The first thing you should do is visit the Toot Oriole, who lives atop Mt. Noob, in the Big Mountains. Since you're a fancy Big City world-traveller, he probably won't have much he needs to tell you, but he'll give you some stuff to help you get started out in our weird fantasy kingdom. Some gems or something. Do you still have "gems" in the big city, or is it all paper now? Maybe a plastic card with a stylized picture of a gemstone on the front? No, don't answer, that was a rhetorical question. All my questions are rhetorical.
After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
I see you haven't read the letter from the Toot Oriole yet. Maybe you aren't accustomed to archaic technology like "letters"? It's what people used before email. Oh wait, you're from 1928. Well, it's what people used before telegrams.
After reading King Ralph's note:
I'd like to start you out on your "Tourist Activities" right away, but you should probably be a little stronger first. Yes, like I said before, tourism around here is really more like adventuring. If you didn't want to get your hands a little dirty, you should've gone to the French Riviera instead. Why don't you look around the immediate neighborhood and get your bearings, maybe get a little blood on your knuckles as well?
You could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains.
Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.
Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. That one isn't in the Michelin Guide, just so you know.
When no quests are available:
I'm afraid I don't have any more "Tourist Quests" for you right now. I'm sure you can find something to do until I think of one, though.
Come back later, when your "Tourist Rating" has gone up a bit.
We require your aid, Adventurer! Or 'tourist' if you prefer, but I find the drama of a hearty "We require your aid, Adventurer!" helps set the tone of the whole thing, you know? Your first quest is to find a mosquito larva and bring it back here to me. Now, I'm sure you have some questions, like "What?" or "Why?" or maybe a simple "Huh?", but let me address that by saying: no questions. And I can see from the look on your face that you were maybe expecting a more typical fantasy starting quest like killing a bunch of rats -- rest assured, we'll get to that one. For now though, go to the Spooky Forest in the Distant Woods, and bring back a mosquito larva.
We still need a mosquito larva, Adventurer. Or more precisely, you do. Look, you want the full adventurer experience, don't you? Well, you gotta start somewhere, and that somewhere is a puddle in the Spooky Forest.
When returning with the mosquito larva:
Well look at that, you've brought back a mosquito larva! Nicely done, you're an official adventurer now. That's something you can take a little pride in, like successfully buying a mass-produced souvenir for slightly less than base tourist price. Don't try haggling around here though, this isn't one of the countries where they do that. We don't even have a button for it.
Okay, now it's time for the truly authentic adventurer experience -- a quest to kill X rats. What's more, they're in the basement of a tavern! You can't get any more fantasy adventure than that, let me tell you. I bet now you're glad you didn't go to Venice, or whatever we call Venice in this universe. "Canoe Town", probably. Anyway, the tavern is in the Distant Woods -- the owner will give you the details when you get there.
Subsequent times:
Ah, well, now you've really proven yourself to be an authentic adventurer, by forcing me to reiterate simple instructions for you. Good job. The quest is to go to the Typical Tavern in the Distant Woods, and kill a bunch of rats for the owner.
Okay, this next quest is another important milestone for a fantasy adventurer -- your first quest with an actual Boss Fight. Well, I guess the tavern does have a boss of sorts, but he's optional, I think? It's been a really long time since I actually read how these quests work, and the wiki is down right now, so let's just assume this is gonna be your first boss. He's called the Boss Bat -- handy, right? Easy to remember. He's in the deepest part of the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. Back in the day you used to have to bring back proof that you'd killed him, but now we just go by the honor system. Just come back here when you've finished the job, and I'll know whether you've done it or not. I guess it's not so much an "honor system", more of a "surveillance state".
Subsequent times:
Remember how I said I'd know whether you'd killed the Boss Bat or not? Well, I may just be a simple medieval fantasy town council guy, unfamiliar with your big city ways -- like, I dunno, airplanes? Fire departments? Voting? -- but I do know that you haven't killed that big bat yet.
After defeating the two-headed shadow bat:
You killed the Boss Bat! Nice work! Seems like you're adapting to the situation pretty well -- "going native", I guess people might say, if it didn't sound vaguely racist. Now that I know you can handle youself, I'll have some more complicated quests for you. Maybe in the very next paragraph, if you've hit level 5 yet. Otherwise, you'll have to come back later. Is the level-based gating a little strange to you? I guess they don't do that in the modern age of 1928, huh? Well, just think of it as a conversation-based trigger except I'm not going to have the conversation with you until your number is high enough.
Okay, it's time for you to get down to some real wor-- uh, fun and relaxing tourist quests. Bear with me, I'm still adjusting to the idea of someone coming here as a tourist. Here's the deal: we're in a sort of constant state of cold war with the Knob Goblins from Cobb's Knob -- oh, you don't know what a "cold war" is yet, do you? 1928. Okay, well, in this case all you need to know is that we keep it from becoming a hot war by repeatedly having their king assassinated before they organize enough to actually try anything.
