Danglin' Chad

Danglin' Chad
Monster ID	519
Locations	The Battlefield (War Hippy Fatigues)
Hit Points	320
Attack	210
Defense	189
No-Hit	220
Initiative	80
Meat	240-360
Phylum	orc
Elements	sleaze
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	head, arm, leg, torso
Drops	beer helmet, bejeweled pledge pin, Danglin' Chad's loincloth, distressed denim pants, kick-ass kicks, white class ring
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting Danglin' Chad

You hear a rustling from the leaves in the trees above you. Did I mention there are trees in this section of the battlefield? You catch a brief glimpse of a pastel-pink polo shirt with the collar popped, and some wraparound shades. Suddenly, a frat boy swings down from a branch straight at you! This must be the famous "Danglin' Chad," a frat boy who has killed so many brain cells through excessive beer consumption that he has started to devolve (is he not man? He is devo). He spends all his time swinging through trees and flinging his own filth. I highly recommend you don't shake hands with him.

Hit Message(s):

He lands on your shoulders and grooms you, eating all the bugs he finds. It grosses you out a little. Ugh! Eek! (sleaze damage)

He throws something at you. I won't describe it, because this is a family game, but it ain't pleasant when it hits you. Eek! Argh! Ow! (sleaze damage)

He swings down on a vine and kicks you in the <solar plexus> with his kick-ass kicks. Argh! Argh!

He leaps from the branches and lands square on your <solar plexus>. Ow! Oof! Argh! Ow!

Critical Hit Message:

He leaps onto a branch, beats his chest, yodels a little, then swings down at you, furiously flinging filth. You cower under the alliteration and the disgusting attack. Ow! Argh! Argh! (sleaze damage)

Miss Message(s):

He tries to groom you, but you don't have any tasty bugs for him to eat.

He tries to fling his filth at you, but you dodge the filthy attack.

He swings down on a vine, but misses you and crashes into another tree. He should have watched out for that tree.

He tries to leap down at you, but Ziggy says he can't leap until he tells his daughter he loves her.

Fumble Message:

He tries to swing down at you while beating his chest and flinging filth. Since he only has two arms, he succeeds only in falling off the vine and landing flat on his back. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You gain 240-360 Meat (average: 300, stdev: 24.9)*

You acquire an item: Danglin' Chad's loincloth (100% chance)*

You acquire an item: beer helmet (? chance)*

You acquire an item: bejeweled pledge pin (? chance)*

You acquire an item: distressed denim pants (? chance)*

You acquire an item: kick-ass kicks (? chance)*

You acquire an item: white class ring (? chance)*

You gain 55-56 <substat>.

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Occurs at The Battlefield (War Hippy Fatigues).

Notes

• This monster cannot be copied.
• Occurs between 801 and 900 frat casualties, if at all.

References

• Dangling Chad may refer to hanging chads of the 2000 (US) Election.
• The line about Ziggy refers to the TV show Quantum Leap.
• The line "is he not man? He is devo" refers to the Devo album Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!
• The phrase "He should have watched out for that tree" is a reference to George of the Jungle.
• The pink shirt and dangling from a branch may reference the John Knowles novel, A Separate Peace