"...Is that a rude word?" you ask.

"Well, you know! Contextually! She didn't mean it in a nice way!"

On December 17, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

Sammy is dancing a merry little jig on the conference table as you enter -- "Winning, winning, winning!" she sings. "Oh -- ahoy, %playername%! The tides are turnin' in our favor!"

"Congratulations. Hey, Sammy -- can I ask you something?"

"Sure! What's on yer mind, matey?"

"Well, I couldn't help noticing that you look an awful lot like my friend Tammy, the leader of the Crimbo elves..."

"Aye, well, I would, wouldn't I? She's me little sister!"

"Your little sister! Really?"

"Yarr! Technically, we're twins, but I'm one letter older."

"Weird!" you say. "That's the sort of revelation that would normally be held back until the very end."

"Aye, but it wouldn't be much of a surprise, right? Too obvious, especially considerin' it's had ta be spelled out in the text that we look alike."

"But, then, you're family!" you protest. "You shouldn't be fighting like this!"

Sammy giggles. "Ye must be an only child, then! Siblings fight all the time!" She pitches her voice up extra-high: " 'Mom said it's my turn to play with the Crimbo Town!' "

"...Did your mom actually--"

"Nay, that were a joke, ye silly landlubber."

On December 17, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

When you enter the command tent, Tammy is busy cleaning up the mess that Sammy (the pirate captain -- we'll just assume you've met her by now, so I don't have to keep writing around it) left behind from the last time her side was winning. "Hey Tammy, can I ask you something?"

"Oh sure!" Tammy drops a couple of empty grog bottles in the recycling bin. "What's up, <playername>?"

"Well, I met the pirate captain, and I couldn't help noticing -- you two look an awful lot alike."

"Sure, that's because Sammy is my twin sister."

"Whoa, what? Really?"

"Yeah! Technically, she's one letter older than me. But still!"

"Why is she a pirate and not a Crimbo elf?"

"When we were little, she ran away to join the circus. And then some pirates stole the circus. I'm honestly relieved that it worked out for her, but honestly this isn't great as family reunions go."

On December 18, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

"Ahoy there, %playername%," Sammy says as you enter the command tent. "What's crackin'?"

"I just thought I should check and make sure -- your pirate goons aren't mistreating Abuela Crimbo, right? Because I'm warning you--"

"Oh, don't you worry about that old biddy," Sammy giggles. "One o' me boys did try to get rough with her, the other day. Not physical-like, y'understand -- just talkin' tough, tryin'a be intimidatin'. She weren't havin' none of it -- picked the lad up by the ear and chucked him right out the window!"

"Oh. Yeah, that does sound like her, now that I stop to think about it."

"The others've been mighty respectful since then. Last time I was over there, she had one o' them foldin' laundry, and another scrubbin' pots! In a frilly apron an' all! Heck, if I'm not careful, she'll prob'ly end up Cap'n herself!"

"Eh, I wouldn't worry about that. She's pretty hands-off, when it comes to general management."

On December 18, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

You enter the command tent and find Tammy going through a stack of reports and notes. "Hiya, Tammy. What's the sitrep?"

"Ummm, I think it's a kind of orange liqueur? Why do you ask?"

"No, sorry, I was trying to do military jargon. I mean, how's it going?"

"Oh! It's going okay! Pretty well actually, for now at least. Also we got confirmation that the pirates are treating Abuela Crimbo okay -- you know, whenever they're in control of her cabin -- so that's a relief."

"Yeah," you nod. "Not that she'd stand for much. She's a pretty tough old lady."

Tammy sighs. "I'm still kind of bummed about her taking a neutral stance on this whole thing. I mean, I get it, Crimbo is for everybody, but..."

"I guess it isn't surprising. She had the same sort of attitude about the dolphins -- oh," you say, as Tammy's pencil suddenly breaks in half and a red light from her eyes sets one of her papers on fire. "I shouldn't've mentioned the dolphins. I'll just, uh, head back out into the active war zone, where it's safe. See you later, Tammy."

