When playing the special challenge path of Fall of the Dinosaurs, the text from the Council of Loathing discussed the current state of the kingdom:
- Despite what the picture above might show, there's only one councilman in the Council Chamber, and you find him hiding under a desk. "Hello?" you say.
- "Oh my gosh! Who are you?" he says in a panicked tone. "What's going on out there?"
- "Well, I'm a new adventurer," you reply, "and I don't really know yet. What's going on in here?"
- "I don't know! All the cups of water we keep sitting around started rippling! And then there was a ton of screaming outside!"
- "Should I... look into it?"
- "Look into it? What are you, crazy? There could be any kind of monsters out-- oh wait, you said you're an adventurer?"
- "Yeah."
- "Okay, well, that answers that question, then. I guess the first thing you should do is go talk to the Toot Oriole at Mt. Noob. Maybe he'll know something."
- After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
- You return to the Council Chamber and peek under the desk. The councilman is still there. "Did the Toot Oriole know what's going on?" he asks.
- "He basically just said hi. He gave me a letter though, see?"
- "Have you... not read it yet?"
- "No."
- "You're gonna be really great at this adventuring thing, I can tell. You've really got the exploratory chops for it."
- After reading King Ralph's note:
- "The Toot's letter didn't really say anything of interest," you say to the councilman huddled under his desk. "He just gave me a rock, and some other, different rocks."
- "Swell. Well, I'll try I'll try and think of something, once I've finished hyperventilating into this paper bag. In the meantime, maybe go have a look around town? And uh, no offense intended, but you don't seem particularly tough. Come back when you're a little stronger."
- "Harsh, but fair. Where should I look?"
- "I guess you could check out the Haunted Pantry -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.
- "Another option would be The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks.
- "Or, you could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains. I guess that isn't actually in the town, but it isn't far away."
- When no quests are available:
- The councilman seems kind of preoccupied, what with freaking out about dinosaurs and all.
- Maybe you should come back later, when you're more experienced.
- "Oh nooo," the councilman says, rolling his eyes. "Oh no, a Vivala mask, that's very scary to me when dinosaurs are actively trying to kill and eat me."
Quests
- The councilman peeks at you cautiously over the edge of his desk. "Oh good, it's you," he sighs. "I was waiting for you to come back."
- "Yeah?" you ask. "Did you find something out?"
- "Yes, I managed to get the story out of one of our interns. Apparently, someone was trying to build a dinosaur zoo in the middle of town..."
- "Oh yeah. I've probably seen that by now."
- "Well, it seems they built the front gate and gift shop before bothering to build any actual dinosaur pens, and the damn things just wandered off. Which, let me tell you, is going to be a real problem -- especially if they start breeding."
- "Oh yeah, wow," you say. "Pretty gross."
- "I'm not going to ask you to clarify what you're thinking, there. Just go to the Spooky Forest, in the Distant Woods, and bring back a mosquito larva."
- "What? Why?"
- "Our science guys said it has something to do with the dinosaur DNA or something. I don't know, they tried to explain it to me, but I didn't get it. Fortunately, I'm not the one who has to get it, you are. And by 'get it' I mean the--"
- "The mosquito larva, okay, yeah."
- You hear the councilman's voice under the desk: "Is that you? Did you get a mosquito larva yet?"
- "No," you say, "I just came back to see if you had anything else to say yet."
- "Well, I might, but I still need you to get that mosquito larva. It's important for some reason!"
- "Okay, okay."
- When returning with the mosquito larva:
- "Hello?" you call out, as you enter the Council Chamber. "I got your mosquito larva."
- "Oh, good," you hear the councilman say, and his hand reaches out from behind the desk. "Hand it here, and I'll pass it on... ew! Were you just carrying this around loose in your pocket like this?"
- "Yep."
- "...Well, anyway, I'll see if the science guys can figure anything out from it. I wouldn't hold your breath, though. We only have like two main guys in that department, and one already left for his night job where he moonlights as a priest in the local prison, and the other one just lounges around all day with his shirt open, chewing gum and laughing weird."
- "Are you going to come out from under your desk?" you ask the councilman. "It's kind of awkward talking to you like this."
