When playing the special challenge path of Avant Guard, the text from The Council of Loathing refers to the presence of bodyguards throughout the Kingdom. Also the Council has its own bodyguards.
- As you enter the council chambers, a bodyguard slams you against the wall and starts patting you down for weapons. "No, no, it's okay!" says the councilman. "That's one of our adventurers. :I'd recognize that look of resigned bafflement anywhere."
- The bodyguard releases you with a grunt. "What's going on here?" you ask, dusting yourself off. "What's with all the bodyguards?"
- He shrugs. "Just one of those things, really. The Boss Bat has always had bodyguards, right? Well, some adventurer decided to get a bodyguard too, and somebody else saw that and got :their own bodyguard, and then the monsters noticed and they got bodyguards... yahda yahda yahda, everybody has a bodyguard now."
- "You're saying it's... a fad? Or an arms race?"
- "Both, basically. Like tamigotchis for paranoids. Which reminds me, be sure to keep yours fed. Like I said, the monsters have them too."
- "Swell."
- "Oh, you'll do fine. What could go wrong? Go hit up the Toot Oriole like usual, and come back when you need something to do."
- After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
- "Welcome, Adventurer! It looks like you've got some business to take care of before we put you to work. Some mail to read, perhaps? Be sure to have your bodyguard check it for anthrax first."
- "I am pretty sure the Toot Oriole did not put anthrax in this letter he left for me," you say.
- "Yes, well, if there's one thing I've learned from having a bodyguard, it's that you can't be too cautious. My bodyguard has emphasized that fact to me repeatedly."
- After reading King Ralph's note:
- "We don't have anything you can help us with right now, Adventurer. Why don't you go show your new bodyguard around town, so he can map out possible escape routes?
- "You could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains.
- "Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.
- "Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. Definitely a good place to have a bodyguard along."
- When no quests are available:
- "Unfortunately, there are no more tasks required of you by the Council at this time. Excuse me, my bodyguard has a playdate with another councilor's bodyguard, so I need to go"
- "Return later, when you are more experienced. Maybe get some more muscle on that bodyguard, as well. That's just general advice though, not a new quest unlock requirement."
- As soon as you enter the Council Building, you find yourself on the floor, with the Councillor's bodyguard pointing a gun in your face, and your bodyguard pointing a gun in his face.
- "No no! Down, boy!" the Councillor yells. "It's just a mask that adventurers insist on scaring me with for laughs. Down! Heel! Good grief, <playername>, what were you even thinking?"
- The bodyguards, growling, grudgingly put their guns away.
Quests
- "We require your aid, Adventurer -- we need a mosquito larva."
- "And I suppose you aren't going to tell me why?" you ask.
- "I can actually tell you this time -- the science guys are experimenting with insect proteins to try and make a nutritive Bodyguard Chow, so that the sudden doubling of the population doesn't put too big a strain on our food sources."
- "Eurgh!"
- "Yeah, gross, right? Remember that, next time I ask you to fetch a mosquito larva and don't tell you why -- it's always gross, and I'm doing you a favor by not telling you. Anyway, in case you've forgotten, the best place to find a mosquito larva is in the Spooky Forest, which is found in the Distant Woods. I'll mark it on your map for you."
- "We still need a mosquito larva, Adventurer. Please find us one, in the Spooky Forest."
- "Will the mosquito larva have a bodyguard?" you ask.
- "No, because that isn't a combat encounter. Come on, be serious."
- When returning with the mosquito larva:
- "Thanks for the larva, Adventurer. We'll put this to good use. By making a--"
- "No, don't explain it again, thanks," you interrupt."[sic]
- "We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. I'm sure he'd reward you if you took care of it for him."
- "Doesn't he have a bodyguard?" you ask. "That sounds like a prime situation for a bodyguard to take care of."
- "Sure, but he's only one guy. All the rats have bodyguards too, remember."
- "..."
- "The owner of the Typical Tavern is still bugging us about his rats-with-bodyguards problems. Perhaps you could help him? And his bodyguard?"
