When playing the special challenge path of Dark Gyffte, the text from the Council of Loathing refer to your vampyric condition.
- "Say, it's a new Adventurer! Welcome, welcome! Boy, we sure can use... hey, you're looking rather pale. Are you all right?"
- "Something weird happened while I was reincarnating," you say. "I think maybe I'm a vampire now?"
- "Ah. Yeah, that happens once in a while." One of the Councilors pokes around in a cabinet and hands out strings of garlic to the others, which they all hang around their necks. "How are you feeling? Excited to dominate the human cattle and rule the night, or anything like that?"
- "What? No, I just feel like a normal adventurer. I just wanna do quests and stuff."
- "Okay, great! No problem, then. Luckily for you, an arbitrarily-long eclipse just started, so you won't have to worry much about that whole sun thing. Your first order of business should be to visit the Toot Oriole. He lives atop Mt. Noob, in the Big Mountains. Don't drink his blood."
- "I wasn't gonna!"
- "Cool, cool. Just making sure."
- After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
- "Welcome, Adventurer! Once you're read that letter the Toot Oriole gave you, we'll find something for you to do."
- After reading King Ralph's note:
- "We don't have anything you can help us with right now, Adventurer. You should go explore a little, get your bearings, and come back when you're a little stronger. Except not because you've been drinking the townsfolk, okay?"
- "I'm not going to--"
- "You could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains.
- "Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.
- "Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. But you didn't hear it from us.
- When no quests are available:
- "Unfortunately, there are no more tasks required of you by the Council at this time. Blah! Blah!"
- "That's not funny," you grumble.
- "Ha ha, sorry."
- Return later, when you are more experienced.
- "Aw, jeez. Please take the creepy mask off, it's bad enough already that you're a vampire."
Quests
- "We require your aid, Adventurer. We need a mosquito larva -- we figured that'd be up your alley because, you know, mosquitoes."
- "That's kind of..." you hesitate. "Well, not racist, but..."
- "In any case, the best place to find a mosquito larva is in the Spooky Forest, which is found in the Distant Woods. We'll mark it on your map for you."
- "We still need a mosquito larva, Adventurer. Please find us one, in the Spooky Forest. Come on, you should feel right at home there."
- When returning with the mosquito larva:
- "Thanks for bringing us a mosquito larva. Hope you aren't feeling like you've betrayed your own kind."
- "Hey! That is super offensive!"
- "Well, don't get any ideas about taking revenge. We've been chugging bitter apple, so I guarantee our blood tastes terrible."
- "We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. I'm sure he'd reward you if you took care of it for him. Plus, y'know, free lunch!"
- "You're talking about the rats, aren't you."
- "Yummm!"
- "The owner of the Typical Tavern is still bugging us about his rat problems. Perhaps you could help him? Just don't drink his blood."
- "I'm not going to drink his blood!"
- "Mm-hmm."
- "The Council requires another task of you, Adventurer. You must slay the Boss Bat. He can be found in the deepest part of the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains. Slay him, and return to us with proof of your conquest."
- "I feel kind of weird about you sending me out to kill a giant bat," you say.
- "Why? If you were a regular human and we sent you out to kill a human bandit, that wouldn't be weird, right?"
- "Well, no, but..."
- "Good luck!"
- "You have not yet slain the Boss Bat. He can be found in the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains, but you can probably just sense his presence with your spooky bat powers, right?"
- After defeating the Boss Bat:
- "Well done! You have slain the Boss Bat!"
- "Actually, it was some crazy musclehead with a whip," you say. "He tried to kill me, too!"
- "Ah, well, you'll get used to that. Comes with the territory, pretty much."
- "We've gotten word, Adventurer, that the Knob Goblins, who normally keep to themselves over at Cobb's Knob, are planning a major military action against Seaside Town. We need for you to go deep into the Knob, and nip this problem in the bud, so to speak, by neutralizing the Goblin King."
- "By 'neutralize' you mean kill, right?" you ask.
- "Yeah, probably. Or drink his blood, or make him your cursed thrall, or whatever."
- "Wait, I can do that?"
- "Anyway, our spies have determined that there is a secret entrance that will allow you to access the inside of the Knob. They recovered this map, but nobody knows how to read it. You'll need to figure out how to decrypt the symbols on it if you're going to find that entrance."
- Before accessing the inside of the Knob:
- "You need to find your way into Cobb's Knob, Adventurer. Try looking around the Outskirts for a clue that might help you figure out that map we gave you. Maybe you could sneak around in spooky mist form? Can you do that? Actually maybe don't tell me if you can do that."
- After accessing the inside of the Knob:
- "We still need you to neutralize the Goblin King, Adventurer! I imagine goblin blood probably tastes weird, but you can still stab him or something."
- After defeating the Goblin King:
- "Thank you for slaying the Goblin King, Adventurer. I don't need to know the grisly details."
- "There aren't any," you say. "Another one of those whip guys killed him before I got there and ambushed me."
- "Hmm. See if you can get his business card next time, they sound like they're pretty good at this stuff."