- "Absolutely not," replies the voice. "I went to look out the window earlier, and something threw a goat leg at me. So I'm staying right here, thank you very much."
- "All right, well... what should I do?"
- "I guess our main priority for now should be checking in with various important people throughout the Kingdom, to see if they need any assistance. With, you know, being eaten by dinosaurs. Start with the bartender at the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods."
- "A bartender? When you said 'important people', I thought you meant, like, politicians or something."
- "Well, now we know the difference between your priorities and mine."
- "Were you able to help out at the Typical Tavern? Does it still exist?" asks the voice under the desk.
- "I may or may not have gone there yet," you reply.
- "Well, you'd better go, or else you're going to find yourself out of a job. Or perhaps I mean 'extinct'."
- "Yeah, yeah."
- The councilman looks up at you, in the process of stacking another desk and a couple of chairs on top of the desk he's been hiding under. "We've got problems," he says, sweating visibly. "Hold onto your butts."
- "I've only got the one," you reply, after verifying.
- "Listen, do you remember the Boss Bat? Huge two-headed bat monster, lives in a hole in the Nearby Plains?"
- "Well... I mean, yeah, but I'm not sure I'm supposed to. You know, canonically..."
- "Whatever. I've just gotten in a report that a huge dinosaur has eaten him."
- "That's good, right?"
- "No! No, it isn't good! Do you want to fight a dinosaur big enough to just swallow the Boss Bat?!"
- "Oh. Yeah, on reflection, I guess I don't."
- "Too bad! Off you go!"
- "Have you killed the dinosaur that ate the Boss Bat yet?" the councilman calls out from underneath his desk fort.
- "No, not yet," you say. "I'm still kind of, you know, feeling things out, learning how to fight dinosaurs, you know."
- "Well, you'd better figure it out real quick, because I think you're gonna be fighting a lot of them!"
- After defeating the Boss Bat:
- "I killed the dinosaur that ate the Boss bat," you report to the small pile of furniture.
- "Was it scary?" comes the muffled reply.
- "You wouldn't've liked it. Did your science guys come up with anything?"
- "No. They were so preoccupied with whether or not they could get raises out of this, they didn't stop to think if they should keep their jobs. One of them said something about some kind of Protocol having to do with some enzyme or something that the dinosaurs' bodies can't produce, and that it could be fatal to them somehow? But he didn't really explain it well, and I fired him, so it's never going to come up again."
- You hear some hammering sounds coming from inside the councilman's makeshift desk-fort. "Hey, do you know how to make an electric fence?" he asks.
- "No."
- "Rats. Well anyway, the next important person I want you to check up on is the Goblin King, inside Cobb's Knob."
- "The Goblin King?" you ask. "Aren't you kind of... at war with those guys?"
- "Not at war per se, just... economically advantageous mutual tension. Consider it an 'enemy of my enemy' situation."
- "Ugh, politics. How do I get in?"
- "Here, take this map. We never figured out the code that's on it -- or at least, nobody ever told me -- so you'll have to figure out how to decode the route to the secret entrance yourself. And once you're inside, you'll need a disguise. Maybe you could dress up as one of the harem guards. Did you know those guys are--"
- "Yeah, they're eunuchs. I know this."
- Before accessing the inside of the Knob:
- "Hey, uh..." You knock a couple times on the side of the councilman's fort. "I haven't figured out how to get into Cobb's Knob yet."
- "You'll have to find a key to decode the map," comes the response. "Maybe one of the dinosaurs ate a guardsman who, uh, had one in his pocket, or something?"
- After accessing the inside of the Knob:
- "How's the situation with the Goblin King?" asks the councilman, his eyes peeking out at you from between two nailed-together chairs.
- "I haven't gotten in to see him, yet," you say.
- "All right, well, keep trying. Life, ah, finds a way."
- "I have no idea what that's supposed to mean in this context."
- After defeating the Goblin King:
- "Bad news about the Goblin King," you report. "A dinosaur ate him. I killed the dinosaur, though."
- "Ah. Well," the councilman muses, "I suppose I can't be too broken up about that, considering that we usually send adventurers out to assassinate him. The goblins will probably just appoint another one."
