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| [[Heartbreaker's Hotel]] is located in [[Hey Deze]]. | | [[Heartbreaker's Hotel]] is located in [[Hey Deze]]. |
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| ==Combat Adventures==
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| ==Non-Combat Adventures== | | ==Non-Combat Adventures== |
| You can find a random choice of four floors, one of which is always the lobby.
| | {{choice|name=Hellevator Music|image=elevator.gif |
| | | |choice1name=Hit the Lobby button|choice1=Sets +ML from the hotel to 0 |
| =1st= | | |note1=You are given three other choices of floors from 1 to 11, each of which increase ML by an amount equal to floor number.}} |
| You take the elevator to the mezzanine, but you don't have any chump change to put in the vending machines, so you continue to the first floor (before you ask, the lobby is the zeroth floor in this particular hotel.) You lie down on your bed and turn on the white-noise machine on the nightstand. Turns out that in Heartbreaker's Hotel, "white noise" means 'the tortured screams of the damned,' so you quickly shut it off. You close your eyes and drift off to sleep.
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| You awake to a crackling sound and a delicious smell. When you open your eyes, you immediately realize the sound is crackling flame, and that smell . . . oh my. How can you sleep when the beds are burning? You leap out of the bed, only to find the floor to your room has vanished. You plummet down, down, down into infinite blackness, screaming your head off all the way. In the distance far below you, you can just make out the shape of the continent on which the Kingdom of Loathing rests. You remember that it's not the fall that kills you, it's the going *PAFF!* into the ground. | |
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| With a wrenching full-body twitch, you snap awake back in your own bed. You hear the smoke detector start beeping, and you're not taking any chances, so you climb out the window and down the fire escape.
| | ==Notes== |
| | * You can adventure here while [[drunkenness|falling down drunk]]. |
| | * Trying to adventure here with no adventures remaining gives the following message: |
| | :You don't have time to go on a hell ride right now. |
| | * Works like a Mind Control device where each floor corresponds to an increase in [[Monster Level]] |
| | * Will also trigger the special boss drops. |
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| =Lobby=
| | {{Special boss rewards}} |
| You jab the lobby button and head back out. As you pass through the door, you feel the world revert back to normal.
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| =3rd=
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| You step into the elevator, quip, "going up, sir," and push the button for the third floor. When the elevator stops, you say, "your floor, sir," and check into your room. You close the blinds, consider raiding the mini-bar, then lie down to get some shut-eye. As you drift off to sleep, you hear a ripping noise, almost like five razor-sharp claws ripping through your sheets from below and tearing up towards your sensitive nether regions.
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| You jolt awake, and the claws are gone. Then you see the box next to the bed that says, "Magic Razor-Sharp Claws, 25 meat." You don't remember putting any meat in the machine, but the sheets are torn to ribbons. You decide you'd rather climb out the window than have to pay to replace the linens.
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| =6th=
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| The elevator rises, then slows to a halt. A bell rings as the door slides open, and you step out into the sixth floor hallway and head toward your room.
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| You open the door, and your eyes widen in shock. A man in some sort of dog/bear costume is sitting on the bed, with another man, who is doing something that you can't quite make out, but perhaps that's for the best. "S-sorry, I must have the wrong room," you stammer, stumbling backwards. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up as you bump into someone behind you.
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| Slowly, despite your every instinct screaming at you not to, you turn around... and find yourself face-to-vacantly grinning face with someone wearing the head of a gigantic cartoon fox, and a fuzzy red bodysuit to match.
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| "Hhhhelllp meeee," you hear a tortured voice whisper behind the mask. The gruesome figure gestures at you with huge fuzzy paws. "Help me... my zipper... stuck..." One of the paws reaches for you as the other tugs at the fuzzy red pants.
