Sketchy van

Sketchy van
Monster ID	1503
Locations	A Deserted Stretch of I-911
Hit Points	1
Attack	Player's Moxie+3 (min 10)
Defense	Player's Muscle+3 (min 10)
Initiative	0
Meat	None
Phylum	construct
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	creeper, door, tire, windshield
Drops	can of Adultwitch™, Sketcherz™
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting a sketchy van

Man, this is the skeeviest looking van you've ever seen. I mean, most vans carry an air of either "I have far more children than necessary" or "I'm looking for far more children than necessary," but this one practically reeks of desperation and creepiness.

Whether the dude in there is just a shifty drifter, a drug dealer, or a guy with a bag of candy, you don't want to meet him.

Hit Message(s):

The back door of the van swings open, and you catch sight of some gross ancient orange shag carpeting. Then you get a close look as a patch of it flies out and into your face. Ow! Oof! Ouch! (sleaze damage)

The driver leans out the window and slaps your butt. Ew, man. Oof! Argh! Ow! (sleaze damage)

The driver leers at you, then licks his lips. It's super-gross. Ouch! Ooh! Oof! (sleaze damage)

The van runs you over, leaving tire tracks on your <elbow>. Ow! Oof! Ouch!

The van veers to your other side, and you see a particularly lewd and unsettling mural airbrushed thereupon. Ouch! Ugh! Eek! (sleaze damage)

Critical Hit Message:

The driver pelts you with hard candy. You wish he had used marshmallows instead. Ugh! Eek! Oof!

Miss Message(s):

You see the gross orange shag carpeting in the back of the van, and decline to shag there.

The driver leans out the window and winks at you, but you avert your eyes.

The driver leers at you, but you avert your eyes, and your butt.

The van tries to run you over, but the hare pulls you out of the way.

The van shows off a lewd and unsettling mural, but you decline to look at it.

Fumble Message:

The driver throws hard candy at you, but the hare pulls you out of the way. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

If you deal 0 Sleaze damage

The Hare looks at the smoking wreckage of the vehicle, then looks at you.

"Uhh... Thanks... I guess..."

If you deal at least 1 Sleaze damage

The driver of the van get skeezed out and speeds off. The hare grabs a skateboard from somewhere and skitches behind the van for a while, making some extra progress!

X Seconds Saved!

You acquire an item: can of Adultwitch™ (5% chance)*

You acquire an item: Sketcherz™ (2% chance)*

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Occurs on A Deserted Stretch of I-911.

References

• For older readers, sketchy has changed meaning.