When playing the special challenge path of Z is for Zootomist, the text from the Council of Loathing differs.
Welcome, Adven-- oh. Are you sure you're an adventurer? I'm going to be honest with you, you look more like a late-model Peter Lorre in a dirty lab coat. Oh jeez, please don't get that crazy look in your eyes, you're an adventurer, sure, it's fine! It's fine.
- Look, why don't you just head over to the Toot Oriole's place, see if he's left a letter for you. While you're gone I'll see what sort of quests we've got for an adventurer of your... whatever it is.
- Good grief, we sure got a real one this time.
- After visiting the Toot Oriole, but before reading King Ralph's Note:
- Oh, you're back! That was quicker than I was hop-- er, expecting. Why don't you go ahead and read that letter from the Toot while I take a last-minute nervous shuffle through my papers, here.
- After reading King Ralph's note:
- Hi, okay, well, I'm still looking for suitable quests for an adventurer of your... let's say, stature. We really don't get a lot of mad scientists or extremely unlicensed medical practitioners coming through here. If you could, you know, bulk up a little? That would help a lot.
- Why don't you check out the Outskirts of Cobb's Knob, in the Nearby Plains? Get some exercise, you know?
- Or maybe the Haunted Pantry is more your style -- you can find it inside Spookyraven Manor over on the Right Side of the Tracks. I guess I didn't need to say 'maybe' there.
- Another option is The Sleazy Back Alley, on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. I don't think anyone's running a black market organ transplant operation back there, but I'm sure you can find something to do anyway.
- When no quests are available:
- I'm sorry, but I don't have any more quests for you at the moment. Please go away, you're frightening me.
- Maybe when you're more... more... more I don't want to think about it, I'll have something for you to do.
- Aaaahhh! Who is that? Take that mask off!
- Aaaahhhhh!! Put it back on! Put it back on!
Quests
- Ah, you're back. And you've brought one of your familiars with you! How cute! ...Wait, is it... have you...
- ...
- ...
- ...Okay, well. Well, now that we've established what your deal is -- and it's quite a deal, yes, that's really a whole thing, isn't it -- I can definitely say that this first task I've got for you is right up your alley. I need you to go to the Spooky Forest, and bring us back a mosquito larva. Please don't come any closer, just hold up your map and I'll point to where it is.
- We still need that mosquito larva, adventurer. Please go away and find one. Please go away. Please.
- When returning with the mosquito larva:
- Ah, you're back, and you've brought a mosquito larva. Swell.
- It's... loose, right? Not attached to you at all? Okay, good. My assistant tied this bucket to this long broom handle for me, so I could collect it from you. Just go ahead and drop it in there, thanks. There's some Meat in the bucket as well, that's for you. For spending.
- Yes, he did do a pretty good job of fixing the bucket to the broom handle. Glad to have your professional opinion on that.
- If you do not have a mosquito in your terrarium:
- You know what. You keep that larva, just don't tell us what you're going to do with it.
- We've received word that the... the...
- You've... you've got another little friend. Okay. Okay.
- inhale We've received word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in the Distant Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. I'm sure he'd reward you if you took care of it for him.
- ...More little animals for you. That must be exciting, right? Go have fun. Right now, go.
- The owner of the Typical Tavern is still bugging us about his rat problems. Have you been there yet? Because he didn't mention you, and I'm pretty sure he would have mentioned you.
- Okay, I found a job for you that I think you'll like -- we need you to kill the Boss Bat, which is a giant two-headed bat that lives in a hole on the Nearby Plains. Three heads are better than two, right? Ha ha...
- ...Four? Oh, it's four now. Yes, I see. Well, that's... even better, then.
- We still need you to slay the Boss Bat. He can be found in the Bat Hole, in the Nearby Plains.
- If you stuck a bunch of bats to yourself, would you be able to fly? Oh jeez, forget I asked that. I feel terrible for even wondering, let alone giving you the idea.
- After defeating the Boss Bat:
- Well done! You have slain the Boss Bat. And you haven't salvaged any parts from him, as far as I can see, so that's also nice.
- Well, I've got a job for you that is... maybe not a perfect match for your particular... talents. But as much as I wish it wasn't the case, you're our main go-to adventurer at the moment, somehow, and we've got an urgent situation on our hands.
- We've gotten word that the Knob Goblins, who normally keep to themselves over at Cobb's Knob, are planning a major military action against Seaside Town. We need for you to sneak into the Knob, and disrupt the situation by neutralizing the Goblin King.
- Our spies have determined that there is a secret entrance that will allow you to access the inside of the Knob. They recovered this map, but nobody knows how to read it, so you'll need to figure out how to decrypt the symbols on it if you're going to find that entrance. I hope you'll be able to keep your four little buddies -- I did notice there are four now, yes -- concealed and quiet, because if any of the goblins see you coming, they're going to raise an alarm for sure. I certainly want to scream my head off every time you walk in here.
- Before accessing the inside of the Knob:
- You need to find your way into Cobb's Knob, Adventurer -- try looking around the Outskirts for a clue that might help you figure out that map we gave you. Maybe one of your extra heads can sniff something out.
