The Council of Loathing/Actually Ed the Undying

When playing the special challenge path of Actually Ed the Undying, instead of seeking counsel with the Council (who aren't exactly amenable to your presence), you meet with your Spymaster, Amun.

• Initial text:

The large domed building in the center of town seems important -- perhaps there you can get some information about the identity of the thieving adventurer you're looking for.

As you approach the front door, you hear an urgent "Psssst!" from somewhere nearby. You look around, and spot a figure in a dark hooded robe, gesturing at you from around the corner of the building. As you approach him, he leads you into a nearby alley, then bows deeply. "It is a great honor to see you again, and to serve you, my great Pharaoh," he says in a dusty voice. You note that the face concealed in the shadows of his hood mainly consists of ancient bandages, with two glittering eyes peeking out from between them.

"Yeah, uh, I know I should know who you are," you say, "but I haven't left my burial chamber in a long time, so I'm fuzzy on a lot of the details."

"I understand, oh great Pharaoh. I am Amun, your Spymaster. My task is to gather information."

"Oh, good! I could use some of that. Some filthy adventurer made off with the Holy MacGuffin, can you believe it?"

Amun bows again. "It is as you say, oh great Pharaoh--"

"Listen, Amun," you say, holding up a hand, "you can skip the bowing and the Oh Great Pharaoh. It's been a long time since I ruled much in particular, and anyway it'll be embarrassing if anyone sees us. Just call me Ed." Noticing Amun's startled expression, you add: "Or 'boss', if that's too casual for you."

Amun blinks, then begins a bow which he cuts short to a nod. "As it please you, oh… boss. I have traced the adventurer <playername> to this town, which appears to have served as <their> base of operations. <They> had many dealings with the Council that resides in this building. I believe they sent <them> on a series of quests, though I am still working to discover their details."

"I see. Do you think they'll tell me if I ask directly? Visiting foreign dignitary, and all?"

The spymaster shakes his head. "Regrettably, boss, your kingdom has been all but forgotten. I do not recommend you interact with the Council yourself. The citizens of this place are quite blasé about visitors of strange appearance, but the Council are a bit more canny, and apt to ask too many questions."

"Okay, sooo… what, then?"

"I will find out what tasks the Council set for <playername>, so that you may retrace <their> steps. I believe this will eventually lead you to <them>."

"Sounds like a plan," you nod. "Do you have anything so far?"

"It seems that the Council's initial task for the adventurer <playername> was to seek an audience with a creature known as the Toot Oriole. My agents report that his nest is located in the Big Mountains to the east of here."

"All right," you nod. "That sounds like a good place to start."

• After receiving the letter to Ed the Undying:

"As yet I have no specific information," Amun says, "but it appears that the adventurer did spend some time at the Sleazy Back Alley and the Haunted Pantry here in town, as well as at the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob in the Nearby Plains. I could send some of my men to scout those locations, if it pleases you."

"Nah," you say, "you guys keep working on the Council stuff, I'll go check out those places. I need something to do anyway. I spent so long lying around in that sarcophagus, it's like I barely remember how my legs work."

"As you wish, boss."

• When no quests are available:

Amun shakes his head ruefully. "I must humbly apologize, boss, for I have no new information on the adventurer's travels at this time. Please return a little later."

• When wearing a V for Vivala mask:

"Nice mask, boss," Amun adds.

Quests

Level 2 (Spooky Forest quest)

• Initial text:

Although it's hard to make out his expression under the hood and bandages, the glitter in Amun's eyes makes him seem rather pleased with himself.

"I have been successful in gaining access to the Council's records, boss," he says. "There are quite a lot of them, and it appears that they had dealings with a large number of adventurers apart from this <playername>, but I have discovered the nature of the first task they set for <them>."

"Nice!" you say. "So what was it?"

"To bring them a mosquito larva."

"A… mosquito larva?"

"Yes. I am afraid I don't understand their reasons, but that was definitely <playername>'s first mission: to obtain a mosquito larva from the Spooky Forest, within the Distant Woods. Do you wish to investigate this matter personally?"

"Sure, why not. I haven't got anything better going on."

"Then allow me to mark the location of the Forest on your map," he says, and does so. "I will attempt to discern the purpose behind this quest while you are away."

• Subsequent times:

"Were you able to find a mosquito larva, boss?' Amun asks.

"No. Were you able to find out what the Council wanted it for?"

"No."

"Guess we'd both better get back to work then," you say.

