The Florist Friar's Cottage/Messages

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Outdoor Plants

Rabid Dogwood
Friar: "Ah, the Rabid Dogwood," the Friar says. "He doesn't have much of a bite, but his bark is certainly annoying!"
The Rabid Dogwood rolls in something gross, then slimes your opponent with it. He looks absolutely furious.
The Rabid Dogwood jumps up and nails your opponent in the <neck> in a misguided show of affection. He looks pretty ticked off.
The Rabid Dogwood chews up your opponent's shoes, enraging it.
The Rabid Dogwood chews up one of your opponent's shoes. He looks none too happy about it.
The Rabid Dogwood follows your opponent around so close that its nose is bumping into its knees, tripping it every time its turns around. It's infuriating.
The Rabid Dogwood shakes itself and gets mouth-foam all over your opponent. He looks more angry than disgusted, but only just.
The Rabid Dogwood yips and yips and yips and yips at your opponent, enraging he[sic] until he wishes the dogwood would just bite and get it over with.
The Rabid Dogwood whines and barks to be let out just as your opponent was really getting into this fight. It looks pretty annoyed at the interruption.
The Rabid Dogwood whines that high-pitched nasal whistle that is directly wired to your opponent's rage gland.
The Rabid Dogwood barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks until your opponent is ready to scream.
Rutabeggar
Friar: The Friar smiles at your selection. "The Rutabeggar is a shameless panhandler, but always willing to share the fruits of his begging."
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Lost Touch with My Roots. Please Help," and waits for a passerby to give it some items.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Parents Died of Tuber Culosis. Please Help," and waits for a handout.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Greens Gnawed on By Rabbits. Please Help," and waits for a handout.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says ,"No One Knows How to Cook Me. Anything Helps," and waits for a handout.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Will Provide Starchy Meal For Loot," and waits for a handout.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Not Hungry (Photosynthesis) Just Broke," and panhandles for items.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Picked Before My Prime. Please Help," and waits for some items.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Insufficiently Delicious. Please Help," and waits for a donation.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Veteran of Garden Wars. Anything Helps," and waits for someone to give it items.
The Rutabeggar holds up a sign that says, "Family Boiled in Stew. Please Help," and waits for a handout.
Rad-ish Radish
Friar: "You know," the Friar says, "the Rad-ish Radish is at least three times more cool than the coolest cucumber!"
The Rad-ish Radish teaches you how to comb a perfect pompadour for maximum coolness.
The Rad-ish Radish shows you how that smoking might make you think you're cool, but what's really cool is not having cancer.
The Rad-ish Radish winks at you in an inexpert way, making you feel even cooler by comparison.
The Rad-ish Radish shows you some sick dance moves to use at your next Electric Boogaloo.
The Rad-ish Radish teaches you some sweet moves you can use next time you're on the prowl.
The Rad-ish Radish teaches you how to affect an air of cool disinterest. It's, y'know, okay, or whatever.
The Rad-ish Radish describes a bitchin' trick you can do on a BMX bike. You file it away for future reference.
The Rad-ish Radish teaches you how to look over the tops of your sunglasses for maximum coolness.
The Rad-ish Radish points out it is rich in Vitamin Ayyyyy. You practice your cool-guy "Ayyyy" for a bit.
The Rad-ish Radish teaches you some snappy comebacks to insults. Most of them are, "Ayyy, sit on it!"
Artichoker
Friar:"The Artichoker is a dangerous breed," the Friar says. "Keep it watered, and don't let it get close to your neck!"
The Artichoker artfully chokes your opponents until they look a lot less eager to fight.
The Artichoker dips down and chokes your opponent until it can barely stand.
The Artichoker chokes the life out of your opponent. Well, some of the life.
The Artichoker proves himself heartless, choking your opponent until he looks half-dead.
The Artichoker drops some horticulture on your opponent, strangling it until it looks hardly in any shape to fight.
The Artichoker squeezes your opponents windpipes until they can barely stand up, let alone fight effectively.
The Artichoker mutters, "if a man can't breathe, he can't fight," then applies that lesson to your opponent.
The Artichoker makes a heartless joke about "here's some good noose for you," and chokes your opponents until they're gasping for air.
The Artichoker strangles, garrotes, and otherwise respirationally inconveniences your opponents. And if a man can't breathe, he can't fight.
The Artichoker snarls something about how his heart was removed years ago, and chokes your opponent within 2 inches of her lives.
Monster AttackMonster attack power reduced by 9-11
Monster DefenseMonster defense reduced by 9-11
Smoke-ra
Friar:"You know," the Friar whispers, "some of the Order inhale the Smoke-ra's smoke to unwind at the end of the day. I don't recommend it."
The Smoke-ra produces a choking cloud of smoke, making the battlefield look like it just elected a new pope. Oh, and keeping your opponents from attacking you.
The Smoke-ra grunts, "Smooooooke," and puffs out a smokescreen to keep your opponents from attacking.
The Smoke-ra blows some smoke rings, then smoke cubes, then a full-on smokescreen between you and your opponent.
The Smoke-ra blows smoke up your ... uh, I mean, blows smoke between you and your opponent.
The Smoke-ra blows out a cloud of thick smoke, attracting nearby hippies and preventing your opponent from attacking you.
The Smoke-ra says, "remember kids, smoking is very bad for you, okay?" and throws up a cloud of smoke to stop your foes from attacking.
The Smoke-ra reminds you that smoking isn't cool, it just makes you look cool, then throws out a smokescreen to stop your opponents from attacking.
The Smoke-ra sends out some smoke on the water (or, y'know, the ground, whatever,[sic] making a smokescreen to prevent an attack.