On December 19, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

You knock on the flap and enter the command tent. "Hi, Sammy--"

"That's Cap'n Sammy to you, scallywag!" she retorts, giving you the fierce glare of a tiny kitten stalking a felt mouse. "At least, 'til you've proven yerself by helpin' me win this battle. If we win, we can be besties!"

"Right, okay. Well, Cap'n, is there anything specific I should be focusing on?"

"Aye, the Armory is pretty important. You know, considerin' it's where them Crimbo landlubbers keep all their weapons. And, uh, a lot of our weapons are in there too -- some of the boys got a little too excited at the prospect of havin' an armory to put weapons in, and didn't consider that it might get taken back."

"That's, umm... Kind of..."

"Dumb? Look, bein' smart's what ya call 'optional' when it comes to pirates. A little too optional, if ye ask me -- but on t'other hand, it's why I get to be Cap'n, so I ain't complainin' that much."

On December 19, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

"Hi, Tammy," you say as you enter the command tent. "Any news?"

Tammy is sitting on the edge of the conference table, swinging her little legs as she consults some notes clipboarded to her tambourine. "We're doing pretty well -- thanks to your help, I assume!" she says. "Well, you and the other adventurers. But you're my favorite!"

"Aw, shucks Tammy. I bet you say that to all the adventurers. Is there any specific thing I should be focusing on?"

"Ummm, well, the Armory is probably the most important location to defend. Because of how it's where we keep all the weapons and stuff."

"You know, it strikes me as kind of weird that Crimbo elves would have a big enough stockpile of weapons to fill an armory and fight a war with. That's weird, right?"

"Oh, not really! Handmade toys are really easy to weaponize. There's a bazillion laws and a whole government agency about it!"

On December 20, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

""Boooo!" Sammy yells at you as you enter the tent, waving her cutlass in the air.

"Gah! What? Did I do something wrong?" you say in a panic. "What did I do?"

"Ye didn't let me finish! Boooooze! Us pirates need booze to function! An' not just fer puttin' the limes in so's we don't get scurvy!"

"Right, no, the scurvy thing wasn't my first assumption."

"So I need ye to make sure we capture those elves' eggnoggery, so's we can convert it into an egggroggery!"

"Jeeze--"

"I agree," Sammy nods. "Five Gs in an eleven-letter word be an affront to nature fer certain."

"I was going to say, I don't know if egg would go very well with grog."

"Don't be a lily-liver! Grog's just rum and lime, so egggrog's just eggnog with lime! What's wrong with that?"

"I... I guess."

On December 20, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

"Hi Tammy," you say as you enter the command tent. "Everything going alright?"

"Yeah, not bad!" she says, looking a little dazed, but cheerful. "Things are kind of see-sawing back and forth, but..." she trails off and gets kind of a faraway look. "...Why is it called a 'see-saw'? You don't just look at it, you ride on it. It should be called a 'ride-rode'."

"Um, Tammy? You look--"

"Ride-rode!"

"--a little out of it. Have you not been sleeping?"

"No, I'm fiiine. Fiiiiiiine. One of the boys went to the cafe and got me a great big latté." She points at a large mug on the conference table, and you take a sniff.

"Tammy, this is eggnog."

"Is it? Well, the noggery is also very strategerly importemp."

"Okay, look, you take a little nap, and I'll get back to the fighting. Okay?"

"nkay." Her head hits the table with a small plonk.

On December 21, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

When you enter the command tent, Sammy is sharpening her cutlass on another cutlass. I dunno how that would work, I just thought it sounded cool. Like one of those long metal things chefs use, I guess? "Anything in particular you want me to try and take over?" you ask.

"Hmmm... What else they got around here?"

"Well, there's a café..."

"A café?" Sammy snorts. "We're pirates! We're rough and tumble, not hoity and toity!"

"The coffee's pretty good, though."

"We've got grog!"

"Pastries?"

"Hardtack!"

"...Do you actually like hardtack?" you ask.