• When returning with the larva:

You hand Amun the wriggling mosquito larva, and he looks at it blankly. "That is indeed a mosquito larva, boss," he says. "Well done."

"And?" you ask. "Why did the Council want it?"

Amun pushes the larva between the bandages covering his mouth, and chews it contemplatively.

"…Well?" you say after a moment.

He shrugs. "I've no idea."

"Terrific."

"However, I was able to acquire some of the meat that they use for currency in this country," he says, handing you a leather pouch. "I believe you will find it useful."

You gain 500 Meat.

Level 3 (Typical Tavern quest)

• Initial text:

"The Council's records show that the next quest they sent <playername> on was to the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods," Amun says, as he marks its location on your map.

"To do what?" you ask.

"That is not entirely clear, though it apparently has something to do with rats," he replies.

"Hmm. Well, I suppose I can ask around the place when I get there," you say.

• Subsequent times:

"Were you able to find any information at the Tavern, boss?" Amun asks.

"Oh, uh, I'm still working on that," you say. "I got a little distracted. Have you seen how many different kinds of booze they've got now? Back in my day, we had like three -- and one of them was just the other two mixed together."

"Yes, I recall your invention of 'beerwine', boss. I regret to say it was not my favorite of the three."

"No, yeah, I understand. It was an acquired taste."

Level 4 (Boss Bat quest)

• Initial text:

"I have discovered the nature of the Council's next task for the adventurer <playername>, boss," Amun says.

"Okay, lay it on me."

"<He|She> was tasked with slaying a creature called the Boss Bat, which resides -- or resided -- in the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains."

"Bat Hole. Got it," you say. "Any idea why?"

"The Council's records indicate, officially, that they were worried about the bat population becoming too large, and causing trouble with an intelligent and organized leadership," Amun explains, "but reading between the lines, it seems that one of the Councillors just really hates bats. "

"Huh. Well, all right then. I'll go check it out, I guess."

• Subsequent times:

"Were there any traces of the adventurer at the Bat Hole, boss?" Amun asks.

"I'm still looking into it. Hah, get it? Looking into it? Like looking into a big hole?"

"I'm pleased that time has not diminished your sense of humor, boss," Amun says in a neutral voice, his face unreadable behind the bandages.

• When returning after the quest:

"I'm back from the Bat Hole," you say. "It was… kind of weird."

"Did you find anything indicating where the adventurer might have gone, boss?"

"No, but I found this belt," you say, handing it to Amun. "The Boss Bat had it. Er, kind of."

Amun sniffs the belt. "This is made of bat skin, boss. The Boss Bat had a belt made from the skins of its own kind?"

"Yeah, like I said, it was weird. It was even weirder than that, actually. Nothing that told me much about the adventurer though. At least, not more than the fact that he was there."

Amun shrugs and hands back the belt. "Well, at least you got a free belt, boss. That’s something."

Level 5 (Knob quest)

• Initial text:

"The adventurer's next task," Amun says, "was to prevent a military action by the goblins of Cobb's Knob against Seaside Town. The adventurer was to accomplish this by assassinating the Goblin King."

"Wow!" you say. "This is what counts as diplomacy in this day and age?"

"You employed assassins yourself quite often, boss," Amun reminds you.

"Sure, but first I'd have a diplomat over to discuss the situation. And if I didn't like the answers he gave, I'd cook him inside a hollow bronze statue, and then I'd send assassins. There's a proper order to these things, you know."

"Modern times, boss," Amun says, shaking his head sadly. "At any rate, one of my men found this map inside the Council's files, but it is written in a code that we are unable to break without the proper encryption key."

"So if I want to have a look around this Cobb's Knob place, I'll have to decrypt the map, eh?"

"Exactly, boss."

"Sheesh, this is getting complex. Good thing I have all of eternity ahead of me."

• Subsequent times:

"Were you able to gain access to Cobb's Knob, boss?" Amun asks.

"Nope. Still can't figure out this map code dealie."

"Perhaps one of the guards on the Knob outskirts can translate it?"

"Well, sure, probably," you say, "but I don't think they're likely to do it for me no matter how nicely I ask."

"Nicely, boss?"

"Well, I… Oh. Okay, I see your point."

• Subsequent times after decrypting:

"How is the investigation of Cobb's Knob proceeding, boss?" Amun asks.

"Oh, it's, you know. Proceeding," you say. "Yup."