The Smoke-ra produces a choking cloud of smoke, which gets in your opponent's eyes, preventing it from attacking you.
Skunk Cabbage
Friar: The Friar's eyes water as he plants the Skunk Cabbage. "Truly, one of Nature's more formidable odor-makers!" he says.
The skunk cabbage warns you to hold your nose, then hoses down him for 10-15 damage.
The skunk cabbage sprays your opponent for 10-15 damage, killing any chance of romance with the cat-tails.
The skunk cabbage says, "Le skunk! Le Pew!" and sprays it for 10-15 damage.
The skunk cabbage makes your eyes water as it hoses down your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The skunk cabbage squirts it for 10-15 damage, and doesn't even look embarrassed about it.
The skunk cabbage sprays your opponent for 10-15 damage. Man, it's going to take a lot of tomato juice to get that smell out.
The skunk cabbage turns its business end toward your opponent and gives him the business for 10-15 damage.
The skunk cabbage says, "you can call me Flower, if you want to," then sprays him for 10-15 damage.
The skunk cabbage suggests you might want to light some incense or something, then sprays him for 10-15 damage.
The skunk cabbage beats you at Cribbage by more than 30 points, then deals a stinky 10-15 damage to your opponent.
Deadly Cinnamon
Friar:The Friar sneezes a little as he plants the Deadly Cinnamon. "Make sure you wash your hands after you touch this little guy!" he chuckles.
The Deadly Cinnamon forces your opponents to swallow a spoonful of its spice, making them hack and cough and take 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon challenges your opponent to take 10-15 damage, and it's a challenge it can't refuse.
The Deadly Cinnamon blows powder right into your opponent's <neck>, burning him for 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon burns your opponent's buns for 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon toasts and crunches your opponents for 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon sticks to what it does best, which is spicing up your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon spits cinnamon oil at your opponents, searing them for 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon rolls right over your opponents for a fiery 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon coats toothpicks in cinnamon oil and spikes them into your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Deadly Cinnamon sticks it to your opponent for a spicy 10-15 damage.
Celery Stalker
Friar: "The Celery Stalker has some unpleasant tendencies," the Friar admits, "but that's just Nature's design."
The Celery Stalker makes a photo montage of your opponent with all the eyes X'd out. It freaks him out for 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker makes a little dolls[sic] that look like your opponent and nuzzles it, spooking your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker cuts a lock of your opponent hair to make a doll out of, freaking him out for 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker locks eyes with your opponent, blows a kiss, then drags a finger across his throat. The combination scares at least 10-15 damage out of it.
The Celery Stalker hangs out in the background, staring at your opponent, freaking it out for 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker pulls out a little notebook and scribbles notes about your opponent, giving him the shivers 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker tries to cut a piece off of your opponent as a souvenir. The attack fails, but the attempt scares him for 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker tries to kidnap your opponent. The attempt fails, but it scares him for 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker leaves a deeply disturbing love note for your opponent, scaring him for 10-15 damage.
The Celery Stalker reads a really disturbing poem about all the violent things he'd like to do to your opponent, scaring him for 10-15 damage.
Lettuce Spray
Friar: "Ah, the Lettuce Spray. Truly one of the holiest of my plants," the Friar says.
The Lettuce Spray throws a Hail Mary by saying a Hail Mary. You feel better when he's done.
The Lettuce Spray bows its leafy head and intones, "Non esse talem infantem," and you feel better.
The Lettuce Spray bows its leafy head and mumbles under its breath. You feel better.
The Lettuce Spray folds its leafy hands and mutters in Latin. You feel a little better.
The Lettuce Spray intones, "Poena autem non nocere," and you feel better.
The Lettuce Spray takes a leafy knee and says a prayer for you. You feel better.
The Lettuce Spray intones, "Ubi non est dolor, non lucrum," and you feel better as it raises its leafy head.
The Lettuce Spray intones, "Nil carborundum ab illegitimati." You feel better as it finishes its little prayer.
The Lettuce Spray bows its head and chants, "Sola est leuis vulnus," and you feel better.
The Lettuce Spray closes its eyes and mumbles about how it can play dominoes better than you can. For some reason, you feel refreshed.
HPYou gain 10−29 hit points.
Seltzer Watercress
Friar: The Friar says, "did you know that the Seltzer Watercress naturally secretes carbon dioxide to make its effervescent nectar?"
The Seltzer Watercress extends a vine with a pitcher-shaped leaf at the end, and pours some bubbly water in your mouth.
The Seltzer Watercress gives you love that's like water--in that its water restores your MP, like love restores your soul. Never mind.
The Seltzer Watercress burbles and bubbles with burbly bubbly water. You drink a healthy faceful.
The Seltzer Watercress squirts bubbly water at you, refreshing your MP and wiping out any wine or blood stains (or a combination thereof) you had on you.
The Seltzer Watercress shakes some droplets off of its broad leaves and into your broad mouth.
The Seltzer Watercress burbles up some bubbly water and gives it to you. Who knew plant spit could be so refreshing?
The Seltzer Watercress waves its leaves at you, spraying you with refreshing bubbly water.
The Seltzer Watercress gives you carbonation. In water.
The Seltzer Watercress bubbles up some bubbly water, and funnels it into your face to add to your bubbly personality.
The Seltzer Watercress squirts seltzer water at you. It's no more (or less) funny than when a clown does it, but it's more refreshing.
MPYou gain 5−15 Mana Points.