"Ummm... no. Do they have..."

"...What?"

"...croissarrrnts?"

"I'm leaving."

On December 21, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

As you approach the command tent, a delivery elf hands you a big steaming mug of coffee for Tammy, so you take it and pass it along. "Oh, thank Crimbo," she says. "I needed this."

"That café really does a brisk trade, huh?" you say.

"Like you wouldn't believe. I dunno if you've noticed how we Crimbo elves seem a little... hyperactive? We pretty much run on caffeine, especially at this busy time of year."

"Just caffeine? Nobody's out there hooting rails of crushed-up peppermint sticks?"

"Not since we started testing their pee!"

"There's a test for peppermint?"

"Oh yes," Tammy nods. "Little white test strip. If it comes back with red stripes on it, somebody's in trouble!"

"Are we, like, actually going somewhere with this bit?" you ask.

"I'm just pointing out that the café's really important to the war effort, so we have to protect it at all costs."

"Ah, of course. Gotcha."

On December 22, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

"Ahoy there, landlubber!" Sammy shouts (squeaks) as you enter the tent. "I've suddenly decided that we pirates need that toy factory, pronto!"

"Pirates don't say 'pronto'. What do you need a toy factory for? You already have real weapons, I don't think toy ones will be an improvement."

"Yarr, but they make ships there, don't they?"

"Not real ones. Just little toy ones."

"Right! The kind you put in bottles!"

"Well, sure, I suppose you could..."

"So there y'are! Yarr! Ships in bottles! Pirates love them things! Stuffed animals, too!"

"Pirates like stuffed animals?" you ask.

"Well, manatees in particular. I don't really get why."

On December 22, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

As you enter the command tent, Tammy is frantically tossing papers into the air to no apparent purpose and wailing "Oh jeez! Oh no! Oh jeez!"

"Wow, okay, take a deep breath, Tammy. What's the problem?"

"fwooooooo The factory! It's nearly Crimbo, and we aren't done making all the toys yet! We have to gain and/or maintain control of the factory, or we won't have time to fulfill all the orders!"

"Oooh. Right. I'll see what I can do," you say. "...But, wait, do you only start making the toys at the end of the year? I'd've thought you'd make them well in advance."

"We start making them well in advance, but do you know how long it takes to whittle a Playstation 5 out of a block of wood?"

On December 23, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

You find Sammy using long, thin tweezers to carefully string garland around a little model Crimbo tree inside a glass bottle. Instead of a star at the top, it has a tiny skull and crossbones. "Yarrr? What's up, %playername%? I think we've run out've capturable locations to discuss."

"Well, I was wondering -- what are you planning to actually do with Crimbo Town?"

She taps her chin with one finger and tilts her head to the side. "Didn't I tell you that? Well, maybe ye missed that convo. We're gonna take over Crimbo, and make it better! Hoist high the Holly-Jolly Roger! Yo-ho-ho-ho! An' such as like that!"

"Okay, but what about the Crimbo elves?"

"What about 'em? Oh! You think we're gonna kick 'em out? Nah, nah matey -- pirates don't know jack about makin' and distributin' toys an' such. Pretty much the opposite, really! The elves'll still have jobs! They'll just need better hats! Pirate hats!"

"Oh, well that's a relief!" you say, relieved.

"And maybe swords!"

"I'd recommend you not give them swords."

On December 23, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

Tammy looks especially frantic today -- she's pacing up and down the conference table, and nibbling on the edge of her tambourine. "Hey, Tammy," you ask, "are you feeling okay?"

"I'm just so worried! What's going to happen to Crimbo if the pirates take over? What's going to happen to all the elves, and to me? Are they gonna haul our keels to a brig and clap irons at us? Are they gonna make us walk on planks??"

"Come on, I'm sure they won't--"

"I don't want to kiss a gunner's daughter!" she wails. "I'm not ready for that kind of relationship!"

"I'm sure it won't be that bad, Sammy's your sister after all. She's still basically a Crimbo elf -- she likes fun pirate stuff, not murder."

