%playername the Adventurer

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%playername the Adventurer
Monster ID	1669
Locations	The Naughty Sorceress' Tower
Hit Points	900
Attack	240
Defense	210
Initiative	150
Meat	None
Phylum	dude
Elements	None
Resistance	25% physical
Monster Parts	arm, torso, leg, head
Drops	thwaitgold scarab beetle statuette
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data

 You're fighting <playername> the Adventurer

In the chamber at the very top of the tower, near a sad greasy smear on the floor, you find <playername> standing with <his/her> arms crossed, contemplating a weird astral portal hovering outside.

"Hey <buddy/lady>," you say. "I've got a bone to pick with you."

<He/She> turns around. "Oh! Hey! I remember you! 'UNDYING', right? That was pretty funny." "You won't think it's so funny when I--"

"When you summon jackal demons to feast on my whatever? I heard that bit already."

"Actually, I was going to say 'when I stomp your teeth down your throat', but yeah, the jackal demons are still a thing. I don't exactly summon them per se, but you are definitely going to meet them in a second here."

"Uh-huh." <playername> yawns and stretches. "Look, I just beat the Naughty Sorceress. I'm the baddest adventurer in all the land. I've already beaten you once, and I've levelled up like twice since then. What makes you think you have any kind of chance against me? And anyway, what are you even doing here?" <He/She> walks toward you with a bemused look on <his/her> face. "I did your quest already. Your part of the story's over. Are you trying to pull some kind of dumb plot twist, like it was you that was pulling the strings all along? Are you going to do a super-cliché villain speech, like 'We're not so different, you and I'?"

"No, we're very different. For starters," you say, grabbing <him/her> by the throat, "I'm undying. And you aren't."

Hit Message(s):

He attacks you with what would be a typical medieval weapon if it weren't for the dumb pun. Ouch! Oof! Ouch!

He smashes you in the <forehead> with some kind of crazy weapon, or possibly a food-related spell. Argh! Oof! Ow!

Some kind of weird little creature jumps out of his pocket and bites you on the ankle. Oof! Ow! Oof!

Critical Hit Message:

He clobbers you in the <forehead>, and shouts "CRITICAL HIT!" (CRITICAL HIT!)

Miss Message(s):

He tries to attack you with a weapon that is plainly a complete anachronism, but misses.

He considers using a combat item on you, but nobody ever uses combat items.

Some kind of weird little creature jumps out of his pocket and tries to bite you, but you punt it out the window. <playername> looks aghast.

Fumble Message:

It seems like he can't decide which of his crazy abilities, weapons, items, and/or familiars to use on you. (FUMBLE!)

Special Move(s):

Item block (25% chance^*):

"Ha ha!" he laughs, knocking away the item you tried to use. "Combat items are for noobs!".

---

After Combat

"Hang on a second, guys," you tell the jackal demons. "Put that soul back in there, will you? I need to ask this crapsack a question first." The demons look at each other, shrug, and push the soul into <playername>'s ear. <He/She> opens <his/her> eyes with an anguished gasp.

"Have I got your attention now?" you ask <him/her>. "Good. Now you know that the jackal demons weren't just an idle threat. Not something I just say to sound cool and scary. I don't exactly know what they do with the souls, but I do know it isn't pleasant. And now you know that too, right?"

<playername> nods weakly, eyes bulging.

"Right. So I'm going to ask you a question, and I sure hope I like your answer. Where is the Holy MacGuffin?"

"I… I don't have it," <he/she> gasps.

"I do not like that answer," you say.

"It's just a plot coupon!" <he/she> protests. "It's useless! Good grief, it's right there in the name of the damn thing! I gave it to the Council, because that's how plot coupons work!"

"Nope. Don't like that answer at all."

"Please…"

You gesture to the jackal demons. One of them jumps on <playername>'s stomach, and the other catches <his/her> soul as it blows out of <his/her> mouth with a "Hoooff!" noise. "I hope you enjoy the centuries of torment before your ethereal essence finds its way back to Valhalla, or wherever this portal thing goes," you say, dragging the body across the floor by one leg and chucking it into the Astral Gash. "Wait, not 'enjoy'. Whatever the opposite of 'enjoy' would be." You sigh, and stand watching the swirling light as it collapses on itself and vanishes, before turning and heading for the stairs. "Back to square frigging one, I guess."

• If at exactly level 13 when combat started:

  You acquire an item: Instant Karma

• If Actually Ed the Undying is still in season

  You acquire an item: still-beating spleen

• Always

  You acquire an item: Thwaitgold scarab beetle statuette

---

Occurs at The Sorceress' Chamber in Actually Ed the Undying.

Notes

• During combat, the monster image is a player avatar of the last basic class you have chosen to start an ascension with. If that ascension was before a certain bugfix (occurred no later than March 25, 2015), the gender will be wrong.
• In Monster Manuel, displays as the player's current avatar.