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| You scream and run for the elevator. The bedroom doors slam open one by one as you pass them, and nightmarish grinning figures reach out at you. Raccoons, cats, horses, more foxes, all staring at you glassy-eyed and calling your name. "Join usssss..." "Unleash your inner animal..." "Come play with us, Eigenbasis..." "Yiff! Yiff! Yiff!" The other creatures take up the chant: "Yiff... Yiff... YIFF... YIFF... YIFF! YIFF! YIFF!"
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| You reach the elevator and hammer desperately on the call button. "Come on!" you shout. "Please! Come on!" The terrible fuzzy inhumans stalk toward you and grab your arms and legs, the chanting drowning out your screams. As they drag you away, your field of vision filled with grinning animal masks, you hear the elevator bell ring, but all too late. The chant of "YIFF! YIFF! YIFF!" echoes in your head as everything goes black.
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| You wake up at your campsite gasping for breath and praying that it was only a dream.
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| =9th=
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| You step in the elevator, press the ninth floor button, and ascend to your floor. You quip, "Fourth floor, Women's Lingerie," as you step out and down the hallway to your room.
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| You settle down into bed and close your eyes. Almost immediately, it seems, your alarm gives out a warning. Oh, no! You're late for school again! You're never going to make it on time! You grab your books, and give yourself a look, but you get to the corner just in time to see the bus fly by. You sprint to school, and slide into your desk just in time.
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| The teacher asks you to come up to the front of the class to give a presentation. You stand up, and see that you're wearing nothing but your underwear! Time seems to stop as everyone points and laughs at you.
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| "Jeez, what a loser," a jock sneers, "look who wore his underwear to NAKED DAY. What a dope!"
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| As the whole class points and laughs, a bell starts to ring. "Ah, saved!" you shout. . . and wake up in your hotel room to find that the bell was the fire alarm. You climb out the window and down the fire escape.
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| =11th=
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| You ride the elevator up to the eleventh floor, then head to your room for the night. Before you go to sleep, though, you pull back the covers on the bed to make sure there isn't any chocolate on your pillow -- you're not going to fall for that one again. You had to ask for extras of those tiny shampoo bottles last time.
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| Instead of chocolate, though, you find a tiny dried-up monkey's paw. "Hmm," you think, "I bet this is one of those things that grant wishes. I mean, logically, if you find a dried-out monkey's paw on your pillow in a hotel in Hey Deze, it's bound to grant wishes, right? They wouldn't leave a plain old monkey paw on your pillow, that just wouldn't make any sense."
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| You sit on your bed and carefully consider what to wish for. "Let's see... I could wish for a twelve-inch pianist. Or for half of my head to be painted orange. Or to be beaten half to death... Oh, wait, I've got it."
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| "Monkey's paw," you say, holding up the nasty little brown thing and closing your eyes, "I wish I were the most powerful adventurer in the Kingdom!"
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| After a while you open your eyes, not feeling any different. The paw, you discover, has started to melt in your hand; turns out it's made of chocolate. You eat it. It's not very good chocolate.
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| In the morning, you inexplicably wake up at your campsite with the feeling that this has all been rather anti-climactic.
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| ==References== | | ==References== |
| * Heartbreaker is the name that schizophrenic musician Wesley Willis gave to one of his "demon voices." | | * Heartbreaker is the name that [[Wikipedia:Wesley Willis|Wesley Willis]], a musician diagnosed with schizophrenia, gave to one of his "demon voices." |
| * The zone's name is a reference to the song 'Heartbreak Hotel' by singer Elvis Presley. | | * The zone's name is a reference to the song 'Heartbreak Hotel' by singer Elvis Presley. |
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| | {{MCD}} |
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| [[Category:Locations]] | | [[Category:Locations]] |
Baron von Ratsworth's money clip
Baron von Ratsworth's tophat
Boss Bat britches
Boss Bat bling
Glass Balls of the Goblin King
Codpiece of the Goblin King
rib of the Bonerdagon
vertebra of the Bonerdagon