- "Another dinosaur?"
- "I wouldn't put it past them, frankly."
- "Okay," the councilman calls out, "the next guys I need you to check in with are the Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods."
- "Ah ah ah," you say, wagging a finger. "You didn't say the magic word."
- "Is it 'Abracafired'? Look, don't mess around with this, those guys are important! They guard portals to Hey Deez, and without them, we'll have demons everywhere!"
- "We already have dinosaurs everywhere. Maybe they'll, y'know, cancel each other out."
- "Yeah, maybe! Like an atomic bomb cancels out a forest fire!"
- "Have you dealt with the Deep Fat Friars yet? Look, I'm not sure if the collection of nailed-together office furniture I've got here is dinosaur-proof, but I'm pretty sure it isn't demon-proof."
- "Oh, thank goodness you're back," the councilman says. "I've just had a really terrible thought."
- "Is it 'what if a dinosaur learned to open doors'?"
- "... ... ..."
- "Okay okay, sorry, forget I said anything," you correct yourself. "What was the thought you had? Please stop hyperventilating."
- "There's a cyrpt near the Misspelled Cemetary that has a tendency to emanate spooky... emanations. You know, like necromantic stuff."
- "Oh, I see. So you think maybe it'll turn the dinosaurs I've already killed or that I kill in the future, into even more dreadful undead abominations that might be nigh-impossible to permanently destroy?"
- "... ... ..."
- "Seriously man, you are gonna totally inhale that paper bag if you aren't careful."
- "Look, just... just take this evilometer and go check it out, okay?"
- "Have you finished searching the Cyrpt?" the councilman asks.
- "No, not yet," you say. "It's... well, it's just really spooky in there. And also it's full of dinosaurs."
- "Yeah, yeah I get that. Do your best, though. And be careful with that evilometer I gave you. It's expensive. You can tell because it's heavy."
- After defeating the Bonerdagon:
- You stumble into the Council Chamber, and the councilman peeks out of his fort at you. "Wow," he says, "you look kind of freaked out. And this is me saying that."
- "I had to fight a T-Rex!" you say. "A T-Rex so big, it ate the Bonerdagon!"
- "Oh jeez, that's intense. Do you want some ice cream?" He holds up a gallon-size ice cream carton with a spoon sticking out of it.
- "Why are you eating ice cream? Did the power go out in the kitchen?"
- "Yeah, but mainly I just wanted some ice cream."
- "How is it that you're the one who's calm in this situation while I'm freaking out??"
- He shrugs. "Probably because I have ice cream. Won't last much longer, it's getting pretty melty."
- "Hello?" You lean over to peek into the furniture fort, and the councilman shrieks when he sees you. "Jeez, man," you say. "You were fine a minute ago. What's got you all riled up now?"
- "I w-went to put the ice cream back, and there was a raptor in the freezer! It ate the middles out of all the Hot Pockets!"
- "Clever girl."
- "We've got to do something about this! I'm gonna have a heart attack before the dinosaurs even get to me!"
- "All right, just give me some kind of specific, actionable quest that I can go do."
- "I... I guess go see the Trapper at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge? He knows all about wild animals, maybe he can help."
- "He's probably just going to give me the same quest he always does."
- "Well, just... just go do that, then!"
- "Any luck with the Trapper?" the councilman asks.
- "Hmm? Oh. Well, I haven't finished his quest yet," you say.
- "Look, he's a very important guy. Even if he can't help us kill all these dinosaurs, we're definitely going to need someone who knows how to skin and dispose of them when this is all over. God willing."
- "I guess I should send you out to check on Black Angus," the councilman says. "He's probably pretty safe in his stone tower on the other side of the Orc Chasm, but... well, just to be sure."
- "What does that guy actually do, anyway?" you ask.
- "Do? He's a nobleman."
- "Well, yeah, but like, does he have some important position in the government, or some job that the town relies on, or something?"
- "Do you even know what a nobleman is? Come on."
- "Your name is <playername>, right? This came in the mail for you." The councilman passes you a leaflet through a narrow gap in his furniture fort (which at this point has grown pretty impressive, actually. It looks like he stole the doors from the stalls in the bathroom and bolted them on as walls.)