• After defeating the new Goblin King:

"Well, I investigated Cobb's Knob," you say. "Actually, I kind of killed their new king in the process."

"Really, boss?" Amun says. "Why did you do that?"

"Well, he sent his guards to attack me, and generally just seemed like a jerk," you say. "Plus, you know, kings. I've always been a little competitive in that regard."

"Did he know anything about the adventurer?"

"Shoot! I forgot to ask."

Level 6 (Friar's Quest)

• Initial text:

"The adventurer's next quest was to aid the Deep Fat Friars, in the Distant Woods. Apparently one of their mystic rituals went awry, and opened a portal to Hey Deze."

"To where now?"

"Hey Deze, boss. In most modern religions, it is where the souls of sinners go after death, to be tortured for eterntity."

"Wow, dang. And here I thought our gods were strict for just annihiliating people whose hearts weighed more than a feather. Eternal torture seems…"

"Overly brutal, boss?"

"Well, I was gonna say 'a waste of resources'. Like, don't the demons have anything better to do? But sure, overly brutal, yes."

"Regardless, perhaps these friars will be able to tell you more about the adventurer, boss."

"All right, I'll check it out."

• Subsequent times:

"How goes your exploration of the Deep Fat Friars' copse, boss?" Amun asks.

"Who? Oh, those weird monks? Right. I'll get right on that. Listen, do you remember that port town that used to be on the coast south of us? Where they had that giant library?"

"Trebeksandria, boss? Storehouse of your Empire's collected knowledge and wisdom?"

"Yeah, that was it! Did you know they built a huge shopping mall there?"

"The Great Library burned down centuries ago, I'm afraid, boss. It was a terrible loss."

"Sure, but on the bright side, you would not believe the overdue fines I had racked up."

Level 7 (Cyrpt Quest)

• Initial text:

"The next task that the Council assigned to the adventurer <playername>," Amun says, "was to investigate an ancient cyrpt near the Misspelled Cemetary. Their reports state that "an aura of extreme Spookiness" had begun to emanate from within it, and they asked the adventurer to investigate."

"All right," you say. "I can check that out no problem. I'm good with cyrpts. I mean crypts."

"Here," he says, handing you a strange device. "One of my agents was able to steal this from the Council's supply cabinet. It is called an 'Evilometer'; apparently it is able to detect evil undead beings."

"Hmm," you say, poking at a button labelled 'on'. The object starts beeping loudly and rapidly. "Ugh! I don't think much of the noise it makes!"

"I beg your pardon, boss," Amun says, taking it back from you. "I neglected to recalibrate it to account for your own undead and evil qualities." He pulls an instruction booklet from his sleeve and starts twiddling the dials on the little machine.

"Oh, yeah," you say, musing. "I guess I am undead, now that you mention it. In a sense, anyway. Evil, though?"

"Well," Amun says, handing the Evilometer back to you. "You did torture and kill quite a lot of people during your rule, boss."

"Sure, but that's just politics."

Amun shrugs. "I guess this machine has more modern sensibilities."

You acquire an item: Evilometer

• Subsequent times:

"Is your investigation of the Cyrpt going well, boss?" Amun asks.

"I'm working on it," you say. "It's weird to me how little ceremony they seem to use when burying their dead these days. I haven't seen a single pyramid. I think they're just chucking people into holes in the ground!"

"Well, boss, the graves you're seeing around here are for commoners. I know not how they bury their nobility."

"I bet they don't even pull their brain out with a metal hook," you complain. "Honestly, it's barbaric."

• Completion text:

"Any luck with the Cyrpt, boss?" Amun asks you."Nah," you say. "I had to fight a weird skeleton thing that attacked me. It didn't put up much of a fight, though. It seemed a bit... out of sorts."

"Perhaps a recent encounter with the adventurer we seek discombobulated it somewhat?"

"Discombobulated, yeah, you could say that."

Level 8 (Trapper Quest)

• Initial text:

"The next mission that <playername> was sent on," Amun says, "was to find a Trapper who had requested the Council's assistance. It seems that he lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, which is the tallest of the Big Mountains." He marks its location on your map.

"What was his deal?" you ask.

"Unfortunately, boss, the Council's files have no record of this. Perhaps if you locate the man, you could ask him yourself?"

"Okay, sure. I'm good at asking questions."

"It... might behoove you to not torture the man, boss," Amun says. "That might result in undue attention to our activities?"

"Bah. Okay, fine. Just talking, then."