- "Hey!"
- "The Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having a problem -- one of the experiments has gone awry, and fey creatures have invaded their grove. Please, Adventurer, lend them your assistance."
- "Wait," you say, "are they, like, church friars? Priests?"
- "Yeah. Why?" asks the Councilor. "...Oh, right. Holy symbols."
- "Yeah. Well, plus just generally they probably won't like me?"
- "I wouldn't worry about it, these guys are basically non-denominational. And you'll be helping them become non-demoninational. Ha ha."
- "The Deep Fat Friars still require your assistance. You can find them in the Distant Woods. Don't drink their blood."
- "Stop that!"
- "Hey, so, we've got another job for you. It's, uh... well, there's good news and there's bad news."
- "What's the good news?" you ask.
- "It's in a crypt. Specifically, the Cyrpt near the Misspelled Cemetary in the Nearby Plains. You like crypts, right?"
- "I feel like I should be annoyed by this, but honestly yeah, crypts are pretty cool. What's the bad news?"
- "It's way too spooky and evil in there, and we need you to make it less evil." The Councillor shrugs. "Sorry about that."
- "...Look, I'm not evil. Do you not get that?"
- "Well, that's just what a vampire would say, isn't it?"
- "I'm not sure that's true!"
- "Anyway, here's a gizmo we've got for detecting evil things. You might have to turn the gain down so it doesn't just detect you all the time."
- "The Spookiness still emanates from the Cyrpt, Adventurer. See if you can find and destroy the source, and bring us back proof of your conquest. Unless that source is you?"
- "It's not me, dammit!"
- After defeating the Bonerdagon:
- "So the Bonerdagon was up to its old tricks, eh? We figured that was probably the case, but we like to leave it as a surprise. Thanks for taking care of it for us."
- "Well, again, it was actually killed by an angry vampire hunter that was waiting for me," you say. "Do you know anything about these Helker guys?"
- "Mmm... nope, never heard of 'em."
- "There's a whole family of them after me! This one said the first one was his great-great-grandfather, but that guy couldn't have been any older than like thirty when I fought him, and that was only a day or so ago!"
- "Oh yeah, you'll get that. The Kingdom's in kind of a time... thing. One of our science guys tried to explain it to me once, but he gave up real fast. Anyway, I'm sure you can handle a few vampire hunters. Just take it as a mark of pride that someone thought you were so dangerous they had to send their entire family line after you forever."
- "That doesn't really make me feel better!"
- "Adventurer! We've received an urgent letter from the Trapper, requesting our assistance. He didn't say what it was about, but it's probably some kind of monster. It usually is. He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big Mountains. Don't--"
- "I won't drink his blood! Jeez!"
- "How's it going with the Trapper's deal?"
- "I'm still working on it," you say. "It's really cold up there!"
- "Really? I mean, yeah, obviously -- but I wouldn't have expected that to affect a vampire."
- "Well, like... I guess I don't have to worry about my toes dying and falling off, but I could still just freeze solid, you know?"
- "Oh good, there you are. We've gotten a message from Black Angus, one of the Kingdom's minor nobles. A baron or a count or something? I forget. He wants some kind of poorly-explained help."
- "A count, huh?" you ask. "Does that make us equals?"
- "I am pretty sure being a vampire doesn't automatically make you a count."
- "Awww."
- "Anyway, I'll mark his place on your map. You'll have to cross the Orc Chasm -- oh, unless you can turn into a swarm of bats or something?"
- "Well, I maybe can, but sadly it's not as useful as you might think."
- "Your name is <playername>, right? A bat dropped off a letter for you."
- "What, really?" you ask.
- "No, just kidding. It was regular mail."
- "Aw, man. That would've been cool."
- "Did you get to Black Angus's place yet? That guy has some kind of poorly-defined political power that means we sort of have to keep him happy."
- "Don't worry, I'm working on it," you say.
- "Cool. Hopefully you can get this sorted out before one of your Helker friends kills him. No pressure, or anything."
- "Hey, listen -- have you noticed all that garbage piling up in the Nearby Plains?"
- "Uh, well, I might have," you say. "There isn't a flag state that tracks whether or not--"
- "So we'd like you to figure out where it's coming from, and stop that from happening."
- "Oh, okay."
- "Please do something about all the giant garbage falling out of the sky. We think it has something to do with the big castle floating around up there, and that seems like the sort of thing you'd really be into, you know?"
- After completing the quest:
- "Hey, great job dealing with those giants and their trash! We all really appreciate it."
- "No problem," you say. "I'm just glad I didn't have to deal with another one of those crazy Helker guys. Although probably just saying that is cursing me to have to fight, like, three of them next time."
- "Ha ha, perish the thought! Anyway, here, have a thing our cleaning crew picked up that looked maybe useful."
- "Ah, <playername>, excellent timing. We've just received a message from the Distant Lands -- it seems that your father, the renowned archaeologist, has gone missing."
- "My father?" you ask. "That opens a whole host of questions."
