ChibiBuddy™ Intelligence Messages

The messages defend on the ChibiBuddy™'s intelligence level:

1 Dot

• He barely looks up from a video that's a repeated loop of some dude getting punched in the crotch.
• He laughs hysterically at a double-entendre he just made, even though he screwed up the punchline.
• He tries to write his own name, but gets stuck halfway through.
• He tries to get a piece of toast out of the toaster with a plugged-in electric fork.
• He squeezes a whoopie cushion, laughing until he cries.
• He watches a reality tv show, laughing hysterically as two spray-tanned women have a catfight.
• He starts to watch a kid's movie, but can't follow the plot and has to shut it off.
• He farts and laughs hysterically.
• He reads a kid's "Learn to Read" book, moving his lips as he laboriously works his way through it.
• He holds up a "Do Not Eat" silica packet and licks his lips hungrily.
• He laughs uproariously at a movie that's just some fat guy falling down over and over.
• He says, "what're YOU lookin' at?" belches, and scratches his crotch.

2 Dots

• He laughs uproariously at a movie that's just some fat guy falling down over and over.
• He laughs hysterically at a double-entendre he just made, even though he screwed up the punchline.
• He farts and laughs hysterically.
• He reads a kid's "Learn to Read" book, moving his lips as he laboriously works his way through it.

3 Dots

• He flips through a celebrity gossip magazine. "I can't believe what K-Flo did to Bengelina!" he says.
• He watches a reality singing competition and calls in to vote for his favorite.
• He watches a video loop of people farting and getting crotch-punched, snickering the whole time.
• He walks and chews gum at the same time, but just barely.
• He watches a reality show about a heavily made-up toddler, pretending he's doing so ironically.
• He writes his own name and only misplaces a few letters.
• He makes a dumb double entendre and smirks, very pleased with himself.
• He reads a book about sexy sparkly vampires, moving his lips as he reads.
• He moves his lips while he laboriously reads a book of dirty limericks.
• He watches a movie that's all one-liners and explosions in slow motion.

4 Dots

• He writes his own name and only misplaces a few letters.
• He assembles a flat-packed bookcase by carefully following the instructions.
• He moves his lips while he laboriously reads a book of dirty limericks.
• He watches a video loop of people farting and getting crotch-punched, snickering the whole time.
• He watches a movie that's all one-liners and explosions in slow motion.
• He starts to watch a kid's movie, but can't follow the plot and has to shut it off.
• He walks onto the screen wet and wrapped in a towel. "Can you believe I almost tried to dry my hair while I was in the shower?" he says.
• He watches a reality singing competition and calls in to vote for his favorite.
• He flips through a celebrity gossip magazine. "I can't believe what K-Flo did to Bengelina!" he says.
• He tries to dig some toast out of the toaster with a fork, but stops and unplugs the toaster first.
• He gets a phone call while ironing and almost burns his ear.
• He picks his nose, but has the good sense not to eat it.
• He watches a reality show about a heavily made-up toddler, pretending he's doing so ironically.
• He reads a book about sexy sparkly vampires, moving his lips as he reads.
• He walks and chews gum at the same time, but just barely.
• He makes a dumb double entendre and smirks, very pleased with himself.

5 Dots

• He does some fact-checking and avoids reposting a hoax chain letter to the Book of Faces.
• He successfully connects his home theatre system to his TV without consulting the manual.
• He carefully researches the candidates and issues before voting in a ChibiElection™.
• He manages to save some of his meat for the future instead of spending it all now.
• He unplugs the radio he had plugged in on his bathtub ledge. "That was an accident waiting to happen!" he says.
• He watches a serious drama about relatable human problems.
• He reads an informative magazine article, only starting to skim toward the end.
• He ties his shoes and gets it right the first time.

