Once you're accustomed to the Big City, you should go see the Toot Oriole, who lives atop Mt. Noob, in the Big Mountains.
After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
Hey there, er, "pardner". Looks like you've got a fancy telegram (what we call a "letter") from the Toot Oriole. Why don't you go ahead and read that before we get down to business.
After reading King Ralph's note:
We don't have anything you can help us with right now, pardner. You should go explore a little, get your bearings, and come back when you're a little stronger.
You could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains.
Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks. You know, like "Iron Horse" tracks.
Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. Do they have alleys where you're from? It's basically a gap between two large buildings.
When no quests are available:
Sorry pardner, we don't have any particular tasks for you right now. Check back later.
Come back when you've gotten more used to the Big City, pardner. Maybe we'll need to "round up a posse" or something.
Okay Cowboy, here's the first thing we need you to do: go find us a mosquito larva. Are you familiar with those? Probably not, since they don't live in the god-forsaken desert. It's like a little wriggly thing. You can find one in the Spooky Forest, which is in the Distant Woods. Here, I'd better write this down for you.
Subsequent times:
We still need a mosquito larva, pardner. Please find us one, in the Spooky Forest.
When returning with the mosquito larva:
Thanks for the larva, pardner. We'll put this to good use. No, don't worry your rustic little head about it.
We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern -- sorry, "Saloon" -- in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. I'm sure he'd reward you if you took care of it for him.
Subsequent times:
The owner of the Typical Tavern is still bugging us about his rat problems. Go round them up, or rustle them, or whatever you do, okay?
The Council requires another task of you, pardner. You must slay the Boss Bat. He can be found in the deepest part of the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. Slay him, and return to us with proof of your conquest. Like, I dunno, his scalp or something. You're probably into that.
Subsequent times:
We're still waiting on you to kill the Boss Bat. It's not meant to be a duel or anything, you don't have to wait 'til "High Noon". He can be found in the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains.
After defeating the Boss Bat:
You really did kill the Boss Bat! Good going! We used to have some fancy leather belts we'd give away as thanks for that kind of thing, but it looks like we're out. Oh well!
We've gotten word, pardner, that the Knob Goblins, who normally keep to themselves over at Cobb's Knob, are planning a major military action against Seaside Town. You know, they're "on the warpath".
We need for you to go deep into the Knob, and take care of the Goblin King. Basically, we want him "Dead or Alive", except really we just want him dead.
Our spies have determined that there is a secret entrance that will allow you to access the inside of the Knob. They recovered this map, but nobody here knows how to read it, so I am 100% certain you don't either.
You'll need to figure out how to decrypt the symbols on it if you're going to find that entrance.
Subsequent times, before accessing the inside of the Knob:
You need to find your way into Cobb's Knob, pardner. Try looking around the Outskirts for a clue that might help you figure out that map we gave you.
After accessing the inside of the Knob:
We're still waiting for you to kill the Goblin King, pardner. If you need motivation, just imagine he stole your horse or something.
After defeating the Goblin King:
Good job killing the Goblin King, pardner. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're so good at this, since you come from a place that's known for being violent and lawless.
Okay um, how do I explain this one to you... See, there're these guys in the Distant Woods called the Deep Fat Friars. I think you'd call them "Rev'rends" or something. Anyway, one of their rituals went bad, and they raised a devil, except literally. And a lot more than one. So we need you to ride out there and sort it out.
Subsequent times:
The Deep Fat Friars still need help. Better hop along, Cassidy.
Recently, an aura of extreme Spookiness has begun to emanate from within the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary in the Nearby Plains. We fear that some horrible monster has taken up residence there, and begun to rile up the local undead. They're "makin' a ruckus", you might say.
Head on over there and check it out for us, okay? Here, I'll loan you this... jeez, how do I explain it to you... you know a dowsing rod, right? Like a forked stick you guys use to find water, as if that were a real thing? Well think of this as a dowsing rod for evil.
Say, here's just the job for you -- we got a letter from a fur trapper out in the mountains. He seems like somebody you could relate to, right? Why don't you "git along little doggie" and go see what he wants?
He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big Mountains. We'll mark it on your map for you.
Subsequent times:
According to our Big City magic, you've still got unfinished business with the Trapper.
Hey, sorry to interrupt your calf-roping or branding or wagon-circling or whatever, but we've gotten a message from one of the local nobles, a lord named Black Angus. 'Lord' is a political thing, I guess the closest title you'd be used to is 'Governor', or something like that. Anyway he's a pretty important guy so I probably shouldn't entrust this to -- let's be honest here -- a country bumpkin, but you've been doing a pretty good job so far I guess. Just go see what he wants, it's probably not that complicated. Here, we'll mark the place on your map.
What was your name again, pardner? <name>? Here, we got some mail for you, somehow. Funny how it's on real paper and not bear skin or something.
Say, did you notice all that garbage out on the Nearby Plains? Since you're new around here, I figure I should point out that it's not usually like that. I'd ask you to go clean it up for us, but maybe if you could find out where it's actually coming from and stop it at the source, that would be more efficient.
Subsequent times:
We're still waiting on you to fix that whole garbage situation out in the Nearby Plains. Giddyap!
After completing the quest:
Was it you that fixed the whole giant garbage situation? Well I'll be an armadillo's great-aunt, or some other similar down-home colloquialism. Here, have a piece of garbage as a memento of your fine work.