- "As far as we know, he wasn't a vampire? Although being a vampire archaeologist would be really easy, you just stick some stuff in your basement and take it out again when it's super old. Anyway, it seems that your dad's main obsession was an ancient relic known only as the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind his diary, with instructions that it was to be delivered to you, but he didn't leave any funds to pay for shipping. So, you'll have to go pick it up yourself."
- "That's pretty weak."
- "Well, what can I say? It's expensive to ship stuff to a mysterious island that kind of exists outside of time. You can get to the Distant Lands from the Travel Agency at The Shore, but there's a slight hitch -- the area you're going to requires a passport for entry, and our passport offices are temporarily closed due to a tiny photograph shortage. You'll need to acquire some forged identification documents from the Black Market instead, but we're not entirely sure where the Black Market actually is. It's probably near the Black Forest, though, and we'll mark that on your map for you. Once you've retrieved your father's diary, we request that you use his notes to track down the Holy MacGuffin for us, as an item of such power will obviously be of great help to us in our fight against the Naughty Sorceress and the other evils that plague our land. Present company excepted, of course."
- "I'm not... oh, forget it."
- "Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit, so we'd appreciate it if you'd get on that right away."
- "Yeah, I'm working on it," you say. "One thing though -- this Holy MacGuffin, is it literally holy? Because I might not be able to, like, touch it."
- "Well, maybe when you find it there'll be someone around who can give you a bag to carry it home in."
- After completing the quest:
- "Wow! You actually brought back the Holy MacGuffin, <playername>? That's pretty darn impressive -- well done! Now we can pack it in an unlabelled wooden crate and stash it in a secret warehouse full of similar crates somewhere where it's likely that no one will ever see it again. Thanks for your help!"
- "You're welcome," you say. "...Is that all?"
- "Well, usually we throw a ticker-tape parade when this happens--"
- "Wait, this has happened before?"
- "--but what with the eclipse and all, there wouldn't be much turnout. You can have the confetti, though."
- "Gee, thanks."
- "Adventurer, we have heard rumors that trouble is brewing on the Mysterious Island of Mystery. The hippies and frat boys are agitating for war, and we'd like you to go over there and make sure that war starts."
- "Ooh, I get to be the sort of vampire that gets embroiled in all sorts of sneaky political machinations?" you say. "That sounds like an awesome change of pace."
- "Yeah, well, it is probably gonna boil down to killing more dudes, to be honest."
- "Hey, have you managed to start the war on the Mysterious Island yet? If you can't get them sufficiently worked up, try assassinating Franz Ferdinand. Historically, that tends to work."
- "Excellent work, adventurer! You've finally managed to get those idiots to fight each other. Now you've got to make sure the battle ends before the tourist season. I mean, would you rather go visit a beautiful tropical island, or a body-strewn war zone?"
- "Well--"
- "Most people would prefer the beautiful tropical island."
- "I was going to say the island!"
- "Uh-huh. Anyway, head out there and see if you can't accelerate this whole war process. If you're not making enough progress, you should try helping some of the other denizens of the island. Unlike every other fantasy Kingdom in the world, if you're stuck you should visit every location and talk to everyone."
- After defeating the hippies:
- "Good job, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smelly hippies. Feel free to take some time off to recover, you must be seriously baked if you've been drinking those guys' blood."
- "I feel like I should protest, but to be honest, yeah, I do feel kind of woozy," you say. "...Do you have any, like, chips? Or a pizza! God I could wreck a pizza right about now."
- "No, but you can have this war medal. It'll look cool as a clasp for a black silk cape."
- "Ooh, groovy."
 | You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- After defeating the frat boys:
- "Good job, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those awful frat boys. Feel free to take some time off to recover -- you're gonna have one heck of a hangover if you've been drinking those guys' blood."
- "That'sh not... that'sh not even a thing," you protest. "It doesn't, you know. Like that."
- "Uh-huh. Well, regardless, you can have this war medal. It'll look cool as a clasp for a black silk cape."
- "Ooh, it's shiny."
| You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- Adventurer! We've recently received word that the Naughty Sorceress is holding some sort of contest. We don't know what it means, but we know it doesn't mean anything good, and as such, we have decided that it is time for you to embark upon your final quest. Seek out and destroy the Naughty Sorceress, who has plagued these lands for so long, and rescue King Ralph XI, whom she has imprismed."
- "Okay," you say, "but what are the chances it'll actually be her and not a final boss battle against the last of the Helker bloodline?"
- "Basically zero.
- "Be strong, Adventurer! You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress!"
- "Or whoever happens to be at the top of her tower?"
- "Or whoever happens to be at the top of her tower, yes."
- After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
- "Congratulations, Adventurer! You have defeated the Naughty Sorceress and brought peace to the land again!"
- "Sweet," you say. "Now I can use my powers of dark mesmerism to control you all and rule this land with an iron fist."
- "..."
- "Just kidding."
- "Jeez, don't scare us like that. It's bad enough that we'll have to deal with the King after you get around to deprimsing him."