"But what if the pirates have been a bad influence on her? Remember that time I got too into weird earth-cult stuff and summoned a horrible eldritch monstrosity?"

"Ha ha, yeah. Good times. ...Uh, I mean, yeah. I get your point."

On December 24, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

"Ahoy there, %playername%! Lookin' to learn some new Crimbo carols? I can teach ye a good one about a bunch of guys standin' on a corpse!"

"That sounds more like a sea shanty than a Crimbo carol, Sammy," you say.

"Gonna be the same thing, next year! Might as well start learnin' early!"

"Listen, I was wondering -- is there some particular reason you're doing this?"

"I'm pretty sure I've made this clear! Pirates are fun, and Crimbo is boring, so I'm lookin' ta make Crimbo more fun!"

"I mean, something more personal maybe."

Sammy rolls her eyes. Well, her eye, but presumably the one under the eyepatch rolls too. "Oh, I see. Yer lookin' ya wrap up the year on some profound emotional drama that'll heal the rift betwixt me an' Tammy an' make everythin' feel-good times."

"'Betwixt'?"

"Look, I got no secret sob story nor buried trauma. The only thing I bury is booty! Tee-hee! An' there weren't no terrible incitin' incident with me an' Tammy what made me run away and join the circus that later got stolen by pirates. I just got bored! It ain't complex! Was Tammy all wringin' her hands an' moanin' about her long-lost sister or somethin'?"

"Uh... well, no, now that you mention it. That was the one part of this whole deal that she totally took in stride."

"There, ya see! This sort've thing happens all the time, with elves. We're flighty!"

On December 24, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

"Good news!" you say to Tammy, who is gnawing the edge of the conference table out of anxiety. "The elves aren't getting kicked out of Crimbo Town, even if the pirates win. Your jobs are safe!"

"Oh! That's a relief!" Tammy says. "But... how do you know?"

"Because I -- or someone like me -- asked Sammy about it. She said pirates don't know anything about running Crimbo, so if they win they'll need your help."

"Well, that makes sense. I don't want to work for pirates, though! They're rude! And smelly!"

"Sammy also said you'd get cool hats."

Tammy's eyes get really wide and glittery for a moment, then she clamps them shut hard and shakes her head. "Nope! Nope! I can't be bribed with cool hats!"

"Well, you still have time to win the war." You glance at your wrist. "This'll probably keep going past Crimbo Day, to make sure all the adventurers have had their fill, so you've got several days left to make up any deficit you may or may not have."

"Does your watch have a calendar? That's neat!"

"I'm not wearing a watch."

On December 25, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

"Hey, Sammy?" you say as you enter the command tent. "I was thinking -- have you considered getting together with Tammy, like for a meeting? Maybe you two could hash out a solution to this situation that wouldn't require all this fighting."

Sammy pouts. "I like the fightin'! But I get yer point. We haven't seen each other in ages! I been so busy keepin' the boys under control, an' practicin' me scrimshaw and other piratey stuff, that it didn't even occur to me. Heh, I'd wager she said much the same thing, eh?"

"Probably, yeah."

"Well sure, I like a good parley. But we prob'ly won't get around to talkin' about the fightin', we'll prob'ly just end up playin' tag an' braidin' each other's hair an' stuff." She picks up her cutlass and starts belting it on. "I reckon she'll get the picture well enough, though."

"I... I really don't think you need to take the cutlass."

"What are you talkin' about? How am I gonna show her my sweet cutlass if I don't take it??"

On December 25, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

Tammy is still rushing around the command tent, checking supplies lists and making tactical diagrams, though she seems a bit less frantic now that she knows Sammy isn't planning on hauling all the elves' keels if they lose. "Hey, Tammy?" you ask. "Have you considered actually talking with Sammy about this? Like, maybe you two can sort this whole deal out without the war actually being necessary. Which, granted, would be a better suggestion if I'd made it a week and a half ago."