- "Have you checked up on Black Angus?" the councilman asks.
- "Ehh, I'm working on it," you say. "I still don't get why he's important, though."
- "He's nobility. I really don't know how else to explain it to you."
- "Well, we've got a new problem," the councilman says. "Although honestly, it's more like a twist on the original problem."
- "What's up?" you ask.
- "The giants that live up in the sky have started chucking garbage out of their castle again. It's a real mess, both literally and in terms of the ongoing dinosaur situation. Some of the dinosaurs are getting crushed by the falling garbage, some are eating the garbage, some are going berserk because, historically speaking, dinosaurs and things falling out of the sky don't get along well. It's absolute chaos out there, and I need you to put a stop to it."
- "Hmm."
- "Do I need to explain chaos to you? I have some water here that I could drip on your hand in a sensual way."
- "No thank you."
- "Please hurry up and stop the trash falling out of the sky, so we can focus on the whole dinosaur thing a little more, okay? Oh, but if you happen to spot any old cinder blocks or metal sheeting out there, bring them back, I need more materials for my fort."
- "That fort's really coming along," you say.
- "Thanks! Look, I made a beaded curtain out of paperclips, to separate the bedroom from the main hiding room."
- "Neat!"
- After completing the quest:
- "Great job dealing with that whole trash-falling-out-of-the-sky situation," the councilman says. He seems to be dismantling some desk lamps and taping the parts together to make a little chandelier. "Here, I sent the interns out to scavenge lumber, and one of them brought this thing back. You can have it."
or
- You peek in one of the little windows of the councilman's fort, and spot him hiding behind a little desk he's made out of parts from a regular-sized desk. "What's wrong?" you ask.
- "Oh, it's horrible!" he says. "I went down to the basement to see if we had any more staples, and I backed into a severed arm!"
- "Oh, jeez! Whose was it?"
- "I'm not sure, but it had a tattoo on it that said 'Ezekiel 25:17'."
- "Huh. Isn't that the one about, like, shellfish and beards?"
- "I have no idea. Look, fun is fun, but we really have got to do something about these dinosaurs. I found some notes in a filing cabinet about some kind of magical artifact that might be helpful. Apparently some famous archaeologist compiled all his notes into a diary about it? Just a regular archaeologist, though, not a paleontologist unfortunately."
- "Oh, huh. I think maybe my dad was a--"
- "I don't know, sure, whatever. Look, just get a flight to Distant Lands and pick up the diary, and then track down that artifact. You'll have to go to the Black Market first, to get a passport. I used all our regular passport forms to make papier-mache lampshades."
- You find the councilman sitting cross-legged behind his little homemade desk, cutting post-it notes into smaller post-it notes. "Any luck getting your father's diary and finding the Holy MacGuffin?" he asks.
- "Uh, well, I'm working on it," you say.
- "Please hurry. I mean, I have no idea if dinosaurs are weak to Holy or not, but I definitely don't have any better ideas."
- After completing the quest:
- "All right," you say, reporting back to the councilman. "I got that Holy Macguffin thing. Here it is."
- "Wow, great! Now we can... hmm, I don't see an 'ON' switch or any instructions or anything on it. Oh well, it'll look nice on my little coffee table."
- "That's... I mean, look, are you seriously just going to use it as a conversation piece? That thing was a real pain to get."
- "That's a fair point, and I'd love to reward you commensurate to your efforts, but unfortunately a parade is out of the question, obviously. But here, I've got a lot of confetti left over from down-sizing my post-it notes. Help yourself."
- "Swell."
- "I've got some interesting news!" the councilman says, excitedly waving a small piece of paper. "I've just received a miniature fax from one of our regional offices -- it suggests that the dinosaurs might have originated on the Mysterious Island of Mystery, off the coast of the Kingdom!"
- "Huh, really?" you ask.
- "Yeah -- apparently the original name of the island was Isla Nooblar, which translates to 'Dumbass Island'. And there's a couple paragraphs about mosquitoes and the amber deposits that the hippies make homeopathic necklaces out of, and other stuff I don't understand."
- "All right. What do you want me to do?"
