Disco horoscopes

This page is in need of content. Horoscope texts. There may be random parts inside some horoscopes. There is now a message that suggests that some(all?) horoscopes are horoscope-specific. Please put them in the section corresponding to the sign used. If a horoscope is confirmed to show up under multiple signs this will need rethinking. Needs more spading.

Disco horoscopes are usable items found in The Space Odyssey Discotheque. There are 12, each relating to a zodiac sign and each gives ten turns of a different effect, summarised in the table below:

Horoscope	Effect Name	Effect
Aquarius	Aquarius Rising	Spell Damage +30
Aries	Aries Rising	Weapon Damage +30
Cancer	Cancer Rising	Maximum MP +100%
Capricorn	Capricorn Rising	+5% Item Drops from Monsters
Gemini	Gemini Rising	Maximum HP +100%
Leo	Leo Rising	+10% Meat from Monsters
Libra	Libra Rising	+1 Muscle Stats Per Fight +1 Mysticality Stats Per Fight +1 Moxie Stats Per Fight
Pisces	Pisces Rising	Mysticality +50%
Sagittarius	Sagittarius Rising	Ranged Damage +30
Scorpio	Scorpio Rising	+25% Combat Initiative
Taurus	Taurus Rising	Muscle +50%
Virgo	Virgo Rising	Moxie +50%

There is a trophy for having all of the above 12 effects active at the same time.

Random Horoscopes

When using one of the above items you receive a random horoscope, taken from the list below:

Aquarius

• That irregular mole on your throat isn't cancer! It's something far, far worse.
• There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
• The cat star is rising through Taurus this week, so expect to feel an itching on the back of your neck for days, no matter how hard you scratch.
• Never trust a Taurus. But if you are approached by a Camry or a Corolla, they ought to be safe.

Aries

• It's all going down at <meal> time. Don't be late. And don't be too early.
• You will find a great treasure in his sandwich, or at least something that might surprise you.
• Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers by night needs to occasionally wash his hair, you hippy.
• Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
• Steer clear of Sagittariuses this week. Sagittarii? Learn the plural of Sagittarius this week.

Cancer

• Your significant other is looking to trade you in for a taller model. Maybe you should take up dodgeball.
• Your true love's name is Grant Adams. The stars apologize if that tells you something about yourself you didn't already know.
• Share an order of roast beef with a fake stranger and see where the night takes you.
• Your diet of steamed french fries is negatively affecting your love life. Try a breath mint.

Capricorn

• Concentrate on toning your obliques and your obliques this week. For the ladies.
• The <colored object> dominates your fortune this week. Interpret that as you will.
• You've got your bug-out bag packed, right? Please tell me you've got your bug-out bag packed. That's all I can tell you.

Gemini

• Carry a miniature trebuchet around with you at all times this week.
• Get a welder's mask and wear it at all times until this week is over. For real.
• You're taking a trip to the <birthstone> <geographic feature> this week. You won't see much of the sights, though, through that burlap sack you'll be shoved in.

Leo

• Be nice to your <friend> this week. I mean, you should every week, honestly.
• Trust your instincts today, unless they're telling you to do something dumb.
• Your lucky numbers are 57, 49, 48, 12, and 0.
• Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

Libra

• Libras are charming, diplomatic, and easy-going. So expect to be steamrolled by aggressive dickheads this week. And the rest of your life.
• The stars have asked me to tell you that astrology is total bunk. Seriously, exercise some critical thinking and stop reading this horsecrap.
• It would be a good idea to push your knee this week.
• A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you.
• It turns out you picked the wrong week to quit <vice>.

Pisces

• Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.
• Your lucky numbers this week are <number>, <number>, 0, 0, 0, 0... huh, it's just 0 for the rest of the year actually. That's weird.
• The stars say to tell you... I can't read this handwriting. Something about your <relative> and a <animal>? I think the stars are drunk again.
• Something smells fishy, Pisces. Maybe it's... you! Ha ha ha I never get tired of that one.

Sagittarius

• You should get your ulna pierced this week with a platinum stud.
• That feeling that someone's watching you? It's just <scamp> pulling pranks again. That little scamp!
• Your true first name is <true first name>. Make sure to use it on all official documents.