• Subsequent times:

"Were you able to locate the Trapper, boss?" Amun asks.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, the guy in the mountains," you say. "Yeah, I'm dealing with that. No problem."

Level 9 (Chasm Quest)

• Initial text:

"My informants tell me that one of the Kingdom's minor nobles -- a man known as Black Angus -- requested aid from the Council, and they sent <playername> to his tower in the Highlands," Angus says, scanning a scrap of papyrus that he then tucks into his sleeve.

"So that was his next mission?" you ask.

"Indeed, boss. Allow me to mark the location of the tower on your map. It is on the other side of the Orc Chasm, but fortunately <playername> constructed a makeshift bridge spanning it, so access should not be a problem."

"Well, that's handy. This should be a breeze, then."

• Subsequent times:

"Were you able to find out anything from the Highland Lord, boss?"

"Oh, right," you say. "Thanks for reminding me. Totally slipped my mind."

Level 10 (Giant Quest)

• Initial text:

"The adventurer's next mission was to investigate a rain of giant garbage that was falling on the Nearby Plains," Amun says.

"Giant garbage?"

"It seems that there is a castle in the clouds above the Kingdom, occupied by a band of giants. They started throwing their trash overboard, for some reason. The adventurer was able to put a stop to this, though I have not learned how."

"I see. ...Oh! Is that why there's a giant beanstalk growing in the Plains?" you ask. "I'd wondered about that."

"That does appear to be how <playername> was able to gain access to the castle, yes boss."

"Weird! All right, I'll check it out, I suppose. I tell ya, Amun, these adventurers sure do get up to some crazy stuff. I don't remember anything like this happening in my day."

"Well boss, there was that time the crocodile-headed river god stole the sun, and you had to send your greatest champion to retrieve it."

"Oh yeah! Krhakhrohctep! Whatever happened to that guy? He was pretty badass."

"One day he just picked up a sword and wandered off into the desert, and nobody ever heard from him again."

"Yeah, that sounds like him all right. What a guy!"

• Subsequent times:

"How goes your assessment of the Giants' castle, boss?" Amun asks.

"Still ongoing. These missions that the Council sent this dude on are getting increasingly more complicated and ridiculous."

"Yes, boss, but on the bright side, the farther we can retrace his footsteps, the better our chance of finding him."

"Yeah. Man, I am gonna be ticked if it turns out he sold the Holy MacGuffin to some hobo or something."

"Perish the thought, boss!"

• Completion text:

"Any luck in the Castle in the Sky, boss?" Amun asks.

"Well, I found some traces of the adventurer on the Giants' kitchen counter, but it didn't tell me much," you sigh. "Honestly, this is starting to look like a wild goose chase."

"Maybe this will cheer you up: one of my agents found this giant plastic fork in the Council Hall basement, and stole it for you."

"Uh, okay. Weird. Well, it's the thought that counts, right? Thank him for me."

Amun bows. "He will be greatly honored, boss."

You acquire an item: giant discarded plastic fork

Level 11 (MacGuffin Quest)

• Initial text:

"Good news, boss!" Amun says, and though you can't see his face, you can hear the excitement in his voice.

"You found <playername>?"

"Not quite, but we're catching up with him. It seems that the next task the Council sent him on was to steal the Holy MacGuffin!"

"Aha! That is good news! Do you know what happened to it?"

"The file regarding that mission is heavily redacted, I'm afraid," Amun says, shaking his head sadly. "You'll have to retrace the adventurer's steps as before. However, this will give you an opportunity to review your security procedures."

"My what now?"

Amun points at the Staff of Ed you're carrying. "Your staff, boss. The adventurer was able to gain access to your pyramid, because he was able to recover the pieces of the Staff of Ed from its guardians."

"Ahh, right," you say, eyes narrowing. "Guardians who could use a firm talking-to about their job performance."

"Exactly, boss. And you might as well re-hide the pieces of the Staff while you're at it." You hand Amun the staff, and with some deft movements he separates it into its three component pieces, which he hands back to you.

"Who actually are these guardians, Amun?" you ask. "I'm a little out of touch."

"I'm ashamed to admit it, boss, but I'm not sure myself. The pieces of the Staff had a geas placed upon them, such that any who held one was compelled to conceal and protect it, but the pieces were then handed down through family lines, lost, stolen, recovered and hidden so many times by so many different parties over the years, their actual route became impossible to discern."

"And yet the adventurer found them."