Ah, <name>, excellent timing. We've just received a letter from Out West. It has to do with your father, the "renowned archaeologist"... probably more like a prospector, am I right? Does he have his own mule? Anyway, he's gone missing. Apparently, his life's work was to track down an ancient relic known only as the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind his diary, with instructions that it was to be delivered to you, but he didn't leave any funds to pay for shipping. Presumably the international shipping companies wouldn't accept raw gold nuggets. So, you'll have to go pick it up yourself.
You can travel there from the Travel Agency at The Shore, but there's a slight hitch -- the area you're going to requires a passport for entry, and we can't issue you one because you aren't actually a native resident. You'll have to acquire some forged identification documents from the Black Market instead. We're not entirely sure where the Black Market actually is, but it's probably near the Black Forest. We'll mark that on your map for you.
Once you've retrieved your father's diary, we request that you translate the ramblings and tobacco stains it presumably contains, and if there's any actual information about the Holy McGuffin in there we'd like you to go find it and bring it back to us, as an item of such power will obviously be of great help to us in our fight against the Naughty Sorceress and the other evils that plague our land. Good luck with that!
Subsequent times:
Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit, so we'd appreciate it if you'd get on that right away. If it helps with the sense of urgency, just imagine there's a twister a-comin', or something like that.
After completing the quest:
Wow! You actually brought back the Holy MacGuffin, <name>? That's pretty darn impressive, especially for a backwoods country bumpkin. ...I'm sorry, I guess that's pretty insulting of me. Let's say "backwoods country hayseed" instead. Anyway, thanks for your help! We held a parade in honor of the MacGuffin's arrival, but I think everyone assumed someone else would tell you about it. We saved you a handful of confetti, though.
Hey there, cowpoke -- we've got another job for you. We've heard rumors that trouble is brewing on the Mysterious Island of Mystery. The hippies and frat boys are agitating for war. I mean, they've always been a little tense with each other, but now it's getting serious. We couldn't be happier.
We'd like you to go over there and make sure that war starts. We don't care how it starts and we don't care who wins, so there's basically no way for you to screw this up, so long as you don't accidentally negotiate a peace accord. Try not to do that.
Subsequent times:
Hey, have you managed to start the war on the Mysterious Island yet? I can't imagine it'd be very difficult, especially for someone with such a lawless and violent background. If you can't get them sufficiently worked up, try assassinating Franz Ferdinand. Historically, that tends to work.
After starting the war:
Excellent work, pardner! You've finally managed to get those idiots to fight each other. Now you've got to make sure the battle ends before the tourist season. I mean, would you rather go visit the "beautiful tropical island" or the "body-strewn war zone?"
Well, there's no accounting for taste. We happen to believe most people would prefer the beautiful tropical island. Get out there and rack up some casualties so we can get this over with, will you? Scratch that itchy trigger-finger of yours.
If you're not making enough progress, you should try helping some of the other denizens of the island. Unlike every other fantasy Kingdom in the world, if you're stuck you should visit every location and talk to everyone. Remeber: talk before shoot.
After defeating the hippies:
Good job, pardner! You finally rid the island of those smelly hippies. You probably didn't notice yourself, but those guys really do stink. The tourist trade is going to boom without them hanging around!
Now, if only there were something we could do about the frat boys. Oh well, at least they make good margaritas.
Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head. And yes, it's real, you don't have to bite it to make sure.
You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
After defeating the frat boys:
Great work, pardner! You finally rid the island of those smug bastard frat boys. The tourist trade is going to boom now that travelers don't have to worry about being forced to do beer bongs while being paddled. Now they can choose to be paddled without doing a beer bong or vice versa!
Now if only there were something we could do about the hippies. Oh well, at least they're mostly non-violent. As long as you don't get close enough to smell them, they're okay. You probably didn't notice the smell, but trust me.
Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head. And yes, it's real, you don't have to bite it to make sure.
You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
After defeating both the hippies and the frat boys:
Congratulations, pardner! You've managed to get both sides to wipe each other out. No more stinky incense or sleazy pick-up lines, and you've also created a poignant metaphor of the futility of war. Don't worry, we're sure that last bit was an accident.
Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head. And yes, it's real, you don't have to bite it to make sure.
Howdy, pardner! We've recently received word that the Naughty Sorceress is holding some sort of contest. We don't know what it means, but we know it doesn't mean anything good, and despite the fact that your chances of winning are probably zero plus or minus negative zero, we have decided that it is time for you to embark upon your final quest. Seek out and destroy the Naughty Sorceress, who has plagued these lands for so long, and rescue King Ralph XI, whom she has imprismed.
Her lair is east of the Nearby Plains. Good luck! We're all rootin'-tootin' for ya!
Subsequent times:
Giddyap, cowhand! You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress, so that we don't have to ask someone more valuable to do it! You'll find her Lair just east of the Nearby Plains.
After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
Congratulations, pardner! You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and brought peace to the land again. Say, did you know she was your mother?
Nah, just kidding. Nobody knows who your mother is. Anyway, I notice you left the king imprismed up there. It would be horrible if you left him there, because then the monsters would continue to fight adventurers and we would continue to have absolute power throughout the land. Yup, that sure would be a drag.
I guess you should probably go free him, though. But, y'know, take your time. If there's anything really important you have to do first, like flossing your horse or whittling, just go ahead and do that.