6 Dots

• He successfully connects his home theatre system to his TV without consulting the manual.
• He watches a video of adorable kittens doing hilarious things, instead of a loop of people making fart noises.
• He cooks himself dinner without setting off the smoke detector.
• He reads an informative magazine article, only starting to skim toward the end.
• He watches a serious drama about relatable human problems.
• He unplugs the radio he had plugged in on his bathtub ledge. "That was an accident waiting to happen!" he says.
• He assembles a flat-packed bookcase by carefully following the instructions.
• He does almost an entire crossword puzzle before giving up.
• He carefully researches the candidates and issues before voting in a ChibiElection™.
• He switches off the reality tv and watches a documentary series instead. They're totally different, okay?
• He finishes the "Easy" puzzles in his Sudoku book and moves on to "Medium."
• He calculates the area of his ChibiHouse™, including the tricky triangular bits.
• He reads a book on woodworking and builds a little birdhouse.
• He reads a historical biography without nodding off to sleep once.
• He teaches himself how to play the zither, after first teaching himself what a zither is.
• He comes up with a simple equation to maximize his budget expenditures.
• He watches a serious drama and ponders the implications of the ambiguous ending.

7 Dots

• He reads a book on woodworking and builds a little birdhouse.
• He composes a few etudes, a nocturne, and a passable ode.
• He takes a course on how to program computers and makes his say, "Hello, ChibiWorld™!"
• He builds a ship in a bottle, even the tricky little bits of rigging.
• He comes up with a simple equation to maximize his budget expenditures.
• He listens to classical music for almost ten minutes without getting bored.
• He calculates the area of his ChibiHouse™, including the tricky triangular bits.
• He teaches himself how to play the piano.
• He solders a circuit board to some servo motors and makes a little robot.
• He cooks a gourmet meal with every dish ready and warm at the same time.
• He learns how to brew beer and how to crochet little cozies for the beer bottles, too.
• He teaches himself how to play the zither, after first teaching himself what a zither is.
• He considers watching a show about ghost hunters, but realizes he wouldn't watch a show about moose hunters who never find or even come close to finding a moose.
• He reads a historical biography without nodding off to sleep once.
• He writes a villainelle, a rondel, and an epic poem entirely in limericks.

8 Dots

• He reads a historical biography without nodding off to sleep once.
• He teaches himself how to play the piano.
• He teaches himself how to play the zither, after first teaching himself what a zither is.
• He learns how to brew beer and how to crochet little cozies for the beer bottles, too.
• He listens to classical music for almost ten minutes without getting bored.
• He composes a few etudes, a nocturne, and a passable ode.
• He designs and assembles a tiny working model of the Penultimate Fantasy Airship that actually flies.
• He writes a biography of Boris the Bold, spending hours researching Boris's life.
• He memorizes the dictionary and uses each word in a sentence.
• He composes a set of symphonies that contain clever musical allusions to other famous works.
• He postulates a possible cure for the Goblin Plague.
• He figures out how to warp space for faster-than-light travel.
• He manages to observe the position and momentum of a particle.
• He designs and anti-gravity device and bounces off the walls and ceiling.
• He creates a miniature black hole in his garage and uses it to power his entire ChibiHouse™
• He discovers nuclear fusion.
• He uses theoretical calculus to predict the behavior of a couple on their first date.
• He genetically engineers a strain of ChibiWheat™ that can grow anywhere, eliminating ChibiHunger™.

9 Dots

• He creates a miniature black hole in his garage and uses it to power his entire ChibiHouse™
• He figures out how to warp space for faster-than-light travel.
• He designs and^[sic] anti-gravity device and bounces off the walls and ceiling.
• He reads the entire encyclopedia for fun.
• He writes a textbook that manages to explain all the complexities of quantum physics in language a three-year-old could understand.
• He writes a biography of Boris the Bold, spending hours researching Boris's life.
• He genetically engineers a strain of ChibiWheat™ that can grow anywhere, eliminating ChibiHunger™.
• He memorizes the dictionary and uses each word in a sentence.
• He designs and assembles a tiny working model of the Penultimate Fantasy Airship that actually flies.
• He composes a set of symphonies that contain clever musical allusions to other famous works.
• He creates an artificial intelligence that passes the Turing test.