Ah good, it looks like you're powered up and functioning properly. No no, don't bother saying anything, I don't know how to speak beep-boop robot talk. We've built you -- well, we've had our scientists build you -- because for some reason all the top bad guys in the Kingdom have been replaced with robots. We don't know if that was just a cost and labor-saving measure, or what, but we figured to fight fire with fire, right? Or I guess I should say "fight robot with robot", since as I understand it, you things have a tendency toward over-literalness. Anyway, that's the deal -- there's bad robots out there, and we want you to go rock 'em sock 'em. Go see the Toot Oriole first if you haven't already, he probably has a letter or something for you. A barcode, or a punchcard or whatever.
Before we give you further instructions, you should read that letter from the Toot Oriole. Or... process it, or whatever. Do you need me to call someone in here to feed it into a slot or something? Don't look at me to do it for you, I don't even pump my own gas.
"If you've completed all the available Council tasks so far:
Unfortunately, there are no more tasks required of you by the Council at this time. Why don't you go top up your batteries, or back yourself up to the cloud, or whatever a robot does in its spare time. Solve chess, or something.
Maybe you should work on upgrading yourself. Get a little more mote out of those motors. We can't be sending a wind-up toy to fight a warbot, it wouldn't be cost-effective.
All right, Roboventurer, we've decided on a pretty simple first mission for you. Should be just the thing to get you calibrated, make sure there's nothing wrong with your... gears, or um, subroutines? Look, there could be a hamster in there for all we know, and to be honest, all we care about is results. The best place to find a mosquito larva is in the Spooky Forest, which is found in the Distant Woods. We'll mark it on your map for you.
Subsequent times:
Look, don't drop the ball this early -- I don't need a new vacuum cleaner. Navigate to the Spooky Forest, and use those expensive sensors and stuff to find a mosquito larva.
When returning with the mosquito larva:
Okay, great, you've brought us a mosquito larva. That demonstrates the absolute bare minimum of function we need out of you, so good job! Normally we give new adventurers Meat for these, but I don't know what you would do with Meat? ...I guess you could buy yourself a new fan belt or whatever. All right, here you go.
All right, time to give you the final exam. The owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a problem with rats in his basement. If you can kill a basement-load of rats as good as a real human adventurer, we'll consider you ready for prime time. At least, ready enough that it'll be worth filing these patent applications. Anyway, I'll mark the place on your... uh, upload it to your gps, I guess? Let me find which button it is.
Subsequent times:
The owner of the Typical Tavern says you haven't finished clearing the rats out of his basement yet. This doesn't look good on your stats tracking, you know. Come on, get a move on. We didn't spend all that Meat building you so you could not do what we tell you.
Well, robot, it looks like you're ready for... I said the Tavern was the final exam, didn't I? Well, forget that, this is the actual final exam -- it's time for you to go defeat a boss. If that wad of silver tinsel they made your brain out of has sufficient computational power to figure out how to do that all on your own, maybe the Good Fairy will turn you into a real boy or girl. No, just kidding, you're gonna be a robot forever. The boss you're looking for is in the Bat Hole, out in the Nearby Plains. I'd say "break a leg", but please don't, they were expensive.
Subsequent times:
What are you doing back here, robot? You're supposed to be out defeating a boss. Did your map data get corrupted? Or did someone pick you up and turn you around 180 degrees, so you've been walking the wrong way? Your target can be found in the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains.
After defeating the Boss Bat:
Hey, you actually did it! Wow, okay, I honestly didn't think this whole robot plan was going to work, but you know what? Good job! Turns out the lab jockeys know how to turn out a pretty good robot, I guess! Looks like we're gonna have to pick out some real-deal missions for you now. And I'll have to tell the local Little League team 'nevermind' about the free pitching machine I offered them.
Well, Adventurer-Bot, it's time to send you out on a real assignment. We've gotten word from our spies that the Knob Goblins are working on robots of their own, and the last thing we want around here is a robot arms race. Or a robot legs race. ...I'm not sure where I was going with that joke.
Anyway, we need you to get into Cobb's Knob, and destroy their test robot -- which they have probably made their King, because the goblins are weird like that. Our spies said there's a secret entrance into the Knob, and they sent us this map, but it's encrypted. Robots are supposed to be real good at that sort of thing, so maybe you can figure it out? Or maybe just beat up some guards until you find a decryption key, like a human adventurer would do, it's up to you.