Here's the map. See the squiggles on it? That's some kind of code that you'll need to decrypt to find out how to get inside the Knob. It would make things a lot easier if any of the adventurers ever explained how the code works to us instead of just cracking it on their own and keeping that information to themselves... but, well, that's how it goes. Good luck!
Subsequent times, before accessing the inside of the Knob:
Have you gotten inside Cobb's Knob yet? Still working on the map? Well, if you keep looking around the Outskirts you should find a key to it eventually. Just think of it as one of those fun tourist scavenger hunts where you have to find the severed mouse heads or whatever.
After accessing the inside of the Knob:
How's the goblin quest going? Be very careful inside Cobb's Knob -- that place isn't, like, a theme-park attraction, the guys in there will definitely kill you if they get a chance. I mean, enemies everywhere in this country will try to kill you, and some of them right here in town, but I think the Knob Goblins actually look forward to it. It's the only reason I can think of that they've never changed their security procedures.
After defeating the goblin king's shadow:
You successfully killed the Goblin King? Great! Don't worry about anyone finding out that you murdered a foreign dignitary while you were on vacation -- what happens in Loathing, stays in Loathing. We don't have any extradition treaties.
Let's see, the next thing on the itinerary we've prepared for you -- no charge, it's part of the standard tourist package -- is to meet with the Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods. Apparently they're having trouble with some sort of demonic invaders coming out of mysterious portals. Ah, I see from the look on your face that's something you have experience with. Great! I'm sure you'll do just fine.
Subsequent times:
We still need you to deal with that Deep Fat Friar thing. Have you tried the hell ramen yet? It's a classic of local cuisine, despite the main ingredient coming from a terrifying invading force. Sort of like if there was a traditional Korean dish made of 13th-century Mongol eyebrows. Goes to show why we keep needing so many adventurers around here, I guess.
I hear you're not unfamiliar with some spooky goings-on, is that right? Got your horror chops, one might say? I think this one will be right up your alley. No tentacles involved though, and if that's a downside for you instead of an upside, I don't want to know. Here's the summary: in the Misspelled Cemetary, there's an ancient cyrpt that's recently developed an extremely spooky aura -- what you might call "a real bad vibe". Or, well, in forty years you might call it that.
Anyway, it's been riling up the local undead, more than their baseline amount of riledness, and we need you to investigate. And when you've finished investigating, we need you to fix it. Here, take this technological gizmo with you, it might help.
The Spookiness still emanates from the Cyrpt, Adventurer. If you've been putting it off due to PTSD from your spooky adventures back home, I can understand that, but it doesn't get you off the hook I'm afraid.
After defeating the shadowboner shadowdagon:
A bonerdagon, eh? Well, well! I bet they don't have those in the big city, do they? I bet they don't even have regular dagons. ...Fish people? What does that have to do with anything? No, don't explain, if they're anything like the fish people we've got around here, I don't want to know. Just be glad those guys are totally optional and not part of the Council's quest line.
Let's see, what's next... oh, the Trapper! Do you still have fur trappers in 1928? ...Swamp leather? Huh. Gross. Well, you'll be glad to know that this guy lives up a mountain -- Mt. McLargeHuge we call it, basically the exact opposite of a swamp. There's a ski slope up there too, might be the most typically vacation-y spot you're gonna find here. So that's fun!
The guy you want to talk to is named... well, I don't actually know his name, we just call him The Trapper. Go find him, he'll tell you what he needs.
Subsequent times:
We got a call from the Trapper -- do you have phones yet, by the way? They're really useful, I recommend them. ...Why are you so surprised we have phones? Oh, oh right, fantasy. Well, they're probably magical phones. The contracts are certainly demonic. What were we talking about? Oh right, the Trapper. You should finish whatever his quest was.
The next item on your To-Do list -- let's pretend that's short for "Tourist Doings" -- is to deal with a guy called Black Angus, a minor noble who rules over basically nothing, from a tower on the other side of a big crack in the ground. I have no idea what his purpose is, to be honest. If there's ever an "Avatar of Black Angus" dealio, it's gonna be a real exciting one I'm sure.
Anyway, please go see what he wants. The tower is on the other side of the Orc Chasm, and you'll have to make your own bridge because all the previous adventurers who made their own bridges did not use very sturdy materials.
You name is <playername>, right? We got some mail for you. It's addressed to your hotel, but since we don't have a hotel here and you're living in a tent in a big field, they delivered it to the Council building instead. How is the campsite, by the way? Hope you're getting along with your thousands of neighbors.
