The Temporal Bandit

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The Temporal Bandit
Monster ID	392
Locations	The Cola Wars Battlefield, Cola Wars Battlefield (Cloaca Uniform), Cola Wars Battlefield (Dyspepsi Uniform); (ultra-rarely)
Hit Points	35
Attack	35
Defense	31
Initiative	always
Meat	None
Phylum	dude
Elements	None
Resistance	None
Monster Parts	unknown
Drops	Counterclockwise Watch
refreshedit data

 You're fighting The Temporal Bandit

As you wander the battlefield, this curious fellow materializes a few inches away from you. He grins and holds up a watch which, on close inspection, is running smoothly backwards..

"Looks like you need a new watch," you say.

"On the contrary," he replies. "I use this watch to steal time. The fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. They only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. I stole it from some monks who make bonsai mountains."

"And I'm about to steal it from you," you respond.

Hit Message(s):

He steals a week from the end of your life. You feel a sharp but vaguely defined sense of loss. Ugh! Ow! Ugh! (spooky damage)

He kicks you into next week, joins you there, knocks you into last week, catches up with you, beats you into next Thursday, then smacks you back to the present. Great Scott! Ugh! Ooh! Ugh!

He steals twenty minutes from your recent past. Unfortunately, it was the twenty minutes when you ate lunch, so now you're all hungry. Ow! Eek! Ouch! Ouch! (spooky damage)

Critical Hit Message:

He kicks you into next week, joins you there, knocks you into last week, catches up with you, beats you into next Thursday, then smacks you back to the present. Great Scott!

Miss Message(s):

He tries to kick you into next week, but you fend off his week attack.

He tries to steal your lunch hour from you, but your union prevents it.

He steals several hours of your life, but you're used to that, having watched several Pauly Shore movies.

Fumble Message:

He tries to steal the hour of your life that contains your one moment of pure, perfect happiness. Fortunately for you, his watch stops, and he has to wind it. He gets confused and starts scratching it for a while as he winds his backside, too. (FUMBLE!)

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After Combat

You acquire an item: Counterclockwise Watch (100% chance)*

You gain ? <substat>.

If you lose the fight:

You are knocked to the ground. As the monster walks off, he drops a white ribbon.

You acquire an item: consolation ribbon (100% chance)*

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Occurs at The Cola Wars Battlefield, Cola Wars Battlefield (Cloaca Uniform), Cola Wars Battlefield (Dyspepsi Uniform); ultra-rarely.

Notes

• This monster cannot be copied.

References

• This adventure may refer to the 1981 movie Time Bandits, in which one of the main characters wears a hat similar to the one pictured on the avatar above. Said character and his companions were tasked with fixing holes in time, because the creation of the universe was "a bit of a botched job".
• This adventure also references the Terry Pratchett novel Thief of Time which concerns a group of monks who watch over the fabric of time, which was heavily damaged at one point. One of those monks, Lu-Tze the Sweeper, grows "bonsai mountains".
• The hit message ending with "...back to the present. Great Scott!" is a reference to the movie Back to the Future, as well as one of the common outbursts of the character Doc Brown.
• The hit message starting with "He steals a week from the end of your life" could be referring to The Princess Bride when Wesley is having his life sucked away.