Indoor Plants

War Lily
Friar: "The War Lily is certainly no Shrinking Violet," the Friar says. "In fact, I had to stop stocking Shrinking Violets altogether. They're beautiful, but useless."
The War Lily sings the patriotic anthem of the flower tribe. It's a pretty irritating song, especially to your oppponent[sic].
The War Lily beats the drums of war. It's pretty obnoxious, and seems to particularly enrage your opponent.
The War Lily shouts, "they may pick our plants, but they'll never pick our FREEDOM!" Your opponent grumbles at the reference.
The War Lily encourages your opponent to buy war bonds, until it is so annoyed it wants to smash you into powder.
The War Lily throws propaganda leaflets into the air. Your opponent snarls, "don't litter in here, you jerk!" and looks enraged.
The War Lily gives an inspirational speech about the glory of war. It goes on so long your opponent starts to scowl and roll its eyes.
The War Lily pulls out a fife and plays a patriotic, and intensely annoying, tune. Your opponent gnashes its teeth and growls.
The War Lily lets slip the dogs of war, which bark so loudly they annoy your opponent.
The War Lily says, "you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!" Your opponent doesn't look too pleased at the interruption.
Stealing Magnolia
Friar: The Friar frowns slightly. "I don't agree with the Stealing Magnolia's penchant for theft," he says, "but who am I to question Nature's grand design?"
The Stealing Magnolia sees you don't know whether to scratch your watch or wind your butt, so it helps you look for more items.
The Stealing Magnolia knows a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste, so it puts its scheming mind to helping you steal more stuff.
The Stealing Magnolia jokes about how your hair looks like a big brown football helmet, then helps you look for more items.
The Stealing Magnolia calls your opponent{s} [a] pig{s}[sic] from hell, then helps you look for more items.
The Stealing Magnolia knows that the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize, so it helps you find more stuff.
The Stealing Magnolia jokes that you're too twisted for color TV, then helps you find more items.
The Stealing Magnolia reminds you that a true gentleman takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it, then helps you find more items.
The Stealing Magnolia says, "there is no such thing as natural beauty," and looks for some items to steal to help you out.
Canned Spinach
Friar: "Did you know that Canned Spinach actually doesn't contain massive amounts of iron to give you strength? But don't tell the Spinach that!" the Friar says, chuckling.
The Canned Spinach throws some leaves into your mouth. You gulp them down and flex your giant forearms.
The Canned Spinach sticks a corncob pipe in your mouth, then shotguns spinach into it to make you stronger. Or possibly kill you.
The Canned Spinach has you do some crunches and jumping-jacks after the fight, so you can stay strong to the finich.
The Canned Spinach demands you do a couple of push-ups after the fight. Man, no wonder he got fired from his last gig.
The Canned Spinach spots you on some free weights while he tells you about the pop-eyed lunatic who fired him from his last job.
The Canned Spinach tells you a yarn about a night he spent with a bunch of stewed tomatoes, while you do some push-ups and pull-ups.
The Canned Spinach tosses a few leaves into your mouth. You munch them and feel a little mightier.
The Canned Spinach arm-wrestles you while regaling the sad story of how he got fired from his last job.
The Canned Spinach orders you to run some laps after the fight, so you can stay in fightin' trim.
The Canned Spinach has you do some shadowboxing after the fight, to work your gigantic forearms.
Impatiens
Friar: "Good things come to those who wait," the Friar says, "but the Impatiens will take what it can get right now."
The Impatiens rolls its eyes, checks its watch, and glares at you. You sheepishly hurry up into the fight.
The Impatiens checks its watch, then screams, "GET IN THERE, ALREADY!"
The Impatiens taps its roots, looks pointedly at its watch, and spurs you into battle.
The Impatiens shouts, "PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL, DANGIT!" and shoves you into the fight.
The Impatiens scowls at you and screams "Go go go go go!"
The Impatiens shouts, "GO FIGHT WIN!" and shoves you forward.
The Impatiens shouts, "Always for DO!" and pushes you into the fight.
The Impatiens shouts, "GET THE LEAD OUT OF YOUR SHORTS, JUNIOR!" and shoves you into the fight.
The Impatiens says, "if it's not too much trouble, could you GET INTO THE FIGHT NOW?!" Chastened, you add a little hustle.
The Impatiens picks you up bodily and launches you into the fray.
Spider Plant
Friar: "The Spider Plant is really misunderstood," the Friar says. "Its venom is a natural defense against predators! It simply lacks the faculty to distinguish predators from 'anyone close by.'"
The Spider Plant proves it is your hero by biting your opponent for 10-15 damage, adding some poison for extra injury.
The Spider Plant knows with great mandibles full of poisonous venom comes great responsibility to bite people, so it bites it for 10-15 damage.
The Spider Plant does whatever a spider can't, and then bites your opponent for a poisonous 10-15 damage.
The Spider Plant stabs a venomous mandible into your opponent, doing a poisonous 10-15 damage.
The Spider Plant proves you don't have to have radioactive blood to be strong, just mandibles full of venom, by biting it for 10-15 damage.
The Spider Plant skitters up to it and bites it for 10-15 damage, then adds a soupcon of poisonous venom for good measure.
The Spider Plant spins a web with the message, "I'M GOING TO BITE YOU," then bites it with poison mandibles for 10-15 damage.
The Spider Plant pauses in its story about how an old lady swallowed it one time to bite them for a poisonous 10-15 damage.

In subsequent rounds:

