The Hacienda
The Hacienda is on the Secret Tropical Island Volcano Lair (Accordion Thief).
Visiting without five hacienda keys (does not consume an adventure):
You sneak up the hill to Somerset Lopez's fancy white mansion. Initially, you're puzzled by the lack of guards, but it quickly becomes clear that guards would be redundant -- the building is in fact heavily fortified. The windows are barred with wrought-iron grills, the front door is locked with five different deadbolts, and when you go to look for the back door you discover that there isn't one -- the house is built right up against the side of the volcano. Even the garden hose has a chain and padlock on it. This place is a fire code inspector's nightmare.
It looks like the only way you're going to get inside is to get the keys to the front door. Hopefully Lopez gave some copies to his henchmen in case of an emergency.
Visiting with 5 hacienda keys:
You unlock the front door to Somerset Lopez's hacienda with the five keys you obtained from the mariachi barracks and slip inside like a thief in the night. Exactly like that, in fact.
Unsurprisingly, the interior of the mansion is even more glamorous than that of the barracks. The foyer is lit by a massive crystal chandelier, and an ornate staircase (flanked by marble statues of mariachis in heroic poses) curves up to a balcony where, dressed in a velvet smoking jacket and swirling a snifter of brandy, Somerset Lopez gazes haughtily down at you.
"Hola, gringo. I had anticipated that my defenses would not keep you out for very long."
"This is it, Lopez. It's time to settle this once and for all."
"Sí, the great rivalry between the accordion thief and the mariachi. After so many years, it has come down to you and me, eh?"
"Damn straight," you reply, readying your weapon.
"You and me and my bodyguards. Bodyguards! Kill him." Several extremely burly mariachis step out from behind the statues, grinning and cracking their knuckles.
"Lopez, you are such a dick."
Leads to The Nemesis' Lair
After defeating Somerset Lopez goons and Somerset himself, but before equipping your Squeezebox of the Ages:
A niggling voice in the back of your head (that's me) reminds you that you're heading toward what is likely to be the Final Battle against your Nemesis, and therefore you should probably equip that Legendary Epic Weapon of yours first. Just sayin'.
After defeating Somerset Lopez goons and Somerset himself, and equipping your Squeezebox of the Ages:
You track Lopez through the hallways of his mansion, then down some stairs into the basement, and then even further down, into a rough natural cavern. As you suspected, Lopez didn't build his hacienda right up against the mountain for reasons of simple defense, but also to provide an escape route through the underground tunnels. You quickly pick up his trail in the dirt and dust, and give chase.
Soon, the cavern branches into a smooth, almost glassy-surfaced tunnel -- obviously an ancient lava tube. It appears that you're heading directly into the heart of the volcano. On reflection, this was inevitable, really. I mean, you can't just have a Final Boss Battle near a volcano. It would be like having a car chase in which the fruit cart doesn't get knocked over. Or fighting crime in a giant robot and never using Rocket Punch.
You wipe the sweat from your face as the tunnel ends at a massive lake of bubbling lava. In the distance, through the shimmering haze of the heat, you spot a small island. You can just make out the form of your Nemesis -- at this distance you can't tell what he's up to, but 'no good' is a safe bet. You'd better get there fast and put a stop to it, whatever it is.
You survey the little stepping-stones that periodically rise and fall in the boiling magma, and realize that this is seriously going to suck. In fact, this is going to suck so much that I kind of feel like I ought to apologize in advance. Still, it wouldn't be a final battle without an especially fiendish final puzzle, now would it?
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Leads to A Volcanic Cave
After defeating Somerset Lopez for the final time:
If there's anything left of Lopez's hacienda, it's buried under twenty tons of gravel. I hope you didn't leave your favorite hat in there.
Notes
- Somerset Lopez will say "Kill him!" regardless of your gender.
