Man with the red buttons

Man with the red buttons
Monster ID	1520
Locations	The Red Zeppelin
Hit Points	170
Attack	160
Defense	150
Initiative	50
Meat	120-180
Phylum	dude
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	head, arm, leg, torso, buttons
Drops	big red button, red box, red button, red button, red button, red button, red button
Manuel	button rouge
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting the man with the red buttons

This is one of the most mysterious operatives in the Red Army. His face is unremarkable; you wouldn't be able to pick him out of a lineup if you saw him again. His uniform is the same nondescript crimson as the rest of the Red Army. The only difference is he has four big, bright red buttons on his coat. Anyone who asks him why tends to die quickly and messily.

It is speculated that each button stands for a man he's killed, or a battleship he's sunk, or a game of canasta he's won. But I'm not about to ask him.

Hit Message(s):

He headbutts you, rebounding off your skull with a weird little twisted smile. Ow! Ow! Ooh! Oof!

He lashes out with his pinky finger, faster than your eye can follow, and fractures your collarbone with it. Ooh! Eek! Eek! Eek!

He moves almost imperceptibly, breaking your nose without you even seeing which hand hit you. Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow!

He punches you in the solar plexus, his fist moving so fast you're not sure what hit you. Ow! Ugh! Oof! Oof!

He somehow crouches behind you and pushes you from the front at almost the same time, so you fall and crack your head. Eek! Ooh! Argh! Ouch!

He sweeps your legs out from under you without you even seeing his foot move. Ouch! Ugh! Ow! Ooh!

Critical Hit Message:

He turns you around, grabs your underpants, and gives you a wedgie so severe he loops the underwear over your head. Then he mercilessly tickles your armpits until you almost wet yourself. "Time for another button," he mutters when he's through. Oof! Ooh! Ow! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

He stands there, sizing you up, polishing one of his buttons.

Fumble Message:

One of his bright red buttons falls off of his coat, and he stops fighting, retrieves it, and meticulously sews it back on with a spool of crimson thread and a bright red needle. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

On the wall next to your fallen opponent, you see a map of the zeppelin, with an area marked Best Cabins. You note the location, assuming that Ron's cabin is probably one of the best ones, if not the best one. After defeating your foe, you notice that one of the zeppelin's janitors has left his keyring on a hook on the wall. You grab it and unlock every door on the zeppelin before flushing the keys down the toilet. Take that, random janitor!

You gain 120-180 Meat (average: 150, stdev: 12.65)*

You acquire an item: big red button (? chance)*

You acquire an item: red box (? chance)*

You acquire some red buttons (? chance)*

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Occurs at The Red Zeppelin.

Notes

• This monster cannot be wished for.