Your opponent writhes as it takes X damage from the poison.
Red Fern
Friar: The Friar chokes back tears as he plants the Red Fern. "This plant tells the saddest stories," he says, "can you believe some people think they're appropriate for children?"
The Red Fern tells a story about the two best huntin' dogs a kid ever had, and all the sad things that happen to them. Your opponent sobs, devastated.
The Red Fern tells a story about a dog that goes to heaven. Your opponent weeps copiously.
The Red Fern sobs through a story about a beloved toy that comes to life, then dies in a fire. Your opponent looks emotionally drained.
The Red Fern tells a story about a deer and his mother out on the meadow together. The end of it leaves your opponent sobbing and drained.
The Red Fern tells a story about a lion whose father falls off a cliff. Your opponents look pretty emotionally disturbed by it.
The Red Fern tells a story about a baby elephant with giant ears. Your opponents cry their eyes out when the elephant's mom gets locked up and can't see her child.
The Red Fern tells a story about two friends who invent a magical land together, and then one of them dies. Your opponent sobs, emotionally drained.
The Red Fern tells a story about an old, yellow dog. By the end of it, your opponent is emotionally drained.
The Red Fern tells a sad story about a horse sinking into a swamp of sadness. Your opponent look pretty torn up by it.
The Red Fern sobs through a story about a beloved, deceased pet, bumming out your opponent something awful.
Monster AttackMonster attack power reduced by 2-4
Monster DefenseMonster defense reduced by 2-4
BamBOO!
Friar: The Friar shivers as he plants the BamBOO! "I wouldn't want to meet one of these in a dark alley," he says.
The BamBOO! sneaks up to your opponent and shouts, "BOOOO!" freaking him out for 10-15 damage.
The BamBOO! tells a story about a freaky girl that lives in your TV. Even though your opponent probably doesn't know what a TV is, he gets scared for 10-15 damage.
The BamBOO! tells a story about a guy with a hook hand who kills young lovers, scaring your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The BamBOO! shows your opponent pictures from a book of scary stories to tell in the dark, scarring him for life (and 10-15 damage).
The BamBOO! shines a flashlight under its face and tells a spooky story, terrifying your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The BamBOO! tells a story about a gibbering, loathsome horror from beyond the stars, freaking out your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The BamBOO! creeps behind your opponent and wails like a banshee, freaking him out for 10-15 damage.
The BamBOO! sneaks up behind your opponent and tickles the hairs on the back of his neck, scaring him for 10-15 damage.
The BamBOO! makes spooky ghostly noises, freaking your opponent out for 10-15 damage.
Arctic Moss
Friar: "Always wear gloves when you handle Arctic Moss," the Friar says, "unless you want to turn your green thumbs black with frostbite!"
The Arctic Moss says, "relax and have a COLD one!" and freezes it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss says, "everybody FREEZE!" and freezes it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss, though very skinny, effectively freezes it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss says, "ICE to meet you!" and freezes it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss says, "I'm afraid my condition has left me COLD to your entreaties!" and hits it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss says, "there's SNOW way you'll survive this!" and freezes it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss says, "I'm the wonder from the tundra!" and chills it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss says, "no stone shall ever gather me!" and freezes it for 10-15 damage.
The Arctic Moss says, "you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake!" and freezes it for 10-15 damage.
Aloe Guv'nor
Friar: "Ah, the cheeky, cheery Aloe Guv'nor," the Friar says, smiling. "He's as useful as his accent is adorable."
The Aloe Guv'nor heals some of your HP, and doesn't even demand some Becks in return.
The Aloe Guv'nor says, "looks like you're in deep Barney, mate!" and heals some of your HP.
The Aloe Guv'nor eats some pizzer and a beeah, then restores some of your HP.
The Aloe Guv'nor says, "You won't Adam and Eve what I can do, chum!" and restores some of your HP.
The Aloe Guv'nor guzzles some HP sauce, then restores some of your HP.
The Aloe Guv'nor says, "Cor, you look like you fell down the Apples, mate!" and heals you a bit.
The Aloe Guv'nor says, "this'll set you roight, mate!" and heals some of your HP.
The Aloe Guv'nor says, "take a butcher's at what I can do, mate!" and restores some of your HP.
The Aloe Guv'nor downs some bangers 'n' mash, then heals you a bit.
The Aloe Guv'nor says, "let's pop 'round to the pub for a pint, mate!" and heals you a little.
The Aloe Guv'nor sings a song about chimney sweeping with a questionable accent, then heals you a bit.
HPYou gain 10−30 hit points.
Pitcher Plant
Friar: "You know, some of the Order tried to cross-breed a Pitcher Plant with yeast so it would yield beer," the Friar says, "but I personally enjoy the soft drinks it produces naturally."
The Pitcher Plant leafs through its recipes, then pours you out some sparkling cider.
The Pitcher Plant upends itself over you. Fortunately, it's full of refreshing seltzer water.
The Pitcher Plant pours you a drink. Turns out it was full of Dyspepsi-Cola! Neat!
The Pitcher Plant pours you some Sarsaparilla. You can't spell it, but you can sure be refreshed by it.
The Pitcher Plant throws a baseball at you. Just kidding; it actually pours some Mountain Stream down your throat.
The Pitcher Plant pours some sparkling water down your gullet.
The Pitcher Plant bubbles to carbonate the water inside it, then pours it down your throat.
The Pitcher Plant curls a leaf into a cup, fills it with tonic water, and gives you a refreshing drink.
The Pitcher Plant digs deep and pours you out a glass of root beer.
The Pitcher Plant pours you some ginger ale. It's good for what ails you.
MPYou gain 5−15 Mana Points.