Scorpio

• Despite what you may have heard, the stars say it is not unusual to see the rain coming down on a sunny day.
• The stars encourage you to write your own fanfic this week, especially if you're 'shipping Krakrox and Lars the Cyberian.
• The stars say you should carve an olive into a scale model of a miniature trebuchet today. They don't say why.
• Forge clean underwear from brass to ward off the ascent of Libra.
• Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.

Taurus

• The stars say you should beware of the thing with the stuff. Sorry, they're kind of phoning it in this week.
• Your horoscope this week is more like a horrorscope, am I right?
• The stars intuit that you are gullible and readily apply extremely vague character traits to yourself. Also, like all Tauruses, you're stubborn.
• Beware the <adjective> man, or you will be <misfortune verb>.

Virgo

• The catatonic <animal> under your bed is fine. Probably.
• The shortsword you pull out of a stone this week will not make you a monarch, but will be handy when the zombies attack.
• You should eat raspberries today until your stomach is full nigh unto bursting.
• Always remember where your towel is, and where the bodies are buried. It'll be helpful to bury the bodies wrapped in your towel.

Not yet categorized:

• Abandon hope for future plans.
• After the apocalypse this week, the currency will be mustard. Start stocking up now.
• All your friends are laughing behind your back...KILL THEM.
• All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.
• An idle liver is the devil's plaything. Drink a case of bourbon before work this morning.
• Bet all your money on the West Marmotsward Point Insane Housewives to win the championship.
• Beware Germans bearing gifts. Especially those holding a missile launcher behind their back.
• Beware the Ides of <month>.
• Beware the mute stranger, for he will borrow your coffee maker and never return it.
• Beware the phlegmatic stranger, for he will borrow your alarm clock and never return it.
• Capricorns are goats, and goats eat everything. Start with a pail.
• Careful that you don't get shot by an evil stranger this week, if at all possible.
• Contemplate the wisdom of the kittens. Fuchsia is your power color.
• Do you really plan to leave the house dressed like that?
• Don't cast your pearls before <animal>s this week.
• Don't eat eggs this week. They're just gross. Also, botulism.
• Don't forget that Passionate Longing of the Warrior Witch is due back at the library.
• Don't leave the house without a huckleberry in your pocket this week, if you value your life.
• Don't let your negative self-image affect your outlook on life, skank.
• Everything you know is wrong, and also half the battle.
• Get in touch with your inner ferret, just not that kind of touch.
• Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.
• I asked the stars about you, and they were like, "Who?" ...So uh, I dunno, have a positive attitude in your interactions with other people, or something?
• I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say you're going to be shot, in the dark, this week.
• Idle feet are the devil's plaything. Now is the perfect week to learn the Polka.
• If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
• Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
• Maintain family relationships by not being such a twat.
• Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no.
• Paint your foot mauve this week to ward off ebola.
• Perfect your Darkside-Flip-Flip Charlie plus Sameway Bloody this week. It'll be the only thing that saves you when the zombies attack.
• Seriously, for real, look both ways when you cross the street.
• Share an order of ham with a wide stranger and see where the night takes you.
• Swallow a handful of amethysts this week to ward off pinkeye.
• Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
• That <adjective> stranger on the bus has a very attractive sibling. Be nice and see where it gets you.
• That uncomfortable prickling on the back of your neck is the sense of your impending doom. Or possibly heat rash.
• The burning in your loins this week is directly related to the itching in your spleen.
• The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
• The moon is passing through Libra. Be bold in your endeavors. Consider becoming a candlestick maker.
• The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.
• The stars are pretty hungover, so the only advice they have right now is not to start drinking at two-thirty in the afternoon.
• The stars predict that you will barely miss your guts anyway, so don't dwell on it.
• The stars remind you that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, if you're into dating fish.
• The stars remind you that when the only tool you have is a <tool>, every problem looks like a nail.
• The stars say not to worry about the rash on your solar plexus this week. It's the least of your problems.
• The stars say that you should "lick it before you stick it," which is good advice for stamps.
• The stars say that you should "wrap it before you tap it." They're probably talking about beer kegs.
• The stars say your copy of <romance novel> is a valuable original edition. Too bad you'd have to admit to owning it to sell it.
• The stars wanted to know where you keep your chainsaw. They didn't say why.
• The tally-man is coming to tally your <fruit>. Be prepared.
• There is nothing you can't accomplish with a sufficiently full trolley-car.
• They say that you're better off with the devil you know, so stick with that guy this week.
• This week you will discover that your roommate has just been a human-shaped pile of steaks this whole time.
• This week you will unexpectedly... well, I can't tell you, otherwise it wouldn't be unexpected, and then there'd be a paradox.
• This week your life will get younger and taller. Try to keep your head on straight.
• Those jerks who voted you "most likely to intercede" were right. But they're still jerks.
• To avoid catastrophe, fill a barrel with purple stuff and drink the whole thing.
• Try not to spill any tiger balm on your leg today. Avoiding doing so may be harder than you might expect, but try.
• Try to resolve a conflict between a frog and a canary today.
• Under no circumstances should you carry a typewriter while swimming this week.
• Virgo is in the twenty-second house of the Moon this week, so eat plenty of cereal bars.
• You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
• You should check in with your grandfather this week, before you check out this week.
• You will be stalked by an adorable <animal> this week, and surprised when it tries to murder you.
• You will feel a stabbing pain in the nipple at some point this week, as that's the place someone will be stabbing you.
• You will finally find out who shot JFK and J.R. this week, right before he shoots you.
• You will meet the Prime Minister of Molehill, but what with the economy as it is, expect to go dutch.
• You will meet thirty mysterious strangers this week. Hold out for what's behind the curtain, though.
• You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
• You're completely innocent of removing mattress tags. But the jury will believe otherwise.
• You're going to become captain of a novel-writing team this week. Try to rule wisely and fairly.
• Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
• Your dream-self will travel to the Chestnut Skies this week. You won't get frequent-flier miles, though.
• Your dreams will come true this week! Specifically, the dream in which twinkling lights surround you like fireflies while you're disemboweled by a rabid shark.
• Your gluten intolerance is far more socially acceptable than your other intolerances. Keep those hidden deep inside you.
• Your hay fever will get worse this week, as will your Saturday night fever.
• Your power accessory this week is a pair of orange-and-black gingham socks. Good luck finding some.
• Your power move this week is the Antepenultimate Enigma. You should probably stretch before you try it.
• Your power stone this week is the double-sapphire. For a couple hundred bucks, I can get you one.
• Your spirit bird this week is the corrupted-ship-owl. Beware the wildebeest.

