The Council of Loathing/Heavy Rains

In the Heavy Rains special challenge path, The Council of Loathing are, needless to say, concerned about the deluge.

• Initial text:

Greetings, Adventurer--geez, couldn't you have wrung out your clothes outside before you came in? You're leaving puddles all over the floor. Well, that and the leaks in the roof. It's never really rained in the Kingdom before, and we're having trouble keeping dry. Anyway, your first order of business should be to visit the Toot Oriole, atop Mt. Noob in the Big Mountains.

• After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:

You know, Adventurer, some poor letter carrier got soaked to the skin to deliver that mail to you. Maybe you should read it before we talk again.

• After reading King Ralph's note:

Look, we'll give it to you straight, Adventurer. We're dealing with a Kingdom-wide flood at the moment, and we don't have anything for you to do until you're a little stronger. You've got to learn to doggy-paddle before you learn to swim, y'know?

So for now, keep to the shallow end of the flood waters. You could check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains.

Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks.

Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. But you didn't hear it from us.

• When no quests are available:

Sorry, we've got nothing for you to do right now. Unless you want to help bail out the archives? There's hip-deep water down there.

No? Okay, fine. Come back a little later.

Seriously, we've got enough trouble keeping the basement of the Council building from flooding right now. Come back when you're more experienced.

• When wearing a V for Vivala mask:

Aaaahhh! No! Don't kill... oh wait, it's just you. We thought you were... never mind. Although I guess if you were that other guy, your gunpowder would be too damp now to be a threat.

Quests

Level 2 - Spooky Forest Quest

• Initial text:

We require your aid, Adventurer. As you know, there's a freak storm happening right now that is dumping rain all over the Kingdom. Because of this, we naturally need a mosquito larva. The best place to find a mosquito larva is in the Spooky Forest, which is found in the Distant Woods. We'll mark it on your map for you.

• Subsequent times:

We still need a mosquito larva, Adventurer. Please find us one in the Spooky Forest.

• When returning with the mosquito larva:

Thanks for the larva, Adventurer. This could be the key to ending the rain that's plaguing the Kingdom! Probably not, but it's worth a shot, right?

Level 3 - Typical Tavern Quest

• Initial text:

We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. I'm sure he'd reward you if you took care of it for him. And maybe bail out his basement while you're there. Honestly, if we'd have known it was going to rain in the Kingdom like, ever, we would have put a sump pump down there.

• Subsequent times:

The Tavern Owner is still having rat problems, Adventurer. Why don't you splash or row your way to the Distant Woods and help him out?

Level 4 - Boss Bat Quest

• Initial text:

Adventurer, the bats in the Bat Hole have been even more restless than usual. The water is flooding their caves, washing away centuries-old guano deposits, and they're not happy about it. There have been rumors that the Boss Bat has vanished, to be replaced by some watery creature.

Naturally, we're going to stay inside where it's dry, but we figured you should go check it out. And, y'know, take out whatever creature is down there at the bottom.

• Subsequent times:

We've heard that the Bathole is flooded, and there's some weird water creature down there. Is that true? I mean, no matter what's in there, we still need you to kill it and bring back some proof.

• After defeating the Aquabat:

So the Boss Bat was all made out of water? That's incredibly weird.

Level 5 - The King of Cobb's Knob Quest

• Initial text:

We've gotten word, Adventurer, that the Knob Goblins, who normally keep to themselves over at Cobb's Knob, are planning a major military action. It must be due to the flooding that's inundated the Knob--they're in deep water over there, and they may be looking to expand their territory.

We need for you to go deep into the Knob and nip this problem in the bud, so to speak, by neutralizing the Goblin King.

Our spies have determined that there is a secret entrance that will allow you to access the inside of the Knob. They recovered this map, but nobody knows how to read it.

You'll need to figure out how to decrypt the symbols on it if you're going to find that entrance. And be careful with it, Adventurer. Many Bothans died to... oh, wait, never mind. That was something else.

• Subsequent times, before accessing the inside of the Knob:

We still need you to get into Cobb's Knob, Adventurer. Try searching through the mud in the Outskirts for a clue.

• After accessing the inside of the Knob:

Any luck with the Goblin King, Adventurer? Is he still in charge over there, or did the flood take him?

• After defeating the Aquagoblin:

Ah, you've slain the Goblin King? Oh, it wasn't him? It was some thing made out of water that only looked like him?

