Talk:Disco horoscopes

Start of a list of which message goes with which sign. It's unclear if they are shared or not.

??? Abandon hope for future plans.
??? After the apocalypse this week, the currency will be mustard. Start stocking up now.
??? An idle liver is the devil's plaything. Drink a case of bourbon before work this morning.
Leo Be nice to your BFF this week. I mean, you should every week, honestly.
??? Bet all your money on the West Marmotsward Point Insane Housewives to win the championship.
??? Beware Germans bearing gifts. Especially those holding a missile launcher behind their back.
??? Beware the Ides of November.
??? Beware the phlegmatic stranger, for he will borrow your alarm clock and never return it.
??? Capricorns are goats, and goats eat everything. Start with a pail.
??? Careful that you don't get shot by an evil stranger this week, if at all possible.
Gem Carry a miniature trebuchet around with you at all times this week.
Cap Concentrate on toning your obliques and your obliques this week. For the ladies.
Sco Despite what you may have heard, the stars say it is not unusual to see the rain coming down on a sunny day.
??? Do you really plan to leave the house dressed like that?
??? Don't cast your pearls before toads this week.
Aqu Don't eat eggs this week. They're just gross. Also, botulism.
??? Don't forget that Passionate Longing of the Warrior Witch is due back at the library.
??? Everything you know is wrong, and also half the battle.
Ari It's all going down at lunch time. Don't be late. And don't be too early.
??? Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Lib Libras are charming, diplomatic, and easy-going. So expect to be steamrolled by aggressive dickheads this week. And the rest of your life.
??? Maintain family relationships by not being such a twat.
??? Paint your foot mauve this week to ward off ebola.
??? Seriously, for real, look both ways when you cross the street.
??? That blind stranger on the bus has a very attractive sibling. Be nice and see where it gets you.
??? That feeling that someone's watching you? It's just Woody Santos pulling pranks again. That little scamp!
Aqa That irregular mole on your throat isn't cancer! It's something far, far worse.
??? The burning in your loins this week is directly related to the itching in your spleen.
Can The burning in your loins this week is directly related to the itching in your larynx.
??? The catatonic bumblebee under your bed is fine. Probably.
Vir The catatonic moose under your bed is fine. Probably.
Cap The Gray Wrench dominates your fortune this week. Interpret that as you will.
??? The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
??? The moon is passing through Libra. Be bold in your endeavors. Consider becoming a candlestick maker.
Vir The shortsword you pull out of a stone this week will not make you a monarch, but will be handy when the zombies attack.
Lib The stars have asked me to tell you that astrology is total bunk. Seriously, exercise some critical thinking and stop reading this horsecrap.
??? The stars predict that you will barely miss your guts anyway, so don't dwell on it.
??? The stars remind you that when the only tool you have is a crowbar, every problem looks like a nail.
??? The stars say that you should "wrap it before you tap it." They're probably talking about beer kegs.
Tau The stars say you should beware of the thing with the stuff. Sorry, they're kind of phoning it in this week.
Sco The stars say you should carve an olive into a scale model of a miniature trebuchet today. They don't say why.
??? The stars say your copy of Scarlet Yearning is a valuable original edition. Too bad you'd have to admit to owning it to sell it.
Aqu There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
??? This week you will discover that your roommate has just been a human-shaped pile of steaks this whole time.
??? This week you will unexpectedly... well, I can't tell you, otherwise it wouldn't be unexpected, and then there'd be a paradox.
??? This week your life will get younger and taller. Try to keep your head on straight.
??? Those jerks who voted you "most likely to intercede" were right. But they're still jerks.
??? To avoid catastrophe, fill a barrel with purple stuff and drink the whole thing.
Leo Trust your instincts today, unless they're telling you to do something dumb.
??? Try not to spill any tiger balm on your leg today. Avoiding doing so may be harder than you might expect, but try.
Pis Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.
??? Try to resolve a conflict between a frog and a canary today.
??? Under no circumstances should you carry a typewriter while swimming this week.
Gem Under no circumstances should you carry an abacus while walking this week.
??? You should check in with your grandfather this week, before you check out this week.
Sag You should get your ulna pierced this week with a platinum stud.
??? You will finally find out who shot JFK and J.R. this week, right before he shoots you.
Ari You will find a great treasure in his sandwich, or at least something that might surprise you.
??? You will meet the Prime Minister of Molehill, but what with the economy as it is, expect to go dutch.
??? You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
Gem You're taking a trip to the Emerald Plains this week. You won't see much of the sights, though, through that burlap sack you'll be shoved in.
??? Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
??? Your dream-self will travel to the Chestnut Skies this week. You won't get frequent-flier miles, though.
??? Your gluten intolerance is far more socially acceptable than your other intolerances. Keep those hidden deep inside you.
??? Your hay fever will get worse this week, as will your Saturday night fever.
Tau Your horoscope this week is more like a horrorscope, am I right?
Pis Your lucky numbers this week are 34, 35, 0, 0, 0, 0... huh, it's just 0 for the rest of the year actually. That's weird.
??? Your lucky numbers this week are 96, 28, 0, 0, 0, 0... huh, it's just 0 for the rest of the year actually. That's weird.
??? Your power move this week is the Antepenultimate Enigma. You should probably stretch before you try it.
Can Your significant other is looking to trade you in for a taller model. Maybe you should take up dodgeball.
??? Your spirit bird this week is the corrupted-ship-owl. Beware the wildebeest.
Can Your true love's name is Grant Adams. The stars apologize if that tells you something about yourself you didn't already know.
Sag Your true name is Fritzlas. Make sure to use it on all official documents.
Aqu You will feel a stabbing pain in the knee at some point this week, as that's the place someone will be stabbing you.
Ari Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep. (Weird Al)
Lib A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you. (Weird Al)
Cap Your life this week is governed less by the stars and more by the howling emptiness between them. Good luck, I guess.
Leo Try a new hobby this week, like collecting catfish, because why not?
Pis Oh man. No spoilers, but... maybe take an umbrella or something.
Sag Try to project your astral self this week, so you can look into the other gender's locker room without getting caught.
Sco Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. (Weird Al)
Tau Beware the full man, or you will be crappo bappoed.
Vir The stars predict you will buy a farm with a bucket this week. No, sorry, they predict you'll buy the farm and kick the bucket this week.
Aqu "Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day^[sic]
Aqu Avoid stairways this week. And escalators. And ramps. And buildings of any kind. Trust me.
Vir You're going to be the first one against the wall when the revolution comes. Sorry.
Ari Your career as an office clerk is about to really take off, much to your chagrin.

A highlight: I got "Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus" from a Pisces horoscope, which is the sign one would expect it to show up under per the Wierd Al song it references. --Foobar (talk) 22:22, 20 October 2013 (UTC)

I went ahead and edited the primary page, hopefully that will get more attention one way or the other. --Foobar (talk) 03:09, 22 October 2013 (UTC)

New Horoscope

I just got the following string from Aquarius. "Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day" This is notable to me, since it lacks a period at the end. Does (sic) apply here? Megamaw (talk) 23:24, 26 August 2018 (UTC)