Jerry Bradford
Jerry Bradford replaces the mainline quest bosses, with the exception of Ed the Undying, in a Pocket Familiars run. He uses a Penguin Goodfella named Tommy, a Garbage Fire named Arcanine and a Stab Bat named Edgelord.
"Hah! Guess you were after the Boss Bat too, huh? Looks like I got here first!"
Jerry Bradford is standing here with his collar popped and a sneer on his face. His pokéfam are sneering too, which is disconcerting.
"That fight was waaaaay too easy," he says, rolling his eyes. "I hope you'll be a little more of a challenge! Though from the look of you, I doubt it! Ha ha haa!"
---
"Hmph!" the kid snorts. "You just got lucky! And anyway I wasn't hardly even trying! Next time I see you, I'll show you what a real pokéfam battle is like!"
He chucks a wadded-up scrap of leather at you and stomps out of the Bat Hole. "Smell ya later, loser!"
 | You acquire an item: batskin belt (100% chance)* |
 | You acquire an item: dense meat stack (100% chance)* |
When you enter the throne room, you see that jerk kid lounging sideways in the throne, wearing the Goblin King's crown backwards.
"Hey there, loser!" he waves at you, smirking. "Looks like you were too slow again!"
"Who even are you?" you ask.
"Me? I'm Jerry Bradford! And you better remember that name, 'coz I'm gonna be the pokéfam champion!"
"The what?"
"Bet you want this sweet crown, huh? Well you'll have to fight me for it! Pokéfam style!"
---
"Bah!" Jerry scowls, chucking the crown at you. "Who cares about some dumb crown, anyway? That's small potatoes, compared to my destiny!"
He slouches over to the throne room door and kicks it open. "Smell ya later, loser!"
| | You acquire an item: dense meat stack (100% chance)* |
 | You acquire an item: Crown of the Goblin King (100% chance)* |
- If you have not already found it before this fight:
 | You acquire an item: Cobb's Knob lab key (100% chance)* |
You enter the Haert of the Cyrpt, and find that kid again. He's kicking around a large pile of dagon bones. "Oh, it's you. I should've expected," you say.
"Miss me?" he sneers.
"Yeah, sure Jeremy," you say.
"Jerry! Jerry Bradford! Didn't I tell you specifically to remember my name?"
"Whatever. Are you gonna insist on a pokéfam battle now?"
"Heck yeah I am!" he says. "Get ready to lose, loser!"
---
"Hmph!" Jerry snorts. "I wasn't hardly even trying anyway!"
"That's what you said the first time," you say. "Maybe you should give that trying thing a shot."
"You'll see!" he sneers, kicking some of the bones toward you. "I'm gonna be the top pokéfam champion in the world! Smell ya later!" he yells over his shoulder as he storms out of the Cyrpt.
 | You acquire an item: skull of the Bonerdagon (100% chance)* |
 | You acquire an item: chest of the Bonerdagon (100% chance)* |
As should come to no surprise by now, you find Jerry Bradford sitting on a huge dead yeti, adjusting his snowboarding boots. "Late again, loser!" he crows.
"I have a name, you know, Jerry," you say. "It's <name>."
"Pfft, like I care! You'll have to earn that kind of respect from me!"
"By kicking your ass a fourth time? Well, okay."
---
"No fair!" Jerry complains. "My goggles were all steamed up! Anyway, you just got lucky!"
"Yeah, I guess I've been real lucky lately," you say.
"I don't need this stupid yeti hide anyway!" he sneers. "When I become pokéfam champion, I'll have everything I need!"
"Everything except manners and likeability," you mutter as he snowboards away.
 | You acquire an item: Groar's fur (100% chance)* |
| | You acquire an item: dense meat stack (100% chance)* |
"Nice Mega Gem," Jerry Bradford sneers as you stride into Dr. Awkward's office. "Did you make that yourself? Mine's a genuine Swarovsky crystal."
"Dammit Jerry," you say, "When I didn't see you for like three levels, I kinda hoped I'd seen the last of you."
"Don't worry, loser," he says. "You're gonna be seeing plenty of me from here on out. I wouldn't want my rival to get lonely."
"Oh my god, you think I'm your rival? Is that what this is about?"
"What? No! I mean, uh -- you wish you were my rival! You aren't even close to my level!" he blusters. "C'mon, let's fight!"
---
"Nuts to this," Jerry grumbles, tossing the Staff of Fats at you. "I don't need to be wasting my time here anyway! Smell you later, loser! I'm gonna go train for the championship!"
"Maybe you could start by winning a single match," you call after him as he storms out of the office.
 | You acquire an item: Staff of Fats (100% chance)* |
"Sheesh, I was wondering when you'd show up," Jerry says as you enter Lord Spookyraven's summoning chamber. "This basement is super-boring and gross."