Well, that's pretty strange. Keep us posted, okay?

Level 6 - Deep Fat Friars' Gate Quest

• Initial text:

The Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods have sent a request for aid, Adventurer. Their Copse was built on one of the soft places in the world, and the flood has only made the ground softer. Creatures from the depths of Hey Deze have begun to invade, and they are powerless against the demons. The Friars are still bugging us about their flooded Copse, Adventurer. Please squelch on over to the Distant Woods and help them out, won't you?

• Subsequent times:

The Friars are still bugging us about their flooded Copse, Adventurer. Please squelch on over to the Distant Woods and help them out, won't you?

Level 7 - Undefile the Cyrpt Quest

• Initial text:

Recently, an aura of extreme Spookiness has begun to emanate from within the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary in the Nearby Plains. We fear the floodwaters have released some ancient evil, and it's taken root deep inside.

Would you be so good as to investigate? This device should help:

You acquire an item: Evilometer

• Subsequent times:

The Cyrpt is still radiating Spookiness, Adventurer, and the water isn't getting any shallower in there. Have you explored every nook and cranny?

• After defeating the Auqadargon:

So there was a water dragon in the Cyrpt? Huh. That's unexpected. We thought it would just be an ancient skeletal dragon, like usual. This rain is absolutely crazy, Adventurer.

Level 8 - Mt. McLargeHuge Quest

• Initial text:

Adventurer! We've received an urgent letter from the Trapper, requesting our assistance. We're busy trying to move the archives to higher ground and plug the leaks in the ceiling, so we were hoping you could go out to his place and see what he wants.

He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big Mountains. We'll mark it on your map for you.

• Subsequent times:

The Trapper tells us you haven't finished helping him yet, Adventurer. So, y'know, get on that, will you?

Level 9 - Orc Chasm Quest

• Initial text:

Sorry to trouble you with this, Adventurer, but we've gotten a... shall we say... cryptic message from Black Angus -- he's one of Loathing's minor nobles.

It's usually safe to ignore him, but he sounded pretty agitated, and the rain's got everyone so on edge that we can't afford to ignore him.

Could you do us a favor and go to his tower, in the Highlands? The Highlands are just on the other side of the Orc Chasm. We'll mark it on your map.

Your name is <player>, right? This came in the mail for you. I guess it's true that neither rain nor snow nor plague of badgers can stop Loathing's postal service.

You acquire an item: strange leaflet

• Subsequent times:

The Highland Lord, Black Angus, still needs your help, Adventurer.

• After completing the quest:

Level 10 - Giant Trash Quest

• Initial text:

Adventurer, in addition to the water raining down on the Nearby Plains, there's also a lot of giant garbage coming from above. It's turning all the puddles and mud into gross glop. Can you please investigate and see where it's coming from, and how to stop it?

• Subsequent times:

Please try to figure out where the garbage is coming from, adventurer! Perhaps you'll find a clue where all the garbage is landing, in the Nearby Plains. Maybe you can get above the clouds? Man, that'd be nice. We haven't had dry socks in ages.

• After completing the quest:

The garbage has stopped falling, Adventurer! Great work. I don't suppose you found a way to stop the rain from doing the same?

Oh, well. Here, we found this during the cleanup. It's yours.

Level 11 - Quest for the Holy MacGuffin

• Initial text:

Ah, <playername>, excellent timing. We've just received a message from the Distant Lands -- it seems that your father, the renowned archaeologist, has gone missing. Apparently, his life's work was to track down an ancient relic known only as the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind his diary, with instructions that it was to be delivered to you, but he didn't leave any funds to pay for shipping. So, you'll have to go pick it up yourself.

You can travel there from the Travel Agency at The Shore, but there's a slight hitch -- the area you're going to requires a passport for entry, and our passport offices are temporarily closed due to a tiny photograph shortage. You'll need to acquire some forged identification documents from the Black Market instead, but we're not entirely sure where the Black Market actually is. It's probably near the Black Forest, though, and we'll mark that on your map for you.

Once you've retrieved your father's diary, we request that you use his notes to track down the Holy MacGuffin for us. Perhaps there's something in there that can stop this endless rain! Or at least maybe there's a holy umbrella in there.