- "The Council requires another task of you, Adventurer. You must slay the Boss Bat. He can be found in the deepest part of the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. In a way, he's the one who started this whole bodyguard mess. It's not like killing him will put a stop to it, but at least he'll suffer some consequences."
- "You have not yet slain the Boss Bat. He can be found in the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. Your bodyguard will probably not be thrilled about going in a place that doesn't have multiple exits, so you'll just have to remind him who's in charge."
- After defeating the Boss Bat:
- "Well done! You have slain the Boss Bat. Or did your bodyguard do it for you? No no, I'm just teasing a little. Obviously I don't have any room to talk."
- "We've gotten word, Adventurer, that the Knob Goblins, who normally keep to themselves over at Cobb's Knob, are planning a major bodyguard action against Seaside Town."
- "...Do you mean 'military action'?" you ask.
- "Well, yes. But at least half of that military would be the soldiers' bodyguards, so..."
- "..."
- "Anyway, we need you to go deep into the Knob, and nip this problem in the bud, so to speak, by neutralizing the Goblin King."
- "And his bodyguards?"
- "Naturally. But, come on, he's always had guards. He just has, you know, more of them now. Stop interrupting. Our spies have determined that there is a secret entrance that will allow you to access the inside of the Knob. They recovered this map, but nobody knows how to read it. You'll need to figure out how to decrypt the symbols on it if you're going to find that entrance."
- Before accessing the inside of the Knob:
- "You need to find your (and your bodyguard's) way into Cobb's Knob, Adventurer. Try looking around the Outskirts for a clue that might help you figure out that map we gave you. Or maybe your bodyguard can just beat it out of a guy."
- After accessing the inside of the Knob:
- "We still need you to neutralize the Goblin King, Adventurer!"
- "And his--"
- "And his bodyguards, yes!"
- After defeating the Goblin King:
- "Thank you for slaying the Goblin King, Adventurer."
- "And his--"
- "And his bodyguards, yes. But look, I'm not going to pretend that the bodyguards were of equivalent importance. And anyway, you necessarily had to kill them in order to get to the Goblin King at all, so it hardly needs to be said."
- "The Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having a problem -- one of the experiments has gone awry, and fey creatures have invaded their grove. Please lend them your assistance."
- "Well, don't they have bodyguards?" you ask.
- "Yes, of course they have bodyguards. But the friars' bodyguards are busy guarding the friars' bodies, and can't be running around trying to fix things, you know?"
- "Okay, yeah, I guess that's true."
- "The Deep Fat Friars (and their bodyguards) still require your assistance. You can find them (and their bodyguards) in the Distant Woods."
- "Recently, an aura of extreme Spookiness has begun to emanate from within the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary. We fear that some horrible monster has taken up residence there, with some bodyguards, and begun to rile up the local undead, and their bodyguards.
- "Would you and your bodyguard be so good as to investigate? This device should help. We only have the one, and I'd prefer if you held onto it yourself rather than letting your bodyguard use it. It's kind of delicate, and those guys are just so burly, I'm afraid he might accidentally crush it in his meaty grip."
- "The Spookiness still emanates from the Cyrpt, Adventurer. See if you can find and destroy the source, and the source's bodyguards, and bring us back proof of your conquest."
- After defeating the Bonerdagon:
- "Aha! So the Spookiness was coming from this abominable creature, was it? Well, you have our thanks, Adventurer, for your courageous act of undefilement. And thanks to your bodyguard too, because positive reinforcement is important for their training."
- "Adventurer! We've received an urgent letter from the Trapper, requesting our assistance. It must be something pretty bad, if his bodyguard can't take care of it."
- "Or maybe, as we've established, these bodyguards don't actually do anything useful?" you complain.
- "Hush!" the Councillor says, clapping his hands over his bodyguard's ears. "Don't let them hear you say things like that! They'll get all sad and mopey! A mopey bodyguard is super useless!"
- "sigh All right, fine. Just give me the map marker for Mt. McLargeHuge, then."
- "You still have unfinished business with the Trapper, Adventurer. And, you know, his bodyguard. Or maybe your bodyguard has unfinished business with his bodyguard?"