"Indeed. So, if you can retrace the adventurer's movements, you should be able to locate these guardians in much the same way."

"So where do I start?"

"<playername> was able to locate the pieces of the Staff using his father's diary as a guide. It appears that the man was a noted archaeologist, who had been on the trail of the MacGuffin for many years. Someone in the Distant Lands found the diary, and <playername> travelled there to retrieve it."

"And where is this diary now?" you ask.

"Unknown," Amun shrugs. "Probably <playername> still has it. But, my agents in the Distant Lands were able to locate the man who gave it to him, and luckily, the rogue had made a copy of it for his own gain. My agents were able to... acquire this copy.

Unfortunately, you'll need to travel there to pick it up. And even if you had any travel documents, boss, they'd be a bit out of date."

"Wonderful. So, again, where do I start?"

"I am told that there is a specialist in forged travel documents in the area. More specifically, he operates out of a Black Market, which can be found somewhere near the Black Forest." Amun marks the location of the forest on your map.

"So, find the Black Market, get travel documents, travel to the Distant Lands and get the diary copy, and then I can go track down the so-called 'guardians' of the pieces of my staff, give them a piece of my mind, and re-hide the staff."

"That is correct, boss. And while you're doing that, I shall work on tracing the adventurer's movements after he recovered the Holy MacGuffin."

"You'll certainly have enough time, it sounds like."

You acquire an item: Eye of Ed

You acquire an item: ancient amulet

You acquire an item: Staff of Fats

• Subsequent times:

"Have you finished dealing with the guardians of your Staff, boss?" Amun asks.

"Still working on it. Amun, I'm not so sure about handing my staff back to the idiots who lost it in the first place. Do you think maybe it would be better, security-wise, to just get a bank safety-deposit box or something?"

"That would work in the short term, boss, but it is the course of eons we must consider. Civilizations fall, and banks with them."

"Yeah, I suppose you have a point."

Level 12 (War)

• Initial text:

Amun scratches his head in puzzlement while reading a scrap of parchment. "What's up?" you ask him.

"Well, boss, this is a report from one of my spies. It seems that <PlayerName>'s next task was to infiltrate one of the factions that live on the Mysterious Island nearby, and start a war."

"Interesting. How'd it go?"

"Successfully. The war ended with the annihilation of the losers, who were reduced to primitive cavemen. But there's something strange…"

"What's that?"

"Well, they seem to have recovered already. My agents on the island report that both of the societies on the island -- the hippies and the frat boys -- are carrying on as though nothing untoward ever happened. It seems these people are so simple, rebuilding their society from scratch is a matter of days, and they spend their days so intoxicated that they barely even remember."

"Huh," you say. "Weird. You think I should go check it out?"

"I'm not entirely certain that it will serve any useful purpose, boss, but yes. I feel that we're very close to our goal now, so we should stick to the path as we have followed it thus far. In fact, I would encourage you to start a new war between the hippies and frat boys."

"Really? Why?"

"Honestly, I'm just interested to see what happens."

"Fair enough. I'm sort of curious myself."

• Subsequent times:

"Have you been able to start a war on the Mysterious Island, boss?"

"Mmm, no, I'm still just sort of looking around. You know, infiltrating. Getting the lay of the land. And so on," you say.

"I see," Amun says, nodding slowly.

"… Look, I'm working on it, all right? Don't do the passive-aggressive guilt thing on me, I'll have you beheaded."

"I would not dream of it, boss."

• After starting the war, but before finishing it:

"Well done, boss," Amun says. "My agents report that the war on the Mysterious Island is going nicely."

"Yep!" you say. "Got 'em fighting like cats in a sack. Just like the old days, eh?"

"Indeed. For the sake of expediency, though, I propose that we push the war to its conclusion as quickly as possible."

"By killing a lot of dudes?"

"Indeed. And if killing soldiers individually proves to be too time-consuming, perhaps you can enlist some of the non-combatant populace?"

"Got it."

• After finishing the war:

"Well done, boss. With the war at an end, we can continue on with more urgent tasks, while my agents observe the Island's inhabitants. Documenting the reconstruction of their societies may provide us with some interesting insights into the functioning of these modern people."

"It was good fun," you reply. "Been a long time since I got my hands dirty on the front lines like that. Since umm… you know, that one guy, the one with the elephants."

"Indeed, boss. By the way, my agents all chipped in and we got you a little something to commemorate your victory." He hands you a little box, which you open to reveal a shiny medal.

"Aww, you guys! How sweet!"

