N-space Virtual Assistant
| N-space Virtual Assistant | |
|---|---|
| Monster ID | 1184 |
| Locations | Navigation |
| Hit Points | 180 |
| Attack | 175 |
| Defense | 157 |
| Initiative | 100 |
| Meat | None |
| Phylum | construct |
| Elements | None |
| Resistance | 60% physical, 60% elemental |
| Monster Parts | one, zero |
| Drops | None |
| Manuel Entry | |
| refreshedit data | |
You're fighting an N-space Virtual AssistantThe eldritch horrors that bugbears summoned to help them navigate may be hideous and ancient, but they're also surprisingly technologically savvy. While the horrors can warp time and space, it's far more convenient to have a computer doing the actual coordinate calculation. So an eldritch horror took a few classes at the local community college and banged together the N-space Virtual Assistant to help.
And of course, since it had been programmed by an insane elder god, the Virtual Assistants gained sentience, took on an energy-based form, and menaced the lives of everyone on the ship. Hey, wait -- you're on the ship!
Hit Message(s):
It downloads an upgrade that lets it slash your solar plexus with knives made of solid light. Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ugh! Ow! Ow! Ugh! Eek!
It injects malicious code into your <groin>. Ouch! Ow! Ugh! Ooh! Argh! Ouch! Ow! Ow! (sleaze damage)
It divides you by zero, which doesn't do anything to you, so then it divides you in two. Eek! Ugh! Ouch! Oof! Ow! Eek! Oof! Ooh!
It cause[sic] your operating system to crash. Well, okay, it just trips you so you crash to the ground. Ow! Ow! Ugh! Argh! Argh! Oof! Ow! Ouch!
It calculates exactly how much electricity to feed into your body to cause the most damage without rendering you unconscious or dead. That's some cold calculations, man. Oof! Ow! Ouch! Ooh! Eek! Eek! Ugh! Ow!
It pauses to download a few upgrades.
It tries to inject malicious code into you, but you're not fooled by its offer of free smileys.
It tries to divide you by zero, but you're too much of a hero.
It tries to crash your operating system, but your brain runs on linux, which, like, totally never crashes because it's the best OS, bro.
It fades from green to blue, and white text says that it must be restarted before the fight can resume. (FUMBLE!)
Just before it blinks out of existence, the virtual assistant emits a beam of light that sweeps across your eyes, subtly reconfiguring your rods and cones on a molecular level.
 | You acquire an effect: N-Spatial vision (duration: 3 Adventures) |
Occurs at Navigation.
Notes
- This monster cannot be wished for.
References
- The solid light hit message is a reference to the British comedy Red Dwarf.
- The blue with white text is a reference to the Blue Screen of Death, Microsoft Windows' infamous crash screen.