Underground Plants

Blustery Puffball
Friar: "Oh, the Blustery Puffball!" the Friar says, shaking his head. That little scamp is mostly harmless, but his aggressive speech can enrage even a mild-mannered Friar."
The Blustery Puffball shouts, "do you even know who I AM?" Your opponent looks enraged by its bluster.
The Blustery Puffball cries havoc and lets slip the dogs of war. It doesn't help you much, but it sure ticks off your opponents.
The Blustery Puffball delivers a long-winded serious of insults about your opponent and its mother. It looks pretty upset.
The Blustery Puffball says, "come on, bro! Fight me in real life! Do you even LIFT?" Your opponents look pretty annoyed.
The Blustery Puffball delivers a speech that inspires you a little and enrages your opponent a lot.
The Blustery Puffball delivers a long-winded speech about FREEDOM! Your opponent rolls his eyes and looks pretty mad.
The Blustery Puffball says, "come at me, if you think you're hard enough!" Your opponent looks enraged by its bluster.
Horn of Plenty
Friar: The Friar stops to listen as he plants the Horn of Plenty. "What lovely music this plant makes. Truly one of Nature's marvels," he says, swaying.
The Horn of Plenty blows a little tune, then dances a little jig.
The Horn of Plenty looks within itself to see if there are any extra items in there.
The Horn of Plenty searches for extra items, blowing a loud fanfare all the while.
The Horn of Plenty reaches within itself for some extra items. You should probably avert your eyes, just to be polite.
The Horn of Plenty plays a little smooth jazz while it looks for extra items.
The Horn of Plenty blows a loud fanfare, calling your attention to some more items you missed.
The Horn of Plenty blows! Specifically, it blows a tune that makes you dance a little.
The Horn of Plenty searches for more items, keeping a wary eye out for Uruk-Hai.
The Horn of Plenty tootles a jaunty little tune while it looks for more items for you.
The Horn of Plenty avoids twenty-four murderous teenagers while it looks for extra items for you.
Wizard's Wig
Friar: "The Wizard's Wig is a natural font of Mysticality," the Friar says, "it can help you delve into the mysteries of the universe. Just don't ask what its sexual orientation is."
The Wizard's Wig says, "Yer a wizard, adventurer." You feel a little more mystical.
The Wizard's Wig shouts, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" You feel more mystical just standing next to it.
The Wizard's Wig teaches you how to put a piece of your soul into an inanimate object. You'll never do it, but you feel more magical for the info.
The Wizard's Wig teaches you how to read tea leaves. It's a pretty useless skill, but it makes you a little more magical.
The Wizard's Wig shuffles a deck of cards and finds the one you picked, then shows you how the trick is done.
The Wizard's Wig teaches you how to make beer out of butter. It sounds disgusting, but you feel more magical for knowing how it's done.
The Wizard's Wig warns you not to let your love of the halflings' leaf cloud your mind. You feel more magical for the advice.
The Wizard's Wig tells you that it was born to rune. You feel more mystical just standing next to it.
Shuffle Truffle
Friar: "Take care around this Shuffle Truffle," the Friar says, "for he'll shove you into battle whether you're ready or not!"
The Shuffle Truffle gets you into the fight sooner, using techniques it learned avoiding hungry pigs.
The Shuffle Truffle distracts the monster with a silly belly-baring dance so you can attack first.
As you approach your opponent, the Shuffle Truffle gives you an extra shove so you get there first.
The Shuffle Truffle rubs some truffle oil on your feet, letting you slide into battle first.
The Shuffle Truffle shuffles you into combat before your opponent know what hit it.
The Shuffle Truffle pulls out a shuffleboard stick and shoves you into battle.
The Shuffle Truffle drops a spore. You slip on it and slide into the fight a little sooner than you would have otherwise.
Dis Lichen
Friar: The Friar plants the Dis Lichen, then covers his ears. "Pay no mind to the uncouth things this plant says," he says, "for it's just mimicking what it's heard elsewhere."
The Dis Lichen says, "Yo' mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror she cries because she knows she will never know love!" Your opponent looks crushed by the insult.
The Dis Lichen says, "You're such a depraved <wagtail>, even your crabs have herpes!" Your opponents look devastated by the insult.
The Dis Lichen says, "to call you a waste of space is an insult to wastes of space!" Your opponent looks ashamed.
The Dis Lichen says, "you're so ugly, your face could stop a sundial!" Your opponents look cowed by the insult.
The Dis Lichen says, "Yo' mama is so <stout>, when she sits around the house, she cries about her obesity!" Your opponents look demoralized.
The Dis Lichen says, "if I were you, I'd kick my own arse!" Your opponent stares at the ground, demoralized.
The Dis Lichen says, "<wagtail>!" Your opponent has to admit the Lichen has a point, and looks demoralized.
The Dis Lichen says, "yo mama so stupid, she tried to read alphabet soup!" Your opponent blushes, abashed.
Monster AttackMonster attack power reduced by 9-11
Monster DefenseMonster defense reduced by 9-11
Loose Morels
Friar: The Friar shakes his head at the Loose Morels. "We of the Order have tried to reform the Loose Morels, but they seem content to wallow in sleaze," he says, sadly.
The Loose Morels tell a shameful anecdote about the <royalty> of <location> and the <animal>. They are so shocked, they take 10-15 damage.
The Loose Morels tell your opponents a singularly dirty joke about the <office worker>, the <animal>, and the <tool>. They blush and take 10-15 damage.
The Loose Morels flash their stems at your opponent, scandalizing him for 10-15 damage.
The Loose Morels give your opponents a wink so bawdy, it does 10-15 damage.
The Loose Morels recite all eleven words you shouldn't say on the radio, scandalizing them for 10-15 damage.
The Loose Morels show your opponent a dirty flip-book featuring a jar of peanut butter, a box of raisins, and a buxom stalk of celery. He takes 10-15 damage from the sight.
The Loose Morels flirt shamelessly with your opponent, scandalizing him for 10-15 damage.
The Loose Morels invent a new eleven-letter swear word. It's so foul, your opponent takes 10-15 damage just hearing it.
The Loose Morels whisper come-ons into your opponent ears that are so naughty, they do 10-15 damage.
The Loose Morels release a cloud of naughty spores at your opponent for 10-15 damage.