Hoookay, this is an elaborate one. Not the most elaborate one -- that's the next one -- but it's up there. Probably doesn't help that all the information I give you is that there's giant trash falling out of the sky at the Nearby Plains, and you need to stop that from happening. I can't shake the feeling though, that somehow, you already know how this works. And hey, if you've forgotten, the wiki is back up.
Subsequent times:
I don't know exactly how far you've gotten in the Giant Trash quest, but I do know you haven't finished it yet. I don't even need magic surveillance to know that, because there's still garbage everywhere.
After completing the quest:
I'm not sure what you did, but the trash has stopped falling! Don't tell me -- nobody ever tells me, and I don't really want to know. Preserve the mystery for me. Anyway the cleanup crew found this thing, and since I have no other use for it, I'm giving it to you as a souvenir.
Okay, here we go, this is the big one... hmm, actually, the next one might be the big one. But this is the complicated one. We've gotten word that your father-- hang on. Someone's handed me a note.
Uncle? You have a missing uncle? Who travels around looking for weird artifacts? Wow, okay, that's bizarrely perfect!
We've gotten word that your uncle was looking for something called the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind a diary with his research notes and instructions that it should be given to you, but it's in the Distant Lands, and you need a passport to get there. And no, the passport you used to get here will not work for this purpose. Stop looking at me like that, this is serious.
What you need to do is, find the Black Market, which is somewhere in the Black Forest, get some forged identity papers, and then travel to the Distant Lands via the Travel Agency at the Shore, and get the diary. Then use your fa-- uncle's research notes to track down the Holy MacGuffin, and bring it back here.
Have fun!
Subsequent times:
Any luck getting your uh, your uncle's diary? And finding that artifact? C'mon, this should be easy for you, it's like your entire thing.
After completing the quest:
Wow, you actually found the Holy MacGuffin! Nice! I wonder if we ever figured out what that thing does. Well, whatever.
And hey, guess what? You actually get to have a parade! Usually, when I have custom lines, the adventurer I'm talking to is made of terrifying jelly or there's an apocalypse of some sort going on, and we can't actually do the parade. But I don't see anything like that to stop us this time! Let's go! This'll be great!
Okay, sooo... look, before I give you this next quest, let me ask you something first. Where you're from, have they invented the Geneva Conventions? ...No? Perfect.
There's a little island off the coast that would be a really great place for a tourist resort. As I'm sure you've noticed, we do not have many of the usual tourist comforts around here, and we're gonna need some if we're gonna attract more people like you to visit -- or rather I should say, people unlike you, people who just want to be tourists and aren't willing to be trick-- uh, coerce-- uh, encouraged to become adventurers instead.
So, we need that land. The bad news is, it's already occupied by a bunch of frat boys and hippies. The good news is, the frat boys and hippies hate each other, which maybe gives us the opportunity to get rid of at least half of them. All you need to do is go over there and start a war.
Oh, don't look at me like that. It's not like I'm asking you to assassinate their king. Yet.
Subsequent times:
Any luck starting that war? Well yeah, I know it isn't exactly heroic, but I never said you're a hero. You're an adventurer, that's very different.
After starting the war:
Great, you started the war! Now go finish it. No no, no peace accords. I mean, help one side win.
Please try to do it quickly, so the clean-up crews can get rid of all the bodies before tourist season. Good job not coming during tourist season by the way, that was very economical of you.
After defeating the hippies:
Great job clearing all those smelly hippies off the island! I bet you're glad you won't have to deal with any more of those guys for another few decades.
Here you go, you're a decorated war hero now. Just, when you get back home, don't tell anybody why.
<playername>, I've got to say, it's been a pleasure working with you. You've done a great job around here, and now it's time for the big finale. The big climactic quest that's gonna be the capstone of your vacation scrapbook, or slide projector reel, or social media thread, or whatever. I have already forgotten what time period you're originally from.
Here's the deal: The Naughty Sorceress, who is in some unclear way responsible for the disappearance of our king and the arrival of all the monsters hassling this kingdom, is holding some sort of contest at her tower next to the Nearby Plains. We need you to win that contest, get to the top of the tower, and defeat the Naughty Sorceress once.
What's that? "Once and for all?" No, that isn't how things work around here.
Subsequent times:
Hi! I am not really going to have anything new to say to you until you've defeated the Naughty Sorceress.
After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
You did it! You've defeated the Naughty Sorceress!
What's that? It wasn't the NS, it was some other villain you knew from back in the city? Oh, huh. That's weird. Oh well, doesn't matter to me one way or the other!
Another thing that, if I'm being brutally honest, doesn't really matter to me one way or the other, is that you left the King imprismed up at the top of the tower. You might want to go ahead and free him. There's no hurry, though.