"You were waiting for me?" you ask.
"Uh, well, I mean," he stammers, "Well, that old fart didn't put up any kind of a fight at all, so I figured maybe you'd learned something since our last battle and could pose a halfway-decent challenge this time!"
"So like a bigger challenge than beating your ass every time I see you?"
"That was just luck!" he yells.
---
"Guess I got lucky again, huh?" you say.
"I just let you win that one so I could get out of this stinking basement faster!" Jerry snarls. "Here, take your crummy, stupid old gem!" He tosses the Eye of Ed over his shoulder as he stomps out of the summoning chamber.
 | You acquire an item: Eye of Ed (100% chance)* |
Jerry Bradford is in here, doing sick skateboard jumps over an ornate dais covered in mummy dust. "Good grief, Jerry, show some respect," you say. "This place is like, the ancient origins of pokéfam battles or something."
"Pfft! You sound like my grandpa," he sneers. "That stuff is for nerds! I don't have to care about the past, because I'm the future!"
"God help us all."
---
"Ugh! How do I keep losing to a loser like you?" Jerry whines.
"You know, if you'd stop calling me that, I might be willing to give you some strategy tips," you offer. "Anyway, it's becoming increasingly inaccurate."
"Up yours, loser!" Jerry shouts, skating away in a cloud of mummy dust. How rude!
 | You acquire an item: ancient amulet (100% chance)* |
As you're looking around for the leader of the Hippy forces, Jerry Bradford skates up. "I hope you learned something on the way here, loser!" he sneers. "'Coz now the real war begins!"
"Hi Jerry," you sigh.
"Enough with the formalities! Let's do this!"
---
"DAMMIT!" Jerry yells in frustration.
"Calm down, Jerry," you say. "It's just a... well, I guess it would be weird to say it's just a game, considering that we're forcing these weird animals and things to actually fight. But I mean, it's basically just a game."
"Oh yeah?? Well we'll see if it's just a game when I become the pokéfam world champion and give you the beatdown of your life!"
"I think before you can become world champion, you have to beat me a single time."
"Laugh it up, loser! Next time I see you, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy!" He skateboards away in a huff, leaving you shaking your head at the state of today's youth.
As you're looking around for the leader of the Frat army, Jerry Bradford skates up. "I hope you learned something on the way here, loser!" he sneers. "'Coz now the real war begins!"
"Hi Jerry," you sigh.
"Enough with the formalities! Let's do this!"
---
"DAMMIT!" Jerry yells in frustration.
"Calm down, Jerry," you say. "It's just a... well, I guess it would be weird to say it's just a game, considering that we're forcing these weird animals and things to actually fight. But I mean, it's basically just a game."
"Oh yeah?? Well we'll see if it's just a game when I become the pokéfam world champion and give you the beatdown of your life!"
"I think before you can become world champion, you have to beat me a single time."
"Laugh it up, loser! Next time I see you, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy!" He skateboards away in a huff, leaving you shaking your head at the state of today's youth.
"Ha ha ha! You're too late again, loser!" Jerry Bradford crows as you enter the Naughty Sorceress' chamber. "I defeated the Naughty Sorceress a whole ten minutes ago, and that makes me the pokéfam world champion!"
"What?" you say. "How does that even work?"
"She was the previous champion, duh! I beat her, so now I'm the champion!"
"Soo... all I have to do is beat you, like I have constantly and consistently been doing, and I become the world champion?" you ask. "Kid, prepare to be the shortest-term champion on record."
---
"Nuts," Jerry grumbles, then sighs. "You know, <name>, I think I've really learned a lesson through all of this."
"Oh yeah?" you say. "The lesson about treating your pokéfam well, or the one about perseverance in the face of adversity?"
"No, no. Neither of those."
"Just the usual lesson about the power of friendship, then?"
"No," Jerry says, shaking his head. "I think the lesson I learned today was... that you're a big dumb loser, loser! Smell you later!" He flips you double middle fingers, jumps on his skateboard, and ollies out of the Naughty Sorceress's chamber.
"Well," you say to the empty room as a loud crashing noise comes from the archway, "I learned that you shouldn't try to skateboard down a six-story spiral staircase when someone's been leaving banana peels on the steps."
 | You acquire an item: Instant Karma (100.0% if player is at level 13; otherwise, 0% chance)* |
 | You acquire an item: Thwaitgold metabug statuette |
References
- The character being your rival is a reference to the Gary Oak character from the Pokémon anime, which in turn is based off the character Blue from the Pokémon video game series. A common retort made by Blue is, indeed, "Smell you later!".
- Arcanine is indeed a type of fire-elemental Pokémon.
- Your mega gem being compared to a Swarovski crystal is likely a reference to Swarovski, a producer of crystals.