Random Parts

<adjective>

• for the stranger on the bus (could be diseases or disabilities...?):
  • blind
  • sciatic
• for the man you should beware of:
  • clean
  • full

<animal>s:

• marmot
• polar bear

<gemstone>:

• Emerald
• Topaz

<colored object>:

• Maroon Tophat
• Gray Wrench

<friend> words:

• BFF
• homie

<fruit>:

<geographic feature>:

• River
• Plains

<meal> times:

• dinner
• lunch

<misfortune verb>:

• crappo bappoed
• decapitated

<month>s: Which? All?

<number>: Which? Range?

<relative>: (female only?)

• mother
• daughter

<romance novel> titles:

• Forbidden Saddles
• Scarlet Yearning
• Sinful Longing

<scamp>s:

• Woody Santos
• Davey Nixon

<tool>s:

<true first name>s:

• Alyssabor
• Fritzlas

<vice>s:

• hooking car batteries to your nipples
• snorting cocaine

References

• Most of the lyrics from the Weird Al Yankovic song "Your Horoscope For Today" are present as horoscopes here.
• "Abandon hope for future plans" is a line from the They Might Be Giants song, "Hide Away Folk Family" -- In the song this was specific to Aquarius.
• "I picked the wrong day to quit <vice>" is a running gag in Airplane!
• Tallymen tallying fruit (bananas) are an important part of "Day-O" made famous by Harry Belafonte.
• "Crappo Bappo" is a form of martial art invented by Jick and described in the September 15, 2011 radio show.