Subsequent times, before accessing the inside of the Knob:
You need to find your way into Cobb's Knob, Adventurer. Try looking around the Outskirts for a clue that might help you figure out that map we gave you. ...Is a "clue" a thing that robots understand? Try looking for additional data that can be correlated to data you already have, until you have enough to compute a solution to the problem.
After accessing the inside of the Knob:
It's great that you've managed to actually get inside Cobb's Knob and all, but we still need you actually eliminate their robo-king. That's the -- um, what would you call it -- the "terminating variable", or something like that? I don't know, whatever, go terminate that variable.
After defeating the King:
Great job, robot -- you successfully put an end to the Knob Goblins' weird scheme! And no real people were at risk of injury or death! (At least, no non-goblin people.) Still, you were a lot more expensive than a real adventurer, so we're gonna need a lot more work out of you before this whole plan is proven to be cost-efficient.
Here's a mission that you should be pretty well-suited for -- the Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having a problem with demonic creatures invading their grove. Demons are vulnerable to cold iron, right? Or is that just elves? Either way, go check it out and see if you can fix whatever's going on there. Hopefully the Friars won't consider you a horrible blasphemy or anything.
Subsequent times:
Hey, robot, the Deep Fat Friars still need you to fix their demon problem. Or "repair their demon malfunction", or however a robot would say it. They're in the Distant Woods, if that nugget of information somehow got wiped from your memory.
Ah, good, our robot's back. We've got another task for you -- another robot-themed one, actually, which is a funny coincidence. There's a place we call the Cyrpt, which is out by the Misspelled Cemetary -- yes, we know, just add it to your dictionary. Anyway, usually we have to deal with evil emanations coming out of there, but this time it's just some kind of electromagnetic interference? Like errant radio waves or something, is what the lab guys said. They gave me this scanner thing to give to you, but I don't see anywhere to plug it in... I guess I can just duct-tape it to the top of you. There. You should be able to use that to find the source of the problem.
Oh, and I guess I should specify -- after you've found the source, eliminate it.
We're still getting some kind of "broad-band electromagnetic radiation" coming out of the Cyrpt. Or at least, the lab geeks are, and they told us about it, so now we're telling you about it, and we want you to go there and stop it, whatever it is.
After defeating the Robonerdagon:
A robot dragon? I mean, dagon? Huh. That's weird. Well, good job destroying it! Probably we won't have to worry about any more of that sort of thing.
Oh hey, Roboventurer -- or Adventurebot, or whatever the marketing guys end up deciding to call you -- you're just in time. Which is to be expected, I suppose. Anyway, there's a trapper out at Mt. McLargeHuge, in the Big Mountains, who's requested some assistance. Snow-covered mountains is probably not the best terrain situation for a robot, but we figured it'd be a good way to really put you to the test. I'll upload his location to your map directory thingy, so go see what he wants and deal with whatever it is.
Subsequent times:
Apparently, you still haven't dealt with whatever the trapper's problem is. Did we forget to make it clear that you're supposed to do what he tells you, the same as when we tell you to do things? Because if we didn't, then yeah -- he does have that command access, at least for now. So, y'know, get to it. Beep boop.
Okay, robot -- can I call you Robby? No? Well, I don't think you have a say in it really, Robby. Anyway, there's another guy we need to loan you out to -- a minor noble called Black Angus. His tower is in the Highlands, on the other side of the Orc Chasm. Go see if you can fix whatever problem he's having.
This seems like it must be a mistake, but some mail came for you? Probably one of the programmers put your name on a junkmail list as a joke, or something, but here you go anyway.
Got a new job for you -- the Nearby Plains are filling up with garbage that's falling out of the sky. We were going to just send you out to clean it up, but the lab guys said it would be more efficient to have you stop the garbage at its source, and I guess I can't argue with that. I mean, I tried, but the nerds got all pouty. They wouldn't even listen to my idea of selling the place to Disney as a WALL-E theme park. But, whatever, so long as you deal with that trash one way or another.
Subsequent times:
Hey, seriously, we need you to go deal with that garbage that's piling up on the Nearby Plains. The roaches living in it aren't nearly as cute as the one in the cartoon.
After completing the quest:
Looks like you managed to stop that garbage falling out of the sky. The lab guys tell me I should be nicer to you, because they think maybe you're developing sentience, or sapience, or whatever? So, good job. Good job, robot. Who's a good robot? It's you, yes it is. Here, you can have this thing we found as a reward.
Oh look, it's the Council's favorite and only robot. Good timing, we've got another mission for you. It seems that your "father" -- by which I mean, the guy who wrote the software for your brain -- has gone missing. The last thing he was working on was tracking down some kind of lost technology or something called the Holy MacGuffin. We're hoping it's some kind of super-weapon, or an infinite clean energy source, you know, something cool like that. So, since the other guy's vanished, we're gonna need you to pick up the trail.