- "Sorry to trouble you with this, Adventurer, but we've gotten a... shall we say... cryptic message from Black Angus, one of Loathing's minor nobles. Actually, judging from the handwriting, the message is probably from B.A.'s bodyguard, taking dictation. Look, he wrote the R's backwards, it's adorable. Completely unreadable other than that, though. Could you do us a favor and go to his tower in the Highlands and see what this is about? The Highlands are just on the other side of the Orc Chasm. We'll mark it on your map."
- "Your name is <playername>, right? This came in the mail for you. Fortunately, it's just a leaflet, or the bodyguards would've had to check it for letter-bombs or rattlesnake eggs."
- "...Rattlesnake eggs?"
- "Look, if you don't get that joke, it's because you're too young. Not because I'm too old."
- "The Highland Lord, Black Angus, still needs your help, Adventurer."
- "Can't he just send his bodyguard out to get his pizza or whatever it was?" you ask.
- "Oh my no. A bodyguard would never agree to that. Union rules."
- "Something is amiss, Adventurer. The Nearby Plains are filling up with giant piles of garbage, and despite our best efforts, and our bodyguards' best efforts, and the sanitation department's best efforts, and the sanitation department's bodyguards' best efforts, it keeps falling from the sky faster than we can clean it up. We need you and your bodyguard to figure out where it's coming from, and put a stop to it."
- "Please try to figure out where this garbage is coming from, Adventurer! Every time something new falls out of the sky, all our bodyguards freak out and try to shoot it. It's really unhelpful! Perhaps you can find a clue by poking around the Nearby Plains."
- After completing the quest:
- "We're not sure what you did, Adventurer, but the garbage finally stopped falling. Thanks a lot!
- "Oh, by the way -- we found this in the garbage when we were cleaning up, and thought you might have some use for it. Be sure to wash it first, though, as your bodyguard might find the smell distracting and upsetting."
 | You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- "Ah, <playername>, excellent timing. We've just received a message from the Distant Lands -- it seems that your father, the renowned archaeologist, has gone missing."
- "What about his bodyguard?" you ask.
- "...I can't tell if you've actually gotten into this whole bodyguard schtick, or if you're just cracking wise here. But yes, if your father had a bodyguard, that bodyguard is also missing. Anyway, your father was obsessed with tracking down an ancient relic known only as the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind his diary, which you'll have to travel to Distant Lands to collect. However, you -- and your bodyguard -- are going to need passports to get there, and our passport offices are currently overwhelmed due to their workload suddenly doubling. So, you'll have to get some fake documents from the Black Market in the Black Forest instead.
- "Once you've retrieved your father's diary, we request that you use his notes to track down the Holy MacGuffin for us, as an item of such power will obviously be of great help to our bodyguards in their fight against the Naughty Sorceress's bodyguards. Good luck!"
- "Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit, so we'd appreciate it if you'd get on that right away."
- "What about his bodyguard's diary?" you ask.
- "Okay, now I'm pretty sure you're making fun of me. Look, if I don't constantly remind you about the fact that everyone and everything has a bodyguard now, what else is there to say? I'm trying to mix things up and keep it lively for you, here."
- "No, seriously, I'm actually curious. Do you think my father's bodyguard left behind a series of riddles and clues that my bodyguard is going to have to solve?"
- "I think it's more likely to just be a shopping list of bullets and a reminder to pack an extra pair of sunglasses."
- After completing the quest:
- "Wow! You actually brought back the Holy MacGuffin, <playername>? That's pretty darn impressive -- well done! Now we can pack it in an unlabelled wooden crate and stash it in a secret warehouse full of similar crates somewhere where it's likely that no one will ever see it again. Thanks for your help!"
- "That's it?" you ask. "That's pretty anti-climactic."
- "Well, usually we'd throw you a ticker-tape parade..."
- "I think you mean, usually you'd come up with an excuse for not throwing me a ticker-tape parade."
- "Yes. And this time, the excuse is that the bodyguards won't let us because parades are a security nightmare, especially what with how the parade route goes right past the old schoolbook depository."
- "Okay, I guess that's a pretty reasonable one. Can I get some confetti anyway?"