You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]

Level 13 (Sorceress's Tower)

• Initial text:

"Boss, we've finally done it!" Amun says, barely able to contain his excitement. "We've found <playername>!"

"What? Really?"

"Yes -- one of my agents spotted <him|her> entering the tower of the Naughty Sorceress a short while ago. And more importantly, <he|she> has not reemerged."

"Well now," you say, rubbing your hands together. "That is something. Do you think this 'Naughty Sorceress' might have beaten <him|her>?"

"She is known to be quite powerful, boss, but I believe the chances are slim."

"Good. Wouldn't want anybody kill-stealing on me. Where is this tower?"

"I will indicate on your map, boss," Amun says, doing so.

"All right." You take a deep breath and crack your knuckles. "Time to show a jumped-up errand-<boy|girl> what happens when you cross Ed the Undying."

• Subsequent times:

"Boss! You're back! How did it go?"

"Hmm?" you ask.

"The fight! With <playername>! Did you recover the Holy MacGuffin?"

"Oh, right! I knew I forgot something! Sorry Amun, I got sidetracked."

"…Boss, there's this condition that the modern doctors are calling 'attention deficit disorder'…"

"Look, I'm going, all right?"

• After defeating <playername> the Adventurer:

"Welcome back, boss," Amun says. "How did it go?"

"Well," you say, "I've got good news and crap news. The good news is that I beat that adventurer's ass but good. The crap news…"

"Is that <he|she> didn't have the Holy MacGuffin?"

"Yeah. I guess I'm not surprised that you already know."

"I found a reference to it in the Council's files while you were gone. They have a secret warehouse they use to store valuable or dangerous magical artifacts and other things they wish to keep out of 'the wrong hands' and in their own."

"That's modern governments for you. I always figured the best way to keep things out of the wrong hands was to cut them off."

"Fortunately, boss, I've managed to discover the location of the warehouse." He marks its location on your map, then adds, "I must warn you, it will be heavily guarded."

"Yeah, well, I just started and finished an entire war by myself, and then beat up the self-proclaimed 'baddest adventurer in all the land'. I think I can probably handle it…” you say, then look at your map more closely. “Wait a minute. That’s the mountain where that bird I went to talk to lives. Where I found that letter from the jackal demons?"

“That’s correct,” Amun nods. “There is a cave there called ‘Noob Cave’. There is a secret entrance to the warehouse in back of it.”

“So that explains all the crates. Those sneaky so-and-sos. All right, I’m on my way.”

Amun nods. "Good luck, boss."

• Subsequent times, after beating <playername>:

"Have you had any luck retrieving the Holy MacGuffin, boss?" Amun asks.

"It's tougher than I expected. You weren't kidding about it being heavily guarded," you reply.

"I have faith that you will be successful, boss."

"No, yeah, totally. I'm just, you know, taking a short break. Gotta stay fresh."

"Indeed, boss."

• After retrieving the Holy Macguffin:

"Boss!" Amum exclaims. "You did it, didn't you? You retrieved the Holy MacGuffin!"

"I did indeed do that," you say, sounding rather pleased with yourself.

"Can I, um… Can I see it?"

You glance around to make sure you're alone, then show the MacGuffin to Amun. He gives a low whistle.

"It's beautiful," he says, in awe. "…Er, what is it, exactly?"

"It's something for you to not ask questions about."

"I understand, boss," he nods.

Sensing his disappointment, you sigh. "Look, Amun… you're a good dude, and you did a hell of a job, so I'll let you in on a secret. I don't actually know what this thing is."

Amun blinks, surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah. Look, you know how I was ticked at those three morons that lost the pieces of my Staff? Because they had one job, and they screwed it up? Well, looking after this thing is my one job. The Holy MacGuffin -- I'm the one that gave it that silly name, because I haven't got a damn clue what's so important about it. Only that it is very, very important."

"I see. Do you think you'll ever find out, boss?"

"Beats me," you shrug. "Anyway, I'd better get it back to my tomb. Thanks for your help, Amun." The two of you shake hands. "Good luck with… er, whatever it is you do when I'm not around."

Amun gives you a deep bow as you leave the alley.

• Subsequent times:

You’ve already said your goodbyes to Amun. It’s time to take the Holy MacGuffin home.

References

• The giant library in "Trebeksandria" is a reference to the Library of Alexandria coupled with a pun on Alex Trebek, host of the trivia-oriented television game show Jeopardy!.