- "Okay. Okay okay, get this -- I've had a really great idea. You're going to say it's crazy, but I'm really pleased with it."
- "What is it?" you ask.
- "See, I was thinking, who's the natural enemy of the dinosaur? Who best knows the dinosaurs' weaknesses, and how to control them? ...Cavemen!"
- "...What?"
- "Sure! You've seen the cartoons, right? And if that island is where the dinosaurs came from, then the cavemen there will be extra strong against them!"
- "But... besides everything else that's wrong with that, there aren't any cavemen on that island."
- "Not yet there aren't. All you have to do is get the hippies and frat boys to go to war with each other. One side bombs the other back to the Stone Age, and boom! Cavemen!"
- "That's extremely crazy."
- "See, I knew you'd say that! Go do it anyway."
- "Any luck starting that war between the hippies and frat boys? I know it seems weird when humanity's already fighting off a massive dinosaur invasion, but we need cavemen, and we need them fast!"
- "All right," you say. "I started what is basically a three-way war between hippies, frat boys, and dinosaurs. The battlefield is absolutely insane, I don't... I can't even process it mentally."
- "Great! Now all we need to do is end the war, so that we'll have a source of caveman dinosaur experts to recruit." the councilman says.
- "And of course by 'we' you mean me."
- "Of course! I've got a government to run in here! Look, I made a little foreign ambassador out of popsicle sticks."
- After defeating the hippies:
- "Good job, adventurer! With those hippies turned into cavemen, we'll finally be able to learn how to stop this dinosaur menace! As soon as we figure out how to speak caveman, anyway. But you know, it's just like I always say: god creates dinosaurs, god destroys dinosaurs, god creates man, man destroys god, man creates dinosaurs, man destroys hippies, man creates cavemen, man and caveman destroy dinosaurs!"
 | You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- After defeating the frat boys:
- "Good job, adventurer! With those frat boys turned into cavemen, we'll finally be able to learn how to stop this dinosaur menace! As soon as we figure out how to speak caveman, anyway. But you know, it's just like I always say: god creates dinosaurs, god destroys dinosaurs, god creates man, man destroys god, man creates dinosaurs, man destroys frat boys, man creates cavemen, man and caveman destroy dinosaurs!"
| You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- You find the councilman huddled in his miniature office -- squatting behind his little desk, sipping coffee from a little espresso cup and sharpening pencils down to a more appropriate length. "Any luck with the cavemen/dinosaur angle?" you ask him.
- "Unfortunately," he sighs, "the only technology we've really been able to get out of them so far is the spear, and we already knew about that one. However, a very interesting opportunity has just presented itself. The Naughty Sorceress has opened her tower next to the Nearby Plains, and declared some kind of contest. If you can win that contest, you'll be able to meet the Sorceress herself, and negotiate a deal with her to eliminate the dinosaur menace with her powerful magic."
- "Wait -- negotiate a deal with her? Really?"
- "I know -- weird, right? But I don't think you'll be able to acquire her powers by killing her, or anything like that. I think we might actually need her alive for this one."
- "Well, okay. But... you know she's pretty evil, right?"
- "Well, dinosaurs make strange bedfellows, after all."
- "That's... you can't just rephrase that idiom like that. That was awful."
- "Good luck getting to the top of the Naughty Sorceress's tower!" the councilman says. "I'd like to help, but I have a meeting with some very important people."
- "Is that what the can of shaving cream is for?" you ask.
- "What? Oh uh, yes. Yes, I have to shave before I go meet them. Don't touch the can."
- "I wasn't going to."
- "I don't recommend eating that slice of pie, either."
- After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
- As you arrive, the councilman is crawling out of his fort, and adjusting his tie. "Oh, uh, you're back. How did it go with the Sorceress?"
- "Well, not as planned, to be honest," you reply.
- "Does she still have the King imprisimed? You didn't release him yet, did you?"
- "Oh, no, I didn't. I guess I should, huh? He might know how to get rid of the dinosaurs!"
- "No hurry, no hurry. Excuse me, I've got to go to my meeting."
- "Why are you taking the shaving cream with you?" you ask.
- "No reason."
- "Also, you're forgetting your glasses."
- "I can afford more glasses! Go away!"