His notes on the search were found at his hotel in Distant Lands, so you'll have to go pick them up first. Since you're heavy as heck and it would cost a fortune to ship you there, we've decided to just leave the travel planning to you. If you get a fake passport from the Black Market, that should be all you need to deal with the Travel Agency at the Shore. Their security isn't exactly known for being rigorous. You might have to declare yourself at Customs on the other end, though.
Anyway, once you've recovered that guy's notes, find the Holy MacGuffin and bring it back to us.
Subsequent times:
Are you making any progress getting your father's diary and retrieving the Holy MacGuffin? I know the idea that you have a "father" might be causing some philosophical confusion for your weird robot brain, but you're supposed to be pretty good at multitasking, so get on with it.
After completing the quest:
Hey, wow, you actually did it? You successfully retrieved the Holy MacGuffin? That's frankly incredible. I owe Harris over there fifty bucks! No hard feelings though, I'm genuinely impressed. Good job, robot -- I mean that sincerely. Still, it would be frankly weird for us to throw a full-on parade for a robot, so we're just going to give you this handful of confetti and call it a day.
It's been pointed out to us that, since you're a robot with no public connection to the Council, you're in a very good position to do a little dirty work for us. Dirtier than the Nearby Plains garbage thing, I mean. Well, dirty in a different way, at least. See, tensions are flaring up between the Hippies and Frat Boys that live on the Mysterious Island of Mystery nearby, and we think it would be to our advantage if a war broke out between them. I'm not going to bother explaining why, because you haven't been programmed for politics and it would probably make your processors overheat. All you need to know is: your orders are to go over there and get those jerks fighting amongst themselves. We don't really care how.
Subsequent times:
We haven't heard any news of war on the Mysterious Island yet. You haven't just been playing video games over there, have you? We're looking for a real, actual war. The only winning move is for you to do your job.
After starting the war:
Hey, great work starting that war! Your next task is to put an end to it, as quickly as possible. No, look, I told you, you aren't rated for politics; I don't care how good you are at chess. Just get everything cleaned up before tourist season starts. Imagine you're basically any robot in basically any movie, and crush those guys soullessly and without mercy. I'm pretty sure that's the only way you know how to do anything, after all.
After completing the hippies:
Great job crushing those jerk frat boys under your iron boots. Or treads, or wheels, or whatever. I'd offer you a vacation on our nice new jerk-free vacation island, but I'm pretty sure a robot on vacation is a nonsense idea. Instead, we're giving you this war medal, which is also pretty ridiculous, since we don't give medals to, like, guns, but we've got a bunch of these things lying around anyway, so why not. Want me to have a mechanic weld it to your chest? No? Okay, suit yourself.
You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]]
After completing as the frat boys:
Great job crushing those smelly hippies under your iron boots. Or treads, or wheels, or whatever. I'd offer you a vacation on our nice new hippy-free vacation island, but I'm pretty sure a robot on vacation is a nonsense idea. Instead, we're giving you this war medal, which is also pretty ridiculous, since we don't give medals to, like, guns, but we've got a bunch of these things lying around anyway, so why not. Want me to have a mechanic weld it to your chest? No? Okay, suit yourself.
Robot, I've got big news -- It's time for the big mission, the one we've secretly been training and testing you for this whole time. We need you to go to the Nearby Plains, to the Lair of the Naughty Sorceress. Destroy her and rescue the kidnapped -- kingnapped -- King Ralph XI, and we'll release you from your servitude and let you live autonomously. Well, "live" in quotes, ha ha. We'll need to install these Three Laws of Robots Not Killing the Council in your head, but we can talk about that once you've finished the mission.
Subsequent times:
You must defeat the Naughty Sorceress, robot! We believe in you! Or rather, we believe in the engineers, mechanics, and programmers who created you, but that's basically the same thing.
After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
You did it! You defeated the Naughty... er, Nautomonous Sorceress! Wow, I know a whole bunch of engineers who are definitely getting raises after this. Or at least, after you actually free the King, since it appears that you left him up there. I forget if we made that part of the instructions explicit or not, but yeah, we probably should have. If you'd just go and do that, as like your last job for the Council, we'd appreciate it. Any old time.
The subsequent Mysterious Island text refers to Wargames, where the only winning move (to nuclear war) is not to play.
Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics were a fictional set of rules for robots to follow to avoid the possibility of them killing their creators, or anybody else.