Foul Toadstool
Friar: The Friar plugs his nose and plants the Foul Toadstool. "Foul Toadstools have a naturally unpleasant aroma, but their complete disregard for hygiene makes it even worse," he says.
The Foul Toadstool peels back its cap to reveal some truly expressive stench, hitting your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Foul Toadstool breathes its grotty breath at your opponents for 10-15 damage.
The Foul Toadstool releases a cloud of spores so disgusting they make your opponents want to croak, doing 10-15 damage.
The Foul Toadstool demonstrates its lack of hygiene, hitting your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Foul Toadstool releases a cloud of gas at them, dealing a stinky 10-15 damage.
The Foul Toadstool wafts stench at it for 10-15 damage.
The Foul Toadstool throws some stinky spores at it for 10-15 damage.
The Foul Toadstool never washes its stem, and when it makes your opponent smell it, they takes[sic] 10-15 damage.
Chillterelle
Friar: "Don't lick this Chillterelle," the Friar says, "or your tongue will stick to it, and then you'll be in a pretty pickle indeed! Hmm, I wonder if the Order has any Pretty Pickle seeds."
The Chillterelle says, "I'm about to make your blood run COLD!" and freezes him for 10-15 damage.
The Chillterelle puffs frigid spores at your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Chillterelle says, "ice, ice baby, too cold," and puffs frigid air at your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Chillterelle says, "how could I just leave you standing alone in a world that's so cold?" and freezes your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Chillterelle says, "it's about to get very COLD in here," and freezes him for 10-15 damage.
The Chillterelle radiates waves of intense cold at your opponent, making her shiver for 10-15 damage.
The Chillterelle says, "I'm going to put you on ICE!" and freezes your opponent for 10-15 damage.
The Chillterelle says, "I'm about to give you the COLD shoulder! And everything else!" and freezes your opponent for 10-15 damage.
Portlybella
Friar: "The Portlybella is absolutely delightful!" the Friar says, smiling. "Her sunny spirit, even in the dark, is good for what ails you."
The Portybella tends to your wounds as only an obese mushroom can. Which, surprisingly, is fairly effective.
The Portlybella sings an aria, then assures you that it isn't over because the fat mushroom sang. You laugh and feel better.
The Portlybella giggles and jiggles until you have to laugh along, and we all know laughter is the best medicine.
The Portlybella does a truffle shuffle, making you feel better through the healing power of laughter.
The Portlybella laughs a hearty belly (and bella) laugh, making you feel a little better.
The Portlybella shakes like a bowlful of jelly (jella?), and you giggle and feel a little better.
The Portlybella unwinds some of her voluminous skirt and tends to your wounds.
The Portlybella laughs a rich, jolly laugh. You laugh along, and your wounds seem to heal a bit.
The Portlybella declines to sing, which means it isn't over, so you feel better.
The Portlybella tells some jokes about life as a fat shroom, making you laugh until you feel better.
HPYou gain 10−30 hit points.
Max Headshroom
Friar: "Th-th-this is one of the weirdest plants we have," the Friar says, planting the Max Headshroom. "We have not yet discerned what purpose its stutter serves."
Max Headshroom stutters, cocks his head, and shocks you with electrified spores.
Max Headshroom stutters, glitches, and shocks you with some electrified spores.
Max Headshroom showers you with New Cloaca-Cola. It's sweeter than Cloaca-Classic, but the bubbles are refreshing.
Max Headshroom says, "c-c-catch the wave!" and pours you a New Cloaca-Cola. It's refreshing.
Max Headshroom invites you to c-c-catch the wave, then throws some electrified spores your way.
Max Headshroom puts out a tendril and sh-sh-shocks you.
Max Headshroom sh-sh-shocks you with an electrified c-c-cloud of spores.
Max Headshroom sh-sh-sh-shocks you with some news -- news -- news about the fight you j-j-j-j-j-just -- just had.
MPYou gain 5−15 Mana Points.

Underwater Plants

Spankton
Friar: "The Spankton is a truly naughty little scamp!" the Friar says. "Don't turn your back on it!"
The Spankton smacks your opponent on the hindquarters, shocking and demoralizing it.
The Spankton pulls out a perfectly perforated paddle and pummels your opponent, humiliating it.
The Spankton paddles your opponent, demanding it say "thank you, may I have another" after each swat. It's pretty demoralizing.
The Spankton whips out a paddle and gives your opponent whatfor, completely humiliating it.
The Spankton takes your opponent to the proverbial woodshed, leaving it a great deal meeker than before.
The Spankton swings wildly with his paddle, exhausting your opponent as they try to dodge.
The Spankton makes your opponent assume the position, then smacks it until it is thoroughly demoralized.
The Spankton delivers a series of stinging smacks to your opponent. It doesn't really hurt, but it's definitely embarrassing.
The Spankton gives your opponent ten of the best. It looks considerably worse for wear afterward.
The Spankton gives your opponent a healthy smack on the rump, humiliating and dismaying it.
Monster AttackMonster attack power reduced by 40-59
Monster DefenseMonster defense reduced by 40-60
Kelptomaniac

Friar: "Try not to judge the Kelptomaniac for its thieving ways," the Friar says. "It's just doing what Nature designed it to do."