• Subsequent times:

Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit, so we'd appreciate it if you'd get on that right away. I mean, the flood's not getting any shallower.

• After completing the quest:

"Wow! You actually brought back the Holy MacGuffin, Eroquin? That's pretty darn impressive -- well done! Now we can pack it in an unlabelled wooden crate and stash it in a secret warehouse full of similar crates somewhere where it's likely that no one will ever see it again. Thanks for your help!"

"That's it?" you ask. "There wasn't some holy umbrella in there or anything?"

"Nah, we're afraid to open it, honestly. You'll have to stop the rain some other way. But I guess you deserve a reward. You like parades? We could throw a parade."

"Sure."

So the Council throws you a ticker-tape parade, which gets soggy and gross pretty quickly in the never-ending rain. To be honest, you're pretty glad when it's over.

Level 12 - Mysterious Island Quest

• Initial text:

Adventurer, we have heard rumors that trouble is brewing on the Mysterious Island of Mystery. The hippies and frat boys have always been a little tense with each other, but the endless rain is really exacerbating the situation. The frat boys keep holding Wet T-Shirt Contests where the hippies are trying to have their Free Love Mudwrestling. Nothing ruins a wet t-shirt contest like a bunch of naked people, and nothing ruins a love-in like total pervs creeping on everyone. So nobody's happy except us.

We'd like you to go over there and make sure that war starts. We don't care how it starts and we don't care who wins.

Maybe the hippies will wipe out the frat boys, or maybe the frat boys will annihilate the hippies, or maybe they'll eradicate each other. No matter who loses, we win.

• Subsequent times:

Hey, have you managed to start the war on the Mysterious Island yet? If you can't get them sufficiently worked up, try assassinating Franz Ferdinand. Historically, that tends to work.

• After starting the war:

Excellent work, adventurer! You've finally managed to get those idiots to fight each other. Now you've got to make sure the battle ends before the tourist season. We mean, assuming the rainy season ever stops. It's a miracle we haven't grown webbed feet yet!

Anyway, let's get this war over with, shall we? Get out there and rack up some casualties!

If you're not making enough progress, you should try helping some of the other denizens of the island. Unlike every other fantasy Kingdom in the world, if you're stuck you should visit every location and talk to everyone.

• After defeating the hippies:

Good job, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smelly hippies. The tourist trade is going to boom without them stinking up the place! Did you take out their leader, the Big Wisniewski?

Oh, there was some water-based copy of him there, instead? How bizarre. The rain, the crazy water mini-bosses...it's got to be connected somehow. Eh, we're sure you'll figure it out.

Now, if only there were something we could do about the frat boys. Oh well, at least they make good margaritas.

Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head.

• After defeating the frat boys:

Great work, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smug bastard frat boys. The tourist trade is going to boom now that travelers don't have to worry about being forced to do beer bongs while being paddled. Now they can choose to be paddled without doing a beer bong or vice versa! Did you really stick it to the Man, the guy who pulls all the strings over there?

Oh, that's weird. the^[sic] Aquaman? But without the green speedo and orange unitard? Huh. We can't help but think there may be a connection between the endless rain and all these mini-bosses made of sentient water. Eh, you'll figure it out.

Now if only there were something we could do about the hippies. Oh well, at least they're mostly non-violent. As long as you don't get close enough to smell them, they're okay.

Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to your head.

Level 13 - Naughty Sorceress Quest

• Initial text:

Adventurer, the time has come! Clouds are gathering thick and dark around the Sorceress's tower. She must be causing all the flooding! Put an end to her and you'll put an end to this whole soggy business.

Splash forth to her lair, east of the Nearby Plains, and wring her like a mop!

• Subsequent times:

Adventurer, it's still raining and the Sorceress's tower is still standing. Perhaps our instructions were unclear?

• After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:

So, it was the Rain King that was making all the rain? Well, we suppose that makes sense. Kings, man. You can't live with 'em, you can't leave 'em stuck in a prism where they can't do any harm while a representative democratic Council fairly and gently enforces order. Am I right?

I mean, you're an Adventurer, not a politician. It probably wouldn't do for you to meddle in affairs of state like re-establishing the monarchical status quo. Best to leave it to us.

Well, I mean, we can't stop you if you want to break the King's prism...and we suppose that is the heroic thing to do...aw, man. Just don't rush into it, okay? There's plenty of time. No hurry.