"Huh! That's a good point!" Tammy says. "You know, I haven't seen her in ages. With all the commotion, I hadn't even considered it!"

"Were you two not very close, or..."

"Oh, I was close with all my siblings! It's just that there were seventeen of us. Not to say that Sammy wasn't missed, but elf children have a tendency to wander off, it's just one of those things. She sent me a birthday card every year!"

"I guess I have a lot to learn about elf culture."

On December 26, 2023, with pirates in control of the tent:

"Hiya, Sammy -- how'd the parley with Tammy go?" you ask.

Sammy hops up and down excitedly. "Oh, it was great! Yarrr! We had a big hug, an' talked about stuff, an' played a bunch o' games!"

"Was one of the things you talked about, you know, the war?"

"Aye! We sorted it all out! Either I'll be in charge next year an' the elves'll be workin fer us pirates, or Tammy'll be in charge an' us pirates'll be workin' fer the elves. So now we're still fightin', but just fer fun, like." She pauses, and taps her chin thoughtfully. "...Hmm, maybe I ought to tell the crew about that. Anyway, thanks fer yer help! We prob'ly never woulda got around to havin' a proper reunion without ye! If I win, ye can join me crew and be me bos'n next year!"

"What's a bos'n?"

"It's short for 'boatswain'."

"What does a boatswain do?"

"I don't actually know! Yarrr!"

On December 26, 2023, with elves in control of the tent:

"Hi, Tammy. Did you and Sammy get to have that meeting?"

Tammy hops up and down joyfully. "Yeah! It was great! We had a big hug, and she showed me her sweet cutlass, and we swapped hats for a bit and played a bunch of games!"

"That's great!" you say. "Did you talk about the war thing, though?"

"Oh yeah, a little! We sorted it all out, it was easy!"

"But... there's still a bunch of fighting going on outside."

"Yeah! We decided whichever side wins gets to run Crimbo next year. So we're still playing war, but now it's just for fun!"

"Did anyone tell the pirates and elves that?"

Tammy makes a 'hmmm' face and taps her chin. "...I dunno! Probably? Anyway, thanks so much for your help!" She gives you a big hug. "Without you, Sammy and I probably wouldn't have even remembered to have a proper reunion! So you saved Crimbo again, pretty much!"

"Aw, well, I'm always happy to help, Tammy. Even when I'm not totally clear on what's going on."

On December 27, 2023:

<no text>

On December 28, 2023 to January 10, 2024:

Looks like everyone is distracted, watching the battles play out.

On January 11, 2024 to January 14, 2024:

You enter the command tent to find Tammy and Sammy jumping up and down and yelling “War! War!! War!!!” while giggling.

”Uh, hey girls,” you say. “What’s all the excitement? Everything’s going nuts outside.”

”We decided to finish this up with two days of all-out war!” Tammy says.

”Yarrr,” Sammy nods. “It be time ta’ settle this once an’ fer all!”

”You did tell the soldiers that they’re fighting for fun and not for real, right?”

The elf twins shrug identically as gunfire and Wilhelm screams fill the air outside.

On January 15, 2024:

At the command tent, Tammy and Sammy are packing all the board games and stuff into a large pirate-style treasure chest. “Ahoy there, <playername>!” Sammy calls to you excitedly. “Guess what? Guess what?”

”Is it that the pirates won?” you guess.

”Yarrr! And also chicken butt! Mostly yarrr though! So look forward ta a Crimbo fulla rum and sea shanties next year! And booty!” She and Tammy giggle.

”See you next year, <playername>!” Tammy says, then hops into the chest. Sammy shuts the lid and motions for a couple of pirates to haul it back to the ship.

”See ya around, matey!” she waves. “Get yer shoppin’ in afore the town disappears!”

Note

• Only one of Tammy and Sammy could be in the Command Tent at a time, except for at the end.
• Control of the tent could swap between elves and pirates in the middle of the day based on how the battle was going.
• From December 28 to January 10, neither controlled the tent. From January 11, both were in the tent.