The Kelptomaniac's shifty little eyes never stop looking for things it can steal.
The Kelptomaniac brushes through the seagrass, looking for items to steal.
The Kelptomaniac's tendrils waft hither and yon, looking for items to purloin.
The Kelptomaniac looks for stealable items it can add to its bulging pockets.
The Kelptomaniac keeps one eye out for the fuzz, and another eye out for stealable goods.
The Kelptomaniac compulsively looks around for stuff to steal.
The Kelptomaniac tries to find something upon which it can take a 5-tendril discount.
The Kelptomaniac sifts through the sand, looking for stuff it can steal.
The Kelptomaniac looks for items to add to its cache of ill-gotten goods, and good-gotten ills.
The Kelptomaniac's tendrils never stop twitching, seeking items it can purloin.
Crookweed
Friar: "Watch your wallet around the Crookweed!" the Friar says. "And it doesn't really have a bridge to sell you, or embezzled oil fortunes to share with you, no matter what it says."
The Crookweed sells the Octopus's Garden to a naive stingray for some extra Meat.
The Crookweed mugs a passing jellyfish for extra Meat.
The Crookweed holds up a passing seahorse wagon train for extra Meat.
The Crookweed knocks over a nearby riverbank for more Meat.
The Crookweed deals some seagrass to a jamfish band for some extra Meat.
The Crookweed looks through your defeated opponent{s'}['s][sic] pockets for extra Meat.
The Crookweed sifts through the sand, looking for Meat to steal.
The Crookweed robs your defeated opponent{s} for some extra Meat.
The Crookweed holds up an aquatic liquor store for some extra Meat.
Electric Eelgrass
Friar: The Friar pulls on some rubber gloves to plant the Electric Eelgrass. "Make sure you stay grounded around this little guy!" he warns.
The Electric Eelgrass conducts a symphony of incapacitation for your opponent, and proves an excellent conductor.
The Electric Eelgrass pumps alternating current through your opponent until he is in no condition to attack.
The Electric Eelgrass shocks your opponent, even though he requests not to be tased, bro, preventing him from attacking this round.
The Electric Eelgrass hits your opponent with an attack so electrifying, it gives him chills that keep multiplyin' until he can't attack.
The Electric Eelgrass shocks the crap out of your opponent. He is too electrified to attack this round.
The Electric Eelgrass incapacitates your opponent with an electrical attack, though some nearby jamfish shout, "Judas!"
The Electric Eelgrass conducts a debilitating electric attack, and watt's more, your opponent offers little resistance.
The Electric Eelgrass does an Electric Boogaloo that stops your opponent from attacking.
The Electric Eelgrass hires your opponent for the Electric Company. P....AIN...PAIN. He is in too much pain to attack.
The Electric Eelgrass shocks your opponent with the electric feel, preventing him from attacking.
Duckweed
Friar: "Did you know the Duckweed plant's quack does not echo?" the Friar says. "You didn't? That's because it's not true. Anyway, this plant will keep you safe in battle."
The Duckweed shouts, "Duck!" as the monster{s} attack[s][sic], and you take its advice.
The Duckweed yanks you down out of the way of the incoming attack. Whew!
The Duckweed, hardened by years of rolling around in a vault full of gold coins, pulls you out of the way of an incoming attack.
The Duckweed warns of an incoming attack with a deafening "QUACK!" You duck and avoid getting hit.
The Duckweed is the terror that flaps in the night, and also the plant that pulled you out of the way of an attack.
The Duckweed yanks you out of the way of an incoming attack. You wish you had some bread crumbs for it as a thank-you.
The Duckweed warns you that the quack attack is back, Jack! You duck and the monster{s} miss[es][sic] you.
The Duckweed pulls you out of the way of an incoming attack. It misses, and a dog pops out of the seagrass and laughs at your opponent{s}.
Orca Orchid
Friar: "Beware the Orca Orchid!" the Friar says. "It may look adorable, almost like it's smiling, but it's a vicious predator."
The Orca Orchid, free as a willy, bites your opponent for 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid asks, "will you be there?" then bites your opponent for 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid welcomes your opponent to the Sea World, mauling him for 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid pretends your opponent is a particularly delicious penguin, snacking on him for 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid makes a light snack of your opponent, gnawing him for 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid orchestrates a pretty vicious attack, biting your opponent for 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid tailsmacks your opponent, then bites him, for a total of 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid obliterates your opponent for 30-50 damage. Man, you hope there aren't fouler things than orca in the deep places of the earth.
The Orca Orchid descends on your opponent, mauling and chewing them for 30-50 damage.
The Orca Orchid turns itself black, white, and red all over, biting your opponent for 30-50 damage.
Sargassum
Friar: "No one knows why the Sargassum emits such foul clouds of gas," the Friar says. "Some in the Order speculate it converts sunlight to methane."
The Sargassum gasses your opponent with smelly gas for 20-40 damage. Yes, it's an underwater gas cloud. Deal.
The Sargassum emits a silent and deadly gas cloud, hitting your opponent for 20-40 damage.
The Sargassum clears the room (or this part of the Sea) with a stinky cloud of gas. Your opponent doesn't swim away fast enough, and takes 20-40 damage.
The Sargassum floats by your opponent and stealthily hits it with a gas cloud for 20-40 damage.
The Sargassum emits a cloud of stinky gas, gassing your opponent for 20-40 damage.
The Sargassum puffs out a cloud of killer stinky gas, hitting your opponent for 20-40 damage.
The Sargassum gasses your opponents for 20-40 damage, then paints you a picture. It's kind of artsy-fartsy that way.
The Sargassum puffs out a gas cloud that envelops your opponent, doing a really unpleasant 20-40 damage.
The Sargassum gasses your opponent for 20-40 damage, then insists that whomever smelt it dealt it.
Sargassum? Heck, it darn near killed 'em! Or, more precisely, the Sargassum's gas cloud hit it for 20-40 damage.
Sub-Sea Rose
Friar: "Beware the thorns of the Sub-Sea Rose!" the Friar says, planting it with care. "They're sharp enough to break the skin, and cold enough to freeze your blood."
The Sub-Sea Rose deals out a bouquet of frigid pain, doing 20-40 damage.
The Sub-Sea Rose gives your opponent a frigid grey kiss for a comparable 20-40 damage.
The Sub-Sea Rose breaks off a frigid bud and hurls it at your opponent for 20-40 damage.
The Sub-Sea Rose freezes your opponent for 20-40 damage, making it wish a weird, stubborn kid would come put the rose under a glass globe.
The Sub-Sea Rose scratches your opponent with icicle thorns, doing 20-40 damage.
The Sub-Sea Rose puffs out frigid water, freezing your opponent for 20-40 damage.
The Sub-Sea Rose has its thorns, and they're frigid thorns, and they scratch your opponent for 20-40 damage.
The Sub-Sea Rose demonstrates that it loves your opponent not, by freezing it for 20-40 damage.
The Sub-Sea Rose can make a man a king, but chooses to freeze your opponent for 20-40 damage instead.
The Sub-Sea Rose wafts frigid water over your opponent for 20-40 damage.
Snori
Friar: "No one in the Order has ever observed a Snori awake," the Friar says. "One wonders what it's dreaming about."
The Snori snores, then goes, "mimimimi," on the exhale. It's so adorable you feel refreshed just watching it.
The Snori snores adorabli. You giggle and feel refreshed.
The Snori's adorable little snores wash over you, making you feel refreshed.
The Snori appears to be dreaming about you feeling refreshed, and it's a pretty powerful dream.
You lie down next to the Snori and take a quick nap, awaking refreshed.
The Snori snores loudly and a little air bubble pops out of its nose. You laugh and feel refreshed.
The Snori turns in its sleep, hiccuping adorably. You feel refreshed just watching it sleep. Even though watching people sleep is creepy.
The Snori's snores lull you into a fugue state. When you return to your senses, you feel refreshed.
The Snori sleepwalks over to you and gives you a backrub.
The Snori's soothing snores make you feel calm and refreshed.
HPYou gain 20−30 hit points.
MPYou gain 10−20 Mana Points.
Up Sea Daisy
Friar: "Nothing can lift your spirits better than an Up Sea Daisy!" the Friar says. "Just having it around makes you get more out of life."
The Up Sea Daisy lifts your spirits and your stats with a series of inspiring anecdotes.
The Up Sea Daisy says it's half-crazy for the love of you. You feel your spirits and stats rise.
The Up Sea Daisy raises your spirits and your stats with its optimistic outlook.
The Up Sea Daisy smiles beatifically at you, telling you what a good job you're doing.
The Up Sea Daisy tells you a heartwarming story about an old man lifting his house with a bunch of balloons. Just hearing it lifts your stats a bit.
The Up Sea Daisy reminds you that every cloud has a silver lining, and every silver lining has a playbook. Your spirits and stats rise.
The Up Sea Daisy tells you an inspiring anecdote about the rulers of the sea-flower kingdom, the Daisy Dukes. The story lifts your spirits and your stats.
The Up Sea Daisy says, "you're doing a great job! Keep it up up up!" You feel like you're getting more out of combat just by having it near.
The Up Sea Daisy gives you a green thumbs-up and a smile.
The Up Sea Daisy smiles at you, raising your spirits and your stats.