- After accessing the inside of the Knob:
- We still need you to neutralize the Goblin King, Adventurer! I'm sure disguising yourself is a tricky task, both practically and, I assume, emotionally -- though I do appreciate the fact that you continue to sort-of cover up your friends with that dirty lab coat instead of just running around naked and yelling your deeds to the whole world in five-part harmony. Thank you. But you are probably going to need some kind of disguise if you're going to get close to the Knob Goblin King.
- After defeating the Goblin King:
- Thank you for slaying the Goblin King, Adventurer. As much as I find you utterly disturbing to the point of terror, I can't deny that you've been effective. I'll see if I can find some more jobs for you. Hopefully ones that will take you farther away from here.
- The Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having a problem. One of their experiments has gone awry -- say, is that what happened to you? Was all this maybe unintentional? I've been afraid to ask.
- No? No yeah, you are clearly pretty satisfied with your situation. Okay. No, please don't tell me any details. I wish I'd been more afraid to ask than I was.
- Anyway, the Friars' grove has been invaded by demons. Please go help them sort that out.
- The Deep Fat Friars still require your assistance. Please go to the Distant Woods and help them out. Hopefully they won't immediately assume you're some kind of horrible demon yourself.
- Recently, an aura of extreme Spookiness has begun to emanate from within the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary. We fear that some horrible monster has taken up residence there, and begun to rile up the local undead.
- Yes, I thought you'd be excited about this one. The look of gleeful anticipation on your face -- faces -- is going to give me nightmares for the rest of my life. I can't wait to see what charming additions to your little family come out of this excursion, except by "can't wait" I mean "absolutely do not want".
- Here comes my bucket on a stick again -- you can use this device to help you locate the source of the Spookiness. I'd explain its functions to you, but you're some kind of scientist so I'm sure you can figure it out.
- The Spookiness still emanates from the Cyrpt, Adventurer. See if you can find and destroy the source. We used to ask you to bring back proof of your conquest, but we stopped worrying about that ages ago. And I am so so glad about that now.
- After defeating the Bonerdagon:
- Ahh, so the Bonerdagon was up to its old tricks again, eh? Well, I'm glad you put a stop to it. Without replacing your head with a giant chompy dragon skull.
- Hell, I've given you an idea again. No! Forget it! I will not let you back in here if you do that!
- We've received an urgent letter from the Trapper, who needs assistance at his cabin, at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge. I'd advise you to dress up warm, but with -- good grief... seven?? -- little animals sewn to you, you'll probably be warm enough. Don't let the Trapper see them though, he might go berserk.
- You still have unfinished business with the Trapper, Adventurer. The two of you have somewhat related lines of work, so I'm sure you can find some common ground.
- Ah, hello. It's... good to see you. All of you. As it happens, we've gotten an urgent but not very specific, and to be honest largely unintelligible message from a minor noble named Black Angus. Who, as fortune would have it, lives quite a distance away from here, on the other side of the Orc Chasm.
- Go see what he needs and help him out, please. No need to hurry back.
- Your name is %playername%, right? This came in the mail for you. Actually, it says "%playername%, et al."
- The Highland Lord, Black Angus, still needs your help, Adventurer. And I really need you to go help him, so I can stop hearing the chirping/bleating/barking noises that are just constantly coming off of you.
- I'm glad... Glad? Well, let's say "glad" you're back, as something's happening that we definitely need an adventurer for. The Nearby Plains are filling up with huge trash -- no point in being coy about it, you know as well as I do that it's coming from the giant Castle in the Clouds in the Sky. Please find a way to get up there and put a stop to it.
- And! Same rule as with the Bonerdagon -- if you come back here in Big Head Mode, I'm not letting you in.
- Please sort out this garbage mess, Adventurer. This literal garbage that is causing a literal mess. If you've forgotten how to get up into the sky, well, I hesitate to just tell you directly but maybe if you poke around the Nearby Plains something will jog your memory.
- After completing the quest:
- You stopped the giant trash from falling! Thank you. And thank you, and thank you... you get the joke, no need to say it all nine times. You really are becoming extraordinarily nightmarish, by the way.
- Oh, by the way -- we found this in the garbage when we were cleaning up, and thought you might have some use for it. I don't want to know what for. Probably the best I could hope for would be a big surgical tools tray or something like that. Don't tell me.
 | You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- Ah, %playername%, excellent timing. We've just received a message from the Distant Lands -- it seems that your father, the renowned archaeologist -- and let me say that I wish you had decided to follow in those footsteps instead of going into veterinary surgery or whatever it is that your degree is in, if you have one -- has gone missing. Apparently, his life's work was to track down an ancient relic known only as the Holy MacGuffin. He left behind his diary, with instructions that it was to be delivered to you, but he didn't leave any funds to pay for shipping. So, you'll have to go pick it up yourself. Yourselves.
- You can travel there from the Travel Agency at The Shore, but there's a slight hitch -- the area you're going to requires a passport for entry, and there is just no way to take a valid passport photo of you. I'm not even going to make our officials try, I'd have to give them hazard pay. Instead, you'll need to acquire some forged identification documents from the Black Market, which I expect you already know is in the Black Forest. That's why I'm wearing this lockable steel cummerbund, so you can't get at my kidneys while I'm distracted.
