Conservationist hippy
| Conservationist hippy | |
|---|---|
| Monster ID | 597 |
| Locations | Swamp Beaver Territory |
| Hit Points | 70 |
| Attack | 64 |
| Defense | 68 |
| Initiative | 40 |
| Meat | 32-48 |
| Phylum | hippy |
| Elements | stench |
| Resistance | None |
| Monster Parts | arm,head,leg,torso |
| Drops | branch from the Great Tree, super-strong air freshener |
| Manuel Entry | |
| refreshedit data | |
You're fighting a conservationist hippyAfter tromping through that godforsaken maze of brambles for what seems like forever, you finally emerge near the Great Tree. Marty was right -- it would make for some awesome hardwood flooring. And maybe a dinette set...
As you're looking for a convenient branch to cut off, though, you are attacked by another one of the weird beaver-men that protect the Tree, except this one's even bigger and uglier than the others... Wait a minute, that's not a beaver, it's a hippy in a beaver suit!
"Like, get away from that tree, man!" he shouts. "I'm here to protect Mother Gaia from you murdering squares!"
"What in the hell?" you ask. "What's with the ridiculous fursuit?"
"I figured it was the easiest way to get the swamp beavers to accept me. I mean, they're doing Gaia's work protecting the Great Tree and all, but they're so, you know... primitive. Not that I'm primitive-ist or anything! But like, they don't understand the modern world and the tricks that the lumber-industrial complex uses! They need my help to protect the tree!"
"Uh-huh. So you dressed up as a beaver to join their tribe? A beaver with, I'd like to point out, long eyelashes and a big pink bow?"
"Well sure, like, a male beaver would have been viewed as a potential threat to the tribe's power structure, but a female one could join the tribe without a lot of aggression and hassle, right? I mean, it sucks that they're governed by such an unenlightened patriarchy, but..."
"Okay, sure. And how's that lifestyle working out for you?"
"I don't want to talk about it!" he yells, with wild quaver in his voice. "You're just trying to distract and confuse me, man! My mission is to protect the Great Tree, and that's worth any indignities I might suffer, no matter how terrible! Now die, enemy of nature!"
Hit Message(s):
He grabs you in a bear (well, beaver) hug. What smells worse than a hippy? A hippy that's spent several weeks sweating inside of a heavy mascot costume in the middle of a swamp. Seriously, wow. Ouch!
He slaps you with his faux-beaver tail. It doesn't hurt, but you stumble and bang your knee on a rock. Argh!
He windmills his arms at you, poking you mercilessly with his hard plastic claws. Ooh!
Several swamp beaver warriors notice you beating up their "woman" and stomp the heck out of you for a bit. The hippy looks very conflicted about this. Ooh!
He grabs you in a bear hug, but you escape like some other animal metaphor. Water off a duck's back?
He slaps you with his tail, but since he made it out of a throw-pillow from someone's couch, it's not an effective weapon.
He tries to poke you with his hard plastic claws, but you push on his fake head and the eyeholes shift out of place.
He starts to attack you, but you imitate the swamp beaver mating call and he goes catatonic for a moment. (FUMBLE!)
 | You gain 32-48 Meat (average: 40, stdev: 3.65)* |
 | You acquire an item: branch from the Great Tree |
 | You acquire an item: super-strong air freshener |
Occurs at Swamp Beaver Territory.