- "Oh of course."
- "Adventurer, we have heard rumors that trouble is brewing on the Mysterious Island of Mystery. The hippies and frat boys are agitating for war. I mean, they've always been a little tense with each other, but now it's getting serious. We couldn't be happier.
- "We'd like you to go over there and make sure that war starts. We don't care how it starts and we don't care who wins, so there's basically no way for you to screw this up, so long as you don't accidentally negotiate a peace accord. Try not to do that."
- "Is a war actually going to help you this time?" you ask. "I mean, it's just going to be their bodyguards fighting it out, right?"
- "Oh, not at all -- the bodyguards won't fight unless the bodies they're guarding are right there on the battlefield, you know. They're bodyguards, not mercenaries. Very important distinction."
- Both his bodyguard and yours nod gravely at this.
- "Hey, have you managed to start the war on the Mysterious Island yet? If you can't get them sufficiently worked up, try assassinating Franz Ferdinand. Historically, that tends to work."
- "Sure, if I can get past his bodyguard," you say, rolling your eyes.
- "He doesn't have a bodyguard, because it isn't a combat encounter. We've been through this before."
- "Hey, you did it! You started the war! Great job!"
- "And now you want me to finish it, I suppose?" you ask.
- "Sure do!"
- "There are so many people on that battlefield!" you complain. "This is going to take forever!"
- "Well, that's what the side quests are for. Uh, I mean, maybe you can find some other residents on the island to help you out."
- After defeating the hippies:
- "Good job, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smelly hippies and their smelly bodyguards. ...Well, their bodyguards probably weren't smelly. Unless the bodyguards were also hippies. Or at least ex-hippies -- can't very well be both a bodyguard and a hippy, there's a real conflict of interest there. Anyway, I'm rambling.
- "Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head."
| You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- After defeating the frat boys:
- "Great work, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smug bastard frat boys and their bodyguards who, let's be honest, were probably really wrestling with wanting to kill them themselves, but unable to do so because of their Bodyguard's Code. It would of course be really weird and morbid of me to say that you did those bodyguards a favor by killing them, but I think it's undeniable that you put them out of their misery.
- "Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head."
| You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- After defeating both sides:
- "Congratulations, adventurer! You've managed to get both sides to wipe each other out. No more stinky incense or sleazy pick-up lines, and you've also created a poignant metaphor of the futility of war. You've also culled the bodyguard population massively, which is great -- we were headed for ecological disaster from bodyguard overpopulation, and you've given us a lot more breathing room in that regard.
- "Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head.
- "Adventurer! We've recently received word that the Naughty Sorceress is holding some sort of contest. We don't know what it means, but we know it doesn't mean anything good, and as such, we have decided that it is time for you to embark upon your final quest. Seek out and destroy the Naughty Sorceress, who has plagued these lands for so long, and rescue King Ralph XI, whom she has imprismed."
- "What about his bodyguard?" you ask.
- "Who, King Ralph? He doesn't have one."
- You take a second to chew on this. "...King Ralph, the one guy on this entire island for whom it was completely reasonable and and actually necessary to have a bodyguard... doesn't have one? Every single other idiot in this place has a bodyguard, but not the actual king?"
- "Yeah, what can I say? He's old-school. Doesn't take to fads."
- "Be strong, Adventurer! You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress!"
- "And her bodyguards."
- "And, as you say, her bodyguards. I guess it's possible she doesn't have bodyguards? What with already being pretty well-defended in that tower and all? But if I had to guess, I'd say yeah, bodyguards."
- "Mm-hmm."
"Anyway, you'll find her Lair just east of the Nearby Plains."
- After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
- "Congratulations, Adventurer! You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and brought peace to the land again. Just look how relaxed my bodyguard looks now!"
- "He looks exactly as chiseled out of stone as always," you say.
- "Ahh, that's just coz you don't know him like I do. Anyway, I notice you left the king imprismed up there. If you want to be rid of all these bodyguards everywhere, freeing the king would be the way to accomplish that. Everyone really gets that "Oh crap, Dad's home!" energy whenever he comes back."