Notes

  • Translations of the Lettuce Spray's Latin (or mock-latin) phrases are as follows:
    • Nil carborundum ab illegitimati = Don't let the bastards grind you down
    • Sola est leuis vulnus = It's only a flesh wound
    • Poena autem non nocere = And the pain does not hurt
    • Non esse talem infantem = Don't be such a baby
    • Ubi non est dolor, non lucrum = Where there's no pain, no gain
  • The Dis Lichen has variable text with multiple levels. One of his 10(?) possible insults uses a gigantic Archaic Insult template; there are also templates for Archaic Insult Nouns, Archaic Insult Adjectives, Fat Words, and Slut Words (and possibly others!), which are used in both the archaic insults, and also in some of his other, non-archaic insults. The archaic insults known so far are:
    • "In sooth, I have never seen a more <fen-sucked> <wagtail> than thou!!"
    • "What's that? Didst thou say thou art a pathetic tickle-brained <wagtail>? Then thou speakest sooth!!"
    • "Wouldst thou match wits with me, thou flap-wagging <wagtail>? I see thou'rt unarmed for such a contest!!"
    • "I would not expect a gorbellied elephant seal-biting <wagtail> like thee to understand even the depths of thine own worthlessness!!"
    • "I shall not waste words with thee, but merely observe thou art a rank <fen-sucked> <wagtail>.!"[sic]
    • "Thy daughter is so <stout>, when she doth sit around thy swine-pen of a house, she really sits around thy swine-pen of a house!!"
    • "Verily, I am surprised that thou took time from thy busy self-rutting schedule to cross words with me, thou <wagtail>!!"
    • "Thy niece is so <stout>, when she sitteth in a hot bath, she maketh her own gravy!!"
    • "Thy <daughter> is an <stout> <purveyor of the world's oldest profession>. If that offendeth thee, thou shouldst not shoot the messenger!!"
    • "Thou'rt so dull of wit, if I called thee <a|an> <fen-sucked> rump-faced <wagtail>, thou wouldst take it as a compliment!!"
    • "If brains were grain, thou wouldst not have sufficient quantity to feed thy <stout> mother!!"
    • "Comparing a <purveyor of the world's oldest profession> like thy <daughter> to a syphilitic barncat in heat is an insult to syphilitic barn cats in heat!!"
    • "Thy <daughter> is so <stout>, when she doth haul ass to the marketplace, she must make two trips!!"
    • "Thy <daughter> is such a spongy sheep-biting <purveyor of the world's oldest profession>, her attentions may be purchased with a scrap of paper enscrivened with the letters I.O.U.!!"
  • The Loose Morels have variable text as well.
    • Royalty:
      • Archduke
      • Duchess
      • Duke
      • Earl
      • Emperor
      • Empress
      • Grand Archduke
      • Grand King
      • Grand Tsar
      • King
      • Lady
      • Marquess
      • Marquis
      • Pope
      • Prime Minister
      • Prince
      • Princess
      • Queen
      • Tsar
      • Vice-Princess
      • Viceroy
      • Vizier
    • Location:
      • Bale
      • Burblegroat
      • Calamaria
      • Claremont
      • Coney Island
      • Crunkleford
      • Cyanhawk
      • Delawhat
      • Eggshire
      • Fandanzia
      • Farc'b'n
      • Farnsworthington
      • Febreezia
      • Flansburgh
      • Gallston
      • Glameroth
      • Goldthwaitia
      • Hamonrye
      • Llewllamarall
      • Lurkmoor
      • Morcestecershire
      • New Brunswick
      • Nickelodeon
      • Ov'reezy
      • Phleberron
      • Pinochle
      • Pucebury Grove
      • Reeves
      • Schmalbion
      • Shaffly-on-Surrey
      • Shamablamaroth
      • Shuntington
      • Stoatsford
      • Taintingham
      • Waltermatthau
      • Wibbleshire
      • Winklesbury
      • X'tn'ch'roth
    • Animal:
      • albatross
      • bat
      • bear
      • beaver
      • boar
      • bobcat
      • bumblebee
      • caribou
      • chicken
      • cougar
      • dog
      • eagle
      • ferret
      • flamingo
      • giraffe
      • goat
      • gorilla
      • hamster
      • kitten
      • marmoset
      • marmot
      • moose
      • mosquito
      • orphan
      • pelican
      • penguin
      • pig
      • polar bear
      • raven
      • shark
      • stork
      • tiger
      • vampire bat
    • Office worker:
      • accountant
      • bike messenger
      • call center rep
      • copywriter
      • customer service rep
      • fact-checker
      • file clerk
      • insurance salesman
      • middle manager
      • office clerk
      • paper-pusher
      • paralegal
    • Tool:
      • abacus
      • ascot
      • automobile
      • bicycle
      • bucket
      • chicken
      • crock-pot
      • excavator
      • hacky-sack
      • hammock
      • lightbulb
      • marshmallow
      • moose
      • oven
      • popcorn popper
      • post-hole digger
      • radio
      • rag-cleaner
      • shirt
      • stepsister
      • stock portfolio-cleaner
      • telegraph
      • telephone
      • telephone pole
      • toaster
      • tophat
      • typewriter
      • wizard hat-cleaner
      • zeppelin

References

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