- Once you've retrieved your father's diary, we request that you use his notes to track down the Holy MacGuffin for us, as an item of such power will obviously be of great help to us in our fight against the Naughty Sorceress and the other evils that plague our land. No, I'm not subtweeting you, whatever that is.
- Any luck getting your father's diary and recovering the Holy MacGuffin? It's a pretty important whatchamacallit, so we'd appreciate it if you'd get on that right away. Hopefully you'll be able to touch it without exploding. No, I'm still not suggesting that I think you're evil, but the people who made ancient holy artifacts did sometimes have pretty strict ideas about ethics. Not so much as it pertains to animals though, so you're probably fine.
- After completing the quest:
- Oh, you're back. I feel like it's been ages since I last saw you. I was really enjoying it. I'd just gotten to the point where I could close my eyes without seeing your horrific one-man zoo of a body.
- You've really committed to that bit, haven't you? There's almost nowhere left I can look at you and not get spoilers for a Cronenberg movie.
- What? Oh right, the Holy Macguffin! Yeah thanks, we'll pack it away somewhere like we usually do. And I don't even have to justify not throwing you a ticker-tape parade this time, because of course we're not going to make a public display of you. You can have the confetti, though. Here comes the bucket.
- Well, you know what time it is -- time for the hippies and frat boys to start hating each other even more than usual, and for me to tell you to go turn that conflict into an all-out war. Should be easy for you this time, you're nearly a whole army by yourself. How many of you are in that pile now? I don't want look close enough to count them, I'll freak out and start crying.
- Twelve, you say? Including the original you? Well, maybe not an army, but you could at least be the coach for a soccer team that is also entirely you. So that's something.
- Anyway, yeah, go start a war on the Mysterious Island for us. Franz Ferdinand, blah blah blah. I'll be here, under my desk, coming down from the fight-or-flight adrenaline rush.
- Please don't come back until you've started a war on the Mysterious Island. Did you forget how? I'll be honest, I don't exactly remember either. I think it's one of the ones where you have to wear a disguise. Which, yeah, we've already talked about how that might be troublesome for you.
- You've started the war? Great! Nice going. You're sure it's actually a war and not just everyone running away from you and coincidentally toward the battlefield, right? Okay, just making sure.
- Well then, the next order of business is to end the war. For either side, your choice. As always, that's not a matter of practical concern for us here on the Council, so long as one side or the other gets destroyed. Sometimes we do a betting pool on which side the adventurer will pick.
- Feel free to talk the other inhabitants of the island into helping you, if they'll talk to you. I'm going to stop talking to you now, because imagining the pile of random stitched-together animals that you are, charging around a battlefield, is making me physically ill.
- After defeating the hippies:
- Good job, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smelly hippies. The tourist trade is going to boom without them stinking up the place! Assuming nobody ever finds out about you and your involvement.
- I really hope the frat boys haven't learned anything from you. I super don't want to find out what that would do to sports. ...Well. I guess I am a little bit curious. In a train-wreck sort of way.
- Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to any one of your twelve heads.
| You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- After defeating the frat boys:
- Good job, adventurer! You finally rid the island of those smug bastard frat boys. The tourist trade is going to boom without them rowdying up all the bars! Assuming nobody ever finds out about you and your involvement.
- I really hope the hippies haven't learned anything from you. The back-to-nature crowd might start thinking a little too literally. We might have an actual Island of Dr. Moreau situation on our hands, instead of just a great big reference to it.
- Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to any one of your twelve heads.
| You acquire... something. [[Data:{{{item}}}]] |
- After defeating both sides:
- Congratulations, adventurer! You've managed to get both sides to wipe each other out, which means no witnesses to you or your psychopathic behavior. I was a bit worried about what would happen if the winning side decided to start taking cues from you, so this is definitely the best possible outcome.
- Here you go -- you're now a decorated war hero. Don't let it go to any one of your twelve heads.
- Well, adventurer, here we are -- the last quest. It's time for you to make your way up the Naughty Sorceress's tower, destroy her, and free King Ralph XI. You've made it this far, despite my being completely forthright about how much you sicken and horrify me, so there's no doubt that you have the guts to... the willpower to succeed at this final task.
- Her lair, in case you've forgotten, is east of the Nearby Plains. I'd say 'godspeed', but god certainly wants nothing to do with you.
- Please, please defeat the Naughty Sorceress and free the king, so I don't have to sit here anxiously biting my nails in anticipation of your next visit.
- After completing the quest, but before freeing the king:
- Aagh! You're back! Why do you still look like that, didn't you defeat the Naughty Sorceress?
- Oh, I see, you didn't free the King yet. Did you leave a sidequest unfinished, and wanted to polish that off before the King turns you back into a regular adventurer (which, if you didn't already know, he will)? Or did you just want to see if I had anything else funny to say if you came back and talked to me between these two adjacent events? I don't really have anything. I could just start releasing the screams I've been holding back this entire time? We could time how long my throat lasts.
- No? Okay then, see you after you free the King.
